Hungover again...this time, from a friend's wedding reception. It would have been a shame to not take advantage of the top shelf open bar, so I partook. At work, my inner monologue was firing on all cylinders. I fought hard to pay attention to my customers and to keep myself from saying what I am thinking all of the time like the last time I felt this way. This extra effort somehow resulted in over-exuberance.
ME: What is this?
CUSTOMER: Wasabi aged cheddar...
ME: [eyes widened] Shut the front door! Wasabi Aged Cheddar?!
Don't get me wrong, I bet wasabi aged cheddar is the bees knees, but I would never get that excited about it.
Today was an incredibly busy day. Ten different customers didn't feel like ten customers, but like one long never-ending transaction. This didn't give me much of a chance to chat with customers. That was a bummer.
Update: O.C.Daisy and Sally Spec
I showed up to work with my hair down. I didn't put it up right away and I began to check out customers. OCD walks by and grumbles, "Gotta tie up that hair Miranda." Why was she grumbling at me? I thought she was cool, this wasn't her usual sweet reminder. Slightly annoyed, I didn't tie up my hair. Then Sally walked over to me.
SALLY: Daisy was bitching about you to Ryan (our head cashier) so here's a hair tie.
I was so confused. When the lines died down I walked over to Sally to inquire about what Daisy said. Apparently, Daisy told my head cashier about how she told me to tie my hair up and I wouldn't listen. Ryan scolded Daisy, telling her that she needs to let him handle things like this, that she is not a head cashier or manager.
Oh. My. God.
I immediately asked Sally if she had ever complained to anyone about coworkers having their hair down. She said no, that she likes leaving her hair down too...
Holy shit. Daisy is a fucking liar!! SHE is the one who wanted everyone else to tie their hair up. It all makes so much sense. She made it seem like Sally was the party pooper who complained about everyone's hair being down. She made me totally dislike Sally from the get-go, before I even had a chance to get to know her. Sally and I ended up being pals anyway, but wow, Daisy is a LIAR!
I told Sally the whole story about Daisy's false information. Sally laughed and told me that seemed like something Daisy would do. So, from what I have gathered about Daisy in the last week is that she talks shit about customers after they leave and she lies. She also calls every customer "darling" and it is so fake and forced the way she says it. Man, OCD is a piece of work. I wondered why that is. I was so disappointed.
Stingwich Reconn.
I brought my lunch to
work today, a spinach mushroom pasta plate and a sandwich. I put it in
the break room fridge at work, daring someone to steal it. I
returned after four hours to find that it was still there. I heard that
food theft had gone down, but not entirely. Vitamin Girl's yogurt was
stolen, and enchiladas were recently stolen (made by a bakery chef for a
fellow cashier). I tried to find out what days of the week these food
item thefts occurred and how they were wrapped. Some were covered in cellophane with their
name on it, others in tupperware. I figured that one Ex-Lax laden turkey sandwich on a
random day wasn't going to do it. I would have to make several. I think
one different sandwich a day over a two week period should do it. I'm
debating leaving a tiny laminated message in the sandwich like, "You
have been Ex-Laxed," or "Next time, make your own sandwich." I don't
know, we'll see.
Rainbow Bright
This red headed young girl bought some snacks from the bulk section before her mom purchased a large order of groceries. The groceries were for the girl's 9th birthday party. She was wearing every neon color you could possibly imagine, and her clothes were also bedazzled. It was the kind of outfit that only a 9 year old could pull off. If I ever walked out in an outfit like that, my friends would have the permission to beat me with a 2x4, repeatedly.
The mom received ten dollars cashback from the transaction and handed it straight to her daughter.
GIRL: Yesssssssssssssss.
ME: Birthday money?
MOM: Yes. She gets $10 from us at every celebration. She is welcome to spend it however she likes, but if she puts it in the bank?
GIRL: You'll match every deposit.
ME: You'll double the deposit of any money she chooses to save?
MOM: Any money.
That is an amazing mom. What an awesome way to teach a kid the rewards of saving.
The G Word
I wanted so badly to ask Ryan, our red-headed, freckled and pale skinned head cashier, some sensitive questions. Eventually the lines died down enough for us to talk.
ME: So, Ryan...when you were growing up, were ever discriminated against or did you ever feel discriminated against for being a red-head? Were you ever called a "ginger"?
RYAN: Yes.
ME: How did it make you feel?
RYAN: It hurt my feelings at first. I felt like I was being called the "n word." I know the connotations are not near as negative, but it made me sad all the same.
ME: Hmm. So what about now? What do you think when someone calls you a "ginger" now?
RYAN: It's just annoying. It pisses me off, but I usually brush it off. I'm just a normal person. Some people don't care, for them it is a nickname or term of endearment.
ME: Okay, so...do you get excited when a red-head excels in life?
RYAN: What do you mean?
ME: Okay, for example, when we [pointing to myself] won the Oscar for Slumdog Millionaire and all of those Indian people were on stage accepting the award, I was so stoked.
RYAN: When we won the Oscar?
ME: Yes, that is how it works.
Hero was working next to me and he chimed in.
HERO: So when Ron Weasley scored Hermione in the last couple of Harry Potter movies were you proud?
ME: Or what about Shaun White? Is he your Malcolm X?
Ryan was laughing pretty hard and said no to all the final questions. I knew the G word has been used blatantly in comedy, like the South Park episode "The Ginger Kids" or the ginger supremacist parents of the guidance counselor in Glee. I wasn't aware that it ever hurt a kid's feelings. If it hurt Ryan's feelings as a kid, how many kids are feeling hurt by the G word now?
Lightning McQueen and the Chanteuse
Kids really kept me sane today. I had two customers with a kid who never uttered a word
other than yelling out the ABC song at the top of his lungs, non-stop, not so much
in the melody but on one pitch. His parents were embarrassed but I couldn't stop laughing.
I met another kid who loves the movie, Cars. He wore a Cars shirt and had a toy version of one of the movie characters in his hands.
ME: So do you like the Cars movie?
KID: [nods his head]
ME: What's your favorite car?
KID: Lightning McQueen.
ME: So then what's your favorite color? (thinking he would say red)
KID: Lightning McQueen says VRRROOOOM!
ME: So, red?
KID: Lightning McQueen.
ME: So, what's your favorite number? (thinking he might say 95)
KID: Lightning McQueen. [continues making vroom noises and brake sounds]
ME: Your favorite animal?
KID: Lightning McQueen!
ME: Right. I get it now.
Later on, a couple rolled up with their toddler seated in the grocery cart. This little curly haired girl was warbling nonsense melodies, the kind that only sounds beautiful coming from a child.
ME: Do you like to sing?
MOM: Oh she knows lots of songs! Wanna sing a song for her? What about "Five Little Monkeys"?
The mom tried to help the kid get started but the girl was shy, so of course I started singing too. We sang "Five Little Monkeys" together while I checked out groceries, with hand motions and all. When that song ended the kid would bust out with song after song, "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Old MacDonald." The transaction had long been over and we were still singing because no one else was in line at the time. Little did I know that I had an audience behind me, including Hero, Hero's customers, my manager, head cashier and other customers. The toddler and I had a show going, I think we should have put out a tip jar. Maybe next time.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Day Fourteen
I have been working the last 7 out of 8 days and I am drained. I anticipated many mistakes being made and I lacked the energy to pretend to be friendly. I needed some really friendly and positive (or at least interesting) customers to wake me up.
Rancid Nancy
Rancid Nancy could be any woman who chose to wear as much musky perfume as this woman chose to. I refused to inhale and I had nowhere to turn without looking incredibly rude. I turned to look at the groceries Nancy was purchasing and I saw a fresh basil plant. HALLELUJAH! I grabbed the plant and dug my nose into the leaves to take the largest breath I could.
ME: Mm...I love the smell of fresh basil.
NANCY: I know! Isn't it the best?
It certainly was at the moment. I took in one more breath then I stationed the plant as close to my face as possible so I could breathe when I needed to. I held my breath in most of the time. This lady was sweet and super nice but HOLY HELL she wore too much perfume, so much that it reminded me of my time at the Indiana co-op in the hottest part of the summer. Farmers would come in during the day to drop off produce, probably right after they picked the crop and swept the cow dung out of the shed. They smelled like butt sweat. I couldn't breath and I dealt with it because these local farmers were doing saintly work. The difference is, this lady did not have to wear that perfume, or that much of it for that matter. I guessed that she didn't have any good friends in her life that are honest with her about things like scent. I have a handful of friends whose sole purpose in my life is to keep me from making dreadful social mistakes like cutting bangs, wearing t-shirts in public and dating closeted gay guys. Those are your real friends.
Old Lady #3
An old lady walks up fully clad in electric blue workout gear and a sun visor.
ME: Are you about to work out?
OLD LADY: Oh no, I just finished.
ME: Bench pressing 150?
OLD LADY: [cute old lady laugh] No way! I just finished playing a game of pickleball.
ME: What is pickleball?
OLD LADY: It's like badminton and table tennis thrown together in a pot and you play it with a wiffle ball.
ME: Huh.
OLD LADY: [points her finger at me] It's no whimpy game!
I went home and searched "pickleball" on Google. By George, it IS a real sport and it has an association. A sport is not a sport without an association, apparently. That old lady was saucy. I bet when she's on the court she throws down and makes a face like this when she scores a point:
Doogie Howser
This one little boy helped his mom put groceries on the belt. I love seeing kids help their moms.
ME: Are you enjoying your summer vacation?
BOY: Yes.
ME: Do you miss your teachers?
BOY: [nods yes]
ME: Are you ready to go back to school?
BOY: [nods yes]
ME: Are you serious? Kids never say that! What grade are you going to be in?
BOY: 3rd grade. If there was NO vacation, then I would be in a higher grade sooner. [he makes an exaggerated forwarding gesture]
ME: Then you would be in college in around 6 years?
BOY: Yes.
I laughed. Then I turned to him mom.
ME: You never have to tell him to do his homework, huh?
MOM: Nope. He is super smart. We never have to tell him to study because he wants to do it.
ME: Wow. [to the boy] What is your favorite subject?
BOY: Science. I like gravity.
I told the boy's mom she should take her son to the space center in Houston because there is a room that has zero gravity. I hope this kid gets to go. He would enjoy that so much.
Random Thought:
The songs, "My Boyfriend's Back" and "It's My Party," need to be removed from the grocery store musical canon. The out of tune scream singing makes me very angry and when I am tired "angry" has the potential to turn into "homicidal." If it weren't for the Rolling Stones' following rock song I'm sure I would have killed someone.
Update: Ghost Protocol
He returned to buy more groceries! Is this guy a regular? Ghost Protocol makes me feel like a gushing teenager moron. He is just so nice to look at. He chose to go through the shortest line (not my line at the time). "Damn," I thought. I need to find a flaw in this guy so I can stop senselessly crushing on him like an idiot every time he walks in.
Update: Elvira
I overheard a conversation between Elvira and another female coworker.
ELVIRA: You don't look like a dead person today.
FEM. CO-WORKER: I wanted to make sure you saw.
ELVIRA: Yes, it looks good.
ME: [to co-worker] What? Dead person?
FEM. CO-WORKER: Elvira told me that I look like a dead person when I don't wear makeup. I don't usually wear makeup here because it takes up too much time and I don't care, so Elvira tells me I look dead. She is fucking hilarious.
This, believe it or not, is Elvira being cool. Later in the day I would go over to help her bag groceries. She actually let me help her a little today!! Miracle of MIRACLES!!! Toward the end of her shift she walked over to me for the first time to talk to me. She asked me if I knew how to cook tofu. I told her I never tried but I took a stab at how one might cook it. I told her there are probably a bunch of recipes online, but she kept telling me that she wasn't interested in an online recipe. She wanted ME to buy tofu and cook it myself and then tell her how to cook it. She heard me once tell a customer how to make a vegetable curry. I think maybe Elvira sees me as some kind of cooking genius. I'll take it. I'm going to learn how to cook tofu.
Rancid Nancy
Rancid Nancy could be any woman who chose to wear as much musky perfume as this woman chose to. I refused to inhale and I had nowhere to turn without looking incredibly rude. I turned to look at the groceries Nancy was purchasing and I saw a fresh basil plant. HALLELUJAH! I grabbed the plant and dug my nose into the leaves to take the largest breath I could.
ME: Mm...I love the smell of fresh basil.
NANCY: I know! Isn't it the best?
It certainly was at the moment. I took in one more breath then I stationed the plant as close to my face as possible so I could breathe when I needed to. I held my breath in most of the time. This lady was sweet and super nice but HOLY HELL she wore too much perfume, so much that it reminded me of my time at the Indiana co-op in the hottest part of the summer. Farmers would come in during the day to drop off produce, probably right after they picked the crop and swept the cow dung out of the shed. They smelled like butt sweat. I couldn't breath and I dealt with it because these local farmers were doing saintly work. The difference is, this lady did not have to wear that perfume, or that much of it for that matter. I guessed that she didn't have any good friends in her life that are honest with her about things like scent. I have a handful of friends whose sole purpose in my life is to keep me from making dreadful social mistakes like cutting bangs, wearing t-shirts in public and dating closeted gay guys. Those are your real friends.
Old Lady #3
An old lady walks up fully clad in electric blue workout gear and a sun visor.
ME: Are you about to work out?
OLD LADY: Oh no, I just finished.
ME: Bench pressing 150?
OLD LADY: [cute old lady laugh] No way! I just finished playing a game of pickleball.
ME: What is pickleball?
OLD LADY: It's like badminton and table tennis thrown together in a pot and you play it with a wiffle ball.
ME: Huh.
OLD LADY: [points her finger at me] It's no whimpy game!
I went home and searched "pickleball" on Google. By George, it IS a real sport and it has an association. A sport is not a sport without an association, apparently. That old lady was saucy. I bet when she's on the court she throws down and makes a face like this when she scores a point:
Doogie Howser
This one little boy helped his mom put groceries on the belt. I love seeing kids help their moms.
ME: Are you enjoying your summer vacation?
BOY: Yes.
ME: Do you miss your teachers?
BOY: [nods yes]
ME: Are you ready to go back to school?
BOY: [nods yes]
ME: Are you serious? Kids never say that! What grade are you going to be in?
BOY: 3rd grade. If there was NO vacation, then I would be in a higher grade sooner. [he makes an exaggerated forwarding gesture]
ME: Then you would be in college in around 6 years?
BOY: Yes.
I laughed. Then I turned to him mom.
ME: You never have to tell him to do his homework, huh?
MOM: Nope. He is super smart. We never have to tell him to study because he wants to do it.
ME: Wow. [to the boy] What is your favorite subject?
BOY: Science. I like gravity.
I told the boy's mom she should take her son to the space center in Houston because there is a room that has zero gravity. I hope this kid gets to go. He would enjoy that so much.
Random Thought:
The songs, "My Boyfriend's Back" and "It's My Party," need to be removed from the grocery store musical canon. The out of tune scream singing makes me very angry and when I am tired "angry" has the potential to turn into "homicidal." If it weren't for the Rolling Stones' following rock song I'm sure I would have killed someone.
Update: Ghost Protocol
He returned to buy more groceries! Is this guy a regular? Ghost Protocol makes me feel like a gushing teenager moron. He is just so nice to look at. He chose to go through the shortest line (not my line at the time). "Damn," I thought. I need to find a flaw in this guy so I can stop senselessly crushing on him like an idiot every time he walks in.
Update: Elvira
I overheard a conversation between Elvira and another female coworker.
ELVIRA: You don't look like a dead person today.
FEM. CO-WORKER: I wanted to make sure you saw.
ELVIRA: Yes, it looks good.
ME: [to co-worker] What? Dead person?
FEM. CO-WORKER: Elvira told me that I look like a dead person when I don't wear makeup. I don't usually wear makeup here because it takes up too much time and I don't care, so Elvira tells me I look dead. She is fucking hilarious.
This, believe it or not, is Elvira being cool. Later in the day I would go over to help her bag groceries. She actually let me help her a little today!! Miracle of MIRACLES!!! Toward the end of her shift she walked over to me for the first time to talk to me. She asked me if I knew how to cook tofu. I told her I never tried but I took a stab at how one might cook it. I told her there are probably a bunch of recipes online, but she kept telling me that she wasn't interested in an online recipe. She wanted ME to buy tofu and cook it myself and then tell her how to cook it. She heard me once tell a customer how to make a vegetable curry. I think maybe Elvira sees me as some kind of cooking genius. I'll take it. I'm going to learn how to cook tofu.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Day Thirteen
Old Lady #2
An old lady came through my line with a package of frozen diced onions.
OLD LADY: Do you think those onions will pass for hot dog condiments? It's for a party.
ME: I'm sure they could, just throw them in a saute pan and heat them up, I'm sure that will work.
OLD LADY: Good, because I have reached the age of non-preparation.
ME: [laughs] That you have, I don't blame you.
OLD LADY: I'm throwing a pool party at the retirement home.
ME: That's so nice of you!
OLD LADY: I told the ladies if you don't like swimming and you don't like hot dogs then don't come!
ME: Was that what you wrote on the invitation?
OLD LADY: Yup!
Crap Indian
I began to check out the groceries of a very unlikely pair, an Indian woman and a man who could be one of the Trailer Park Boys.
MAN: What language do you speak?
ME: English.
MAN: HA! What are your parents?
ME: My heritage is Indian.
MAN: What's the language? Can you speak it?
ME: The language is Malayalam. I only know a few phrases. My parents did want to teach me the language but they were one of the first generations to move here-
WOMAN: You don't need to learn your parent's language. You're in America.
Hold the phone. Did I just stumble upon the one Indian person who is even worse at being Indian than me? I was going to tell this couple that my parents were worried about my education here in the U.S. and they weren't sure if I would do well learning Malayalam first, so they spoke mostly English at home. I actually do want to learn Malayalam and I want to be able to hold a conversation with my relatives. This woman wasn't interested in what I had to say as she kept cutting me off mid-sentence. I did somehow get in that I can cook some of my mother's recipes and I make meals for my friends from time to time, that Indian food is good. She said her parents were from Bombay and that she used to eat the best north Indian food. Then the man attempted a joke about how he always gets plenty of Indian and he coughed out a sleazy laugh as the woman smacked his arm.
Gross.
Ghost Protocol
A man walked up to buy something. I didn't notice what he was buying because he looked like this:
Jeremy Renner: the smoking hot guy who pretended he was some aide but turned out to be a ridiculously sexy but emotionally tortured agent in the movie Ghost Protocol. Without going into much detail for how bad I have it for James Bond types, let me just say it was a joy to look at this guy. I asked him if people tell him he looks like Jeremy Renner. He said no, and that he didn't know who Jeremy Renner was. I told him that he should go home and Google image search "Jeremy Renner" (and be flattered). I kept talking to this guy just so I could keep shamelessly staring at him. I don't remember what I said and it doesn't even matter. I wouldn't bother making a move on this guy or any hot guy I meet here and I can explain why.
Do you remember that popular romantic comedy about the incredibly handsome male customer who fell for the quirky female cashier who wore an oversized t-shirt, no makeup and rang up groceries at his local market? I don't either. Most rom-coms are unrealistic to begin with, so the fact that this plot hasn't made it into the screenplay of even the shittiest romantic comedy speaks volumes about the likelihood of Ghost Protocol diggin' a girl like me. I could throw down the fact that I'm an A.B.D. doctoral student and that I'm going to be an adjunct professor at a college in the fall and a choral director at a nearby church, but I choose not to waste my breath. For the sake of this blog, I think the behavior of many customers is far more interesting when they believe I'm just a cashier.
Chode
There is an area of our store called the Bulk section. It's a neat little place where you can take as little or as much as you want of whatever item you choose. Once you scoop out how ever much you want of an item. You are supposed to write the PLU number of the item on a tag, so that the cashier who checks you out will be able to check you out faster. Without the code the cashier will have to look up the item in a giant book and it may take forever.
Now enters this guy.
ME: [after ringing in a few groceries, I pick up a trail mix] Sir, what is this?
MAN: It's a trail mix with nuts and berries-
ME: I can see what is in it. Do you know what the name of the trail mix is?
MAN: It is $2.99 per pound.
ME: I'm sure it is, but I need a four digit PLU code. [i begin to look up codes to about 6 different trail mixes this could be]
MAN: Do you want me to get it?
ME: That would be great.
MAN: [walks off and comes back with the code]
ME: [after ringing in more groceries, picks up another unmarked bulk item, chocolate covered something] This one should be easier to find in the book.
MAN: Are you new?
ME: No.
MAN: Because I have never had this problem before.
ME: I'm not new. We actually do need codes to ring in these items.
MAN: I've never had this problem before. Do you want me to help you get this code?
ME: Are these chocolate covered raisins? (a guess)
MAN: Yes! Exactly! (smiling like an asshole, like he just taught me something)
ME: [flipping through the book to find the code]
MAN: [patronizingly] Do you want me to help you?
ME: NO!!
Was this guy trying to make me angry on purpose? Congratulations asshole, mission accomplished. How is it that 99% of our customers understand the concept of writing down the highlighted PLU code and this one prick doesn't? There are signs for this all over the department. This actually made me quite mad, leaving me in a bad mood for an hour until I clocked out. My manager had never heard me utter so many curse words before. He said, "It's nice to meet the real Miranda."
The real Miranda? What is that supposed to mean? I'm not always a cursing rage monster. I like to think I am a nice, well mannered girl most of the time. I only shed my human form when someone is really asking for it, kind of like the Hulk.
An old lady came through my line with a package of frozen diced onions.
OLD LADY: Do you think those onions will pass for hot dog condiments? It's for a party.
ME: I'm sure they could, just throw them in a saute pan and heat them up, I'm sure that will work.
OLD LADY: Good, because I have reached the age of non-preparation.
ME: [laughs] That you have, I don't blame you.
OLD LADY: I'm throwing a pool party at the retirement home.
ME: That's so nice of you!
OLD LADY: I told the ladies if you don't like swimming and you don't like hot dogs then don't come!
ME: Was that what you wrote on the invitation?
OLD LADY: Yup!
Crap Indian
I began to check out the groceries of a very unlikely pair, an Indian woman and a man who could be one of the Trailer Park Boys.
MAN: What language do you speak?
ME: English.
MAN: HA! What are your parents?
ME: My heritage is Indian.
MAN: What's the language? Can you speak it?
ME: The language is Malayalam. I only know a few phrases. My parents did want to teach me the language but they were one of the first generations to move here-
WOMAN: You don't need to learn your parent's language. You're in America.
Hold the phone. Did I just stumble upon the one Indian person who is even worse at being Indian than me? I was going to tell this couple that my parents were worried about my education here in the U.S. and they weren't sure if I would do well learning Malayalam first, so they spoke mostly English at home. I actually do want to learn Malayalam and I want to be able to hold a conversation with my relatives. This woman wasn't interested in what I had to say as she kept cutting me off mid-sentence. I did somehow get in that I can cook some of my mother's recipes and I make meals for my friends from time to time, that Indian food is good. She said her parents were from Bombay and that she used to eat the best north Indian food. Then the man attempted a joke about how he always gets plenty of Indian and he coughed out a sleazy laugh as the woman smacked his arm.
Gross.
Ghost Protocol
A man walked up to buy something. I didn't notice what he was buying because he looked like this:
Jeremy Renner: the smoking hot guy who pretended he was some aide but turned out to be a ridiculously sexy but emotionally tortured agent in the movie Ghost Protocol. Without going into much detail for how bad I have it for James Bond types, let me just say it was a joy to look at this guy. I asked him if people tell him he looks like Jeremy Renner. He said no, and that he didn't know who Jeremy Renner was. I told him that he should go home and Google image search "Jeremy Renner" (and be flattered). I kept talking to this guy just so I could keep shamelessly staring at him. I don't remember what I said and it doesn't even matter. I wouldn't bother making a move on this guy or any hot guy I meet here and I can explain why.
Do you remember that popular romantic comedy about the incredibly handsome male customer who fell for the quirky female cashier who wore an oversized t-shirt, no makeup and rang up groceries at his local market? I don't either. Most rom-coms are unrealistic to begin with, so the fact that this plot hasn't made it into the screenplay of even the shittiest romantic comedy speaks volumes about the likelihood of Ghost Protocol diggin' a girl like me. I could throw down the fact that I'm an A.B.D. doctoral student and that I'm going to be an adjunct professor at a college in the fall and a choral director at a nearby church, but I choose not to waste my breath. For the sake of this blog, I think the behavior of many customers is far more interesting when they believe I'm just a cashier.
Chode
There is an area of our store called the Bulk section. It's a neat little place where you can take as little or as much as you want of whatever item you choose. Once you scoop out how ever much you want of an item. You are supposed to write the PLU number of the item on a tag, so that the cashier who checks you out will be able to check you out faster. Without the code the cashier will have to look up the item in a giant book and it may take forever.
Now enters this guy.
ME: [after ringing in a few groceries, I pick up a trail mix] Sir, what is this?
MAN: It's a trail mix with nuts and berries-
ME: I can see what is in it. Do you know what the name of the trail mix is?
MAN: It is $2.99 per pound.
ME: I'm sure it is, but I need a four digit PLU code. [i begin to look up codes to about 6 different trail mixes this could be]
MAN: Do you want me to get it?
ME: That would be great.
MAN: [walks off and comes back with the code]
ME: [after ringing in more groceries, picks up another unmarked bulk item, chocolate covered something] This one should be easier to find in the book.
MAN: Are you new?
ME: No.
MAN: Because I have never had this problem before.
ME: I'm not new. We actually do need codes to ring in these items.
MAN: I've never had this problem before. Do you want me to help you get this code?
ME: Are these chocolate covered raisins? (a guess)
MAN: Yes! Exactly! (smiling like an asshole, like he just taught me something)
ME: [flipping through the book to find the code]
MAN: [patronizingly] Do you want me to help you?
ME: NO!!
Was this guy trying to make me angry on purpose? Congratulations asshole, mission accomplished. How is it that 99% of our customers understand the concept of writing down the highlighted PLU code and this one prick doesn't? There are signs for this all over the department. This actually made me quite mad, leaving me in a bad mood for an hour until I clocked out. My manager had never heard me utter so many curse words before. He said, "It's nice to meet the real Miranda."
The real Miranda? What is that supposed to mean? I'm not always a cursing rage monster. I like to think I am a nice, well mannered girl most of the time. I only shed my human form when someone is really asking for it, kind of like the Hulk.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Day Twelve
Today was my fifth day working in a row. Drained of all energy, I came into work thinking, "Today is the day no one interesting will show up. Maybe I'll take a day off of blog writing. Yeah." Then I met:
Hal E. Tosis
A man walked up to my register wearing an army shirt.
ME: Hi! Are you in the army?
HAL: Ohhhhhh no. [laughs] Now that would be ironic!
First of all, the reason why I put so many of the letter "h" in oh is because this guy didn't just say the word, he breathed the word on me. That is when my lungs shut down all operation, because this guy had the WORST BREATH EVER. I held my breath and waited for an appropriate amount of time before I turned my head to breath oxygen from elsewhere. Okay, fine. No one has minty fresh breath all of the time, but if one's breath is potentially bad, it is advisable to keep from sighing out words (especially any word with an audible "h" sound, bro) or cover the mouth slightly when talking. I decided to cut this guy some slack and I continued to converse with him.
ME: So, how would your being in the Army be ironic?
HAL: Well, because I would NEVER join the army.
ME: [after fighting to urge to judge him from the incorrect use of a literary device, I continued] How has your day been?
HAL: It was great until I had to see the dentist.
ME: Check up was no fun?
HAL: No.
Wait. This guy just saw the dentist? Who leaves a trip to the dentist with bad breath? I could only conclude two things. Either he DID just see the dentist after which he chewed on a rotten raw onion while he shopped for groceries, OR his dentist doesn't believe in mouthwash. I would like to believe that if this guy knew his breath was terrible he would do something about it. Maybe I'll pass out mints to my customers.
A Word of Advice:
Never send your eight year old son to the produce section to find fresh dill while you are checking out in line. Chances are, he will be looking for something that looks like a pickle (and he will be looking for a long time).
Observation:
You can't convince a kid that anyone is stronger that his favorite superhero. Two very young boys walked up with their parents to my register and one of them was wearing a Spiderman t-shirt. I asked the boys, "Who would win in a battle between Superman and Spiderman?" The kids told me Spiderman would win. They were biased and clearly not thinking this through. I decided I would play the devil's advocate.
ME: Superman is superhuman.
BOYS: Kryptonite.
ME: Fair enough, but Spiderman would never resort to kryptonite. That would make him no better than Lex Luthor, so we can rule that out. What about Superman being the man of steel? He is stronger than Spiderman.
BOYS: Spiderman shoots out a web that can hold a train. The web is super strong (this is as close as I could gather, they were both talking at the same time).
ME: Superman can fly.
BOYS: Spiderman has a web and he can fly through the air (again, from so much being said at the same time)
ME: Superman has heat vision.
BOYS: SPIDERMAN HAS A WEB!
At this point the boys were ultra defensive, maybe even mad. They probably wondered, "How on earth could anyone NOT understand the power of Spiderman's web?" The parents were laughing. My efforts were futile. In the end I told the boys that they were right, Spiderman would win. With pride the boys had the last word. They continued to talk about the indestructible qualities of the web as their parents dragged them out of the store. You can't change change a boy's mind about his favorite superhero, don't even try. Just an observation.
Update: Speedy Gonzales
I was slowly winning over the co-workers that I did not initially get along with with the exception of one. Speedy still checked people out at the socially awkward speed of light. I never made any attempt to talk with her. If she came over to help bag groceries, the most I would say is "hello" and "thanks for helping," tops.
Today, Speedy clocked out at the same time I was on break. I picked up some food and sat down in the Deli area. Speedy was there.
ME: Howdy. What are you still doing here?
SPEEDY: I'm off the clock but I don't feel like going home. I feel like being social.
Eh? She didn't say she wanted to be social while walking off to talk to other pals. This seemed a prompt for wanting to chat. Speedy is being nice? Where did the negativity-laden overachiever go? I was looking forward to getting started reading Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, but I decided to be nice and invite Speedy to talk.
ME: I'm sitting here on break, wanna hang?
SPEEDY: Sure!
There is apparently no gradual "getting to know" phase with Speedy. It was zero to BFF with no "in between." I was assuming she was a home schooled, only-child growing up. I wondered if maybe her parents didn't let her hang with her school friends much. The conversation played out like a job interview. She told me I was the only person of all of the cashiers she had not talked to yet. Apparently she is getting her associate's degree at a local community college and thinking of transferring to the local large college. The conversation with Speedy was all business just short of handing me a resume with three professional references. Awkwardness aside, I'll take it. I'll take any small version of Speedy's kindness. It means she is trying and I appreciate that.
Hal E. Tosis
A man walked up to my register wearing an army shirt.
ME: Hi! Are you in the army?
HAL: Ohhhhhh no. [laughs] Now that would be ironic!
First of all, the reason why I put so many of the letter "h" in oh is because this guy didn't just say the word, he breathed the word on me. That is when my lungs shut down all operation, because this guy had the WORST BREATH EVER. I held my breath and waited for an appropriate amount of time before I turned my head to breath oxygen from elsewhere. Okay, fine. No one has minty fresh breath all of the time, but if one's breath is potentially bad, it is advisable to keep from sighing out words (especially any word with an audible "h" sound, bro) or cover the mouth slightly when talking. I decided to cut this guy some slack and I continued to converse with him.
ME: So, how would your being in the Army be ironic?
HAL: Well, because I would NEVER join the army.
ME: [after fighting to urge to judge him from the incorrect use of a literary device, I continued] How has your day been?
HAL: It was great until I had to see the dentist.
ME: Check up was no fun?
HAL: No.
Wait. This guy just saw the dentist? Who leaves a trip to the dentist with bad breath? I could only conclude two things. Either he DID just see the dentist after which he chewed on a rotten raw onion while he shopped for groceries, OR his dentist doesn't believe in mouthwash. I would like to believe that if this guy knew his breath was terrible he would do something about it. Maybe I'll pass out mints to my customers.
A Word of Advice:
Never send your eight year old son to the produce section to find fresh dill while you are checking out in line. Chances are, he will be looking for something that looks like a pickle (and he will be looking for a long time).
Observation:
You can't convince a kid that anyone is stronger that his favorite superhero. Two very young boys walked up with their parents to my register and one of them was wearing a Spiderman t-shirt. I asked the boys, "Who would win in a battle between Superman and Spiderman?" The kids told me Spiderman would win. They were biased and clearly not thinking this through. I decided I would play the devil's advocate.
ME: Superman is superhuman.
BOYS: Kryptonite.
ME: Fair enough, but Spiderman would never resort to kryptonite. That would make him no better than Lex Luthor, so we can rule that out. What about Superman being the man of steel? He is stronger than Spiderman.
BOYS: Spiderman shoots out a web that can hold a train. The web is super strong (this is as close as I could gather, they were both talking at the same time).
ME: Superman can fly.
BOYS: Spiderman has a web and he can fly through the air (again, from so much being said at the same time)
ME: Superman has heat vision.
BOYS: SPIDERMAN HAS A WEB!
At this point the boys were ultra defensive, maybe even mad. They probably wondered, "How on earth could anyone NOT understand the power of Spiderman's web?" The parents were laughing. My efforts were futile. In the end I told the boys that they were right, Spiderman would win. With pride the boys had the last word. They continued to talk about the indestructible qualities of the web as their parents dragged them out of the store. You can't change change a boy's mind about his favorite superhero, don't even try. Just an observation.
Update: Speedy Gonzales
I was slowly winning over the co-workers that I did not initially get along with with the exception of one. Speedy still checked people out at the socially awkward speed of light. I never made any attempt to talk with her. If she came over to help bag groceries, the most I would say is "hello" and "thanks for helping," tops.
Today, Speedy clocked out at the same time I was on break. I picked up some food and sat down in the Deli area. Speedy was there.
ME: Howdy. What are you still doing here?
SPEEDY: I'm off the clock but I don't feel like going home. I feel like being social.
Eh? She didn't say she wanted to be social while walking off to talk to other pals. This seemed a prompt for wanting to chat. Speedy is being nice? Where did the negativity-laden overachiever go? I was looking forward to getting started reading Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, but I decided to be nice and invite Speedy to talk.
ME: I'm sitting here on break, wanna hang?
SPEEDY: Sure!
There is apparently no gradual "getting to know" phase with Speedy. It was zero to BFF with no "in between." I was assuming she was a home schooled, only-child growing up. I wondered if maybe her parents didn't let her hang with her school friends much. The conversation played out like a job interview. She told me I was the only person of all of the cashiers she had not talked to yet. Apparently she is getting her associate's degree at a local community college and thinking of transferring to the local large college. The conversation with Speedy was all business just short of handing me a resume with three professional references. Awkwardness aside, I'll take it. I'll take any small version of Speedy's kindness. It means she is trying and I appreciate that.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Day Eleven
It's Father's Day. One would think this would make for an easy conversation starter, but I dare not bring it up unless I see a father with his son or unless the customer brings it up. What if a customer had recently lost a father or a son? What if a customer just went through a divorce or had an abusive dad? What if a couple was trying to get pregnant and couldn't because one of the two was sterile? Nope. I'm not going to bring it up.
Trojan Boy
A guy walked up and I noticed he had a pair of those expanders that increase the diameter of an ear piercing. The diameter of his piercing was at an inch, it took him several months to get it there. I then heard giggling behind me but I paid it no attention. I told the customer that his piercing reminded me of my great grandmothers in India. They would wear the most dreadfully heavy large gold hoops. If I didn't know any better I would have thought they were putting really thick bracelets on the wrong part of their bodies. These heavy earrings would pull at the diameter of the piercing, leaving gaping large holes in their earlobes. When those holes got too big, one of my GG's pierced the top of her ears, wearing the same gold, bracelet-sized earrings. When I visited her as a child, all I could focus on were the gigantic ear holes. "Interesting," laughed my customer. After conversing with him and checking out his groceries, I wished him a nice day and he went on his way. Then I was approached by O.C.Daisy.
DAISY: What was up with that hair?
ME: Huh?
DAISY: That customer you just had, he looks like a skunk. We were all just staring at it (and laughing apparently). He looks like that guy on the Trojan condom commercial. You know, the one with his hair blown way back? [She laughs.]
ME: No, I don't know. I didn't notice his hair.
Maybe he did have big hair, so fucking what? I don't know why I was offended at what O.C.D. said. Maybe it was because I had just finished having a nice conversation with this guy and the other girls were making fun of him. I felt like they were making fun of a friend of mine. Maybe Daisy meant no harm, but I don't think anyone who has missing teeth should make fun of how anyone else looks.
Men's Day
A lady came up in my line and started a conversation about Father's day with the Infamous Patti. They knew each other somehow.
LADY: Today we had Men's Day at church. All of the fathers and grandfathers were allowed to come to church wearing whatever they wanted and there was a grill and we all had barbeque after the service.
PATTI: Did they actually come wearing whatever they wanted?
LADY: Oh yes! They looked a mess wearing flip flops, shorts, cut-offs-
ME: Wife beaters?
LADY: [no response]
ME: I mean, white tank tops?
LADY: No, none of those.
Another reason why I shouldn't talk about Father's Day.
Anna Wintour, Jr.
A customer walked up to buy groceries and loaded everything on the belt. She then called her daughter from behind her and up comes this ultra fabulous little five year old. She had on a hot pink shirt and over it she donned a black and white fake leopard fur jacket (keep in mind, this is summertime in Texas). Incognito, she wore on the most "Vogue" pair of sunglasses you'll ever see on a little kid. She was carrying her own little basket and from it she handed me a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. I rang it in and gave her the total. Her little bangles clinked together as she reached into a little white leather purse and took out a hot pink wallet that she kept only two dollars in. After I gave her change back, she said, "Thank you very much," and walked back behind her mom.
I wondered if this was how her mom acts. I looked at the mom. She was a pretty ordinary looking mom, ordinarily dressed. "She really loves to play shopping," she said about her daughter. This was play time for that little girl? She loves going to stores and pretending to be a grown up, and all with her mom? That is so cute.
BharataNOTyam
This girl walked into the store with the most makeup I have ever seen on anyone's face, ever. Everything was caked on, foundation, blush, huge amounts of black eyeliner, her lip liner was a darker red than her lips, and her face was blushed over with an iridescent shade of bluish purple. It was as if she was going for this look seen in Bharatanatyam Indian classical dance:
This is stage makeup, so the facial features may appear large. Bharatanatyam is really beautiful to see and the music is killin', metrically and melodically. This customer went beyond this kind of makeup, like she was trying to look like Krishna.
ME: Are you wearing stage or dance makeup?
GIRL: No.
ME: Oh.
PATTI: [nervously] Looks pretty, looks pretty.
Patti, always there to attempt to make an awkward moment less awkward. The most interesting thing of all was that she was in the store to purchase facial soap. At least she takes care of her skin. I could tell that under that face, was a naturally beautiful girl. Oh well, this is her statement. To each his (or her) own.
P.S. I will NEVER make fun of Cake Eyes ever again.
Hannibal Lecter
A man walked up in my line and for some crazy reason, this conversation began:
MAN: Did you know the longest a city could live without food is 2 weeks?
ME: Without food? Just water, right?
MAN: Right.
ME: Interesting.
MAN: I read that while reading about cannibalism.
ME: Cannibalism. So you're a cannibal? [I took off my name tag and threw it in my drawer]
MAN: Ha. If were to be a cannibal, I would probably want to go after someone who is obese.
ME: No you wouldn't, because that would be mostly fat. What you want is lean muscle.
MAN: You would be right.
ME: I can't believe we are having this conversation.
I'm sure that I was speaking to a normal human being who eats plants and animals, but to be sure I had someone walk me to my car when I left.
Update: Elvira
Elvira was working next to me today. She responded to my greetings and was even conversing with me about cooking at one point. During my shift, a customer walked up with a very tired little girl in her arm. The little girl had just returned with her mom and dad from Disney World the previous day, and she was covered in glittery temporary tattoos. I was curious and asked if she got those at Disney World and the mom said she did them herself. I was so impressed, these tattoos looked so good and apparently they last ten days. Elvira jumped into the conversation, saying that you could get the materials from a place called Brilliant Sky and went on about how you do it.
After that customer left, I had a moment to stand still and think about how far Elvira had come from being completely anti-social to this. I wondered why she is so initially cold to me and to others. Was she waiting to find out if I'm nice/not an idiot? Maybe it's just today that she's being nice. I did hear the usually unemotional Speedy Gonzales laugh later in the day. Like, genuine happy laughter. What the hell was happening? Maybe I'm in the Twilight Zone.
Update: The Infamous Patti
So Patti turned out to be a super helpful, awesome and fun head cashier. All the warnings I got about her being slow and hard to work with were bogus. One day I asked her if her eyelashes were really as long as they look. She told me get little eyelash extensions put in, that is is one of her treats she gives herself. That, and mani/pedis. She told me she doesn't go out ever and she lives with her brother and his wife. I found that peculiar.
She then told me she wasn't married, that her husband died last year of colon cancer. He had no warning, he didn't show any symptoms. Once the doctor diagnosed him, he died two months later. She told me he was an alcoholic. I said I was sorry for her loss. She said, "Oh, there's nothing you can do about it. He really did this to himself. It honestly hurt more when my dad died this past January."
Damn.
Without going into much detail about her marriage, she said she was raised Catholic and there was no such thing as getting a divorce, from this I assumed her husband made her life miserable. She said, "the odd thing is, when you lose your spouse, you end up missing all of the things that aggravated you. It's crazy."
She also told me about how she lost her mother to Alzheimer's disease. Her mom suffered from it for eleven years. Patti would visit her mom with her husband and her mom would think Patti was her husband's mistress. Patti had suffered, very recently, an incredible amount of loss, yet she is so sweet, nice and energetic every time I see her at work. When it gets really busy she comes over to my register to help bag groceries and say, "Can I play 'store' with you?" Like a kid. She told me all of the sad details of her life like she had reached closure, even peace about it all. Patti is the epitome of strength.
Trojan Boy
A guy walked up and I noticed he had a pair of those expanders that increase the diameter of an ear piercing. The diameter of his piercing was at an inch, it took him several months to get it there. I then heard giggling behind me but I paid it no attention. I told the customer that his piercing reminded me of my great grandmothers in India. They would wear the most dreadfully heavy large gold hoops. If I didn't know any better I would have thought they were putting really thick bracelets on the wrong part of their bodies. These heavy earrings would pull at the diameter of the piercing, leaving gaping large holes in their earlobes. When those holes got too big, one of my GG's pierced the top of her ears, wearing the same gold, bracelet-sized earrings. When I visited her as a child, all I could focus on were the gigantic ear holes. "Interesting," laughed my customer. After conversing with him and checking out his groceries, I wished him a nice day and he went on his way. Then I was approached by O.C.Daisy.
DAISY: What was up with that hair?
ME: Huh?
DAISY: That customer you just had, he looks like a skunk. We were all just staring at it (and laughing apparently). He looks like that guy on the Trojan condom commercial. You know, the one with his hair blown way back? [She laughs.]
ME: No, I don't know. I didn't notice his hair.
Maybe he did have big hair, so fucking what? I don't know why I was offended at what O.C.D. said. Maybe it was because I had just finished having a nice conversation with this guy and the other girls were making fun of him. I felt like they were making fun of a friend of mine. Maybe Daisy meant no harm, but I don't think anyone who has missing teeth should make fun of how anyone else looks.
Men's Day
A lady came up in my line and started a conversation about Father's day with the Infamous Patti. They knew each other somehow.
LADY: Today we had Men's Day at church. All of the fathers and grandfathers were allowed to come to church wearing whatever they wanted and there was a grill and we all had barbeque after the service.
PATTI: Did they actually come wearing whatever they wanted?
LADY: Oh yes! They looked a mess wearing flip flops, shorts, cut-offs-
ME: Wife beaters?
LADY: [no response]
ME: I mean, white tank tops?
LADY: No, none of those.
Another reason why I shouldn't talk about Father's Day.
Anna Wintour, Jr.
A customer walked up to buy groceries and loaded everything on the belt. She then called her daughter from behind her and up comes this ultra fabulous little five year old. She had on a hot pink shirt and over it she donned a black and white fake leopard fur jacket (keep in mind, this is summertime in Texas). Incognito, she wore on the most "Vogue" pair of sunglasses you'll ever see on a little kid. She was carrying her own little basket and from it she handed me a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. I rang it in and gave her the total. Her little bangles clinked together as she reached into a little white leather purse and took out a hot pink wallet that she kept only two dollars in. After I gave her change back, she said, "Thank you very much," and walked back behind her mom.
I wondered if this was how her mom acts. I looked at the mom. She was a pretty ordinary looking mom, ordinarily dressed. "She really loves to play shopping," she said about her daughter. This was play time for that little girl? She loves going to stores and pretending to be a grown up, and all with her mom? That is so cute.
BharataNOTyam
This girl walked into the store with the most makeup I have ever seen on anyone's face, ever. Everything was caked on, foundation, blush, huge amounts of black eyeliner, her lip liner was a darker red than her lips, and her face was blushed over with an iridescent shade of bluish purple. It was as if she was going for this look seen in Bharatanatyam Indian classical dance:
This is stage makeup, so the facial features may appear large. Bharatanatyam is really beautiful to see and the music is killin', metrically and melodically. This customer went beyond this kind of makeup, like she was trying to look like Krishna.
ME: Are you wearing stage or dance makeup?
GIRL: No.
ME: Oh.
PATTI: [nervously] Looks pretty, looks pretty.
Patti, always there to attempt to make an awkward moment less awkward. The most interesting thing of all was that she was in the store to purchase facial soap. At least she takes care of her skin. I could tell that under that face, was a naturally beautiful girl. Oh well, this is her statement. To each his (or her) own.
P.S. I will NEVER make fun of Cake Eyes ever again.
Hannibal Lecter
A man walked up in my line and for some crazy reason, this conversation began:
MAN: Did you know the longest a city could live without food is 2 weeks?
ME: Without food? Just water, right?
MAN: Right.
ME: Interesting.
MAN: I read that while reading about cannibalism.
ME: Cannibalism. So you're a cannibal? [I took off my name tag and threw it in my drawer]
MAN: Ha. If were to be a cannibal, I would probably want to go after someone who is obese.
ME: No you wouldn't, because that would be mostly fat. What you want is lean muscle.
MAN: You would be right.
ME: I can't believe we are having this conversation.
I'm sure that I was speaking to a normal human being who eats plants and animals, but to be sure I had someone walk me to my car when I left.
Update: Elvira
Elvira was working next to me today. She responded to my greetings and was even conversing with me about cooking at one point. During my shift, a customer walked up with a very tired little girl in her arm. The little girl had just returned with her mom and dad from Disney World the previous day, and she was covered in glittery temporary tattoos. I was curious and asked if she got those at Disney World and the mom said she did them herself. I was so impressed, these tattoos looked so good and apparently they last ten days. Elvira jumped into the conversation, saying that you could get the materials from a place called Brilliant Sky and went on about how you do it.
After that customer left, I had a moment to stand still and think about how far Elvira had come from being completely anti-social to this. I wondered why she is so initially cold to me and to others. Was she waiting to find out if I'm nice/not an idiot? Maybe it's just today that she's being nice. I did hear the usually unemotional Speedy Gonzales laugh later in the day. Like, genuine happy laughter. What the hell was happening? Maybe I'm in the Twilight Zone.
Update: The Infamous Patti
So Patti turned out to be a super helpful, awesome and fun head cashier. All the warnings I got about her being slow and hard to work with were bogus. One day I asked her if her eyelashes were really as long as they look. She told me get little eyelash extensions put in, that is is one of her treats she gives herself. That, and mani/pedis. She told me she doesn't go out ever and she lives with her brother and his wife. I found that peculiar.
She then told me she wasn't married, that her husband died last year of colon cancer. He had no warning, he didn't show any symptoms. Once the doctor diagnosed him, he died two months later. She told me he was an alcoholic. I said I was sorry for her loss. She said, "Oh, there's nothing you can do about it. He really did this to himself. It honestly hurt more when my dad died this past January."
Damn.
Without going into much detail about her marriage, she said she was raised Catholic and there was no such thing as getting a divorce, from this I assumed her husband made her life miserable. She said, "the odd thing is, when you lose your spouse, you end up missing all of the things that aggravated you. It's crazy."
She also told me about how she lost her mother to Alzheimer's disease. Her mom suffered from it for eleven years. Patti would visit her mom with her husband and her mom would think Patti was her husband's mistress. Patti had suffered, very recently, an incredible amount of loss, yet she is so sweet, nice and energetic every time I see her at work. When it gets really busy she comes over to my register to help bag groceries and say, "Can I play 'store' with you?" Like a kid. She told me all of the sad details of her life like she had reached closure, even peace about it all. Patti is the epitome of strength.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Day Ten
Actor
A woman came to my line with a bottle of wine.
ME: So ma'am, how long have you been 21?
LADY: Oh, I'm 60. I have no problem admitting it.
ME: Cool, so you're almost retired, huh?
LADY: I'm an actor so I never retire.
ME: Ooh! You're an actor? What roles have you done lately?
LADY: I was in The Taming of the Shrew, but that was 25 years ago.
ME: Oh.
LADY: Now I teach acting at a high school. Some of them tell me they want to be actors, then I laugh at them and maybe try to steer them in the right direction.
Lucky kids...
Observation :
Old dudes that wear t-shirts decorated with the grim reaper also tend to have arms covered in tattoos and they always look like Hulk Hogan. They are also always some of the most kind, happy and friendly people I meet. Just an observation.
Old Lady #1
This old lady came in through my line and gave me a big reusable bag to put their groceries in. I noticed there was writing on the inside of the bag, but I didn't think anything of it. After they paid, I handed the old lady her bag.
OLD LADY: Sorry that the bag is inside out.
ME: Oh. That's fine, it still works right?
OLD LADY: Yeah. It's just that the bag advertises crime cleanup and I didn't want people to think things.
Since when did crime cleanup companies give out reusable bags? I didn't know crime cleanup was becoming so eco-friendly. How did this lady get this reusable bag? Was it a gift for services rendered? Who uses a reusable bag from a crime cleanup company?
NYPD
Earlier in my shift, a man came through my line wearing a Chicago Fire Department-shirt. I asked him if he was in the Chicago FD and he said yes. He told me he worked there for many years and lived in a suburb 15 miles south of the city. I thought that was cool. Later in my shift came an older man who was wearing an NYPD cap. I asked him if he was in the NYPD. He told me a dear friend of his was in the NYPD. He said he died in the attack on 9/11 and the family of this brave policeman had since moved out of New York. He said he wears the NYPD cap everyday in honor of his friend's sacrifice. I told him I was sorry that he lost his friend. Hearing about this made me not want to ask a question like that ever again. So sad.
Hippie Apples, or "Happles" For Short
A whole family came to my line to check out groceries. I tried so hard to keep from staring. The mom was a flower child. She wore a tie dye peasant blouse. What was far more interesting was that all four of her children were dressed like her. Two boys and two girls, all with the same hair cut as their mother, long hair with bangs. Yes bangs, even on the boys. The boys were walking the fine line between childhood and youth as evidenced by the peach fuzz over their upper lips. They had bangs. The best part of all? The dad looked nothing like any of them. He could fit right into a live film version of King of the Hill. He was an older dude with a beer gut, donning a signature t-shirt that displayed the message, "I'll be nice to you if you stop being an idiot." An alternate title for this entry was "Hank and the Bohemians."
Update: Elvira
Today was the first day Elvira looked me in the eye.
ME: How is your day going?
ELVIRA: It's alright.
ME: Has it been busy?
ELVIRA: So and so. [she waved her hand from side to side]
That was the most we have ever talked, ever. Eye contact? Body language? I was in shock and elated that there was the slightest chance that Elvira could be turning around. Progress!!
A woman came to my line with a bottle of wine.
ME: So ma'am, how long have you been 21?
LADY: Oh, I'm 60. I have no problem admitting it.
ME: Cool, so you're almost retired, huh?
LADY: I'm an actor so I never retire.
ME: Ooh! You're an actor? What roles have you done lately?
LADY: I was in The Taming of the Shrew, but that was 25 years ago.
ME: Oh.
LADY: Now I teach acting at a high school. Some of them tell me they want to be actors, then I laugh at them and maybe try to steer them in the right direction.
Lucky kids...
Observation :
Old dudes that wear t-shirts decorated with the grim reaper also tend to have arms covered in tattoos and they always look like Hulk Hogan. They are also always some of the most kind, happy and friendly people I meet. Just an observation.
Old Lady #1
This old lady came in through my line and gave me a big reusable bag to put their groceries in. I noticed there was writing on the inside of the bag, but I didn't think anything of it. After they paid, I handed the old lady her bag.
OLD LADY: Sorry that the bag is inside out.
ME: Oh. That's fine, it still works right?
OLD LADY: Yeah. It's just that the bag advertises crime cleanup and I didn't want people to think things.
Since when did crime cleanup companies give out reusable bags? I didn't know crime cleanup was becoming so eco-friendly. How did this lady get this reusable bag? Was it a gift for services rendered? Who uses a reusable bag from a crime cleanup company?
NYPD
Earlier in my shift, a man came through my line wearing a Chicago Fire Department-shirt. I asked him if he was in the Chicago FD and he said yes. He told me he worked there for many years and lived in a suburb 15 miles south of the city. I thought that was cool. Later in my shift came an older man who was wearing an NYPD cap. I asked him if he was in the NYPD. He told me a dear friend of his was in the NYPD. He said he died in the attack on 9/11 and the family of this brave policeman had since moved out of New York. He said he wears the NYPD cap everyday in honor of his friend's sacrifice. I told him I was sorry that he lost his friend. Hearing about this made me not want to ask a question like that ever again. So sad.
Hippie Apples, or "Happles" For Short
A whole family came to my line to check out groceries. I tried so hard to keep from staring. The mom was a flower child. She wore a tie dye peasant blouse. What was far more interesting was that all four of her children were dressed like her. Two boys and two girls, all with the same hair cut as their mother, long hair with bangs. Yes bangs, even on the boys. The boys were walking the fine line between childhood and youth as evidenced by the peach fuzz over their upper lips. They had bangs. The best part of all? The dad looked nothing like any of them. He could fit right into a live film version of King of the Hill. He was an older dude with a beer gut, donning a signature t-shirt that displayed the message, "I'll be nice to you if you stop being an idiot." An alternate title for this entry was "Hank and the Bohemians."
Update: Elvira
Today was the first day Elvira looked me in the eye.
ME: How is your day going?
ELVIRA: It's alright.
ME: Has it been busy?
ELVIRA: So and so. [she waved her hand from side to side]
That was the most we have ever talked, ever. Eye contact? Body language? I was in shock and elated that there was the slightest chance that Elvira could be turning around. Progress!!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Day Nine
Update: Cute Guy, Maybe
This guy is pretty interesting. He tries to take really long breaks. Instead of clocking out for lunch like everyone else does, he'll take five or six minutes to order a sandwich, clock out, take 30 minutes, clock in and then use the restroom for as long as it takes. His 30 minute lunches stretch out to 40 minutes if he can get away with it. Lately our managers have been busting him, paging him at the end of his lunch or watching him to make sure he clocks out first. He is still non-social and doesn't look at anyone he speaks to, but he gets plenty of attention from the other girls. Once the customer flow died down there would be an average of 3 girls at the end of his register, trying to talk to him. Today it was a girl from vitamins, Crazy Red Head Vegan, Banshee and Sally Spec. Oh man, what I would give to hear what they are saying (really, what Vegan is saying) to see how uncomfortable it makes him.
But I Do Love My Husband
A woman walked up and started to load groceries on the belt when her husband appeared out of nowhere and placed some chocolate covered pretzels on the belt. The wife said, "What are those?" She knows what they are. She just wants to make her husband feel like a fat lard for wanting to buy some sweets. The husband walks away to turn on the car and this woman sounds off about her husband to me.
WOMAN: Oh my god, we come here for only a few things and he knows what we are here for, but as soon as we walk in he stops everywhere and is like, "Ooh, what is this?" Then we end up being here for an hour. I tell ya, he's good at certain things but can't focus when it comes to a task. [she laughs out of frustration] He's great when it comes to fixing stuff but he not the smartest, you know....signs are not for the illiterate.
ME: Yeah...
Observation:
Teenagers, especially girls, cross their arms a lot. Our air conditioner is broken, so I know they are not cold. Just an observation.
Village Person
Village Person will be "in the Navy" in a couple weeks. He has never told me about it but I would hear him talk about it to other girls. He would never say, "I'm joining the Navy," in a humble and honored way, but in a bragging fashion like,"Yeah, I'm gonna be in the Navy soon." I have never met any guy who has made the decision to join any branch of our military with the expectations that he would graduate from BMT with the body of Van Damme, all of a sudden having the swagger of the Dos Equis guy. He does angled pushups against the registers. It's okay, he will not be this way for long. In a few weeks a drill sergeant is going to make a bitch out of him.
Can't Turn Everyone Around
A seemingly older woman came through my line. I greeted her, she didn't greet me back. She wore sunglasses and had her hair wrapped in a bandana. I tried to ask her how she was doing and she didn't really respond, she kept her head down. She clearly wanted out of the store. I noticed she barely had eyebrows and her hair near the bandana was incredibly thin. Her skin was pale and unhealthy. This woman was battling cancer. I didn't try talking to her after that. This was not someone I was going to make smile in a matter of minutes. I wondered how she was feeling. Sad? Angry at the card she was dealt? Clearly she was in a physical and emotional pain I couldn't imagine.
The "life is short" message carried on a few hours later when a customer told me she was not having a good day. I asked why, I always ask why. She said she just found out a friend of hers found out she had breast cancer. She told me that this woman had two kids. I asked her how old this woman was. The woman was 32.
I am almost 32. That knocked the air out of my lungs. I took a moment to think about that in silence as I rang in groceries. I thought of a few people I know who are currently battling cancer who are my age. It is not uncommon, but it is so unfair. I eventually told this woman that I was sorry that this happened to her friend. I didn't know if she knew, I was sure she would be informed to be this way, but I told her to be really positive, that when someone has cancer it is important for them to have as much light and optimism around as possible. This customer thanked me for the advice and she said she will try her hardest to be that way.
I spent a long time after that thinking of how I take care of myself and how people I know take care of themselves. I pondered about the things that set diseases like this in motion: foods, inactivity, harmful exposure, genes, etc. All I can do is take care of myself and live the best life possible. I spent the rest of my shift ruminating on a truth I once heard a pastor say at a funeral:
"The one and only silver lining to experiencing a tragedy is that it brings all of us back to what is truly important in our lives."
This guy is pretty interesting. He tries to take really long breaks. Instead of clocking out for lunch like everyone else does, he'll take five or six minutes to order a sandwich, clock out, take 30 minutes, clock in and then use the restroom for as long as it takes. His 30 minute lunches stretch out to 40 minutes if he can get away with it. Lately our managers have been busting him, paging him at the end of his lunch or watching him to make sure he clocks out first. He is still non-social and doesn't look at anyone he speaks to, but he gets plenty of attention from the other girls. Once the customer flow died down there would be an average of 3 girls at the end of his register, trying to talk to him. Today it was a girl from vitamins, Crazy Red Head Vegan, Banshee and Sally Spec. Oh man, what I would give to hear what they are saying (really, what Vegan is saying) to see how uncomfortable it makes him.
But I Do Love My Husband
A woman walked up and started to load groceries on the belt when her husband appeared out of nowhere and placed some chocolate covered pretzels on the belt. The wife said, "What are those?" She knows what they are. She just wants to make her husband feel like a fat lard for wanting to buy some sweets. The husband walks away to turn on the car and this woman sounds off about her husband to me.
WOMAN: Oh my god, we come here for only a few things and he knows what we are here for, but as soon as we walk in he stops everywhere and is like, "Ooh, what is this?" Then we end up being here for an hour. I tell ya, he's good at certain things but can't focus when it comes to a task. [she laughs out of frustration] He's great when it comes to fixing stuff but he not the smartest, you know....signs are not for the illiterate.
ME: Yeah...
Observation:
Teenagers, especially girls, cross their arms a lot. Our air conditioner is broken, so I know they are not cold. Just an observation.
Village Person
Village Person will be "in the Navy" in a couple weeks. He has never told me about it but I would hear him talk about it to other girls. He would never say, "I'm joining the Navy," in a humble and honored way, but in a bragging fashion like,"Yeah, I'm gonna be in the Navy soon." I have never met any guy who has made the decision to join any branch of our military with the expectations that he would graduate from BMT with the body of Van Damme, all of a sudden having the swagger of the Dos Equis guy. He does angled pushups against the registers. It's okay, he will not be this way for long. In a few weeks a drill sergeant is going to make a bitch out of him.
Can't Turn Everyone Around
A seemingly older woman came through my line. I greeted her, she didn't greet me back. She wore sunglasses and had her hair wrapped in a bandana. I tried to ask her how she was doing and she didn't really respond, she kept her head down. She clearly wanted out of the store. I noticed she barely had eyebrows and her hair near the bandana was incredibly thin. Her skin was pale and unhealthy. This woman was battling cancer. I didn't try talking to her after that. This was not someone I was going to make smile in a matter of minutes. I wondered how she was feeling. Sad? Angry at the card she was dealt? Clearly she was in a physical and emotional pain I couldn't imagine.
The "life is short" message carried on a few hours later when a customer told me she was not having a good day. I asked why, I always ask why. She said she just found out a friend of hers found out she had breast cancer. She told me that this woman had two kids. I asked her how old this woman was. The woman was 32.
I am almost 32. That knocked the air out of my lungs. I took a moment to think about that in silence as I rang in groceries. I thought of a few people I know who are currently battling cancer who are my age. It is not uncommon, but it is so unfair. I eventually told this woman that I was sorry that this happened to her friend. I didn't know if she knew, I was sure she would be informed to be this way, but I told her to be really positive, that when someone has cancer it is important for them to have as much light and optimism around as possible. This customer thanked me for the advice and she said she will try her hardest to be that way.
I spent a long time after that thinking of how I take care of myself and how people I know take care of themselves. I pondered about the things that set diseases like this in motion: foods, inactivity, harmful exposure, genes, etc. All I can do is take care of myself and live the best life possible. I spent the rest of my shift ruminating on a truth I once heard a pastor say at a funeral:
"The one and only silver lining to experiencing a tragedy is that it brings all of us back to what is truly important in our lives."
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Day Eight
It's time for the 72 hour sale! This was pure madness. So many people came through my line that I didn't have time to talk to most of them. Two cashier contests were in effect. One was to sell French bread. Whoever sold the most would get a $30 gift card. The other contest was to sign up customers for our store's mailing list. Whoever signed up the most people would win a $50 gift card. Some people were really into it. I was when I started signing people up on the wrong day, one week ago. Not now. I think I'll act like I care whenever the manager walks by.
JV
JV was probably a junior varsity quarterback in high school. He has a "former high school athlete" vibe. When I first met him I kind of expected him to be one of those turds who say, "Dude, bro," all of the time but he surprised me. He was polite and mature. He probably loves and respects his mother. When we trained together I saw the year he was born on his application, while we were signing papers. He was born in 1992. He is practically a fetus.
We got to work next to each other today. It was fun at first, but then I noticed that whenever a customer would ask me a question, he would be quick to answer it for me. Okay...
So then I noticed whenever I was looking up a code for some obscure fruit or vegetable, he would lean over to see what I was trying to find, then he would tell me the number. Again, I will not learn a code if I don't look them up myself. Maybe he will notice my ignoring him...
Then when someone told me to page the manager, JV told me how to page, what buttons to push and what to say. I joked, saying, "Ok boss," whenever he would be bossy, but he didn't seem to understand that he was pissing me off.
What the hell was this kid's problem? How is it possible that anyone could be worse the Pedantic Joe and Elvira put together?! Disappointing. By now everyone else has left me alone and figured I knew what I was doing. Is pissing me off a rite of passage at this frickin' store? I will find a peaceful way to make him aware of how he acts. This is better than having to punch him in the larynx so that the only person he can talk to is himself.
Old Man #3
ME: How are you doing today?
OLD MAN: [old man voice, with a heavy New York accent] I'm here, that is all I can say.
ME: [after ringing up his groceries] That will be $16.14.
OLD MAN: $16.14! That's practically nothing! I should have just ran outta here!
ME: We would have never caught you.
He was on a walker.
Observation:
Women who carry Louis Vuitton purses do not give a shit about coupons. They also are not very talkative, they just want you to ring up their items so they don't have to be among commoners for too long. For the record, I hate blatant insignia as a pattern. Any woman who can afford Vuitton should just wait another paycheck (or allowance) and hold out for Prada. I did notice that women who carry Coach or Dooney & Bourke purses are more friendly and responsive. Still, they are ugly expensive purses. Just an observation.
Doin' the Don't
This lady was third in line when I first heard her scolding her toddler. The store was pretty busy at the moment. Her child was screaming and grabbing for everything he could, candy, French bread, lollipops, you name it. This mom was yelling at her kid to behave, but the boy wouldn't chill out. I decided to move faster on my current customer just to get the fussy child and yelling mother out of earshot. When the mom rolled her cart up, I saw a bottle in the child's right hand, a more than half empty 20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew. Mother of the year, folks.
Caught
Sally Spec walks up to my register and picks up a strip of receipt paper, the paper that holds all of the notes to the current day's blog entry.
SALLY: [holding my notes] Is this about the customers? Who is JV?
ME: It's not always about the customers, sometimes I make up characters.
SALLY: Oh. [hands me my notes]
Holy shit. Too close. None of the people at work know I write this blog and none of them are my Facebook friends. If a few of them saw what I have written so far they probably wouldn't dig it. Thank goodness I write on the receipt paper with people's nicknames. What I write about anyone is not my fully formed opinion of a person, but how I happen to experience him or her that day. I think everyone I work with has the capacity to be a better person no matter how much they might have pissed me off in the first eight days. I will keep my notes in my back pocket from now on.
JV
JV was probably a junior varsity quarterback in high school. He has a "former high school athlete" vibe. When I first met him I kind of expected him to be one of those turds who say, "Dude, bro," all of the time but he surprised me. He was polite and mature. He probably loves and respects his mother. When we trained together I saw the year he was born on his application, while we were signing papers. He was born in 1992. He is practically a fetus.
We got to work next to each other today. It was fun at first, but then I noticed that whenever a customer would ask me a question, he would be quick to answer it for me. Okay...
So then I noticed whenever I was looking up a code for some obscure fruit or vegetable, he would lean over to see what I was trying to find, then he would tell me the number. Again, I will not learn a code if I don't look them up myself. Maybe he will notice my ignoring him...
Then when someone told me to page the manager, JV told me how to page, what buttons to push and what to say. I joked, saying, "Ok boss," whenever he would be bossy, but he didn't seem to understand that he was pissing me off.
What the hell was this kid's problem? How is it possible that anyone could be worse the Pedantic Joe and Elvira put together?! Disappointing. By now everyone else has left me alone and figured I knew what I was doing. Is pissing me off a rite of passage at this frickin' store? I will find a peaceful way to make him aware of how he acts. This is better than having to punch him in the larynx so that the only person he can talk to is himself.
Old Man #3
ME: How are you doing today?
OLD MAN: [old man voice, with a heavy New York accent] I'm here, that is all I can say.
ME: [after ringing up his groceries] That will be $16.14.
OLD MAN: $16.14! That's practically nothing! I should have just ran outta here!
ME: We would have never caught you.
He was on a walker.
Observation:
Women who carry Louis Vuitton purses do not give a shit about coupons. They also are not very talkative, they just want you to ring up their items so they don't have to be among commoners for too long. For the record, I hate blatant insignia as a pattern. Any woman who can afford Vuitton should just wait another paycheck (or allowance) and hold out for Prada. I did notice that women who carry Coach or Dooney & Bourke purses are more friendly and responsive. Still, they are ugly expensive purses. Just an observation.
Doin' the Don't
This lady was third in line when I first heard her scolding her toddler. The store was pretty busy at the moment. Her child was screaming and grabbing for everything he could, candy, French bread, lollipops, you name it. This mom was yelling at her kid to behave, but the boy wouldn't chill out. I decided to move faster on my current customer just to get the fussy child and yelling mother out of earshot. When the mom rolled her cart up, I saw a bottle in the child's right hand, a more than half empty 20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew. Mother of the year, folks.
Caught
Sally Spec walks up to my register and picks up a strip of receipt paper, the paper that holds all of the notes to the current day's blog entry.
SALLY: [holding my notes] Is this about the customers? Who is JV?
ME: It's not always about the customers, sometimes I make up characters.
SALLY: Oh. [hands me my notes]
Holy shit. Too close. None of the people at work know I write this blog and none of them are my Facebook friends. If a few of them saw what I have written so far they probably wouldn't dig it. Thank goodness I write on the receipt paper with people's nicknames. What I write about anyone is not my fully formed opinion of a person, but how I happen to experience him or her that day. I think everyone I work with has the capacity to be a better person no matter how much they might have pissed me off in the first eight days. I will keep my notes in my back pocket from now on.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Day Seven
SANDWICH THIEF!
When I get a summer job like this, my one hope is that I will not run into anyone I know, ever. I learned on my very first day that such would not be the case. One of the cashiers was a guy I go to school with. We had taken a class together. Even before that, I knew him as "Hero." A couple years ago, I was substitute teaching for another private teacher at a local high school. When I tried to leave at the end of the day, my car barely made it out of the parking lot. The gas tank was empty. I walked back to the band hall and sheepishly asked if anyone could drive me to the gas station. Hero was a student teacher at the time and offered to help. He filled up my one gallon carton for me and put the gas in my car when we got back to the school. If he didn't help I would have been screwed because I had a gig to go to. I couldn't remember his name until I worked with him at this store.
Hero told me today that someone stole his sandwich from the fridge in the break room. Someone stole Hero's sandwich.
Let me make something clear. Hero is my favorite person at this store. My FAVORITE. He is such a good guy. He loves his wife. His wife probably made him that sandwich, with love. I was filled with rage. His stolen sandwich is MY stolen sandwich. There is only one solution. A sting-wich. I am going to plant one in the fridge. I'm thinking sliced turkey with a little tomato, lettuce, pickles, sprouts and provolone with a spicy mustard...and laxatives.
"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Rooster
I was checking and bagging this one lady's groceries when a man and his son walked up. The man was placing groceries on the belt and every once in a while the son would grab a loaf of French bread and place it on the belt as well. I noticed that this boy was mentally retarded. The dad would get frustrated and say, "No. NO. NO." Just like that, increasingly louder. This happened about 5 times. The dad was never kind or patient. I was so annoyed, so was the lady I was helping. I can't begin to understand how difficult it is to raise a child like this, but I have seen some amazing people do it, with much love and patience. I tried to say hello to the boy, but his dad said he doesn't talk. When it came time for this man to check out, he continued to have a hard time keeping his son from the French bread. Fed up with the dad's repetitive "NO," I decided to start whistling. I whistled this song:
The boy froze, listening. His dad said he loves Disney movies, and that is one of the DVDs he watches. It is hard to whistle when you are tearing up. I didn't know whistling a Disney melody would steal this boy's attention and I don't know what made me do it. The boy stood still and his gaze was fixed on the sliding doors. It was then that the dad was able to swipe his credit card. He smiled and said, "Thank you."
Gross.
A late 50-something year old man walks up while Billy Idol's "Dancin' With Myself" played on the radio. Sally Spec bagged groceries.
ME: Alright, the 80s station seems to be on.
CUSTOMER: Oh, you never lived a DAY in the 80s.
SALLY: How old are you?
ME: How old do I look?
SALLY: My age? 19?
ME: Correct.
SALLY: Yesssss. [walks off to help another customer]
ME: [to my customer] Actually I'm in my 30s.
CUSTOMER: I never would have guessed, you're a VERY attractive woman. [I can only describe the look he gave me with the word, "Ew."]
Okay. What he should have said is, "You don't look your age." Does he mean to say that 30 year old women aren't attractive? Maybe he was just being nice, but I don't think so. I was grossed out. I do not like it when old dudes say shit like that to me while looking at me like that. If I was wearing some slutty dress and asking for it that would be one thing, but I was wearing a t-shirt with jeans and I had no make-up on. Ick.
So maybe there is a bit of a double standard here. If he looked like George Clooney I would have welcomed this compliment. This guy? Not George Clooney.
Operation: Elvira
I've got it! Elvira looks like she speaks Spanish. Maybe she'll be more nice and talkative if she speaks in Spanish! I tried to figure out some phrases in my head to say to her as she was leaving work. She walked by:
ME: Esta saliendo? Tenga un buen dia! (Are you leaving? Have a nice day!)
It was then that Elvira shot me an nasty look, I averted my eyes. She walked out of the store. That is not what I imagined happening in my head. I thought we would be instant chums, speaking in spanish all of the time. No, she laser shot me a look of pure hatred. What did I say? Maybe "saliendo" means "quitting" and I just said, "Are you quitting? Have a nice day!" Maybe I put an accent in the wrong place? Did I somehow sound sarcastic? Maybe Elvira doesn't speak Spanish. This operation failed. I'm starting to think my efforts are futile.
Hanz
Hanz has come into my line before but I never noticed his muscles until today, because he was wearing a lot less. He couldn't put his arms down by his sides because he was THAT MUSCULAR. He walked up and I, well...
ME: Hi! You...look like you work out. [bursts into laughter]
HANZ: [no response]
ME: I'm sorry. Are you a trainer?
HANZ: Yes.
ME: I could tell, because you're veiny. (Oh my god shut up Miranda) Where are you a trainer?
HANZ: I'm a personal trainer at (I wasn't listening, I was staring at his left bicep).
ME: So when we get customers looking to train somewhere, we send them to you.
HANZ: Right.
Of course I would happen to be working next to Crazy Red-Head Vegan when this all went down. She bags Hanz's small amount of groceries. Before he leaves:
CRV: Do you need help carrying those out? The bags look kind of heavy.
I laughed, Crazy Vegan laughed, Hanz did not. I wonder if he gets treated like this all of the time. Does he feel objectified or does he dig it when girls act incredibly stupid around him? I will behave better the next time he shops here.
Update: Sally Spec
Sally and I are getting along. She helps me out a lot and is fun to be around. Mid-shift, she lamented to me that she was thinking of working somewhere else, that she was sick of some of the people here. She mentioned Elvia and Speedy Gonzales being negative all of the time and apparently there are rumors flying around about her personal life. I have never heard these rumors, maybe because I am new or maybe because I don't engage in gossip with these coworkers. I told her she has to have something that makes the job interesting. I told her that every time I meet someone interesting or when I hear something interesting, I pull out a strip of receipt paper and write it down, and that is what makes work interesting otherwise I would be bored to death. She told me that Crazy Red-Head Vegan, some of the older ladies and I were the only people she liked working with and that she doesn't always get to work with who she likes. I was flattered. I hope she doesn't quit because of stupid people, but she is young and probably hasn't had to deal with this kind of drama before. I think I once heard a cowboy say, "Once you have dealt with bullshit, you can handle bullshit." If I had a hat, I would tip it to that.
When I get a summer job like this, my one hope is that I will not run into anyone I know, ever. I learned on my very first day that such would not be the case. One of the cashiers was a guy I go to school with. We had taken a class together. Even before that, I knew him as "Hero." A couple years ago, I was substitute teaching for another private teacher at a local high school. When I tried to leave at the end of the day, my car barely made it out of the parking lot. The gas tank was empty. I walked back to the band hall and sheepishly asked if anyone could drive me to the gas station. Hero was a student teacher at the time and offered to help. He filled up my one gallon carton for me and put the gas in my car when we got back to the school. If he didn't help I would have been screwed because I had a gig to go to. I couldn't remember his name until I worked with him at this store.
Hero told me today that someone stole his sandwich from the fridge in the break room. Someone stole Hero's sandwich.
Let me make something clear. Hero is my favorite person at this store. My FAVORITE. He is such a good guy. He loves his wife. His wife probably made him that sandwich, with love. I was filled with rage. His stolen sandwich is MY stolen sandwich. There is only one solution. A sting-wich. I am going to plant one in the fridge. I'm thinking sliced turkey with a little tomato, lettuce, pickles, sprouts and provolone with a spicy mustard...and laxatives.
"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Rooster
I was checking and bagging this one lady's groceries when a man and his son walked up. The man was placing groceries on the belt and every once in a while the son would grab a loaf of French bread and place it on the belt as well. I noticed that this boy was mentally retarded. The dad would get frustrated and say, "No. NO. NO." Just like that, increasingly louder. This happened about 5 times. The dad was never kind or patient. I was so annoyed, so was the lady I was helping. I can't begin to understand how difficult it is to raise a child like this, but I have seen some amazing people do it, with much love and patience. I tried to say hello to the boy, but his dad said he doesn't talk. When it came time for this man to check out, he continued to have a hard time keeping his son from the French bread. Fed up with the dad's repetitive "NO," I decided to start whistling. I whistled this song:
The boy froze, listening. His dad said he loves Disney movies, and that is one of the DVDs he watches. It is hard to whistle when you are tearing up. I didn't know whistling a Disney melody would steal this boy's attention and I don't know what made me do it. The boy stood still and his gaze was fixed on the sliding doors. It was then that the dad was able to swipe his credit card. He smiled and said, "Thank you."
Gross.
A late 50-something year old man walks up while Billy Idol's "Dancin' With Myself" played on the radio. Sally Spec bagged groceries.
ME: Alright, the 80s station seems to be on.
CUSTOMER: Oh, you never lived a DAY in the 80s.
SALLY: How old are you?
ME: How old do I look?
SALLY: My age? 19?
ME: Correct.
SALLY: Yesssss. [walks off to help another customer]
ME: [to my customer] Actually I'm in my 30s.
CUSTOMER: I never would have guessed, you're a VERY attractive woman. [I can only describe the look he gave me with the word, "Ew."]
Okay. What he should have said is, "You don't look your age." Does he mean to say that 30 year old women aren't attractive? Maybe he was just being nice, but I don't think so. I was grossed out. I do not like it when old dudes say shit like that to me while looking at me like that. If I was wearing some slutty dress and asking for it that would be one thing, but I was wearing a t-shirt with jeans and I had no make-up on. Ick.
So maybe there is a bit of a double standard here. If he looked like George Clooney I would have welcomed this compliment. This guy? Not George Clooney.
Operation: Elvira
I've got it! Elvira looks like she speaks Spanish. Maybe she'll be more nice and talkative if she speaks in Spanish! I tried to figure out some phrases in my head to say to her as she was leaving work. She walked by:
ME: Esta saliendo? Tenga un buen dia! (Are you leaving? Have a nice day!)
It was then that Elvira shot me an nasty look, I averted my eyes. She walked out of the store. That is not what I imagined happening in my head. I thought we would be instant chums, speaking in spanish all of the time. No, she laser shot me a look of pure hatred. What did I say? Maybe "saliendo" means "quitting" and I just said, "Are you quitting? Have a nice day!" Maybe I put an accent in the wrong place? Did I somehow sound sarcastic? Maybe Elvira doesn't speak Spanish. This operation failed. I'm starting to think my efforts are futile.
Hanz
Hanz has come into my line before but I never noticed his muscles until today, because he was wearing a lot less. He couldn't put his arms down by his sides because he was THAT MUSCULAR. He walked up and I, well...
ME: Hi! You...look like you work out. [bursts into laughter]
HANZ: [no response]
ME: I'm sorry. Are you a trainer?
HANZ: Yes.
ME: I could tell, because you're veiny. (Oh my god shut up Miranda) Where are you a trainer?
HANZ: I'm a personal trainer at (I wasn't listening, I was staring at his left bicep).
ME: So when we get customers looking to train somewhere, we send them to you.
HANZ: Right.
Of course I would happen to be working next to Crazy Red-Head Vegan when this all went down. She bags Hanz's small amount of groceries. Before he leaves:
CRV: Do you need help carrying those out? The bags look kind of heavy.
I laughed, Crazy Vegan laughed, Hanz did not. I wonder if he gets treated like this all of the time. Does he feel objectified or does he dig it when girls act incredibly stupid around him? I will behave better the next time he shops here.
Update: Sally Spec
Sally and I are getting along. She helps me out a lot and is fun to be around. Mid-shift, she lamented to me that she was thinking of working somewhere else, that she was sick of some of the people here. She mentioned Elvia and Speedy Gonzales being negative all of the time and apparently there are rumors flying around about her personal life. I have never heard these rumors, maybe because I am new or maybe because I don't engage in gossip with these coworkers. I told her she has to have something that makes the job interesting. I told her that every time I meet someone interesting or when I hear something interesting, I pull out a strip of receipt paper and write it down, and that is what makes work interesting otherwise I would be bored to death. She told me that Crazy Red-Head Vegan, some of the older ladies and I were the only people she liked working with and that she doesn't always get to work with who she likes. I was flattered. I hope she doesn't quit because of stupid people, but she is young and probably hasn't had to deal with this kind of drama before. I think I once heard a cowboy say, "Once you have dealt with bullshit, you can handle bullshit." If I had a hat, I would tip it to that.
Day Six
Update: Elvira
I had to work next to Elvira at the start of my shift. I asked her how she was doing when I walked into work. Her response was barely audible, the best written transcription I can come up with of the sound she made is "Urhh." She still refuses to look me in the eye or even face in my direction. I refused to give up on her. She had a customer bring in a ton of groceries so I thought I could maybe talk to her by helping her bag groceries.
ME: I can bag for you if you like.
ELVIRA: (hold your nose if you want to get her voice right) That's okay.
"That's okay," is Elvira for, "No, now go the fuck away." Elvira's shift ended one hour into my shift, thank baby Jesus. I'm not done with this one. There's a decent person in there, somewhere.
Observation:
Men never give exact change. I noticed this while I work. Women will dig out every penny if they have to. I know I like to give exact change when I can, because if I don't that change will end up at the bottom of the hopeless abyss that is my purse, and I will probably forget that change until I buy a new purse. I know many guys who empty their pockets at the end of the day and toss the remaining coins in a jar, months later to accumulate a retirement. Just an observation.
Asian Lady
Every now and then I get a customer who doesn't speak English. Silence is very uncomfortable for me, especially when it is my job to be helpful/social. This one Asian lady came up to me today and didn't respond to my greetings. After too long a period of silence, I decided to ask her how long she had been living in the US. She said she had been living here for 10 years. I asked if she had always been living in Texas, also 10 years. I noticed that these are the kinds of questions foreigners respond to, questions about them. When I rang up food items I liked I would share that with this woman, then she would tell me how she liked that food item too. I admired her, as I would admire anyone who would drop everything to set up camp in another country. I can't imagine living in another country trying to speak another language while English versions of my responses marquee across my mind. Also, I wish I had a better title for this paragraph.
Update: Crazy Red-Head Vegan
Crazy Red-Head Vegan replaced Elvira and I was ecstatic. I knew she would say something interesting, like:
CRV: Oh my god, have you tried one of these protein shakes? If you do, try the chocolate one. The vanilla one tastes like semen. It even has the consistency. Blech.
Later in the day, one of CRV's customers threw a bunch of organic lollipops in his bag and walked out. She yelled at him as he left, "SIR YOU CAN'T TAKE THOSE. STOP HIM!!!" One of the grocery baggers ran after him and retrieved the pops. It was the most exciting moment of the day. I felt like I was on Cops, the theme even began to play in my head. The man said he thought they were free because of how they were in front of the registers (even though there are signs that say 6 for $1 in front of the lollipops). Yeah whatever, punk. Book 'em.
Toward the end of our shift I heard CRV walk around toward my customer.
CRV: [to the customer] Yay! I thought I missed you, one of my favorite customers! [begins to bag his groceries] I haven't seen my other favorite customer, she always talks really loud.
ME: And nothing she says makes sense?
[CRV nods]
ME: Oh MAN, she (Crazy Buffalo Lady) said the craziest stuff to me the other day!
After I explained to her what this crazy lady said, CRV slapped my hand.
CRV: Hey, go easy on her! She was in a really bad car accident and suffered brain damage. She really does have a sister with cancer, it's really sad.
I felt like an ass. I really was quick to make fun of that lady, I never stopped to think why she might be that way. I should be more compassionate. My introversion stopped abruptly at CRV's next comment.
CRV: Actually I have another favorite customer, but I haven't seen him around [she laughs]. He's probably in jail.
ME: What would he be in jail for?
CRV: Oh, I don't want to tell you, you'll think poorly of him.
ME: Oh, c'mon.
She proceeds to tell me about how this guy she claims to be her "B.F.F." had to move out of California because he was at the scene of a crime where a girl was murdered. Apparently he gives too much detail and he was talking about it openly to her while checking out groceries. After he left, the next customer said, "Um, I think he was the guy who killed that girl." She agreed. After telling me this story, I responded:
ME: Oh. My. God.
CRV: See this is why I didn't want to tell you. Now you're bein' all judgmental. That's what I'm gonna call you from now on, "Judgmental Miranda."
I guess criminals need food too. I wondered how many felons I have checked out in my line. Was I the only one who was nice to them that day? Have these criminals ever thought of okaynevermindIdon'twanttothinkaboutthisanymore!
The rest of the shift with Crazy Red-Head Vegan was a blast. We sang songs, talked diet and laughed a lot together in general. Sometimes Sally spec would join us to bag groceries, it turns out she is pretty crazy herself. Positivity can make a positive impact on an environment and negativity can make a negative impact. The same could be said about the impact of "lunacy." Of that, we were the trifecta.
I had to work next to Elvira at the start of my shift. I asked her how she was doing when I walked into work. Her response was barely audible, the best written transcription I can come up with of the sound she made is "Urhh." She still refuses to look me in the eye or even face in my direction. I refused to give up on her. She had a customer bring in a ton of groceries so I thought I could maybe talk to her by helping her bag groceries.
ME: I can bag for you if you like.
ELVIRA: (hold your nose if you want to get her voice right) That's okay.
"That's okay," is Elvira for, "No, now go the fuck away." Elvira's shift ended one hour into my shift, thank baby Jesus. I'm not done with this one. There's a decent person in there, somewhere.
Observation:
Men never give exact change. I noticed this while I work. Women will dig out every penny if they have to. I know I like to give exact change when I can, because if I don't that change will end up at the bottom of the hopeless abyss that is my purse, and I will probably forget that change until I buy a new purse. I know many guys who empty their pockets at the end of the day and toss the remaining coins in a jar, months later to accumulate a retirement. Just an observation.
Asian Lady
Every now and then I get a customer who doesn't speak English. Silence is very uncomfortable for me, especially when it is my job to be helpful/social. This one Asian lady came up to me today and didn't respond to my greetings. After too long a period of silence, I decided to ask her how long she had been living in the US. She said she had been living here for 10 years. I asked if she had always been living in Texas, also 10 years. I noticed that these are the kinds of questions foreigners respond to, questions about them. When I rang up food items I liked I would share that with this woman, then she would tell me how she liked that food item too. I admired her, as I would admire anyone who would drop everything to set up camp in another country. I can't imagine living in another country trying to speak another language while English versions of my responses marquee across my mind. Also, I wish I had a better title for this paragraph.
Update: Crazy Red-Head Vegan
Crazy Red-Head Vegan replaced Elvira and I was ecstatic. I knew she would say something interesting, like:
CRV: Oh my god, have you tried one of these protein shakes? If you do, try the chocolate one. The vanilla one tastes like semen. It even has the consistency. Blech.
Later in the day, one of CRV's customers threw a bunch of organic lollipops in his bag and walked out. She yelled at him as he left, "SIR YOU CAN'T TAKE THOSE. STOP HIM!!!" One of the grocery baggers ran after him and retrieved the pops. It was the most exciting moment of the day. I felt like I was on Cops, the theme even began to play in my head. The man said he thought they were free because of how they were in front of the registers (even though there are signs that say 6 for $1 in front of the lollipops). Yeah whatever, punk. Book 'em.
Toward the end of our shift I heard CRV walk around toward my customer.
CRV: [to the customer] Yay! I thought I missed you, one of my favorite customers! [begins to bag his groceries] I haven't seen my other favorite customer, she always talks really loud.
ME: And nothing she says makes sense?
[CRV nods]
ME: Oh MAN, she (Crazy Buffalo Lady) said the craziest stuff to me the other day!
After I explained to her what this crazy lady said, CRV slapped my hand.
CRV: Hey, go easy on her! She was in a really bad car accident and suffered brain damage. She really does have a sister with cancer, it's really sad.
I felt like an ass. I really was quick to make fun of that lady, I never stopped to think why she might be that way. I should be more compassionate. My introversion stopped abruptly at CRV's next comment.
CRV: Actually I have another favorite customer, but I haven't seen him around [she laughs]. He's probably in jail.
ME: What would he be in jail for?
CRV: Oh, I don't want to tell you, you'll think poorly of him.
ME: Oh, c'mon.
She proceeds to tell me about how this guy she claims to be her "B.F.F." had to move out of California because he was at the scene of a crime where a girl was murdered. Apparently he gives too much detail and he was talking about it openly to her while checking out groceries. After he left, the next customer said, "Um, I think he was the guy who killed that girl." She agreed. After telling me this story, I responded:
ME: Oh. My. God.
CRV: See this is why I didn't want to tell you. Now you're bein' all judgmental. That's what I'm gonna call you from now on, "Judgmental Miranda."
I guess criminals need food too. I wondered how many felons I have checked out in my line. Was I the only one who was nice to them that day? Have these criminals ever thought of okaynevermindIdon'twanttothinkaboutthisanymore!
The rest of the shift with Crazy Red-Head Vegan was a blast. We sang songs, talked diet and laughed a lot together in general. Sometimes Sally spec would join us to bag groceries, it turns out she is pretty crazy herself. Positivity can make a positive impact on an environment and negativity can make a negative impact. The same could be said about the impact of "lunacy." Of that, we were the trifecta.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Day Five
What can I say about this morning, except that I was in extremely rare form. My brain was left at Hailey's, where one of my favorite bands had played the previous night, a land flowing with beer and whiskey. My voice was hoarse from singing the lyrics to the songs I knew with all of the other fans around me.
The following morning at work, I found that I was so slow, made tons of mistakes and said a lot of stupid things. Some highlights:
ME: [greeting two customers] Hi ladies! How are we today?
CUSTOMER #1: I'm fine.
(no response from the second lady, because the second lady was a guy-must leave eye glasses on)
ME: [greeting a couple] Hi! How are you guys?
CUSTOMERS: Great, thanks!
ME: [looks at woman's belly] How far along are you?
LADY: I'm not pregnant.
ME: [after scanning all groceries for a couple] Who is the "muscles" in this operation?
MAN: I am. I'm the manly man.
ME: [I handed him the heavy bags then held up his wine coolers] Would you like me to leave your girly drinks out or put them in a bag?
ME: [to customer] Would you like me to put your French bread in a bag?
CUSTOMER: No, that is okay.
ME: Good, because we don't have any bags big enough for the French bread.
ME: [to a customer, standing by her perpetually frowning daughter] Here is your receipt ma'am, and YOU [pointing to the girl and yelling] CHEER UP!!
GIRL: [Laughs (thank goodness)]
O.C.Daisy
Daisy was the one who told me I had to tie up my hair because a coworker complained. She is the one who ratted out Sally Spec. My hair was down when I walked into work, she reminded me again that it had to go up. She stood by me today and I noticed that she dispenses hand sanitizer after every customer. It was then that I noticed everything on her register has to be in a particular place or she loses her shit. As a test I will do little things when she is away, like tilt her code key 15 degrees, move her pen and move the paper bags an inch to the left. She comes back and sets everything straight. I find it interesting that she has O.C.D. and has a few teeth missing. Maybe it wasn't from poor dental hygiene, maybe she got in a fight. Maybe she lost those teeth from calcium depletion during pregnancy. She is a very nice and pleasant person and I like talking to her, she tells me about her kids all of the time, but seeing her makes me want to floss my teeth right on the spot.
Update: Sally Spec
Sally happened to be working at the register across from me, on the other side of O.C.Daisy. Her hair was down. I was not happy about it, but I figured someone would tell her to put her hair up. I didn't say a word to her. As I checked out customers I noticed there would be a lot of noise (someone paging overhead) about our French bread. This was the first of 10 announcements about it within the hour. Sally leaned over into my line of sight.
SALLY: Hey Miranda? Are we selling French bread? [she continued to check out a customer]
A joke? Did Sally just make a joke? I stood there for a second trying to figure out if somehow that was a criticism toward my work ethic. No, she actually made a joke. Is Sally being cool? Is it because she is a hypocrite today, leaving her hair down? I was so confused and still hung over. If this was her attempt to chill out and converse with me like a normal human being, good for her. I'll be nice.
Hawkeye
A man who looked like the stapler guy from "Office Space" came into my line with produce wearing a members only jacket. I accidentally rang up his bananas as organic, which would have cost him 60 cents more. I didn't catch this, but he sure did.
STAPLER GUY: You RANG those bananas up as ORGANIC. [yelling further] YOU RANG THEM UP AS ORGANIC!!!
ME: I'm so sorry, let fix that.
STAPLER GUY: THOSE ARE NOT ORGANIC!!!
Anything that anyone said that morning sounded like yelling already. His yelling was so loud it made my eyes cross. From that point on he stood in a lunge and stared at the screen as I rang up the rest of his groceries, his face one foot from the screen as if I might try to get away with overcharging him again. Come and get him, ladies.
Banshee
Banshee, one of our head cashiers, doesn't necessarily scream at any of us, but everything she says is in a command. Part drill sergeant, part cheerleader with an unfortunate voice. She was standing nearby when I paged her, slowly as usual. I knew I could have called her name out from my register but I thought it would be funny to call her from the speakers. She did not think it was funny. If any of us stand idle for more than 5 seconds, she bickers at us and makes us load up on bags even though there is no where to put them. The managers ask us to drop large amounts of cash in our vault to lower the possibility of theft, but Banshee will get pissed if you do it in the remaining hour of the day. Every time she comes over to my register for anything, I imagine I am being approached by the screaming banshee from Hallmark cards:
I wondered what her problem was. Today, Banshee's mother brought in Banshee's 5 month old baby. All of a sudden, we all saw the softer side to the screaming Banshee, the cooing soft voiced young mother. Pedantic Joe was the most in disbelief, as she bickers at him more than any of us (not a shock).
Later that day, while Banshee was on break I heard other people talking shit about her. Apparently she habitually doesn't let people on breaks on time and the managers aren't happy with her demeanor. I had never heard anyone talk badly about anyone else behind his or her back up to this point. It must mean she needs to lighten up.
Slow Motion
A customer of mine forgot one item in the store and she wasn't sure if she should go and get it since there were four people behind her in line. I told her to go ahead while I rang in the rest of her groceries. She really felt bad but went anyway. To entertain her child sitting in the grocery cart I would ring in items in slow motion. The little boy thought it was funny and we began to talk to each other in slow motion like Dory talks to the whales in "Finding Nemo." By the time the mom returned I was slow motion ringing in her last item. Her kid and I had a good time, however, I managed to piss off everyone else in line and they moved to other lines. Oh well. Next?
The following morning at work, I found that I was so slow, made tons of mistakes and said a lot of stupid things. Some highlights:
ME: [greeting two customers] Hi ladies! How are we today?
CUSTOMER #1: I'm fine.
(no response from the second lady, because the second lady was a guy-must leave eye glasses on)
ME: [greeting a couple] Hi! How are you guys?
CUSTOMERS: Great, thanks!
ME: [looks at woman's belly] How far along are you?
LADY: I'm not pregnant.
ME: [after scanning all groceries for a couple] Who is the "muscles" in this operation?
MAN: I am. I'm the manly man.
ME: [I handed him the heavy bags then held up his wine coolers] Would you like me to leave your girly drinks out or put them in a bag?
ME: [to customer] Would you like me to put your French bread in a bag?
CUSTOMER: No, that is okay.
ME: Good, because we don't have any bags big enough for the French bread.
ME: [to a customer, standing by her perpetually frowning daughter] Here is your receipt ma'am, and YOU [pointing to the girl and yelling] CHEER UP!!
GIRL: [Laughs (thank goodness)]
O.C.Daisy
Daisy was the one who told me I had to tie up my hair because a coworker complained. She is the one who ratted out Sally Spec. My hair was down when I walked into work, she reminded me again that it had to go up. She stood by me today and I noticed that she dispenses hand sanitizer after every customer. It was then that I noticed everything on her register has to be in a particular place or she loses her shit. As a test I will do little things when she is away, like tilt her code key 15 degrees, move her pen and move the paper bags an inch to the left. She comes back and sets everything straight. I find it interesting that she has O.C.D. and has a few teeth missing. Maybe it wasn't from poor dental hygiene, maybe she got in a fight. Maybe she lost those teeth from calcium depletion during pregnancy. She is a very nice and pleasant person and I like talking to her, she tells me about her kids all of the time, but seeing her makes me want to floss my teeth right on the spot.
Update: Sally Spec
Sally happened to be working at the register across from me, on the other side of O.C.Daisy. Her hair was down. I was not happy about it, but I figured someone would tell her to put her hair up. I didn't say a word to her. As I checked out customers I noticed there would be a lot of noise (someone paging overhead) about our French bread. This was the first of 10 announcements about it within the hour. Sally leaned over into my line of sight.
SALLY: Hey Miranda? Are we selling French bread? [she continued to check out a customer]
A joke? Did Sally just make a joke? I stood there for a second trying to figure out if somehow that was a criticism toward my work ethic. No, she actually made a joke. Is Sally being cool? Is it because she is a hypocrite today, leaving her hair down? I was so confused and still hung over. If this was her attempt to chill out and converse with me like a normal human being, good for her. I'll be nice.
Hawkeye
A man who looked like the stapler guy from "Office Space" came into my line with produce wearing a members only jacket. I accidentally rang up his bananas as organic, which would have cost him 60 cents more. I didn't catch this, but he sure did.
STAPLER GUY: You RANG those bananas up as ORGANIC. [yelling further] YOU RANG THEM UP AS ORGANIC!!!
ME: I'm so sorry, let fix that.
STAPLER GUY: THOSE ARE NOT ORGANIC!!!
Anything that anyone said that morning sounded like yelling already. His yelling was so loud it made my eyes cross. From that point on he stood in a lunge and stared at the screen as I rang up the rest of his groceries, his face one foot from the screen as if I might try to get away with overcharging him again. Come and get him, ladies.
Banshee
Banshee, one of our head cashiers, doesn't necessarily scream at any of us, but everything she says is in a command. Part drill sergeant, part cheerleader with an unfortunate voice. She was standing nearby when I paged her, slowly as usual. I knew I could have called her name out from my register but I thought it would be funny to call her from the speakers. She did not think it was funny. If any of us stand idle for more than 5 seconds, she bickers at us and makes us load up on bags even though there is no where to put them. The managers ask us to drop large amounts of cash in our vault to lower the possibility of theft, but Banshee will get pissed if you do it in the remaining hour of the day. Every time she comes over to my register for anything, I imagine I am being approached by the screaming banshee from Hallmark cards:
I wondered what her problem was. Today, Banshee's mother brought in Banshee's 5 month old baby. All of a sudden, we all saw the softer side to the screaming Banshee, the cooing soft voiced young mother. Pedantic Joe was the most in disbelief, as she bickers at him more than any of us (not a shock).
Later that day, while Banshee was on break I heard other people talking shit about her. Apparently she habitually doesn't let people on breaks on time and the managers aren't happy with her demeanor. I had never heard anyone talk badly about anyone else behind his or her back up to this point. It must mean she needs to lighten up.
Slow Motion
A customer of mine forgot one item in the store and she wasn't sure if she should go and get it since there were four people behind her in line. I told her to go ahead while I rang in the rest of her groceries. She really felt bad but went anyway. To entertain her child sitting in the grocery cart I would ring in items in slow motion. The little boy thought it was funny and we began to talk to each other in slow motion like Dory talks to the whales in "Finding Nemo." By the time the mom returned I was slow motion ringing in her last item. Her kid and I had a good time, however, I managed to piss off everyone else in line and they moved to other lines. Oh well. Next?
Day Four
Speedy Gonzales
I met Speedy on the first day of work. I noticed she liked to check out groceries very incredibly fast. Good for her. I'm not going to do that shit. She must always be doing something at all times. She prides herself on being "better" (meaning: faster) than everyone else at this job. She wasn't very talkative or minutely sociable so I moved to another cashier. Today, she was in the register behind me. No small talk. Not mean, but not nice either. No fun. She has the pride of Pedantic Joe, but lacks the kindness. She has the one word replies of Copy Cat, but not because she is shy (or socially awkward) but because she doesn't want to talk to you. On a scale of bearable to unbearable people I don't prefer to work near, she leans toward unbearable. I wonder if this is an initial period of "player hatin'" for new employees. I have a feeling Speedy will turn around. Being this negative has to be too tiring for her to keep it up.
Old Man #2
ME: Hi! How are you doing today?
OLD MAN: I am fantastic!
ME: Wow, it's so refreshing to see a really happy person.
OLD MAN: Darling, at my age? I'm just thrilled to be alive!
He winked, and smiled the sweetest smile I had ever seen. Everyone should be just as thrilled to be alive, everyday.
Cashier Contest
Holy shit. Cashier contest. I love these. The co-op I worked for in Indiana had a cashier contest to raise the money for the Hoosier Hills food bank. I raised the most, something like $1200 by myself and won a gift basket with a gift card to the co-op. The prize, at this current store I work for, is a $50 gift card to the person who has the highest percentage of customers sign up for our mailing list on Friday through Sunday. I went in with guns blazing. I got around 90-95% of my customers to sign up the first day. Upon turning in all of my mailing list slips, my front end manager was ultra impressed.
MANAGER: Holy crap, you got this many customers to sign up?
ME: Yep! I want that gift card. Free wine and beer.
MANAGER: Well keep this up and you'll win that contest next weekend, for sure!
ME: Um...........................................................................it didn't start today?
MANAGER: Next weekend.
I officially don't give a crap about this contest.
Cute Guy, Maybe
I think I read something at some point from a Sociology book about how our attractions toward others are shifted and altered by proximity, exposure and environment. So, maybe I only found this guy attractive because he is the only good looking one working in the store, not because he is Don Draper. It could have also been because he was five registers away and I couldn't see him clearly, a "buen lejos" (good from far away), as a friend used to call guys who are cuter from the other side of the room. I decided to say hi, with the intent to maybe flirt if I discovered he wasn't a weirdo. As I greeted him, he began to check out a customer's groceries and I helped bag. After the customer left I asked about how busy the store had been so far and how new was he to the job. He replied, animatedly, but with his back facing me. Was he actually responding to me or was he having a conversation with an invisible person? Should I leave them alone? Hmm. I later found out he is the son or grandson of the president of the company. He doesn't really converse with anyone, I learned. The dichotomy among the cashiers, as far as how kind people are, was becoming more clear with each new person I met. It is disappointing to find that there are people who are not cool or fun to be around. Thankfully, there are more pleasant people than there are unpleasant.
Freckles
ME: [to a young girl standing in line waiting for her parents to load groceries on the belt, I smiled] Hi there! I think you have the cutest freckles!
LITTLE GIRL: [instantly frowns, followed by a dirty look]
MY INNER MONOLOGUE: Ummm, shit. Say something else!!!!
ME: Are you enjoying your vacation?
LITTLE GIRL: [smiles (thank goodness)] Yes!
ME: What grade are you in?
LITTLE GIRL: Goin' into second gwade.
ME: Cool! What is your favorite subject?
LITTLE GIRL: Eatin'!
Then we laughed. Whew...
I have never understood how anyone could not like their freckles. I think they are unique and beautiful and super adorable on kids. Later in the day another customer came in whose daughter was as freckled as the last kid. I made the same compliment. The little girl thanked me. So did the mom, as she had the same freckles her daughter had. I told her about the previously mentioned kid and the mom responded with an "Aww..." I found out that when the daughter asked her mom about her freckles, the mom told her they are the stars in the sky that have fallen to rest on her shoulders. That is a sweet mom.
Update: Cake Eyes
I was yet to look Cake Eyes in the shadow. She still had not said hello or smiled at me, but I haven't exactly made any efforts to be nice to her. She smiles at others and many of the customers love her, so I knew there is a cool lady in there somewhere. Surely she couldn't strongly dislike me for showing up late once. I went to pick up baskets and put them away and when I crossed paths with Cake Eyes I smiled and said hi. She smiled too and responded with a hello! Wow, a little bit of tension released.
Doin' Good in Texas
"How are you doing?" is the first question I ask all of my customers, but rather than responding with, "I'm doing well," or "I'm alright," the majority of people here respond with, "Doin' good." Often it is said twice, "Doin' good. Doin' good." You may laugh, but sometimes the longer you hear a certain colloquial phrase, no matter how poor the grammar, you begin to speak that way as well. I found myself answering the same question from my customers with a "Doin' good." At first I wanted to slap myself in the face immediately after I say it, but I have gotten over it. When in Rome...
I met Speedy on the first day of work. I noticed she liked to check out groceries very incredibly fast. Good for her. I'm not going to do that shit. She must always be doing something at all times. She prides herself on being "better" (meaning: faster) than everyone else at this job. She wasn't very talkative or minutely sociable so I moved to another cashier. Today, she was in the register behind me. No small talk. Not mean, but not nice either. No fun. She has the pride of Pedantic Joe, but lacks the kindness. She has the one word replies of Copy Cat, but not because she is shy (or socially awkward) but because she doesn't want to talk to you. On a scale of bearable to unbearable people I don't prefer to work near, she leans toward unbearable. I wonder if this is an initial period of "player hatin'" for new employees. I have a feeling Speedy will turn around. Being this negative has to be too tiring for her to keep it up.
Old Man #2
ME: Hi! How are you doing today?
OLD MAN: I am fantastic!
ME: Wow, it's so refreshing to see a really happy person.
OLD MAN: Darling, at my age? I'm just thrilled to be alive!
He winked, and smiled the sweetest smile I had ever seen. Everyone should be just as thrilled to be alive, everyday.
Cashier Contest
Holy shit. Cashier contest. I love these. The co-op I worked for in Indiana had a cashier contest to raise the money for the Hoosier Hills food bank. I raised the most, something like $1200 by myself and won a gift basket with a gift card to the co-op. The prize, at this current store I work for, is a $50 gift card to the person who has the highest percentage of customers sign up for our mailing list on Friday through Sunday. I went in with guns blazing. I got around 90-95% of my customers to sign up the first day. Upon turning in all of my mailing list slips, my front end manager was ultra impressed.
MANAGER: Holy crap, you got this many customers to sign up?
ME: Yep! I want that gift card. Free wine and beer.
MANAGER: Well keep this up and you'll win that contest next weekend, for sure!
ME: Um...........................................................................it didn't start today?
MANAGER: Next weekend.
I officially don't give a crap about this contest.
Cute Guy, Maybe
I think I read something at some point from a Sociology book about how our attractions toward others are shifted and altered by proximity, exposure and environment. So, maybe I only found this guy attractive because he is the only good looking one working in the store, not because he is Don Draper. It could have also been because he was five registers away and I couldn't see him clearly, a "buen lejos" (good from far away), as a friend used to call guys who are cuter from the other side of the room. I decided to say hi, with the intent to maybe flirt if I discovered he wasn't a weirdo. As I greeted him, he began to check out a customer's groceries and I helped bag. After the customer left I asked about how busy the store had been so far and how new was he to the job. He replied, animatedly, but with his back facing me. Was he actually responding to me or was he having a conversation with an invisible person? Should I leave them alone? Hmm. I later found out he is the son or grandson of the president of the company. He doesn't really converse with anyone, I learned. The dichotomy among the cashiers, as far as how kind people are, was becoming more clear with each new person I met. It is disappointing to find that there are people who are not cool or fun to be around. Thankfully, there are more pleasant people than there are unpleasant.
Freckles
ME: [to a young girl standing in line waiting for her parents to load groceries on the belt, I smiled] Hi there! I think you have the cutest freckles!
LITTLE GIRL: [instantly frowns, followed by a dirty look]
MY INNER MONOLOGUE: Ummm, shit. Say something else!!!!
ME: Are you enjoying your vacation?
LITTLE GIRL: [smiles (thank goodness)] Yes!
ME: What grade are you in?
LITTLE GIRL: Goin' into second gwade.
ME: Cool! What is your favorite subject?
LITTLE GIRL: Eatin'!
Then we laughed. Whew...
I have never understood how anyone could not like their freckles. I think they are unique and beautiful and super adorable on kids. Later in the day another customer came in whose daughter was as freckled as the last kid. I made the same compliment. The little girl thanked me. So did the mom, as she had the same freckles her daughter had. I told her about the previously mentioned kid and the mom responded with an "Aww..." I found out that when the daughter asked her mom about her freckles, the mom told her they are the stars in the sky that have fallen to rest on her shoulders. That is a sweet mom.
Update: Cake Eyes
I was yet to look Cake Eyes in the shadow. She still had not said hello or smiled at me, but I haven't exactly made any efforts to be nice to her. She smiles at others and many of the customers love her, so I knew there is a cool lady in there somewhere. Surely she couldn't strongly dislike me for showing up late once. I went to pick up baskets and put them away and when I crossed paths with Cake Eyes I smiled and said hi. She smiled too and responded with a hello! Wow, a little bit of tension released.
Doin' Good in Texas
"How are you doing?" is the first question I ask all of my customers, but rather than responding with, "I'm doing well," or "I'm alright," the majority of people here respond with, "Doin' good." Often it is said twice, "Doin' good. Doin' good." You may laugh, but sometimes the longer you hear a certain colloquial phrase, no matter how poor the grammar, you begin to speak that way as well. I found myself answering the same question from my customers with a "Doin' good." At first I wanted to slap myself in the face immediately after I say it, but I have gotten over it. When in Rome...
Monday, June 11, 2012
Day Three
It rained this morning and I left my house early. I didn't want to be late after the 24-day-early verbal warnings I received from non-managers the last time I worked. So of course, there would be a three car collision that blocked the only way I knew to get to the store. I got there three minutes late, but thankfully many people were late for the same reason.
I got to my register and looked to my left. It happened to be that I liked every single person I was working with that day. I immediately thought, "What the hell am I supposed to write on my blog for today?"
Calm After the Storm
This shift went by incredibly slowly due to two variables. Thursdays are the slowest days at this store because Wednesdays are the biggest days due to new sales. The store is flooded and barely anyone shows up on Thursday. There's also the fact that I was on register 8, the register no one goes to because it is on the far end. Then I thought, "Surely, I'll have one interesting, bitchy or crazy customer." Wrong.
Every single customer, and I mean EVERY single one that came through my line, was kind, happy and sweet. What if every day was like this? I would have to quit writing this blog. I also thought that this lack of noteworthy customers and employees was too a "calm" of sorts. The first two days was a goldmine of characters, I had to pick the best of many on both days. It makes sense that I would have this easy going day of kind people. It means tomorrow promises to be good.
Comic Con
MALE CUSTOMER: Your raspberries look like they traveled through Middle Earth and back.
ME: So...they're bad?
This was probably the strangest thing I heard anyone say all day. So many things could have been said in response. Did he think our raspberries looked like Gollum? Maybe he thought they looked like they had been chewed on by an army of orcs, or stabbed by the groaning, cloaked, former kings who rode those winged monster bird things. My knowledge of the Lord of the Rings trilogy doesn't stretch far past the few times I have seen the movies. I could never score a real geek.
Kids
The best entertainment all day came from kids. A group of siblings came up to my register and were in awe of the conveyor belt. Upon touching it they would exclaim, "WHOA." They pressed their hands to the moving belt as it went forward and each person closest to the sensor would immediately run to the end so that the belt could keep going. This sort of thing always entertains everyone but the mother of the children.
Another pair of kids were wandering around the front end of the store while their dad was checking out. They ran from display to display touching every piece of merchandise they could. They stopped at the sunglasses and tried some on. Instant superstars. These kids broke into poses and I think I heard them mention acting like "Mission Impossible." I forgot how quickly a kid's world changes when they are in costume. I tried to remember my own imagination when it was as vivid and wild as it was when I was a child.
The award for "Most Hilarious Kid" came from a little girl who was really cold in the store. Her mother was checking out her groceries with her 2 year old, who was in the cart. While the mom wasn't paying attention, this girl walked over to a heated display in the deli where hot rotisserie chicken and hot French bread was kept. This girl stood by the heat until her mom called her. It was then that the little girl grabbed a bag of French bread, opened it up and inserted her whole arm into the bag and let out a huge sigh of relief. Warmth at last! Her mom was not happy at all, she yanked her daughter back to the cart and paid for the French bread she said she had to buy now that her daughter put her arm all over it. I think she tried to scold the girl, but I think I made it difficult for her to do that since I was DYING of laughter.
That's it. One Thursday afternoon/evening shift with a dream team of coworkers, wonderful customers and silly kids. Smiles all day long and plenty of positive attitudes going around, the kind of working environment most businesses hope for but are only seen in the training videos (and those people are only smiling because they are getting paid to do it). It was boring and slow but also nice. This doesn't happen everyday and I'm glad it happened once.
I got to my register and looked to my left. It happened to be that I liked every single person I was working with that day. I immediately thought, "What the hell am I supposed to write on my blog for today?"
Calm After the Storm
This shift went by incredibly slowly due to two variables. Thursdays are the slowest days at this store because Wednesdays are the biggest days due to new sales. The store is flooded and barely anyone shows up on Thursday. There's also the fact that I was on register 8, the register no one goes to because it is on the far end. Then I thought, "Surely, I'll have one interesting, bitchy or crazy customer." Wrong.
Every single customer, and I mean EVERY single one that came through my line, was kind, happy and sweet. What if every day was like this? I would have to quit writing this blog. I also thought that this lack of noteworthy customers and employees was too a "calm" of sorts. The first two days was a goldmine of characters, I had to pick the best of many on both days. It makes sense that I would have this easy going day of kind people. It means tomorrow promises to be good.
Comic Con
MALE CUSTOMER: Your raspberries look like they traveled through Middle Earth and back.
ME: So...they're bad?
This was probably the strangest thing I heard anyone say all day. So many things could have been said in response. Did he think our raspberries looked like Gollum? Maybe he thought they looked like they had been chewed on by an army of orcs, or stabbed by the groaning, cloaked, former kings who rode those winged monster bird things. My knowledge of the Lord of the Rings trilogy doesn't stretch far past the few times I have seen the movies. I could never score a real geek.
Kids
The best entertainment all day came from kids. A group of siblings came up to my register and were in awe of the conveyor belt. Upon touching it they would exclaim, "WHOA." They pressed their hands to the moving belt as it went forward and each person closest to the sensor would immediately run to the end so that the belt could keep going. This sort of thing always entertains everyone but the mother of the children.
Another pair of kids were wandering around the front end of the store while their dad was checking out. They ran from display to display touching every piece of merchandise they could. They stopped at the sunglasses and tried some on. Instant superstars. These kids broke into poses and I think I heard them mention acting like "Mission Impossible." I forgot how quickly a kid's world changes when they are in costume. I tried to remember my own imagination when it was as vivid and wild as it was when I was a child.
The award for "Most Hilarious Kid" came from a little girl who was really cold in the store. Her mother was checking out her groceries with her 2 year old, who was in the cart. While the mom wasn't paying attention, this girl walked over to a heated display in the deli where hot rotisserie chicken and hot French bread was kept. This girl stood by the heat until her mom called her. It was then that the little girl grabbed a bag of French bread, opened it up and inserted her whole arm into the bag and let out a huge sigh of relief. Warmth at last! Her mom was not happy at all, she yanked her daughter back to the cart and paid for the French bread she said she had to buy now that her daughter put her arm all over it. I think she tried to scold the girl, but I think I made it difficult for her to do that since I was DYING of laughter.
That's it. One Thursday afternoon/evening shift with a dream team of coworkers, wonderful customers and silly kids. Smiles all day long and plenty of positive attitudes going around, the kind of working environment most businesses hope for but are only seen in the training videos (and those people are only smiling because they are getting paid to do it). It was boring and slow but also nice. This doesn't happen everyday and I'm glad it happened once.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Day Two
So, I was five minutes late to work. Don't be alarmed, this store has an insanely lenient late policy. Once you have been late 25 times up to 30 minutes late you get a verbal warning. After another several many times you get a written warning, several more times, a final warning, then after several MORE times, your employment will be terminated. I'll give you a moment to laugh...
So again, I was five minutes late to work. I felt bad, but not that bad. I live 30 minutes away from this place and I still wasn't used to the traffic or what not. You know, excuses.
Cake Eyes
Before going to my register I stepped into the office to tuck in my shirt. The head cashier walked up to me.
HEAD CASHIER: What time did you punch in?
ME: Agh, five minutes late. I'm sorry.
HEAD CASHIER: [Hands me a sheet of paper] This is the new attendance policy. Give it a read, sign it and hand it in. It's a new point system. Every time you are late you get 1/2 a point penalty. Once you accumulate (whatever many, I wasn't really listening) points you lose your job. [She then turns away and goes back to her register]
Not a new attendance policy. This was the first thing I checked in the employee manual. The second thing I checked was vacation policy. This head cashier is an older woman with poorly dyed red hair. Over her eyelids she applies so much pasty blue eye shadow you would think it was war paint. Makeup, for many women, is useful for bringing out or emphasizing one's natural beauty. Cake Eyes had so much on her eyelids, above and below the crease, that you could see every wrinkle (every seemingly bottomless crevice) under the shadow. Her mother had failed her in this department.
Cake Eyes put me in a funk because never, before or after giving me the attendance policy speech, did she say, "Hi. How are you doing? What happened this morning?" She never talked to me for the rest of the day except to say, "You can go on break now." She was so nice to me the previous day. We talked about families. She apparently has a daughter who is training to supervise celebrity tours in Disneyland. I thought that was pretty cool. I wondered if my being five minutes late made things inconvenient for her or anyone else. Since there were only three customers in the store, they were fine. If it takes being late 25 times to get a verbal warning, why was I getting one now?
Sally Spec: Prologue
I learned that employees with long hair had to tie hair up. I immediately noticed a bunch of girls that had their hair down. I asked around if the head cashiers took that rule seriously. I heard from several that as long as your hair is out of your face it's cool. AWESOME. My hair is my favorite thing about my physical appearance. I was glad it wouldn't have to be in a bun or ponytail all summer. Two days later one of the cashiers came up to me and said, "You have to tie your hair."
I turned around and noticed other girls with their hair in buns. I learned later that we were ratted out. Some girl complained that she is the only one tying up her hair, that is what she was told to do in training and no one else was following the rules. I wanted to know who this girl was so I could instantly NOT like her.
Sally Spec: Chapter One
I found out who complained. I ended up having to work in the register next to her. I walk up to put my till in the register and she points out the "new" attendance policy to me right away, just like Cake Eyes.
SALLY SPEC: If you are late you get 1/2 a point.
As if I can't fucking read.
ME: Eh, it will be fine.
SALLY: But if you acquire [whatever many points, I wasn't fully paying attention] you'll get fired.
ME: I DON'T PLAN ON BEING LATE EVERYDAY!
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, inhale...exhale...
Okay, so I lost my cool. I didn't want to go there again. I would not go there again. I chose to do what I always do when a coworker pisses me off, I turned my focus to the customers. I was instantly cheered up by a little girl who did this:
My next customer pays with cash and hands me a twenty dollar bill and once the register opened I realized I never broke open the rolls of coins]
ME: [to the customer] Oops! I knew I was forgetting something!
SALLY: [turns to me] Before you start checking out customers, you need to open all of the rolls of coins.
ME: I know, I always do. Like I said, I forgot.
SALLY: Oh.
Later...
ME: [to the CUSTOMER, while ringing in poblano peppers and looking for the code in a code book] I believe poblano peppers are listed as pasilla green peppers. [then I found the code]
SALLY: Those are listed as pasilla green peppers, number [I don't fucking remember, I fucking hate this bitch]
ME: I got the number already.
...and later...
BITCH: [cleaning up papers and return items between registers] I am a clean freak, I need to have my side of this surface clean.
ME: [pulls out blank receipt paper, writes note to self: "Make a bigger mess."]
This girl has nothing better to say me. No friendly talk, just waiting for and pointing out my sporadic flaws. I think she thinks she is being helpful, or maybe she and Elvira are in this together and they are out to get me.
Sally Spec: Epilogue
In her last 30 minutes of working next to me, Sally turns around.
SALLY: Does you head ever hurt from having your hair in a ponytail for a long time?
ME: Yeah, I try to keep my hair loosely tied so it doesn't hurt.
Holy shit, progress. She went from pointing out my flaws to complaining about her own problems. I'll take it.
The Parent Teacher
Screaming toddlers frequent grocery stores all of the time, most of the time it's because they didn't get whatever nutritionally deficient food item they wanted. I have prompts for every time a child screams or cries in my line, one of which is, "Awwww, life is hard..." The parent usually laughs. I have seen really awesome parents ignore the screaming child, unwilling to respond and enable this bad behavior. I have seen other parents give the child whatever they want (this child is likely to scream again). I thought I had parents properly categorized until this one particular dad walked up with his toddler. The toddler was making a noise that was the most unpleasant of all, a grating scream/yell. The dad had just taken a bag of cashews away from the toddler so that I could ring it in. Oh hell, the screaming. When the child turned his face, I noticed he had down syndrome.
The father smiled at the child and hugged him. The child would scream again, then the father would hug him and kiss him on the cheek. This happened over an over until it was time to pay for groceries. I handed the dad the cashews to give back to the boy and the dad swiped his credit card. I tried my best to distract the boy while his dad was busy but the boy went silent and gave me the "stranger danger" vibe. Good boy. I handed the father his receipt, he gave his son another smile, hug and kiss and went on his way. I was so thankful to witness this. It was the definition of love.
Old Man #1
ME: Hi! How are you doing today?
OLD MAN: [no response]
ME: Did you find everything okay?
OLD MAN: [no response, pressed lips in a slight frown]
Okay, I get it. For whatever reason this guy does not want to talk.
ME: Credit or debit?
OLD MAN: [no response]
Damn. Okay, can't win this one over. I handed him his receipt and upon taking it he looked up at me, smiled and said, "Hi!"
Thor
This 9 or 10 year old kid would grab every bag of groceries after my coworker helped bag them. He would hang the thin bags over both elbow joints and he would pose in a "tickets to the gun show" kind of way. As the bags accumulated I knew the groceries had to be getting dangerously heavier for this kid. He assured me he was fine. You can guess what happened next...
I Have Tattoos and I Don't Want To Talk
A twenty something female walks through my line wearing sunglasses. When I asked her how she was doing I'm sure she might have said, "Fine." At least I saw her lips form what looked like the word, maybe. The rest of the responses were similar. Mouth movement, no audible sound. She had a big colorful tattoo all of the way down her arm. I asked her how long it took to get the tattoo, she replied, "It took three months." Success! An actual audible sentence! I then told her I had a tattoo, but that it only took 15 minutes and it hurt like hell. She did not give a shit. With most people that have tattoos it is pretty easy to strike up a conversation about body art. Not with this girl. She just wanted to get out. Hint taken. Okay, get this girl out of here. Then her receipt printed and it looked like this:
The Infamous Patti
Ever since I got to this store I was told that a head cashier was on vacation who I would probably end up hating to work with. The day before Patti showed up, I was closing out my drawer with another head cashier. "Patti is coming in tomorrow. You have fun with that," and she laughed. I asked what was wrong with Patti. I was given a long list of why Patti is hard to work with, including being really slow. I wasn't sure to trust that. I don't like it when anyone talks shit about someone else to make up my mind for me about how I am not going to like this person. The next day came and Patti showed up in the middle of my shift after the warm welcome from Cake Eyes and Sally Spec. Patti walks right up to me.
PATTI: Hi! I heard you snuck in while I was on vacation! I'm Patti, are you Miranda? [she shakes my hand] It's so nice to meet you.
Patti was quick to respond to my pages, she helped bag my customers' groceries and joined in on my conversations with them. Then when I had to close out my drawer Patti was swift. She was neither slow nor difficult to work with and she was kind. Why all of the shit talking? What the hell is wrong with people?
Dirty Harry
It had been a long semi-miserable day at work. The only thing that got me through the worst parts of it was the fact that it was all good writing material. One of my last customers walks up to me. He is wearing a dirty t-shirt and his hands and arms were dirty. He handed me his drink and food and smiled big with the most kind greeting I had heard all day.
HARRY: How are you doing today?
ME: I'm great. Thanks for asking! How are you?
HARRY: I'm doing fantastic. Today is a good day.
ME: [relieved] Wow, thank you so much for being happy and positive.
HARRY: Sure! There's no sense in goin' through life hatin' life.
...and that is the gospel truth.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Day One
I have been a grocery cashier for four different companies in my life until now. All of them were jobs I took up during the summer to make extra money while I am not in school. The best job of all of these was when I worked for a co-op grocer in Indiana five years ago. Here, I met every kind of person you could possibly meet, the rich, the poor and people of every combination of race and religion (atheists and agnostics as well). This range of clientele was nothing you would see at a commercial grocer. It was my job to greet everyone with a smile, to help people pack and pay for their groceries and to be kind. Aside from the regulars I expected everyday (one of my favorites was a transvestite named Rachel, a local restaurant owner, who purchased coffee and a bagel every morning, 8am, on the dot), I never knew who I was going to meet or who would effect me in a positive or negative way. One of my favorite things to do would be to make whoever walked in with a frown, leave with a smile or a laugh. My coworkers were some of the best and most interesting people I have ever met and I will never forget them. I do not exaggerate when I say that I grew the most as a human being during my time working at the co-op.
As writing has become more and more of a favorite hobby for me in recent years I kick myself in the butt for not having written down an account of my brief tenure at the co-op. Now that I have recently taken up a summer job working for a health food store (to get away from dissertation writing), I will be sure to write down notes on the most interesting people I meet each day. This is a dream for character development writing, as I do not have to make anything up and it all falls in my lap...or I guess it goes through my line. So here it goes, day one of the best and worst of everyone I meet at or near my register.
Buffalo Lady
A sweet looking woman in her 50s walked up to the register next to mine and said something like this:
" Hiiiiiiiii!!!!! Ohhhhhhh my goodness I love you guys so much! Do you know what they're selling at Kroger now? White Buffalo! And when the white buffalo died the Indians cried. I am pretty sure stress and saccharine gave my sister cancer, but she's okay now. The tomatoes in my garden are growing pretty big..."
I wish I could remember everything she said. She moved seamlessly from one unrelated topic to the next, somehow. After she left, my coworker looked at me with utter bewilderment. I smiled. Most entertaining customer so far. Talk about setting the bar high!
Copycat
I met Copycat on my first day of work. My boss told me to bag groceries for the cashiers and get to know them all. "Copycat" was the first one I met, at register 2. She was a very quiet and introverted girl and she answered any question I asked her with few words and a forced smile. I tried to get her to converse with me while we worked. She would hardly respond, so I chose to speak with her customers instead. The next customer walked up and I greeted her asking, "How are you doing today?" After the customer replied, Copycat asked, "How are you doing today?" Not only was this the most words I ever heard her say all at once, but she also repeated what I just said. This went on for ten minutes. I would ask a question to the customer and she would ask the same. When I laughed, she laughed. Improvement is improvement, I guessed. I moved to the next register over to meet another cashier.
Today, her shift ended while I was still working. She walked all of the way over to where I was standing, at register 8. She waved saying, "Bye Miranda," and she walked out of the store. She said goodbye to no one else. For a second I got a "Cable Guy" vibe, but I also wondered if she was just thankful to be out of her shell a little bit or maybe she just liked me as a person. Awkward as she may be, she seems like a nice girl.
Tangly Q
A woman walked through my line and I immediately noticed the awesome spiral curls on the toddler sitting in her grocery cart.
ME: [to the toddler] I love your hair! Wanna trade hair? You can have mine, I'll have yours.
TODDLER: [laughs and shakes head]
MOM: Ugh you couldn't run a comb through it if you tried. She's gonna grow up an those locks are going to dread up, that will probably be best.It's like my hair, you can't run a comb through it.
I looked at this woman's hair. She had it slicked down with gel. She cut bangs which were also slicked down hard with gel as straight as she could get them. People with curly hair like that (who know how to take care of it) NEVER run a comb or brush through it unless they are trying to tease it. The solution is to detangle curly hair with conditioner during bath or shower. I tried to offer a solution, but this woman cut me off mid sentence 5 times, talking about what a pain and mess her daughter's (awesome) hair is, over and over. Jesus. I felt so bad for that toddler.
Baby Mama
This crazy vegan red headed girl sings every song that is played on the radio station overhead, everyday. She is very nice and has been the most patient and encouraging one of all the new people I have met so far. I had to watch a Texas Alcohol Beverage Commission DVD in the break room for 2 hours then take several tests over what I learned from the main host, who looked like the love child of Joe Pesci and Andy Richter. Employees would come in and out of the room on their breaks and talk through the DVD. At one point, the crazy vegan girl was seated in the room with a girl from the vitamin department and a guy from the grocery department.
CRAZY VEGAN: [to grocery guy] How's your baby mama?
VITAMIN GIRL: You have a child?
GROCERY GUY: [hesitates, then says] Yeah.
CRAZY VEGAN: I was pregnant once.
VITAMIN GIRL: Really? How long?
CRAZY VEGAN: Six months.
VITAMIN GIRL: Oh, I'm so sorry.
It didn't seem like the guy wanted anyone else to know about that. To make up for her lack of discretion the vegan girl reveals personal information of her own. Is this how younger people talk now? Is everyone open about their baby mamas and miscarriages or abortions? It wasn't the content of the conversation that bothered me as much as the lack of privacy of information. I don't really trust crazy vegan girl, but I'm at least glad she is nice and pleasant to be around when we are working.
Making Things Interesting...
I learned how to page the head cashier from the overhead speakers in the store. Everyone usually speaks rapidly and repeats whatever they say once. I chose from then on to speak as slowly as I could get away with. When I said, "Code 1, register 5," I sounded like Ben Stein on the Clear Eyes commercials. Some of the dudes restocking shelves asked one of the girls up front who was talking so slow when paging. She pointed me out and said, "New girl." Some of them thought I was weird but one guy appreciated it. It's a good thing I don't give a shit.
Pedandtic Joe
Another cashier I met, who looks and talks like Michael Cera, would make a point of telling me every PLU code I couldn't come up with in two seconds. It drove me insane. He is young, 18 years old and he prides himself on knowing more codes than everyone else. The young ones do that. Call it insecure or over-competitive...or both. I figured he was just trying to be helpful, so I kindly assured him if he kept feeding me the PLUs that I would never learn them. From then on he chilled out. He is a nice kid.
Elvira
Elvira always wears a frown. When I tried to help her bag groceries on my first day, she wouldn't hand me any groceries. She packed them all herself, even if there was a boatload to handle. I wondered if she instantly didn't like me or if she preferred to work alone. I moved to help another cashier.
Today she was helping a girl bag groceries on the register behind me. I thought I could see through the corner of my eye that she was watching my screen for several minutes. I was ringing in a nice man's groceries when I caught myself entering the wrong PLU. As I began to enter the right one, Elvira shouts out the correct code from the grassy knoll. This was my second day. All anyone has said about me up to this point (to my face anyway), is how impressive my training was and how fast I learned codes (it didn't take much, this is the fourth time I'm learning them). Elvira had not said shit to me since I got here, not even returning a "hello." She carries with her a sphere of negativity that I refuse to absorb. All bitching aside, I know there is a good woman in there with a story to tell.
So...
I learned that this is NOT the co-op I used to work for. Still, I had met a lot of nice and interesting people. I noticed a lot of kids wore Hawaiian shirts and had their hair in mohawks. The elderly people I met were my favorite. I always asked to check their IDs when they bought wine. Some of them thought I was serious. The people I met made me forget that my feet hurt. I guess that is the power of human interaction.
As writing has become more and more of a favorite hobby for me in recent years I kick myself in the butt for not having written down an account of my brief tenure at the co-op. Now that I have recently taken up a summer job working for a health food store (to get away from dissertation writing), I will be sure to write down notes on the most interesting people I meet each day. This is a dream for character development writing, as I do not have to make anything up and it all falls in my lap...or I guess it goes through my line. So here it goes, day one of the best and worst of everyone I meet at or near my register.
Buffalo Lady
A sweet looking woman in her 50s walked up to the register next to mine and said something like this:
" Hiiiiiiiii!!!!! Ohhhhhhh my goodness I love you guys so much! Do you know what they're selling at Kroger now? White Buffalo! And when the white buffalo died the Indians cried. I am pretty sure stress and saccharine gave my sister cancer, but she's okay now. The tomatoes in my garden are growing pretty big..."
I wish I could remember everything she said. She moved seamlessly from one unrelated topic to the next, somehow. After she left, my coworker looked at me with utter bewilderment. I smiled. Most entertaining customer so far. Talk about setting the bar high!
Copycat
I met Copycat on my first day of work. My boss told me to bag groceries for the cashiers and get to know them all. "Copycat" was the first one I met, at register 2. She was a very quiet and introverted girl and she answered any question I asked her with few words and a forced smile. I tried to get her to converse with me while we worked. She would hardly respond, so I chose to speak with her customers instead. The next customer walked up and I greeted her asking, "How are you doing today?" After the customer replied, Copycat asked, "How are you doing today?" Not only was this the most words I ever heard her say all at once, but she also repeated what I just said. This went on for ten minutes. I would ask a question to the customer and she would ask the same. When I laughed, she laughed. Improvement is improvement, I guessed. I moved to the next register over to meet another cashier.
Today, her shift ended while I was still working. She walked all of the way over to where I was standing, at register 8. She waved saying, "Bye Miranda," and she walked out of the store. She said goodbye to no one else. For a second I got a "Cable Guy" vibe, but I also wondered if she was just thankful to be out of her shell a little bit or maybe she just liked me as a person. Awkward as she may be, she seems like a nice girl.
Tangly Q
A woman walked through my line and I immediately noticed the awesome spiral curls on the toddler sitting in her grocery cart.
ME: [to the toddler] I love your hair! Wanna trade hair? You can have mine, I'll have yours.
TODDLER: [laughs and shakes head]
MOM: Ugh you couldn't run a comb through it if you tried. She's gonna grow up an those locks are going to dread up, that will probably be best.It's like my hair, you can't run a comb through it.
I looked at this woman's hair. She had it slicked down with gel. She cut bangs which were also slicked down hard with gel as straight as she could get them. People with curly hair like that (who know how to take care of it) NEVER run a comb or brush through it unless they are trying to tease it. The solution is to detangle curly hair with conditioner during bath or shower. I tried to offer a solution, but this woman cut me off mid sentence 5 times, talking about what a pain and mess her daughter's (awesome) hair is, over and over. Jesus. I felt so bad for that toddler.
Baby Mama
This crazy vegan red headed girl sings every song that is played on the radio station overhead, everyday. She is very nice and has been the most patient and encouraging one of all the new people I have met so far. I had to watch a Texas Alcohol Beverage Commission DVD in the break room for 2 hours then take several tests over what I learned from the main host, who looked like the love child of Joe Pesci and Andy Richter. Employees would come in and out of the room on their breaks and talk through the DVD. At one point, the crazy vegan girl was seated in the room with a girl from the vitamin department and a guy from the grocery department.
CRAZY VEGAN: [to grocery guy] How's your baby mama?
VITAMIN GIRL: You have a child?
GROCERY GUY: [hesitates, then says] Yeah.
CRAZY VEGAN: I was pregnant once.
VITAMIN GIRL: Really? How long?
CRAZY VEGAN: Six months.
VITAMIN GIRL: Oh, I'm so sorry.
It didn't seem like the guy wanted anyone else to know about that. To make up for her lack of discretion the vegan girl reveals personal information of her own. Is this how younger people talk now? Is everyone open about their baby mamas and miscarriages or abortions? It wasn't the content of the conversation that bothered me as much as the lack of privacy of information. I don't really trust crazy vegan girl, but I'm at least glad she is nice and pleasant to be around when we are working.
Making Things Interesting...
I learned how to page the head cashier from the overhead speakers in the store. Everyone usually speaks rapidly and repeats whatever they say once. I chose from then on to speak as slowly as I could get away with. When I said, "Code 1, register 5," I sounded like Ben Stein on the Clear Eyes commercials. Some of the dudes restocking shelves asked one of the girls up front who was talking so slow when paging. She pointed me out and said, "New girl." Some of them thought I was weird but one guy appreciated it. It's a good thing I don't give a shit.
Pedandtic Joe
Another cashier I met, who looks and talks like Michael Cera, would make a point of telling me every PLU code I couldn't come up with in two seconds. It drove me insane. He is young, 18 years old and he prides himself on knowing more codes than everyone else. The young ones do that. Call it insecure or over-competitive...or both. I figured he was just trying to be helpful, so I kindly assured him if he kept feeding me the PLUs that I would never learn them. From then on he chilled out. He is a nice kid.
Elvira
Elvira always wears a frown. When I tried to help her bag groceries on my first day, she wouldn't hand me any groceries. She packed them all herself, even if there was a boatload to handle. I wondered if she instantly didn't like me or if she preferred to work alone. I moved to help another cashier.
Today she was helping a girl bag groceries on the register behind me. I thought I could see through the corner of my eye that she was watching my screen for several minutes. I was ringing in a nice man's groceries when I caught myself entering the wrong PLU. As I began to enter the right one, Elvira shouts out the correct code from the grassy knoll. This was my second day. All anyone has said about me up to this point (to my face anyway), is how impressive my training was and how fast I learned codes (it didn't take much, this is the fourth time I'm learning them). Elvira had not said shit to me since I got here, not even returning a "hello." She carries with her a sphere of negativity that I refuse to absorb. All bitching aside, I know there is a good woman in there with a story to tell.
So...
I learned that this is NOT the co-op I used to work for. Still, I had met a lot of nice and interesting people. I noticed a lot of kids wore Hawaiian shirts and had their hair in mohawks. The elderly people I met were my favorite. I always asked to check their IDs when they bought wine. Some of them thought I was serious. The people I met made me forget that my feet hurt. I guess that is the power of human interaction.
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