Update: Cake Eyes
I came into work lacking the usual amount of energy to give half of a damn. I needed coffee. I found as many excuses as I could to return unwanted grocery items so that I could drink a ton of coffee samples. Everytime I left my register I got the stink-eye from Cake Eyes. I later observed her interactions with her customers. She was so sweet and personable. It seemed genuine. It didn't make sense that she hated me so much.
After her shift was over, Cake Eyes came through my line. She purchased two huge bottles of wine and some dog treats.
ME: Dog treats! What kind of dogs do you have?
CAKE EYES: Husky mixes.
ME: How pretty! I have mixes too.
CAKE EYES: What kind?
ME: A lab mix and a German shepherd mix. They were rescues.
CAKE EYES: Mine were adopted too. It is the right thing to do.
I handed her receipt over, she smiled and said goodbye. Did our bonding over dogs make her hate me less? Could this be peace at last? I sure hope so.
Miranda & the Gang
An elderly lady came through my line with three young girls. The oldest of the little girls moved ahead of her sisters to stand infront of me. She pointed at my name tag.
LITTLE GIRL: My name is Miranda too!
ME: [Gasp!] That means you are also awesome!
MIRANDA: Uh huh! [she nodded]
I asked the usual round of questions I ask little kids in the summer. What grade are you in? Do you miss school? What's your favorite subject? What is the most fun thing you have done all summer? While they talked I noticed Miranda's freckles. What an adorable kid! She could land her own Disney show if she wanted.
ME: I love your freckles!
[Miranda sinks, her smile disappeared]
GRANDMOTHER: She doesn't like her freckles.
ME: Pish posh! Freckles are the stars in the sky that fall to rest on your face! I WISH I had freckles like that!
[Miranda smiles again, shyly]
GRANDMOTHER: [in a whisper] Thank you!
I hope this little girl one day understands how pretty those freckles are. That goes for all kids with freckles. I get freckles of sorts every now and then but they are not the cute kind.
Crazy Red Head Vegan
CRV is sad...again.
I had a boost of energy from drinking a ton of coffee samples, which may have added up to a few ounces past insomnia. Having decided to use this extra energy to cheer CRV up, I walked over to bag her customer's groceries. I made a huge deal out of everything she handed me.
ME: Hold the phone...are these THE Sprouts dried cranberries?
ME: Chocolate covered banana chips?! Shut the front door!
CRV: You're a silly girl.
A half smile. Success. O.C. Daisy was working nearby and she grumbled something to CRV about some code or protocol. I was not paying attention since I tend to zone out when OCD speaks ogre. CRV's frown returned.
ME: Don't let her bother you. [I pointed to OCD, who's back was turned at the moment] It is a curse to be like her, do you understand? A curse.
[CRV nods]
ME: Let her be like that. [I made a showcasing gesture, ala Vanna White] Be happy that you are nothing like this.
CRV agreed. She resumed her work in what seemed to be a better mood. My work here was done.
Gaythan
One of the new cashiers that OCD trained the other day introduced himself to me. His name was Nathan. He used to be a manager at a Food Lion in Virginia. Everything he said began with, "When I worked at Food Lion...(bla bla bla)" That is what people do when transfer from another place (same with people in new jobs and new schools) The repetitive nature of that kind of phrase often goes unnoticed by the storyteller. Food Lion tales aside, Nathan seemed like a cool guy and he was very cute. He was, as Karen Walker from Will & Grace would say, "Gayer than a clutch purse at the Tony Awards," and he became very comfortable with me very quickly. I do love the gays. We will be sure to check out guys together.
Regifter-in-law
ME: Hi! How is your day going?
WOMAN: [sigh]
ME: That good, huh?
WOMAN: I have to cook dinner for my husband's mother.
ME: Ah, classic 'in-law' tension.
WOMAN: She hates me.
ME: That can't be true.
WOMAN: She got a free robe from a spa she went to and gave it to me for Christmas, after she had already shown me the robe before.
ME: Yikes. Her gifts to other people?
WOMAN: Thoughtful.
ME: Unacceptable. If I despised my daughter-in-law, I would never send her a regift. I may not spend much on her, but I wouldn't regift. That is rude on too obvious a level. I wouldn't want my family to actually KNOW I hated her.
I realized those words were not comforting. I urged her to drink a glass of wine before her mother-in-law arrived. She went to the back of the store to grab a cabernet sauvignon.
Old Man #8
ME: Hi there!
OLD MAN: No I'm not!
Richard Gere: Part Two
Richard Gere came into my line. YESSS....
RG: Hello!
ME: Hi! How are you doing today?
RG: Good. Just buying more vegetables. I'm doing a juice fast.
ME: Healthy.
RG: Trying to be.
So far so good.
RG: So, do you...do you play the trumpet?
...and STOP. How the fuck does this guy know that I play the trumpet?! I didn't respond right away.
ME: Uh...
RG: Do you know Lisa?
ME: Oh my god. Tom!
RG: Yeah, it's me!
ME: I played trumpet and sang at your wedding! I didn't recognize you at all! (They divorced a year ago)
RG: Yeah, well my hair is grey.
ME: The beard is gone too, huh?
RG: Yeah. Do you talk to Lisa anymore?
ME: No. (That was a lie)
RG: Melody?
ME: I don't keep in touch with any of those girls anymore. (Also a lie)
RG: Oh well. It's good to see you, I'll see you around!
ME: Yeah! Take care!
Tom walked away as I held back my vomit. Tom was married to my friend Lisa for several years. Toward the end of their marriage Lisa found out that Tom was soliciting sex to strangers and prostitutes. She found emails. It was horrifying. She had to undergo tests to make sure she didn't have a disease. I can't imagine how much therapy this whole thing required. This man that she thought was the love of her life was SCUM. It was such a horrible ordeal and here this guy is, acting like he doesn't know who I am when he knew EXACTLY who I was. I had visited the home of him and his ex-wife tons of times in the past and I look exactly the same as when he last saw me those years ago. I later found out that he had been trying to contact Lisa, trying to find excuses to see her. I am SO glad I lied. Gross.
Update: Banshee
I noticed that OCD was called into the office with our general manager for a meeting. I wondered what it was and I was scared that it involved promotion. Banshee later informed me that employees had started complaining to the GM about the older lady cashiers ruining everyone's employment experience with their grumbling and old lady ways. Specifically, they were making the younger employees feel uncomfortable by insulting fellow co-workers on a regular basis. That is why OCD was called in. Apparently, Cake Eyes was called out by our GM in a similar meeting earlier that day.
Banshee had instilled a new "No Shit Talking" rule. If any employees are caught talking shit about a fellow employee, they are to be reported. The infraction will result in an instant write up.
Ah...JUSTICE.
