Day Forty

Update: Miranda and the Gang

My favorite trio of kids came into my line today. They greeted me as they usually do. I will be in the middle of checking out some a customer and then out of nowhere a kid will scream, "HI MIRANDA!" That's how I see these girls each time. I grabbed the nearest container of lollipops and I let them choose whatever flavor they want. Today they were accompanied by their grandma.

ME: How has your morning gone?
GRANDMOTHER: Oh, same as usual. We get up, do some exercise, we go to the store and then we go home and do some reading.

I love that they are active with their grandparents. I learned that the other girls' names are Sunny and Eva. Miranda, of course, is not a hard name to remember. I imagine the girls live with their grandparents. I wondered about the girls' parents. Maybe they just stay with the grandparents during the day while the parents work. Maybe the parent have died. Whatever the case, I would never dare ask such a personal question to strangers. I was happy that the kids are happy though. Their grandparents seem so nice.

Instant Cheer

A woman and her husband came into my line.

ME: Hi! How are you today?
WOMAN: Ugh, Don't ask. I am having the worst day ever.
ME: Uh oh.

She definitely looked like she was having the worst day ever. She had her head buried in her hands while I scanned and weighed groceries. I wanted to help.

ME: Ma'am, may I show you something that I think will cheer you up? If it doesn't then I swear I will leave you alone.
WOMAN: Okay, sure.

I ran over to the magazines on register 2, pulled out Bark magazine and opened it to the feature on Seth Casteel's Underwater Dogs. I handed the magazine over to the unhappy woman and showed her pictures that looked like this:

and this:

She laughed.

WOMAN: That is pretty hilarious.
ME: Did it cheer you up a little?
WOMAN: Yes it did.

The woman's husband came over and she showed him the pictures. He laughed too. Dogs are the best. It's hard to be completely unhappy around dogs, or even while looking at pictures of them like these. I am the owner of two beautiful, silly dogs. I am never unhappy for long while they are around. I feed, walk and play with them, they love me in return and I smile. I decided that I should keep that Bark magazine handy for the next customer who was having a bad day.

A Word of Advice

Do not playfully use military jargon in front of a war veteran. A man came into my line wearing an Air Force cap.

ME: You served in the Air Force?
MAN: Yes, I served in Vietnam.
ME: Thank you for your service. You must have some amazing stories.
MAN: Yes I do. I had to have my heel sewn back on.

I was very aware of my foot all of a sudden. The veteran asked me for a pen which he placed on the check writing counter. It rolled off and fell to the ground. Whenever that happens, whenever anyone drops anything, I say what I said to this veteran.

ME: Oh no! Man down!

The veteran bent down and picked up his pen, then shook his head while he wrote his check.

Stupid Miranda.

Day Thirty Two

Update: Cake Eyes

I came into work lacking the usual amount of energy to give half of a damn.  I needed coffee. I found as many excuses as I could to return unwanted grocery items so that I could drink a ton of coffee samples. Everytime I left my register I got the stink-eye from Cake Eyes. I later observed her interactions with her customers. She was so sweet and personable. It seemed genuine. It didn't make sense that she hated me so much.

After her shift was over, Cake Eyes came through my line. She purchased two huge bottles of wine and some dog treats.

ME: Dog treats! What kind of dogs do you have?
CAKE EYES: Husky mixes.
ME: How pretty! I have mixes too.
CAKE EYES: What kind?
ME: A lab mix and a German shepherd mix. They were rescues.
CAKE EYES: Mine were adopted too. It is the right thing to do.

I handed her receipt over, she smiled and said goodbye. Did our bonding over dogs make her hate me less? Could this be peace at last? I sure hope so.

Miranda & the Gang

An elderly lady came through my line with three young girls. The oldest of the little girls moved ahead of her sisters to stand infront of me. She pointed at my name tag.

LITTLE GIRL: My name is Miranda too!
ME:  [Gasp!] That means you are also awesome!
MIRANDA: Uh huh! [she nodded]

I asked the usual round of questions I ask little kids in the summer. What grade are you in? Do you miss school? What's your favorite subject? What is the most fun thing you have done all summer? While they talked I noticed Miranda's freckles. What an adorable kid! She could land her own Disney show if she wanted.

ME: I love your freckles!
[Miranda sinks, her smile disappeared]
GRANDMOTHER: She doesn't like her freckles.
ME: Pish posh!  Freckles are the stars in the sky that fall to rest on your face! I WISH I had freckles like that!
[Miranda smiles again, shyly]
GRANDMOTHER: [in a whisper] Thank you!

I hope this little girl one day understands how pretty those freckles are. That goes for all kids with freckles. I get freckles of sorts every now and then but they are not the cute kind.

Crazy Red Head Vegan

CRV is sad...again.

I had a boost of energy from drinking a ton of coffee samples, which may have added up to a few ounces past insomnia. Having decided to use this extra energy to cheer CRV up, I walked over to bag her customer's groceries. I made a huge deal out of everything she handed me.

ME: Hold the phone...are these THE Sprouts dried cranberries?
ME: Chocolate covered banana chips?! Shut the front door!
CRV: You're a silly girl.

A half smile. Success. O.C. Daisy was working nearby and she grumbled something to CRV about some code or protocol. I was not paying attention since I tend to zone out when OCD speaks ogre. CRV's frown returned.

ME: Don't let her bother you. [I pointed to OCD, who's back was turned at the moment] It is a curse to be like her, do you understand? A curse.
[CRV nods]
ME: Let her be like that. [I made a showcasing gesture, ala Vanna White] Be happy that you are nothing like this.

CRV agreed. She resumed her work in what seemed to be a better mood. My work here was done.

Gaythan

One of the new cashiers that OCD trained the other day introduced himself to me. His name was Nathan. He used to be a manager at a Food Lion in Virginia. Everything he said began with, "When I worked at Food Lion...(bla bla bla)" That is what people do when transfer from another place (same with people in new jobs and new schools) The repetitive nature of that kind of phrase often goes unnoticed by the storyteller. Food Lion tales aside, Nathan seemed like a cool guy and he was very cute. He was, as Karen Walker from Will & Grace would say, "Gayer than a clutch purse at the Tony Awards,"  and he became very comfortable with me very quickly. I do love the gays. We will be sure to check out guys together.

Regifter-in-law

ME: Hi! How is your day going?
WOMAN: [sigh]
ME: That good, huh?
WOMAN: I have to cook dinner for my husband's mother.
ME: Ah, classic 'in-law' tension.
WOMAN: She hates me.
ME: That can't be true.
WOMAN: She got a free robe from a spa she went to and gave it to me for Christmas, after she had already shown me the robe before.
ME: Yikes. Her gifts to other people?
WOMAN: Thoughtful.
ME: Unacceptable. If I despised my daughter-in-law, I would never send her a regift. I may not spend much on her, but I wouldn't regift. That is rude on too obvious a level. I wouldn't want my family to actually KNOW I hated her.

I realized those words were not comforting. I urged her to drink a glass of wine before her mother-in-law arrived. She went to the back of the store to grab a cabernet sauvignon.

Old Man #8

ME: Hi there!
OLD MAN: No I'm not!

Richard Gere: Part Two

Richard Gere came into my line. YESSS....

RG: Hello!
ME: Hi! How are you doing today?
RG: Good. Just buying more vegetables. I'm doing a juice fast.
ME: Healthy.
RG: Trying to be.

So far so good.

RG: So, do you...do you play the trumpet?

...and STOP. How the fuck does this guy know that I play the trumpet?! I didn't respond right away.

ME: Uh...
RG: Do you know Lisa?
ME: Oh my god. Tom!
RG: Yeah, it's me!
ME: I played trumpet and sang at your wedding! I didn't recognize you at all! (They divorced a year ago)
RG: Yeah, well my hair is grey.
ME: The beard is gone too, huh?
RG: Yeah. Do you talk to Lisa anymore?
ME: No. (That was a lie)
RG: Melody?
ME: I don't keep in touch with any of those girls anymore. (Also a lie)
RG: Oh well. It's good to see you, I'll see you around!
ME: Yeah! Take care!

Tom walked away as I held back my vomit. Tom was married to my friend Lisa for several years. Toward the end of their marriage Lisa found out that Tom was soliciting sex to strangers and prostitutes. She found emails. It was horrifying. She had to undergo tests to make sure she didn't have a disease. I can't imagine how much therapy this whole thing required. This man that she thought was the love of her life was SCUM. It was such a horrible ordeal and here this guy is, acting like he doesn't know who I am when he knew EXACTLY who I was. I had visited the home of him and his ex-wife tons of times in the past and I look exactly the same as when he last saw me those years ago. I later found out that he had been trying to contact Lisa, trying to find excuses to see her. I am SO glad I lied. Gross.


Update: Banshee

I noticed that OCD was called into the office with our general manager for a meeting. I wondered what it was and I was scared that it involved promotion. Banshee later informed me that employees had started complaining to the GM about the older lady cashiers ruining everyone's employment experience with their grumbling and old lady ways. Specifically, they were making the younger employees feel uncomfortable by insulting fellow co-workers on a regular basis. That is why OCD was called in. Apparently, Cake Eyes was called out by our GM in a similar meeting earlier that day.

Banshee had instilled a new "No Shit Talking" rule. If any employees are caught talking shit about a fellow employee, they are to be reported. The infraction will result in an instant write up.

Ah...JUSTICE.

Day Four

Speedy Gonzales

I met Speedy on the first day of work. I noticed she liked to check out groceries very incredibly fast. Good for her. I'm not going to do that shit. She must always be doing something at all times. She prides herself on being "better" (meaning: faster) than everyone else at this job. She wasn't very talkative or minutely sociable so I moved to another cashier. Today, she was in the register behind me. No small talk. Not mean, but not nice either. No fun. She has the pride of Pedantic Joe, but lacks the kindness. She has the one word replies of Copy Cat, but not because she is shy (or socially awkward) but because she doesn't want to talk to you. On a scale of bearable to unbearable people I don't prefer to work near, she leans toward unbearable. I wonder if this is an initial period of "player hatin'" for new employees. I have a feeling Speedy will turn around. Being this negative has to be too tiring for her to keep it up.

Old Man #2

ME: Hi! How are you doing today?
OLD MAN: I am fantastic!
ME: Wow, it's so refreshing to see a really happy person.
OLD MAN: Darling, at my age? I'm just thrilled to be alive!

He winked, and smiled the sweetest smile I had ever seen. Everyone should be just as thrilled to be alive, everyday.

Cashier Contest

Holy shit. Cashier contest. I love these. The co-op I worked for in Indiana had a cashier contest to raise the money for the Hoosier Hills food bank. I raised the most, something like $1200 by myself and won a gift basket with a gift card to the co-op. The prize, at this current store I work for, is a $50 gift card to the person who has the highest percentage of customers sign up for our mailing list on Friday through Sunday. I went in with guns blazing. I got around 90-95% of my customers to sign up the first day. Upon turning in all of my mailing list slips, my front end manager was ultra impressed.

MANAGER: Holy crap, you got this many customers to sign up?
ME: Yep! I want that gift card. Free wine and beer.
MANAGER: Well keep this up and you'll win that contest next weekend, for sure!
ME: Um...........................................................................it didn't start today?
MANAGER: Next weekend.

I officially don't give a crap about this contest.

Cute Guy, Maybe

I think I read something at some point from a Sociology book about how our attractions toward others are shifted and altered by proximity, exposure and environment. So, maybe I only found this guy attractive because he is the only good looking one working in the store, not because he is Don Draper. It could have also been because he was five registers away and I couldn't see him clearly, a "buen lejos" (good from far away), as a friend used to call guys who are cuter from the other side of the room. I decided to say hi, with the intent to maybe flirt if I discovered he wasn't a weirdo. As I greeted him, he began to check out a customer's groceries and I helped bag. After the customer left I asked about how busy the store had been so far and how new was he to the job. He replied, animatedly, but with his back facing me. Was he actually responding to me or was he having a conversation with an invisible person? Should I leave them alone? Hmm. I later found out he is the son or grandson of the president of the company. He doesn't really converse with anyone, I learned. The dichotomy among the cashiers, as far as how kind people are, was becoming more clear with each new person I met. It is disappointing to find that there are people who are not cool or fun to be around. Thankfully, there are more pleasant people than there are unpleasant.

Freckles

ME: [to a young girl standing in line waiting for her parents to load groceries on the belt, I smiled] Hi there! I think you have the cutest freckles!
LITTLE GIRL: [instantly frowns, followed by a dirty look]
MY INNER MONOLOGUE: Ummm, shit. Say something else!!!!
ME: Are you enjoying your vacation?
LITTLE GIRL: [smiles (thank goodness)] Yes!
ME: What grade are you in?
LITTLE GIRL: Goin' into second gwade.
ME: Cool! What is your favorite subject?
LITTLE GIRL: Eatin'!

Then we laughed. Whew...

I have never understood how anyone could not like their freckles. I think they are unique and beautiful and super adorable on kids. Later in the day another customer came in whose daughter was as freckled as the last kid. I made the same compliment. The little girl thanked me. So did the mom, as she had the same freckles her daughter had. I told her about the previously mentioned kid and the mom responded with an "Aww..." I found out that when the daughter asked her mom about her freckles, the mom told her they are the stars in the sky that have fallen to rest on her shoulders. That is a sweet mom.


Update: Cake Eyes

I was yet to look Cake Eyes in the shadow. She still had not said hello or smiled at me, but I haven't exactly made any efforts to be nice to her. She smiles at others and many of the customers love her, so I knew there is a cool lady in there somewhere. Surely she couldn't strongly dislike me for showing up late once. I went to pick up baskets and put them away and when I crossed paths with Cake Eyes I smiled and said hi. She smiled too and responded with a hello! Wow, a little bit of tension released.

Doin' Good in Texas

"How are you doing?" is the first question I ask all of my customers, but rather than responding with, "I'm doing well," or "I'm alright," the majority of people here respond with, "Doin' good." Often it is said twice, "Doin' good. Doin' good." You may laugh, but sometimes the longer you hear a certain colloquial phrase, no matter how poor the grammar, you begin to speak that way as well. I found myself answering the same question from my customers with a "Doin' good." At first I wanted to slap myself in the face immediately after I say it, but I have gotten over it. When in Rome...