Day Fifty

Last day. Why should things be any different?

Cool Mom #1

A woman rolled up to my register with five kids. I wasn't sure if they were her adopted kids or if some of them were her kids' friends. They looked like a United Colors of Benetton ad. The mom began to hand me an endless amount of things for me to put back on the shelves.

MOM: I let the kids pick whatever they want off the shelves. I love seeing them enjoy grocery shopping.

Aren't you the coolest mom ever? There are other ways of seeing that your kid enjoy grocery shopping. It doesn't have to involve making the cashiers do more work than necessary. Any ignorant d-bag may think, "Well, they get paid to put these things back," and this person would be an ignorant d-bag.

Facebook

Oy, Facebook adds. I took out a strip of receipt paper to write down the full names of the people I liked at this store. I figured that at some point I would take this grocery blog down and "friend" these people. I decided I would keep this paper safe. I really did want to know how these people were doing later on, not just for the purposes of being friends but to also write an epilogue.

Cool Mom #2

A little girl picked a lollipop out of the container in front of my register as her mom unloaded the grocery cart. The mom saw her and didn't give her kid a chance to ask for it.

MOM: Put it back.
GIRL: [whining a little] But I want it.
MOM:  [taking the pop and putting it back in the container] There are a lot of things I want too. Doesn't mean I'm gonna get it.

Hold the phone. That was a strange choice of words. It almost seemed like the mom was projecting what was probably her own sad life on to her daughter. The kid tried to grab a lollipop again, but her mom gripped her daughter's wrist, pulling her away from the container.

MOM: Stop it right now. I will spank you right here in front of everyone.

I wanted so badly to give this kid a free lollipop but I knew her mom would get mad. The girl sneezed. The mom said nothing, she was clearly still mad at her daughter. She didn't show concern, concern is apparently for the weak. The girl sneezed again and rubbed her nose. The mom said nothing again so I leaned over to the girl.

ME: [whispered] Bless you.

The little girl smiled.

Update: Gaythan

I had this theme from the movie "Up" stuck in my head.

My brass quintet had recently played this theme for an Alzheimer's clinic and it had not left my mind. I couldn't stop singing it at my register. When the lines were empty, I turned around and began to dance a waltz with Gaythan. We waltzed until a female customer came along. She smiled at us and we all laughed. After this customer left Gaythan turned to me.

GAYTHAN: I have never slow danced with anyone before. You are the first person I have ever slow danced with. Thank you.

It technically wasn't a slow dance, it was a waltz, but I'm sure that it was the closest thing to a slow dance Gaythan has ever had. I am pretty sure he knew he was gay shortly after birth. He probably didn't go to a high school where it was okay for boys to dance together at the prom. My heart melted.

ME: It was my honor. [I courtesied]


Buffalo Man

A man and his elderly father came through my line with a lot of produce. I grabbed a green bell pepper and I was about to enter the PLU code when the man became startled.

MAN: That's a pepper.
ME: I got it. [I smiled at him]

MAN: You'll have to forgive me. I'm jumpy. You can thank my horrible mother for that.

Damn. Horrible mother?

MAN: That woman put me and my brother and my dad through the worst time. Makes hell look like rest and relaxation. I used to like grapes but children stomp on them and treat the fruit with such disregard.

The father asked me to put the grapes at the top of the bag. He understood what his son was trying to say. This was no ordinary rant. The son had brain damage. I smiled at whatever the son said and tried often to steer the conversation in a more positive direction. He talked like Snaggle Puss which made it entertaining for me. He talked about how he was a miracle child because he was born in his parents' 40s.

ME: You are indeed a miracle child.
DAD: [looking at my name tag] Miranda. You have a pretty name.
SON: You have a pretty smile.

I wished them a nice day. I admired that father for taking care of his son. I hoped that everyone they meet would treat them well. People need to be treated with care.

All people.

Goodbye

It had been a while since I got to work in a register next to Hero, whose stolen sandwich launched the stingwich operation. It was poetic that he and I would be closing the store together, he was my favorite coworker. I had to explain to him too that I couldn't add him on Facebook yet, but that I would eventually. He asked me if I would eventually tell him why I couldn't add him right away. I told him I would explain. I trusted him more than my other coworkers to keep this blog a secret, but I didn't want to share it with him until it was done.

I bought dark chocolate covered almonds for the remaining cashiers and Banshee.  The store was pretty dead so we all chatted away. Banshee had educated me on "Dudism". A religion has apparently been built based on The Dude from "The Big Lebowski". Banshee told me that her husband is a Dudist priest. He marries people off in a bathrobe.

When the time came, I got goodbye hugs from Copycat and Gaythan. Hero and I chatted during downtimes to the end of our shift. I told him about how I got O.C.Daisy written up. He told me that Elvira had also been talking about me behind my back too.

HERO: She said, "Why would she get a job she hates? Why go through all the paperwork?"

When the hell did I say I hate this job? She hinted at my inconveniencing the management. There is no chain grocery store job  that doesn't have a turnover rate after summer...Elvira. Other than O.C.Daisy there was no one else at the store to whom I gave as much of the benefit of the doubt. She had nothing to gain from being so grumpy and bitchy to me. Part of me wanted to bake her a yellow cake and write "Cheer the fuck up" on it.

It was time to close. Hero let me walk out of the store first. I went into the office with Banshee to count down my till. I got her full name so I could add her on Facebook.

BANSHEE: I'm sad that you're leaving. All of the cool people are leaving! [Crazy Red Head Vegan] left, (Heartless) Lucy left and now you're leaving!

I was going to miss Banshee too. I was glad to see that she was going to be okay. After counting down my till, I stopped by to say goodbye to Emmy.

EMMY: Good luck with your new job! We want you to know that for whatever reason if you want to come back you are 100% rehireable!
ME: How is that possible?
EMMY: We like you!
ME: I like you guys too! Thanks!

I could not believe that I was rehireable. I was late enough times to be fired three times over. I'm glad my personality made up for that. I have never heard of a place this lenient. I gave Emmy a hug and then I walked up to a register 7 and 8 and picked up the phone to make the closing announcement before I walked out.

            Good evening customers. The time is 10PM and our store is now closed. Please make your final selections and bring them up to the front so you may be checked out. Our store opens tomorrow at 7AM. We hope to see you again and as always, thank you for shopping at...

Day Forty Nine

Update: The Infamous Patti

I came to work with a container full of organic cherry tomatoes from my garden. I brought them for Patti because I told her I would bring her some before my last day. I found out that she went to the hospital last night because there was something wrong with her pancreas. She would be released from the hospital today but would have to stay home for a few days. I was glad Patti was okay but I was a little sad that I didn't get to give her a proper goodbye.

Update: Cake Eyes & Klepto Sue

Cake Eyes worked in the register next to me for the first two hours of my shift. She didn't say a word to me the entire time. I didn't care. I was happy to see her replaced by Klepto Sue. Sue is more fun to talk to. I asked Sue if she would like to try the cherry tomatoes that I brought. She scooped up half the harvest into her hands and put them in her lunch bag.

SUE: Thank you!

This was my fault. I should have said, "Would you like to try ONE?" That last time I was this unclear, three trick-or-treaters took out 2/3 of the candy bowl on Halloween.

I noticed that Sue has become comfortable with some of the female cashiers. We could tell because she has begun to bump hips with all of us. Also, for whatever reason, she was slapping everyone on the butt today. I guess some people do it as a sign of comradery or affirmation like in the NBA, but I didn't care for it. I stood sideways so that I could keep Sue in my peripheral and avoid any hand-to-butt contact.

Brat

A man walked up followed by his daughter who had her hands cupped together. He turned around and looked at his daughter, puzzled.

MAN: What's that in your hand?
GIRL: Daddy, it's just a little bit.
MAN: We are not getting that.
GIRL: Yes we are. [she walked in front of her dad and placed a little bag of chocolate covered nuts on the belt]

MAN: [In an angry whisper] You pick those up right now and put them back!

I thought I saw fire come out of his eyes. This was a teaching moment that I didn't want to interrupt. The little girl pushed her father aside, grunted, and stomped back to the bulk section. Thankfully she didn't actually empty the chocolate back into the bin, she just placed the bag nearby. She walked over to the door and stood fuming with crossed arms. The dad apologized to me. I thought nothing of it. I have seen some parents publicly spank their kids into submission. It seemed that he would correct the situation at home instead of in a public place. Smart man.

Update: Elvira

I was walking back from taking a break when I found out I would be working next to Elvira. I took my till to my register.

ME: Hello!
ELVIRA: Ugh, you? You give me a headache.
ME: Likewise.
ELVIRA: You talk too much.

At first I thought she was joking. Then it didn't seem so. There was only one thing to do...be annoyingly talkative with other people around Elvira at a higher than normal volume level.

Ew...

A mom and her young daughter walked up to my line. This girl looked like Punky Brewster, freckles, pigtails and colorful clothes. The girl fixed her eyes upon the organic lollipop container.

GIRL: Mom! Can I have one of these! It says they're free!
ME & MOM: No they're not. [in unison]
GIRL: It says something free!

I laughed.

ME: It says that the lollipops are gluten-free.
GIRL: [her eyes widened] Gluten?! Ew...
MOM: Honey, gluten is in everything you eat.

The misinformed girl's face turned disgusted and mistrusting. "Gluten" does sound like it could be something gross. I offered her a free lollipop for the laugh.

GIRL: I'll pass. [she dramatically waved her hand in rejection]

Update: Banshee

Banshee stood at the end of my register to help bag groceries.

BANSHEE: Hey there.
ME: Hey. How are you?
BANSHEE: You know, I feel better today than I have in a while.

She told me all about what happened. She did have an IUD. Somehow she got pregnant and with what was essentially half of a baby. She recounted the graphic details of what happened. Doctors couldn't figure out what happened. It was a painful ordeal to bring her back to health and she was still stumped as to what happened. We didn't talk about it long.

I noticed her tattoo on her arm. It was the insignia from Star Trek.

ME: Are you a Trekkie?
BANSHEE: Very much so.

She told me about how she met Patrick Stewart at Comic Con and how she burst into tears at the sight of him. She grew up watching Star Trek with her dad. It was how they connected. When she watches the show she thinks of her father.

We eventually talked about what she missed while she was gone. I told her that her "No Shit Talking Rule" had done a bunk since O.C.Daisy was likely to get away with talking shit about me.

BANSHEE: Oh, so that's why she got a write-up.
ME: What?
BANSHEE: Daisy got a write-up.
ME: No fucking way. The system works?
BANSHEE: Yup, and head cashiers only get a first and final warning. Then after that you're fired.

Wow.

I couldn't believe that anything I said made any difference at all. I was really proud of my managers for hearing me out.

There goes my peace with Daisy.

Day Forty Eight

Hot Commodity

One of the worst first world problems you can have in Texas is having the A/C in your car break down in the summer. Add to that the fact that my car has a black leather interior (I bought the car in the winter, it was a great idea then). The temperature was above 100 degrees outside, a sweltering heat that my car welcomed in with open...doors. After 30 minutes of driving I was drenched in sweat. I walked in the office and asked my manager if I could buy another ugly green t-shirt. Grumpy Gill gave me one for free. That was very nice of him. Before changing I stepped into the walk-in freezer and remained there for six minutes to dry off. Then I clocked in, on time.

[hold for applause]

Update: Banshee

Banshee came back to work today. Her stomach was flat and she looked more like when I first met her. It was so sad to see. I didn't want to bother her about what happened. I figured if she wanted to talk about it, she would.

As my shift went on, I found that Banshee would walk by me just as I would say the absolute WRONG thing to a customer.

EXAMPLE NO. 1

A little boy strolled up to my line in the grocery cart his mom was pushing. He would hand me items and I would scan them. I tried to scan something that required a code and my register all but screamed at me.

ME: Bugger!
BOY: Buggaahhhh!

He was at that age where you have to be extremely careful about what you say. The mom laughed. We gabbed about babies and I told the woman that I wasn't allowed to buy anything baby-related for a month because I kept wanting to buy all of Target's baby section.

WOMAN: Why?
ME: My nephew will be born in a month. I can't stop buying every cute thing I see.
WOMAN: That's what nephews do to aunties.
ME: He's not even born yet and I'm a shopaholic.

...and Banshee walks by. Damn it.

EXAMPLE NO. 2

A male customer walked up to my register.

ME: How are you doing today?
MAN: [grumbles irritatedly]
ME: Okay, bad day...Forget I asked! Abort!

...and Banshee walks by. Damn it. I'm such an ass.

She-Wolf

A girl came into my line with a face fully painted like a wolf. She growled and pretended to chew on all of the grocery items her mom put on my belt. I noticed that she picked up carrots.

ME: I have never heard of a wolf that like carrots.
MOM: This wolf is a vegetarian.
GIRL: [still speaking like a growling wolf] I'm gonna eat these carrots like Bugs Bunny!

Although unrelated to her looking like a wolf, I was elated that she even knows who Bugs Bunny is. That meant so many things, the best of which being that she is being exposed to some classical music! Wagner! Rossini! Mozart!

ME: Good wolf. Watch all the Bugs Bunny you can, especially the older ones. Okay?
GIRL: Rowr!!
ME: Is that a yes?

Snob Daughter

I was honestly not paying much attention to this customer because she was plainly cordial like many of the customers I don't write about. This was until her daughter walked up wanting to buy something.


GIRL: Can I get this?
MOM: No.
GIRL: Are you serious? You are getting all of this other junk food but you will not spare $1.79 for a bag of seaweed chips?
MOM: [no response]
GIRL: Hello?!
MOM:[no response]

It was all I could do to not give that mom a high five right there. Again, once upon a time, I was that snotty daughter disrespectfully requesting food items from my mom at checkout. My mom was her mom. My mom did the right thing as this mom did. I have to make a point of calling my mom to thank her for saying, "No." Hopefully that daughter will thank her mom one day too.

New Blood

Two new cashiers were in training. This store is ready for me to go! I went over to bag groceries for one of them. The cashier I was helping scanned a few items for a customer, then stopped every once in a while to find PLU codes. When she couldn't find a code she asked me for help. I then found myself giving her code after code without her asking for help, like a nervous tick I couldn't get rid of. I had to stop myself!


ME: I'm so sorry. It is easier for you to memorize codes  by looking them up over and over, so I'm going to shut up now.
CASHIER: [laughs] Thanks.

Ugh. I'm glad that I remembered that what seems helpful isn't helpful at all in this situation. The two new girls are nice. I forgot their names already. If they do anything of note in my last two days, they will at least get a nickname.

Old Man #13

An old man was about to walk into Klepto Sue's line when he saw that my line was empty. Sue was finishing up with a customer.


OLD MAN: [walking over to me] I'm going to go to the friendliest cashier here!
ME: How do you know I am friendly?
OLD MAN: Because you talk to me. You ask me questions.
ME: Oh! So how is your day going?
OLD MAN: That's the kind of thing you say!

Day Forty Seven

Update: Banshee & O.C.Daisy

Banshee had been missing for a few days now. All I heard was that her husband called in for her. When I got to work, I walked into the office to get a till from O.C.Daisy. I didn't have the heart to be so cold toward her anymore. I decided to make small talk.

ME: Taking over for [Banshee] again?
DAISY: Yep, for several days now.
ME: Man, she must really be sick.
DAISY: She wasn't sick. She had a miscarriage.

My heart fell into my stomach. I watched Banshee look more and more pregnant over the last two months. I was told she wasn't pregnant. She said she wasn't pregnant.

DAISY: She had an IUD on so she didn't understand what was going on. Her doctor said she had an infection from her previous child's birth. He gave her medicine for it, to CLEANSE her. She was pregnant. He didn't even do a pregnancy test.

My heart dropped to the floor. What school did this doctor come from? I was angry and sad.

DAISY: I called her to see how she is doing. I know all about miscarriages. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at 28. It's a miracle that I had my two kids in my early twenties. I should have had ten. I know exactly how [Banshee] is feeling.
ME: Oh my god. You're a survivor.
DAISY: Yes. It was hard to swallow that kind of news at that age. I'm grateful to be alive.
ME: I'm glad you were there for [Banshee].
DAISY: Yeah, I may try and visit her after work.


I didn't feel like writing about my customers and coworkers today. I kept my thoughts with Banshee and her family. Daisy and I were cordial all day. I decided to be nice to her from now on. She accidentally spilled an open bottle near my feet while we were talking. She apologized profusely and ran off to get cleaning materials. I cleaned up the mess myself quickly so she didn't have to do anything by the time she came back. I assured her that it was okay and she said, "Thank you." before apologizing one last time. She helped me out a lot today with my customers and we laughed together when funny things happened.
 
Tragedy. It causes us to drop all of the ridiculous things that we think divides us. It unites us and makes us dwell on what is important. I hate that that is what it takes. I couldn't empathize but I could sympathize. I felt that I somehow understood Daisy a little better.

Day Forty Six

Update: O.C.Daisy

I had a 12PM-8PM shift. It's an interesting shift to work because you are with all of the people who worked the early morning shifts. They are exhausted and they are counting the hours until they leave. The rest of your shift involves the exit of the tired morning people and the entrance of the well rested people who have afternoon shifts.

Today's A.M. crew included Mad Kathy, Cake Eyes, Klepto Sue and Elvira. Cake Eyes was the first person to go home. She went home with her usual giant bottles of chardonnay. Klepto Sue came to help bag groceries at the end of my register whenever it was slow. She is always good for conversation. Mad Kathy was tired and didn't talk a whole ton. I ignored Elvira, as I planned to for the rest of my time at the store. Being nice to her, like being nice to O.C.Daisy, was a waste of energy.

O.C.Daisy was the head cashier taking over for Banshee. Apparently Banshee had been gone for a few days and head cashiers have been taking over for her. She did look more pale than usual the last time I saw her. I hoped she was okay. O.C.Daisy walked up to the end of my register to help bag groceries.

DAISY: How are you doing?

I didn't respond. I was done hoping that Daisy would reveal a nicer version of herself. Mad Kathy asked me how I was doing. I told her I found out that my battery had died. Daisy was listening to our conversation.

DAISY: Awwww!
ME: [verbally snapped] Don't act like you're concerned.
DAISY: What?

I hated myself for being mean. I have nothing to gain from being so pissed off at OCD. Being angry never hurts the the one you're angry at as much as it hurts you. Who said that? The Dalai Lama? Damn you and all your truth, Dalai. I needed to get this off my chest so I went straight to Grumpy Gill's office.

ME: Gill, I'm sure you're busy, but if you have a moment today may we talk?
GILL: We can talk now, come on in.

I was nervous. What does the shitty, late-all-of-the-time employee say to convince the general manager that a head cashier needs correcting?

ME: Before I say anything I would like to say that I am aware that I am not always the best employee. I am am totally aware of that. I am also aware that I am leaving and that nothing I say is going to really matter but I feel that I need to say something.
GILL: I actually think you're a great employee.
ME: Really? (Seriously, what?)
GILL: Yeah! I have seen you interact with your customers. You are great with them. I couldn't ask for more.
ME: I'm not a model cashier.
GILL: Sure, there are things to work on, but you know. What did you want to say?

I had to stop being shocked at his assessment of me so I could tell him why I was there. I told him about how Daisy talked about me behind my back to Gaythan. He said Emmy had let him know what happened (Yes. Good job Emmy.) He told me that the managers would address the problem. It wasn't about me anymore. I didn't want any of my coworkers to hate this job because they had a mean, two-faced head cashier, talking shit about people to their friends and making the working environment unpleasant. I didn't mention how fake she seems, how bad her hair looks or how toothless people have no business insulting others. I thanked Gill for listening to me. I told him how much I appreciated working at this store all summer.

GILL: I knew you had to go. You are highly over-qualified for this job, we get that. We were glad to have you.
ME: It isn't about qualifications. This is a great job for people who have the capacity to enjoy it. I'm glad I got to work for a team of managers that like the company they work for. It made this job more fun to do.
GILL: Thank you.
ME: I loved the customers. I love people. I like to write a lot and I wrote a lot of my customer interactions down in prose.
GILL: Really? I would love to read that.
ME: Sure! I will send you some excerpts.

I really will send him a few excerpts. I think I will be leaving out the ones where he is called Grumpy Gill, and anything about the stingwich. I think I will just send him entries about the kids and the old people.

Day Forty Five

Party

I got invited to two parties today. The first invitation was from Klepto Sue for a party on Saturday. She told me that there would be spiked punch and jello shots. I imagined that everyone would be ten years younger than me with no ambitions or intelligent things to say. That's a terrible thing to assume. I told her I couldn't because I had to wake up at 6am the next morning to sing at a church service. The good thing about my not being able to make it is while Klepto Sue is nice to me and we laugh at work, I didn't feel inclined to know her in a greater capacity than being her coworker. I didn't want her to give me a reason to not like her. I felt it was a good decision.

Jacob, one of my favorite gays at the store invited me to another party on Saturday as well. This one I would have definitely attended if it would have started earlier than 11pm. I gave him the same excuse as Klepto Sue. Two party invites. I felt cool and accepted. Then I laughed at myself for having such high school sentiments.

Herb

A guy walked up to my register in baggy clothing and a backwards cap.


GUY: Dude, is this herbal?
ME: That is a honey stick. I'm not sure about herbs but I hear that local honey is good for allergies.

The guy laughed EXACTLY like Butthead.

GUY: Okay, I'll take two. [still laughing]

After I gave him a total of 67 cents he reached into one of his baggy pockets and pulled out a GIANT folded wad of cash. It barely fit in his hand. He flipped through several bills to find a one dollar bill and then handed it to me.

ME: [after handing him his receipt] Have a nice day!
GUY: I will now! [waving the honey sticks in the air]

I'm sure he was stoned, but he was cartoonishly stoned. Gaythan witnessed this with me.

ME: He acted like the actors you see on anti-marijuana commercials before they do something outlandishly uncharacteristic, like run over a little girl on a bike.
GAYTHAN: And the huge wad of cash? What was that all about?
ME: Maybe he is on his way to a strip club.
GAYTHAN: Maybe he is the worst drug dealer ever and he was actually trying to sell you something.
ME:"Herbal" was code for "I have weed"? That would be so confusing in a grocery store.
GAYTHAN: Do dealers even speak in code?
ME: I would imagine they make literal conversation when they meet clients in dark alleys.
GAYTHAN: Yes, because all drugs are purchased in dark alleys.
ME: Maybe our transaction was part of a sting operation and the "dealer" is a rookie cop, unlikely to catch anyone.
GAYTHAN: The possibilities are endless.

Rogue Corn

I was bagging several ears of corn for a male customer when the bag split and all six ears of corn fell to my feet. I'm glad he laughed about it.

MAN: The corn is saying [in a high pitched voice] 'don't eat meeeee!!'

This made me laugh so hard. I immediately pictured six ears of corn with feet running away for fear of their lives. I gave the man his total and continued to laugh.

ME: I'm sorry I have to draw for you what I am seeing in my head.

The woman who was next in line looked unhappy and shook her head.

WOMAN: You know, I don't really have time for this.
ME: Ma'am. I am waiting for this credit card reading to be complete. By drawing this corn, I am not taking any time away from your transaction. I promise.

She shut up and rightly so. It took me no more than 10 seconds to draw the following:

Update: O.C.Daisy

The store was kind of empty. I asked Daisy if I could go use the restroom. She said it was okay so I walked off, leaving Gaythan and Daisy standing at our register. When I came back, Gaythan told me what Daisy said under her breath as I was walking away.


GAYTHAN: She said,  "I'm glad she is leaving cause I'm sick of her attitude."

That BITCH.

That was it. I was officially sick of O.C.Daisy's two-faced bullshit. I walked over to Emmy, the manager on duty. I asked her if we could talk in the office. I explained to her what Daisy said. I explained that Daisy ruins what would otherwise be a pleasant working environment with her shit talking and her fake niceties. She put another coworker of mine in an uncomfortable situation by talking shit about me. I admitted to Emmy that I turned in my two week notice early because I found out that Daisy was promoted.

EMMY: That's so weird. She has always been nice to me.
ME: Of course she has been to you, you're her boss!
EMMY: Maybe she was mad because you did come in here and you learned everything really fast.
ME: I don't care why she hates me. She can hate me all she wants as long as she cooperates in making this a nice place to work. She has failed to do that several times and I have kept my mouth shut about it. I know I'm leaving and that nothing I say matters, but I don't think she has any business being a head cashier because she is an awful person and none of the younger employees respect her!

I got quiet. Emmy acknowledged what I said. She said it might be tough to do anything because Gaythan would have to be the witness and file a report. Gaythan told me he didn't want to be involved in any drama because he has to continue working there, unlike me. I didn't blame him. I didn't expect that Emmy would say anything to the other managers. I decided I would talk to Grumpy Gill the next day I work. He is the man in charge after all. It may get nothing accomplished but I will speak my mind. I am no longer going to give O.C.Daisy the benefit of the doubt.

Day Forty Four

Update: Cake Eyes

Another morning opening with Cake Eyes. I grabbed three samples of coffee and shot them down at my register, waiting for my face to lift. I didn't have the energy to see the best in people today. I couldn't help but feel that my last week was going to be miserable and people were going to be mean. I wasn't going to start a conversation with Cake Eyes even though neither of us had customers. I just kept my eyes down.

CAKE EYES: So I hear you're quitting.

I couldn't believe my ears. I slowly moved my head up. Was Cake Eyes talking to me? She was.

ME: Yeah. I got new work related to my professional field.
CAKE EYES: When does it start?
ME: Right now I am juggling all three jobs and I'm not sleeping much. I'm just trying to make it to work on time.
CAKE EYES: And how's that working out for ya?
ME: [I laughed] I know...I got three hours of sleep last night. It sucks. Do you lose sleep from back pain?
CAKE EYES: Actually I sleep well. That is my one saving grace.

I was surprised that Cake Eyes would use any of the air in her lungs to start a pleasant conversation with me. Later on we talked about wine. She told me that she used to love wine from Australia. Her ex-husband was from there. I had recently had an Australian wine at a great bar in Dallas. C.E. lived 3 minutes from the store and said she doesn't go far out of town. She asked me about where I live. To get to the grocery store usually took 30 minutes. To the church I work for and the university, 40 minutes. If my shift ever started near rush hour my commute took longer. I think she finally understood why I didn't always make it to work on time. Oh, to be understood!

Update: Crazy Red Head Vegan

Crazy Red Head Vegan was a no-show yesterday. She didn't make it to her shift today either. I found out from Emmy that CRV would no longer work at the store. It seemed to be an appropriate exit. I couldn't imagine a big weird/hilarious farewell from Crazy Red Head Vegan. I thought about what this meant. No more drama, mood swings, ill-timed inappropriate dialogue, or unsolicited advice to strangers about how they should give up meat. I wondered if this meant that nothing interesting would happen in my last seven days as a cashier.

Hard Ginger

A woman came into my line to buy crystallized ginger.


ME: How is this? Does it taste good?
WOMAN: Heavens no. I'm taking it because I am sick.
ME: Ginger is supposed to be really good for you though!
WOMAN: Doesn't sound appetizing.
ME: I used to hate ginger and now I love it, especially when I cook Indian food. Tastes change over time. I remember that used to hate the taste of cheesecake.
WOMAN: Ugh. Now there's something I wish would make me feel better.

Medicinal cheesecake? Yes! Somebody please make that happen.

The Nutritionist

A little girl and her mom walked into my line and like many kids before her she was drawn to the container of lollipops.


GIRL: What is this?

The mom continued to unpack her grocery cart.

GIRL: Organic lollipops? What does this say? [slowly read] U-S-D-A Organic. It must really be organic!

The mom organized food items on the belt.

GIRL: Naturally flavored too! Let's see. There's watermelon, mango and blueberry? Blueberry is so good for you!

The mom opened her bag to get her checkbook out.

GIRL: And they're gluten-free! This is the healthiest lollipop you can get!
MOM: I want you to know that I'm not listening to you.

Defeated, the girl moved forward so the mom could pay for groceries. I smiled because that little girl was a younger version of me. The mom was a younger version of my mother. The little girl may not understand it now, but one day she will be glad her mom didn't give her everything she asked for. Her candy rejection aside, I think this girl could have a career in marketing.


The Sampler

The store was pretty busy at one point and every cashier had at least four people in line. My next customer walked up wearing a nice perfume. I decided to compliment her on it.

ME: I like your perfume!
WOMAN: I'm not wearing any perfume.
ME: Really?

Huh. Who was I smelling? I turned around and asked Mad Kathy if she was wearing perfume. She said no. Up next in line was a gentleman.This guy was unshaven and wearing plaid. I didn't want to ask if he was wearing a floral perfume. Well, to each his own but it wasn't likely. After he left the scent remained and grew stronger.

KATHY: Now I smell it too. Where is that coming from?

My next two customers were a couple and though the smell got stronger when they walked up, I could tell by the sneer on their faces and the filtering of their breaths through their t-shirts that it wasn't them. Next in line was a woman and her young son. The scent became almost to strong for me to handle. That was when the woman spoke up.

WOMAN: I'm so sorry.
ME: Why?
WOMAN: We were in the health and beauty section and my son asked me if he could spray a perfume sample on me. I let him do it.
ME: That's kind of cute!
WOMAN: Well, what I didn't know was that after he tested one on me he tested the rest of the perfumes on himself.

I looked down at the little boy. He was halfway hiding behind his mom, gripping her leg. Poor thing! He couldn't hide what he did from anyone within a 15 foot radius!

Day Forty Three

JAY: Late much?
ME: I'm working on it!

Jay, my manager-on-duty, didn't care that I was less than two weeks away from leaving the store. Normally I would laugh about it, but I was actually glad that someone still cares about me doing better. It's either that or he feels highly disrespected by my lack of punctuality. Maybe both. I was late because I wanted to sleep as much as possible. I was so happy to get seven hours of sleep last night, but I still had more sleep to catch up on.

Old Lady #15

The store was very busy today and I was getting customers out of my line faster than my usual pace. An old lady bought a few things and her total was $5.70. I almost entered a $57,000 check into my register. It would not have gone through but I thought I would entertain my customer with the idea.

ME: I tried to get you a lot of change.
OLD LADY: How much?
ME: $56,994
OLD LADY: That check would have bounced like a hot potato!
ME: Bounced like a hot potato? I have to find some way to use that phrase!
OLD LADY: You know, I used to think it was a stupid phrase my mother used.
ME: Then you became your mother.
OLD LADY: All women do, no matter how much they fight it.

Storm Cloud

When I went on break, I noticed that one of my friends called. I had not talked to her in a week. I didn't really notice this week go by because my days were getting longer and more busy. I called her back to see what was up. In summary, I found out that an act of kindness on my behalf was viewed as attempted betrayal (she thought I made her look bad). When I assured her I meant no harm and she understood that as a possibility, she still wanted me to acknowledge my indiscretion. I was sorry that she felt so hurt, but I refused to apologize for being nice. In the end, two prideful alpha females refused to submit to the other side's view and our friendship was brought to an end. This painful conversation also took up my entire 15 minute break.

As I went back to work I put my phone in my pocket. This did not go unnoticed by Cake Eyes.

CAKE EYES: You can't have that phone up here, Miranda.
ME: Okay... [I put the phone in my pocket and walked to my register]

After that dismissive response, I slipped my phone into my drawer. "Go ahead, Cake Eyes," I thought, "Try and take my phone away." If she kept grinding my gears any further I was going to cut her head off.

"Calm down," I repeated under my breath.  I ran the conversation with my friend over a couple of times in my head. I really tried to see things her way but all I could conclude was that she is insecure. I don't hurt my friends on purpose and I am usually quick to admit when I am wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. I was being punished for being nice. We all reach an age where we decide that we are unwilling to put up with bullshit. I am well past that age. I refused to let this ruin my day. Enter Elvira...

ELVIRA: Be gentle!

Elvira made me realize that I was chucking my customers' fruits and veggies to the bagger after I weighed them. I shook my head at myself. I was mad. I apologized and made a point of not taking my bad day out on the groceries.

Several more customers came through and I was way more careful with grocery items. I called out to Elvira who was one register over.

ME: Look Elvira! I'm being gentle!
ELVIRA: [frowned] Are you making fun of me?

The frown turned into a scowl. Great, now I was back on Elvira's shit list. She had obviously misinterpreted what I said. This wasn't because of her general lack of humor. I thought she and I had made progress. Who else was I going to make mad today? The next couple of hours was like walking on eggshells. Not so much because I was afraid of making anyone mad, but more because I couldn't take anymore negativity or criticism.

A woman came into my line who told me she was going to another store after grocery shopping and was considering buying a freezer bag. I told her to save her money. I went into our freezer to grab a couple small bags of ice to keep certain foods cold and I doubled bagged these cold foods to keep condensation from ruining her car's interior.

WOMAN: Oh my word. Thank you! Has anyone told you you're AWESOME today?

I froze when she said that, staring at her in disbelief.

ME: No. No one has told me that today. Thank you for saying that.

As I tore off her receipt and told this woman, "Have a nice day," tears began to well in my eyes. The next customer came up and the tears were then pouring down my face. As this customer took out his credit card to pay, I crouched down to blot my face dry with a paper towel. It was pointless, as I kept sobbing for two more customers. I had to close my line and walk away. I didn't want to cry in the office or the kitchen. I ran into the foyer and hid behind a tall display of hundreds of water bottles. I sat of the floor and cried for several minutes. Catharsis took over, releasing all the fatigue, anger, stress and  imposing hatred from my system--a catharsis I needed to be able to function, triggered by the kind words of that one customer.

Once I felt better I walked back into the store and headed straight for the bulk section. I bought ten dark chocolate covered almonds and walked over to Klepto Sue's line. No one seemed to notice my leaving or question it. Sue made fun of how I only ever bought chocolate from her line. Quite possibly true. I could be known for worse things. Alleged kleptomania aside, Sue was fun to talk to. When things were not busy, she would come around to bag groceries for me.

A baby with a cupcake shirt came along. Angst-y teenagers came by wearing t-shirts that read, "Meh." The old lady who plays pickle ball came in with another matching workout jumpsuit. This time it was neon orange. I met a German lady to whom I got to show off my newly acquired German diction skills. I could tell she was German because she pronounced "still" as "shteel". Almost all of the rest of my customers increasingly put me in a better mood.

I hate to cry, I really do, but the most beautiful thing about crying is that you can really feel that first smile afterward and every smile after that is precious.

Day Forty Two

I came to work early before my 8am shift. I was tired, again. Last night I split a bottle of wine with a friend whose ex-boyfriend cheated on her a few months ago. Breakups are hard and there is a process that follows the demise of most long term relationships. This wasn't the hang where you get your friend drunk so they don't have to feel anything, it was a follow up. You don't leave until your friend is done talking and you have cussed enough about her ex to increase her morale. That's what friends are for, even if it means sleep deprivation.

I told my first customer to "have a nice day" without asking him to pay for his groceries. He laughed as he took out his credit card.  Awesome. I wasn't looking forward to another day like this.

Withdrawal: Stingwich

I had made several stingwiches up to this point. All good looking sandwiches of varying type and packaging. None of them had been eaten. I decided to ask around to see if anyone's lunch had been stolen lately. I talked to Elvira, Vitamin Girl and Pedantic Joe* (who left cashiering for working in grocery) and it seemed that no thefts had been made lately. I also found out that a lot of people have started locking up their lunch bags in the lockers. Did a rumor of a sandwich laced with Ex-Lax scare the selfish lunch thief from stealing food from the fridge? I shouldn't have told Crazy Red Head Vegan about the stingwich, but then again, if the thefts have stopped because of her warning then I should consider this mission a half success. I don't have to have the satisfaction of knowing that someone has downed 2-3 doses of Ex-Lax because he stole a sandwich that wasn't his and who knows, maybe this is somewhat illegal. What if the thief had an allergic reaction to the drug? Then I would be in deep shit. No pun intended.

*traitor

Old Lady #13

An old lady in a purple muumuu with a bandana over her head came into my line with a lot of groceries. After checking her out I asked her if she would like help going out to her car. She said, "Yes." Sweet Nate came along to push her cart but when he got close to it she wouldn't let him push. She just let him walk her to her car while she pushed her cart. It was a funny thing to see. Nate told me that she let him help put the groceries in the trunk but she was putting in groceries too. She let him put the grocery cart back but only because he offered. I wondered if she had issues with getting older and didn't want anyone to think she needed help. Maybe she was a feminist, letting men help when she says so! I envisioned the woman on the retro "Yes We Can" poster, except elderly and in a purple muumuu.

Old Lady #14

Another old lady came into my line with a ton of groceries as well. This woman let people help her. I shared the story of the woman with the purple muumuu with this lady.

OLD LADY: One of the perks of getting old is retiring and having people do things for you!
ME: Right? I kind of want to be old right now.
OLD LADY: No you don't. The thing that stinks about getting old is that your looks go away.
ME: I would think that depends on who's looking.
OLD LADY: I used to get complimented on my full lips. Not so much anymore.
ME: Well I think you're pretty!
OLD LADY: Aw! Thank you dear.

She smiled and walked away with Nate pushing her cart. She needed to hear that. I thought about how I might age. Would I think that I'm unattractive just because I'm not young anymore? Nope. I plan to be aware of what beauty is at every age.

Stynk Eye

The Infamous Patti came into work with what looked like pink eye. She assured us that it was a stye. Still, it was hard to look at Patti's face. I urged her to go get an eye patch so that she doesn't frighten customers into thinking they are going to take pink eye home with their groceries. Roz had Patti do a lot of office work because of the stye, increasing head cashier duties for O.C.Daisy. Daisy was still in training mode and made mistakes so she was too humble pie to do the things that irritate me.

Update: Miranda and the Gang

Miranda and her sisters came through my line today. It was Miranda's birthday! I bought lollipops for the girls as usual and I gave Miranda a second one for her special day. I let them know that I was only going to be there for two more weeks. When I told grandmother that I was a musician she told me that she went to the Eastman School of Music for voice when she was young. Awesome! She wished me luck with my career and they left to celebrate with cake and ice cream. People like Miranda and her family are what I will miss the most about working in this place.

Day Forty One

 Old Man #12

Have you ever been so tired that you cannot and should not operate machinery? That was me today. After I endangered a dozen or so lives while driving to work I attempted to handle a cash register. I screwed up A LOT. I had charged people twice for items, I entered the wrong PLU codes and I would somehow charge people for 25 of an item when they only bought 2.

In came an old man with a cap on that read "Old dude with achy breaky parts."

ME: Billy Ray Cyrus? [pointing to the old man's cap]
OLD MAN: Who?

I laughed. I kept entering the wrong PLU codes and the old man kept questioning the screen.

OLD MAN: Is that asparagus?
ME: [holding celery] I'm so sorry. I'm so tired my fingers keep hitting the wrong buttons.

This happened so many times that I had to get head cashier Patti to scan her card to allow for all the voids. She stuck around to help me bag groceries because I was going so slow. I felt so bad. This transaction took much longer than it should have.

ME: I am SO sorry sir. [I finally handed him his receipt] I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused you during this transaction.
OLD MAN: You have a wonderful smile. You could never cause me any pain.
PATTI: Woo! It's gettin' deep in here. I'm gonna need my boots!

The Cashier Exodus

Sally Spec walked up to me with a frown on her face.

SALLY: It looks like we are definitely going to have to keep our hair up from now on.
ME: What?
 

It was what I feared. She explained to me how Ryan was no longer going to be a head cashier so that he can transfer to grocery, cut his hours and attend school. O.C.Daisy was going to be the new head cashier. I tried to imagine what this new environment would be like. Tied up hair, tucked in shirts and being called "darlin" by someone who hates me. I didn't take another breath before I had resolved to submit my two week notice.

I took out a blank sheet of paper and did the very thing I criticized Heartless Lucy for doing, hand writing my letter. It was the gesture of immediately handing in a resignation at the news of Daisy's promotion that I was after. I had originally planned to stay as a cashier to the end of August.

I explained in the letter that I was offered two new jobs, one as an adjunct professor of trumpet at a state university, the other as an assistant director of music for a church. I mentioned how much I appreciated them taking me in as a cashier and how it meant more to me than simply having a job to transition me from my doctoral coursework to professional employment. Having the opportunity to interact with customers and coworkers is what I enjoyed most. I also enjoyed the exercise of writing about these interactions but I didn't admit to that in the resignation. I actually felt a slight tug in my heart strings when I handed the letter to Emmy.

EMMY: [looking at the letter, she gasped] I know what this means! You are going to start that bucket list! I do NOT want that to happen!

Oh yeah, the bucket list. I made a list in my mind of things I would do in my last days of employment. I would sometimes share this list with Emmy for a laugh.

1. Tell customers to put back items where they found them and that I would wait until they come back. This store isn't that big.
2. Rude people do not receive direct eye contact, but a look just past them to the left or the right of their faces.
3. Whenever I witnessed a parent being awful to their kid, I would complain of having a huge headache all of a sudden and that I would return after getting some aspirin.

...just to name a few. Every time something messed up happened in the store, I would add my dream reaction to the bucket list, vowing to react that way at the appropriate time. I assured Emmy that these things wouldn't happen...maybe. She reminded me that we still needed to play "Johnny Be Good" on the trumpet sometime. That would will probably never happen, but I always reply, "Yeah!"

The Best Kid, Ever

Two parents and their son came through my line today with a ton of groceries. We made the usual pleasant conversation as I rang in items. The little boy helped his mom get items out of the cart to place them on the belt. Once he finished helping he walked forward until something caught his eye: the container of organic lollipops. He stared at them for a long time. He didn't touch the container. He didn't say, "Mom, look! Can I have one?" It was obvious that he had been trained by his parents to never beg. The staring went on for several minutes and his jaw slackened as he inspected around the sides, checking out each and every flavor. It was hard to watch without laughing out loud. How was he not drooling? He moved aside so that his mom could swipe her card. I grabbed the container and pulled out all of the flavors. Instead of going to the kid though, I looked at the mom first.

ME: Your kid is one of the best behaved kids I have ever seen.
MOM: Thank you!
ME: I would like to offer him a lollipop, is that okay?
MOM: Yes!

I thought I had already seen this kid's eyes open as wide as they could. I was wrong. He looked at the lollipops as though this flavor decision would be life altering. He chose watermelon. He said thank you without the parents prompting him to say so. Amazing parents. Amazing kid.

Carbs

The latte I drank before work had worn off and I became more tired than when my shift started. Lines were getting long when a group of skinny pre-teen girls came into my line. They only had a couple of snacks. One of the girls was checking nutritional information on the back of a pack of candy before she was going to let me scan it. She made a comment about how many carbs were in her food item. The other girl made a disapproving moan. She told me she was going to replace the item with something else really quick and that she would be back. I watched them both hurry off as I turned around to face Sally Spec.

ME: That fatless fetus is checking carbs. WHY AMERICA?!

I wasn't aware of how far my booming man voice had carried. There was an echo. Customers in my line and Sally's line stared at me. Some laughed. I didn't mean to say it that loudly. The girls came back and just bought flavored water. They put away all of their foods. I didn't know what to say. On one hand I was happy that they put the food away themselves. On the other hand, I wish those girls knew that they weren't going to gain a pound from the snacks they were going to buy. In addition to the small pack of candy they were going to buy a small pack of fruit snacks and a small four pack of Lucy's gluten free, dairy free cookies. As one who is experienced in being previously fat (to clarify, a person who has (several times) come down from having too large a body mass index for her height and gender through exercise and good diet), I can say that without a doubt they would have been fine. They hardly looked like they were being fed in the first place. I shook my head and moved on to the next customer.

Day Forty

Update: Miranda and the Gang

My favorite trio of kids came into my line today. They greeted me as they usually do. I will be in the middle of checking out some a customer and then out of nowhere a kid will scream, "HI MIRANDA!" That's how I see these girls each time. I grabbed the nearest container of lollipops and I let them choose whatever flavor they want. Today they were accompanied by their grandma.

ME: How has your morning gone?
GRANDMOTHER: Oh, same as usual. We get up, do some exercise, we go to the store and then we go home and do some reading.

I love that they are active with their grandparents. I learned that the other girls' names are Sunny and Eva. Miranda, of course, is not a hard name to remember. I imagine the girls live with their grandparents. I wondered about the girls' parents. Maybe they just stay with the grandparents during the day while the parents work. Maybe the parent have died. Whatever the case, I would never dare ask such a personal question to strangers. I was happy that the kids are happy though. Their grandparents seem so nice.

Instant Cheer

A woman and her husband came into my line.

ME: Hi! How are you today?
WOMAN: Ugh, Don't ask. I am having the worst day ever.
ME: Uh oh.

She definitely looked like she was having the worst day ever. She had her head buried in her hands while I scanned and weighed groceries. I wanted to help.

ME: Ma'am, may I show you something that I think will cheer you up? If it doesn't then I swear I will leave you alone.
WOMAN: Okay, sure.

I ran over to the magazines on register 2, pulled out Bark magazine and opened it to the feature on Seth Casteel's Underwater Dogs. I handed the magazine over to the unhappy woman and showed her pictures that looked like this:

and this:

She laughed.

WOMAN: That is pretty hilarious.
ME: Did it cheer you up a little?
WOMAN: Yes it did.

The woman's husband came over and she showed him the pictures. He laughed too. Dogs are the best. It's hard to be completely unhappy around dogs, or even while looking at pictures of them like these. I am the owner of two beautiful, silly dogs. I am never unhappy for long while they are around. I feed, walk and play with them, they love me in return and I smile. I decided that I should keep that Bark magazine handy for the next customer who was having a bad day.

A Word of Advice

Do not playfully use military jargon in front of a war veteran. A man came into my line wearing an Air Force cap.

ME: You served in the Air Force?
MAN: Yes, I served in Vietnam.
ME: Thank you for your service. You must have some amazing stories.
MAN: Yes I do. I had to have my heel sewn back on.

I was very aware of my foot all of a sudden. The veteran asked me for a pen which he placed on the check writing counter. It rolled off and fell to the ground. Whenever that happens, whenever anyone drops anything, I say what I said to this veteran.

ME: Oh no! Man down!

The veteran bent down and picked up his pen, then shook his head while he wrote his check.

Stupid Miranda.

Day Thirty Nine

Update: Elvira

I was tremendously drowsy from taking a large dose of Benadryl last night. I didn't have time to make coffee or stop by Starbucks for a latte, so I settled for coffee samples at work. I was looking half dead, waiting for the breakfast blend to kick in when Elvira walked by my register. She stopped in front of me and gave me a funny look.

ELVIRA: Let me take a picture.

She pulled an imaginary camera out of her pocket and held it up to her face to capture the memory of my looking awful. I played along as if it were a zombie photoshoot.

ELVIRA: Smile!

I slackened my jaw.

ELVIRA: Beautiful.

Elvira being sarcastic? That's new. She has been super pleasant to be around lately. I think I am finally on her good side. Maybe she will let me help bag her groceries now.

Egypt

A beautiful (probably eternally youthful) woman with olive skin came into my line. We did the usualy greet and chat about the day. At one point she looked at my name tag.

WOMAN: Miranda. That is the name of one of my cousins in Egypt who I have not seen in 25 years.
ME: You must miss her.
WOMAN: I do.
ME: Well aren't things better in Egypt now? Maybe you can see her!
WOMAN: I wouldn't travel there now. The post-revolution in Egypt is messy.

We talked more about her family in Egypt. I shared my stories about traveling to India to see my family.

ME: Indians are a beautiful people but there are things that still need fixing in that country. Like bride burning.
WOMAN: Tell me about it. In my country if a man's shirt was burned with an iron, someone would die because of it. I thought, 'What is this stupidity?' So I moved to a better place. That was the only solution. We are lucky to live here.

She is right.

New Rules

More new rules? Mad Kathy informed me that when we are not cashiering we are to stand in front of our registers, like at other stores. Yeah, I will not be doing that. Walking in and out of our registers is a pain because two cashiers are in one pod of registers, there is only one small exit space and there are grocery baggers to climb over. That is one too many obstacles to get to the front of my register. I would hate to do this over and over all day only to find out that someone has seen me already and was on his or her way to check out wit me. There are only EIGHT registers. This isn't a super large corporate chain where a customer has 30 cashiers to choose from. If someone wants to buy their groceries, they will not have to travel far to find an open one. If a customer finds himself at a busy line, is in a rush and refuses to make the effort of rotating his head 30 degrees to find an available cashier, it is his fault...

...or maybe I am rationalizing because I am lazy and am apathetic to the new rule. A little of column A, a little of column B.

Sarah Palin

A woman walked into my line who looked EXACTLY like Sarah Palin. I couldn't help myself.


ME: Do people tell you that you look exactly like Sarah Palin?
WOMAN: All of the time. I even had this haircut and hairstyle before she came into the limelight.
ME: I'm kind of sad that you don't sound like her.
WOMAN: Sorry to disappoint you.
ME: I was sad when she didn't run for president because I was hoping to see more Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live.
WOMAN: Before everyone said I look like Sarah Palin they all said I look like Tina Fey.
ME: I wish some woman would run for president that looks like Kristen Wiig. That would be some comedy.
WOMAN: But what kind of woman would be good for a presidential run?
ME: I think the kind of woman I would want to vote for as president would not actually make a good presidential candidate. Not at the moment anyway. She would be too good of a person to be in Washington. She would be targeted by all of the backwards people in our country and all of the men who can't stand working for a woman.
WOMAN: She would have to be manipulative, that is for sure.
ME: Sadly enough.

Touchscreen Generation

For months now, I have watched people prod and poke the hell out of our non-touchscreen credit card reader. It is like watching a monkey try to get a banana out of a locked box. These people do everything but smash the card reader into the ground. I decided to fashion a small sign out of receipt paper to help my customers out. The sign read, "This is not an iPhone. Please use the electronic pen (I drew an arrow indicating its location) to make selections on the screen. The green "Yes" button is on the lower right hand side of the reader. DO NOT press the red button unless you want to cancel the transaction. Thank you."

I placed the sign on top of the reader. It helped everyone! For the next few hours, no one had problems with the credit card reader. No one prodded the shit of the non-touchscreen. Miracle of miracles! A couple of my customers and fellow cashiers saw the sign and laughed.

After a few hours, the Infamous Patti came up to me and removed the sign from my credit card reader.

PATTI: What is this? You can't have this up here!

She laughed and handed me the sign back. Silly old-fashioned Patti. This isn't hurting anyone! It's helping. After she left I put the sign back on. Patti came back about an hour later and took it down.

PATTI: Why did you put this back up? Roz told me to take it down and then you put it back up! You're going to get me in trouble! She is going to think that I am not listening to her!
ME: Oh! I didn't know that Roz told you to take it down! I'm sorry!
PATTI: Yes, Roz. Don't get me in trouble!

I felt bad. I liked Patti. I didn't want her to get in any trouble. I threw away the sign and watched as my customers continued to stab my credit card reader and cancel their transactions on accident. So much for clarity.

The Anti-Mexican

A woman came through my line who was checking stickers and labels on each one of her produce items.

WOMAN: Is there any way I can find out which vegetables and fruits do not come from Mexico without having to fish through that entire section? Is there a list anywhere?
ME: I don't think so. I buy mostly organic food. Whatever I buy that isn't organic are foods that no matter how or where they are grown, they are least likely to have a high amount of pesticide or chemical residues like asparagus, bananas or avocados. They can come from Mexico.
WOMAN: Organic food is too expensive and I'm not buying anything from Mexico.

I bit my tongue and decided not to waste my breath on this woman any longer. She bought her non-Mexican groceries and left.

Pesticides are everywhere, in every country. Some of the more dangerous pesticide-laden fruits and veggies to buy in conventional form are only dangerous to buy from Mexico because, in summary: Some forms of pesticide that were once available in the US became illegal for use here because its poisonous carcinogenic residues remained on plants well into the post rinse. What did the pesticide companies do? Export the pesticide to foreign countries like Mexico. Then what do American grocers do? Import  fruits and vegetables from the very farms that bought our outlawed pesticides! How fucked up is that?

Again, this doesn't make ALL conventional fruits and veggies from Mexico potentially dangerous for consumption as I don't know which farmers in Mexico are growing their fruits and vegetables responsibly. The same damn thing could be said for farmers in America! I have read up on the 'conventional vs. organic' food topic quite a bit. What is safe? Buying organic forms of conventional fruits and veggies that tend to be high in pesticide residues like strawberries, apples, spinach and potatoes. Buy conventional  forms of fruits and veggies that don't absorb the pesticides as much like asparagus, bananas, avocados and Brussels sprouts. There are LOADS sources on this topic that draw the same conclusion about produce that the anti-Mexican woman is apparently unwilling to search for or read. I shake my head.

Of course organic food is expensive. It is cheaper than ever because it is the fastest growing sector of the food market. All sorts of large food corporations are jumping on this band wagon. There are honest farmers out there that do grow their food responsibly but they can't afford the USDA organic label. Unfortunately, producing and selling organic food  in America is costly. This is because integrity is not an industry standard. Money is in charge to the point of being a god. There are some extremely powerful people in charge of the food industry, in charge of many underpaid farmers, who are driven by multi-millions of dollars and they don't give a damn about who is ingesting what carcinogen. Then there is the GMO debate. Ugh. Read and watch documentaries about the food industry. Buy organic.

Off soapbox.

Day Thirty Eight

Update: Cake Eyes

It was 8am and I was alone with Cake Eyes on the front end. While checking out my own customers I listened to how she talked with her customers. She seemed to know her customers personally and she made good conversation with them. It makes sense. There are probably shoppers that come into the store on fixed days at fixed times. Cake Eyes is the only person who gets a fixed schedule, no wonder she has a lot of regulars. She opens the store at 7am and leaves at 2pm, Monday through Friday.

An hour later, Mad Kathy came in and we were discussing how I slammed my finger in my car door the previous night. It was bruised and I couldn't bend it. I took Advil for the pain but it didn't seem to work.

ME: I do have hydrocodone at home.
KATHY: That stuff works.
ME: Yeah I should take that, then I would be really entertaining at work.
CAKE EYES: [walked over to us] Did someone say hydrocodone?
ME: Yes. My finger is super bruised. I'm in extreme pain.
CAKE EYES: I take hydrocodone twice a day.
ME: Egads! Why do you take that much hydrocodone?
CAKE EYES: I have a bunch of rods and metal in my lower back. I can't stand for long.
ME: How did that happen?
CAKE EYES: When I was young I was a cheerleader. I practiced every day and every night. I jumped and I jumped and I tumbled millions of times over and over for years and years. I loved it but it messed up my back.
ME: Did you cheer in college?
CAKE EYES: No, but I did teach elementary school cheerleaders. I loved it.

Customers came along and cut our conversation short. Cake Eyes, cheerleader for life? She does still look like a cheerleader, just old with tons of eye shadow. She wears a khaki skirt and her hair in a ponytail everyday. Cheerleader. After her shift she came through my line with her usual two large bottles of Chardonnay. Chardonnay with hydrocodone. How the hell is she NOT in a coma?

ME: So when were you born?
CAKE EYES: I was born in 1955.
ME: Ah, you were a teen in the 70s. Did you wear bell bottoms?
CAKE EYES: Oh yeah, bell bottoms and flower power! Woo! [I handed her receipt and she walked off]

I was concerned for Cake Eyes but I was also glad that we were getting along better. I'm so glad that drugs and 70s fashion have allowed us to bond.

More New Rules

Roz came up to me to share the new attendance policy with me, which was probably inspired by me.


ROZ: New attendance rule. If you're late 8 times, you get an instant final warning. One more tardy after that? Your employment will be terminated.
ME: 8 times? Sheesh.
ROZ: If this was a rule before now, you would be in trouble.

True. I really should try to make it to work on time. The only fishy thing was, I never heard Roz share this new rule with anyone else. I also didn't have to sign anything indicating that I am aware of the new rule. Maybe they really just wanted me to show up on time and they were sending higher ups to scare me with more strict fake rules. Cute.

A Word of Advice:

Don't joke about cancer with the elderly.


ME: Hi! How is your morning going?
OLD LADY: Lovely! How about yours?
ME: Mine is great too! I got up early and walked the dogs. The weather is so nice before the sun comes up.
OLD LADY: I agree.
ME: It's nice to be outdoors without worrying that I going to get skin cancer. [I laughed]

She stopped talking to me. I felt like an ass. What if she had skin cancer? Her parents? Her friends? Stupid Miranda.

Update: Ryan and Sally Spec

Sally Spec came in with makeup on! She never wears make up. She has the kind of clean pretty face that doesn't need makeup.

ME: Your makeup looks nice!
SALLY: Yeah, Ryan (her boyfriend, our head cashier) has to work a 12 hour shift today. He is so tired already from working so much that I knew he would be in a bad mood, so I decided to look nice. I made his lunch and I baked him cookies.
ME: Girlfriend of the year!
SALLY: Yeah, I like him.

I watched whenever Sally and Ryan were talking by themselves. I saw Ryan smiling at Sally like he thinks she is the best girl ever. They are sweet.

Old Lady #12

An old lady bought groceries from my line and walked off to her car with her cart after checking out. A minute later she ran back in holding a bag of carrots.


OLD LADY: I'm so sorry dear. I almost stole these. Whew!
ME: A dollar of carrots? You crook!
OLD LADY: If ever go to jail, I'm going to go for a real reason.

Richard Gere: Part Three

Copycat went on break and she came through my line to buy some food. Every time Copycat buys things from my register, she greets me the exact same way even if she greeted me the same way three times that day so far.


COPYCAT: Hi. How are you doing today?
ME: You already greeted me that way. Greet me another way.
COPYCAT: Okay. [she thought for a while and nervously laughed] I don't know!
ME: You could say, "Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?"
COPYCAT: Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?
ME: Target! Can you believe it?
COPYCAT: Wow. I like it.
ME: Do you shop at Target?
COPYCAT: Sometimes I do with my sister.

That's when, behind Copycat's head, I saw Richard Gere walk in with basket in hand. I wanted to vomit. I finished my transaction with Copycat and timed out when exactly this sex addict-cheater-jerk would walk through my line. He is on a juicing diet so it wouldn't take him more than five minutes to gather whatever vegetables he needed. I waited three minutes and then I hid in the front office. Ryan came by.

RYAN: What are you doing?
ME: I'm hiding from someone.
RYAN: Who?
ME: This guy who cheated on one of my friends by soliciting sex to strangers, he is trying find out how my friend is doing through me and the very sight of him makes me want to vomit.

The manager-on-duty, named Jay, walked in.

JAY: What are you doing?
RYAN: She is hiding from someone.
JAY: Do we need to beat someone up?

I considered it.

ME: No. He needs to be paid no attention. I'm going to keep hiding.

I peaked out of the door. Richard Gere was in Crazy Red Head Vegan's line. I'm sure he was charming her in some way. Blech. I continued to hide. A minute later I looked and noticed he had left CRV's line. The coast was clear. I walked out of the office at the same time I noticed Richard Gere walking back to CRV's register. He had forgotten something. "Oh shit!" I thought and I broke into a sprint, running into the kitchen 20 feet to the left. I remained there for several minutes. There was no way Richard Gere would have missed seeing me running away at the sight of him. I might as well have stayed at my register and told him to his face that I don't want to talk to him...but this works too.

Day Thirty Seven

Update: No Shit Talking Rule

The "No Shit Talking" rule had been in effect for a little over a week. I was loving it. So were some of my fellow employees. I don't have to talk about other people behind their backs to be entertained at work, but I know that some of the younger employees have a harder time with this rule. The no shit talking rule happened because of serial shit-talking old ladies like O.C.Daisy and Cake Eyes, but young people like Sally Spec and Crazy Red Head Vegan had to work to talk about other things than the grumbling old ladies at work. Banshee (who is, by the way, looking more and more pregnant but apparently is not pregnant) told me that the new rule was drawing fire from angry older cashiers. I responded to Banshee by giving her a high five. The cashiers are going to grow up, damn it.

Rude Judy and the Central Market Boys

An unhappy looking woman came into my line with her sons. They had a ton of Central Market reusable bags that they handed to me to pack what would have been an insanely large amount of groceries. Thankfully, Sweet Nate came along to help me with this one. I began to ring in the food items, when I looked at the unhappy woman.

ME: Cheer up! Life is not THAT bad.

No response. I continued to scan groceries and attempted to talk to her again.

ME: Have any fun plans this weekend?

No response again. Maybe she was having a bad day. No smiling for this lady, not today. Nate began to bag the groceries and the unhappy lady started to order him around, telling him what to put in each bag. She took certain items out of certain bags and Nate had to correct the bag organization. Why didn't she just bag all of this her damn self? Why couldn't she get one of her useless sons to help so she can yell at one of them instead of my guy? She continued to speak condescendingly to Sweet Nate, which began to make me mad. Nate was annoyed but continued to help and be the only thing he knows how to be: nice. I couldn't figure out what her problem was. Some people have a bad day, but they tend to express their frustrations about the day. Some people are tired and don't feel like talking, but they aren't bitches about it. Some people experience loss or tragedy but still need their groceries. I can sense when people are sad, their expressions are morose and gloomy. I couldn't figure this one out. She was bossy, mean, unhappy and obsessive compulsive about what goes in what bag. The only thing I could imagine was that she was a recent divorcee...or soon to be.

After what seemed like an eternity of this bullshit, the transaction was finally over. After she paid, I tried one more time to talk to her.

ME: Here is your receipt. Have a nice day.

She didn't respond, she took the receipt and began walking away. After walking away five feet, I said one last thing.

ME: Next time use the word 'PLEASE'.

Bitch.

Buster and the Mayor of Crazyville

A relatively new grocery bagger, named Buster, seems to like bagging groceries for me. I noticed that he doesn't volunteer to bag for many other cashiers. I think he is dismissed by the others. He is kind of a lazy person and has to be constantly reminded of what to do, probably because he hates his job and doesn't want to do it, but he always seems to jump up to my register first when it gets busy. I do always make sure to include him in the conversation with customers, maybe that's why he is always willing to help me out.

This lady came into my line that was on her cell phone yelling at whoever was on the other side of the conversation. I ignored whatever she was saying and began to ring in her groceries while Buster helped bag. The woman finally got off the phone, dramatically scoffing and sighing.

BUSTER: Ma'am I began bagging in plastic. Is that okay or would you like paper?
WOMAN: [points at Buster] When you get married, you LISTEN to your wife!
ME: Ma'am? This is Buster, not your husband. Don't yell at him.
WOMAN: I just speak sternly. I never yell at people.
ME: You can stop pointing at him too, ma'am.

The crazy woman put her arm down and laughed...and for once, Buster wished he wasn't helping me.

Update: Cute Guy Maybe (Not Really)

My manager gave me an envelope during my shift. It was a birthday card (delivered two weeks late) from the president of the company, the father of Cute Guy. It seemed like forever ago that Cute Guy quit. I wondered how he was doing, how drunk he might be at that very moment, and how uninvolved or unaware his dad was of CG's suffering (Cute Guy's mom died in the past year). I hoped Cute Guy was doing alright, wherever he was.

Lazy Susan

A couple came into my line with a small basket of groceries. It was mostly the guy's groceries. The girl went second and only had a couple of things.

GIRL: I don't want these. [she hands me a bunch of grapes]
GUY: Just put those back yourself, it's right there [he motioned to a place ten feet away]
GIRL: She can put it back. [motioning to me]
GUY: [rolled his eyes, shaking his head]

After the guy's transaction was over I began to ring in the girl's groceries.

GIRL: I got $5.39 in cashews? Is that right?
ME: Yes. They are $8.99 a pound.
GIRL: Put it back. I am not paying five dollars for that.
ME: I can't put it back. Once you take food out of the bulk bins they are either purchased or thrown away. Never put back.
GIRL: I'm not going to get them.
GUY: Wow. [shaking his head]

Wow, indeed. How hard is it to check the price or use the scales available in the bulk section? What a wasteful, lazy person. Now I am throwing away $5 of cashews someone else could have eaten. Even her boyfriend thinks she is an embarrassment.

Scream Train

It was close to the end of the night when I heard it. Screaming. Happy screaming, but screaming nonetheless. The screamer was mobile. I looked toward the back of the store and could not locate the source. It went on for 20 minutes. I had to tend to customers and the screaming continued. Whatever it was, I was sure its head was rotating over its shoulders and an exorcism would have to take place.

Finally the screamer and his enabler came into view with his family to check out groceries in JV's line. An adult man was chasing around what looked like a two year old boy. The boy was adorable, but the screaming was not. The mother noticed all of us glaring and tried to ask the adult man to stop. He continued to make the kid scream and run around. I began to feel my head throbbing in pain. I blamed the mother. This was mostly the fault of the stupid adult male, but if the mother had a spine she could shut that shit down if she wanted to. They finally left when I saw my next customers. Two men and an adorable QUIET little girl. I pulled a quarter out of my pocket and made a quick transaction before helping these men out. I grabbed my container of lollipops and looked to the girl.

ME: For being so good and so quiet, you get to have a lollipop!
DAD: Ooh! What do you say?
GIRL: [in the softest whisper] Thank you!

Update: J.V.

My coworkers were pretty pleasant to be around today. I had some good conversations with JV, CRV and Gaythan toward the end of the night. JV has improved character-wise, but was still slightly arrogant. No customers were around. We were bored and JV began drumming on his counter.

ME: Are you a drummer?
JV: No.
ME: Were you ever a drummer or any kind of musician?
JV: No, but my mom teaches piano.
ME: So you grew up hearing music?
JV: Yup. If piano is the first instrument you play, it makes any other instrument easier to play.
ME: That is true, but only to a point with some students.
JV: Not true.

What the hell do I know?

ME: Can you think of any possible flaws of learning to play piano first?
 JV: There are none.
ME: Yes there are. Think.
JV: [no response]
ME: When you touch a key on a piano, a pitch WILL come out. If a student is impatient and expects sound production to be as easy on a wind instrument or when singing, that can result in problems like too much air pressure, overly tight musculature, use of unnecessary muscles, or hyper-phonation.
JV: [begins to walk away to count down his till with Patti] Percussion doesn't have to worry about that. No lungs!
ME: You are abandoning the original argument!

He disappeared behind the office doors. Eventually he left and Patti walked up to me.

ME: I think he thinks that because his mother is a musician, that he is an authority on the subject as well.  Like it's hereditary.
PATTI: [laughing] After you said the last thing you said and the door shut, [JV] said, "God! She is just like me. She always has to have the last word."

We laughed. It's true. I do always like to have the last word. I'm sure it's irritating. Nobody is perfect.

Day Thirty Six

First Written Warning

Upon arrival I was notified that I had received my first warning. I had to sign and confirm that I had received this warning because my till was $10 over the previous day. This means someone did not get their change back. I felt bad about that. My first verbal warning was a money issue as well. Money issues. I am yet to be warned or reprimanded officially for being late...more than 30 times.

Observation

Whenever big grocery stores have giant sales, Hawaiian decor is always involved. Every time. The employees wear flowered leis and palm trees go up everywhere. Who started this trend anyway? Do sales whisk us away to a wonderful place where we have not a care in the world? No. Does anyone ever end up saving enough for a Hawaiian vacation? No. Yet, the bright colors and fake ocean sounds somehow make us all of a sudden covet this lower priced thing we don't need. Only in America. Just an observation.

Mad Kathy and Buffalo Lady

Buffalo Lady came into the my checkout line. The store wasn't very busy so I was happy to give her all of the attention in the world. The cashier next to me, a cool older lady named Kathy, joined in the conversation as well. Buffalo Lady spoke exuberantly, again seamlessly weaving through unrelated topics like depression drugs (she takes Cymbalta), people who love to climb like this guy named Chad (that she knows), social mixers at brain injury conferences, roller coasters and cat sitters. I am sure I am leaving something out. All we did was smile and nod, egging her on to keep talking. Eventually more customers came along so that brought Buffalo Lady's senseless monologue to an end. We said our goodbyes and Buffalo Lady skipped along happy as a clam. Kathy then turned to me.

KATHY: She reminds me of when I used to take acid. [she smiled]
MIRANDA: [I laughed] Acid?
KATHY: No, I'm kidding. I never took acid.  I took amphetamines. [she walked away to help a customer]

Stingwich: Day Three

The same two suspects from yesterday came to work today. Tomorrow we all get paid, so maybe they are out of money and a little hungry. I worked early and decided to leave the sandwich in the fridge. Maybeit would disappear by the next day. I'm crossed my fingers.


Update: Jacob

Jacob walked up to me when things weren't busy. He sang me this song:

He told me this is our song now. I think I'm officially Jacob's work hag. I love about gay boys. If you're looking for someone to dance and sing with they are always down. They are just happy and a joy to be around. You can't say that about everybody. Jacob worked at the register across from me today, which put me in a good mood until this one customer came into his line. She was fine until Jake asked her how she was doing that day.

WOMAN: I am just great! Are you going to Chick Fil-A today? That's where I'm going!

Jacob went silent. Today was "Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day." Loads of people would file into Chick Fil-A today to support a company that was openly against same sex marriage. I looked at Jacob's face. He was hurt. He didn't say a word to her until he handed her a receipt.

JACOB: Have a nice day.

Jacob frowned at me then looked down. I was enraged. A grocery store is not a place for politics. It is a place where people of all beliefs, backgrounds and orientations should be able to walk into to fulfill a basic need in life: to feed oneself. It just so happens to be a very HUGE thing we all have in common. Grocery stores, in my mind, celebrate what we have in common. Jacob was kind to that woman even though I bet he didn't want to be. I wanted to grab that woman by the hair and lead her out of the store before I kicked her out on her ass as I would scream, "Keep your Fox News bullshit at home, heifer!"

Alas, I did no such thing. I looked at Jacob.

ME: You okay?
JACOB: No.
ME: Did she say she is going to Chick Fil-A?
JACOB: Yeah.
ME: Then she'll die soon. You can marry who you want after that. It wont be long.

He smiled. That was all I needed to see.

Update: Heartless Lucy

I found Lucy writing a letter. She told me it was her two week notice. I have never heard of anyone handwriting a two week notice. Apparently the manager said that handwritten letters are okay. Lucy told me she hated this job and couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. I usually can't stant hearing Lucy talk, but I asked her why she hated her cashier job so much. She said it didn't pay much and she was always tired. She was moving north to Denton, TX so she could be closer to school and the drive would be too much. I then asked her about her dog she was giving up. She found it a home, thank goodness. Hopefully the new owner would take much better care of this puppy than she did. That was the only reason I chatted up with Lucy, to make sure the dog was okay. I couldn't care less about her complaints and I can't say I'm sad that she is leaving.

Old Lady #11

I was hungry and kind of tired by the time this old lady came into my line. As I packed her groceries her bottle of wine slipped out of my hand and fell into the bag, slamming against the counter. The boom caused me to shout at the old lady.

ME: OH MY GOD!
OLD LADY: [covering her ears] Oh!
ME: I am so so so sorry! I didn't mean to yell. That just startled me and woke me up!
OLD LADY: Oh I understand! I wish I had something to wake me up like that on my last hand of bridge!

I stopped bagging to laugh. Who else would say something like that but an old lady?

Grumpy Gill

Grumpy Gill was the one who hired me to be a cashier. He was very personable when I met him. He seemed like he loved his job, like he loved being a manager and that he really believed in the company. I like working for people like that. Somehow I felt that the only person I was truly letting down was Gill. I felt like every tardy made him more and more disappointed in me. No matter how many times I would smile at him and say hello, he never genuinely smiled back. I knew that he knew I could do better. I did like this job and I would show up on time if they weren't so lenient.

Today was different though. Grumpy Gill walked up to my line to help bag groceries. He smiled at me and said hello! He asked me how I was doing and I told him I was great! He said, "Great!" This was so huge. Gill had not smiled at me in a month. I had no idea what made him so happy at that moment, but I was glad he had some joy. He is usually so super serious. I decided from then on that I would make more honest attempts to try to care to be on time. Gill's smiles are rare but so wonderful to see. The effort to be more punctual would be worth another one of those smiles.

Day Thirty Five

STFU

Today, as I was checking out a customer a woman in another line was talking on her cell phone, VERY LOUDLY. I tried to ignore it but she was so loud that I couldn't engage in a conversation with the customer in front of me. I stared at her cashier, JV, who shot me a similarly annoyed look back. I eventually shouted as loud as this woman to try to get a point across.

ME: [yelling] OKAY MA'AM. YOUR TOTAL IS $12.76!
[she swiped the card]
ME: [still yelling] CREDIT OR DEBIT?!!

Nothing. No reaction from the loud woman, she just kept talking really fucking loudly. My customer and all the other customers were annoyed. How deaf was the person on the other end? Eventually, a golden opportunity came along. She turned enough to be in my line of sight. I waved my hand to catch her full attention. Once I had it, I brought my pointer finger to my lips.

ME: Shh!

She was all of a sudden aware of how loud she was being. She looked around and saw all of the people around her glaring at her. She apologized and quieted down. JV smiled at me and my customer laughed, telling me, "Good job."

Old Man #11

An old man and his wife came into my line with a dark roasted turkey that rang up for $8.99. He immediately shot off to check the price and came back to tell me that it rang up wrong.

ME: Sorry about that. I'll give it to you for $6.99
OLD MAN: Don't make it sound like you're doing me any favors.
ME: You're right. No favors for you.

He was grouchy and unamused by my last comment. After leaving, this man came back in. I was almost expecting him to tell the manager that I was rude but instead, he said that his wife lost her prescription sunglasses. My manager looked in lost and found and saw nothing. A minute later another customer came up to me and said said that someone left their sunglasses in a cart. I laughed. Not doing him any favors, huh?

I took the glasses, walked over to the old man and asked him if these were the one he was looking for. He looked at me with gratitude and said yes, that they were very expensive. He thanked me a couple of times then left. He acted nothing like the man who went through my line. He smiled, he was gracious. Why couldn't he be that way from the start? 

Day Thirty Four

New Rules

It had been a while since my behavior had inspired new rules to be enforced. As I walked up to my register at the beginning of my shift, Patti stopped me to let me know that there are new rules concerning cell phones at registers. Cell phones used to be allowed in our drawers or in our pockets but lately, employees (meaning me) have been checking texts and browsing the web at the register too much. Patti was so cute, she tried to open the employee manual and show me a highlighted sentence where cell phones are not permitted.

ME: Patti, you really don't have to do that.
PATTI: I was told I had to show everyone that line.
ME: Let's pretend you did.
PATTI: Now they are saying they will give you a written warning if you are caught with your cell phone at a register!
ME: Patti. If they fired me at this point they would be doing me a favor.

Patti laughed and dropped the manual on my register. I'm assuming this rule was enforced by one of the old ladies. Probably O.C.Daisy. Good for her, trying to take this job so seriously. I'll be sure to ruin her efforts.

Old Lady #9

ME: How are you today?
OLD LADY: I'm good as long as it doesn't rain before I get home.
ME: Is it going to rain today?
OLD LADY: My knees say it's going to rain.
ME: Your knees?
OLD LADY: Yes.
ME: It looks sunny outside. Are you sure your knees didn't mean sunny or partly cloudy?
OLD LADY: 100% chance of rain.

It rained that afternoon.

Update: Ryan

Ryan was one of the head cashiers today. He used to be in the army, which is a blessing and a curse. Boot camp and his super disciplined workout regimen gave him one of those fat-less muscle-y bodies that inspires a slack-jawed stare, even in an ugly green t-shirt. The downside to his being in the army is the way he lets everyone out on break. To Ryan, you are on break as soon as he says so. To Ryan, it is your fault if you kill your break time cleaning up your register before you go into the store or the employee's lounge. To Ryan, If you're on a 15 minute break, you start walking back at 13.5 minutes. To Ryan, lunches are 30 minutes and NO LESS. You will be paged if you are a second late.

I like Ryan, I really do. We usually laugh a lot and are pretty chummy but today when he walked over to me mid-sandwich to tell me my break was over, I couldn't help but chew slower, move slower and take a few extra seconds to stretch, slowly. Cashier jobs are hard on the back and even if you make your own lunch or snacks, the breaks never seem long enough. Not all of us have Apollo's belt to help us stand up for eight hours a day. My lunches lately began to seem more and more like 25 minutes and breaks were more like ten, so I made a point of announcing to Ryan what the clock on my phone says before I walk away.

ME: It's 3:40PM and I am going on my break now.
RYAN: It's actually 3:42 and your break started at 3:40.
ME: It's 3:40PM and my body officially went of break as of right now.
RYAN: Two minutes ago.
ME: I'll be back at 3:55, whatever that means to your watch.

When I came back, he said I was a minute late and I told him his watch is fast. Ryan is a hard working, punctual, ultra disciplined 20 year-old in the Army, I get it. I think it's so adorable that he wants to apply these qualities at his job. I'm sure this disciplinary business will get him somewhere someday, but for now I'll be here to patronize him every time he wants to shave a minute off my breaks.

Old Lady and Old Man #10

An elderly couple came into my line. The old man was in a motorized cart.

OLD MAN: Remember me? I was sitting over there watching you eat!
OLD LADY: Stop creeping the girl out.
OLD MAN: I was just waiting for you to finish shopping, she was eating over there where I was waiting. [he looks to me] She takes forever.
OLD LADY: Every time I thought I was done you told me to get something else!
OLD MAN: And you took a long time getting it!
ME: Cut it out kids or I will turn this car around!

They stopped, they laughed and they forgot one more thing, of course.

Credit Debbie

A little girl came into my line with a bunch of candy from the bulk section. After I gave her the total, she handed me a credit card.

ME: Did your mom or dad hand you this credit card to use here?
GIRL: [spoken with snoot] Actually it's MY credit card.


This girl looked no older than eight years old. I couldn't help but think this was a scene from Home Alone. She had a little bit of makeup on and was wearing a black t-shirt with "Lights, Camera, FABULOUS!" written in pink glitter on the front. Interesting. Maybe her parents are letting her play "adult" and putting a little bit of money on a prepaid card. Maybe this kid's parents are well to do and swiping a credit card is the most strenuous activity this girl will have to do until she grows old. Either way, where are this little kid's parents?