Day Twelve

Today was my fifth day working in a row. Drained of all energy, I came into work thinking, "Today is the day no one interesting will show up. Maybe I'll take a day off of blog writing. Yeah." Then I met:

Hal E. Tosis

A man walked up to my register wearing an army shirt.

ME: Hi! Are you in the army?
HAL: Ohhhhhh no. [laughs] Now that would be ironic!

First of all, the reason why I put so many of the letter "h" in oh is because this guy didn't just say the word, he breathed the word on me. That is when my lungs shut down all operation, because this guy had the WORST BREATH EVER. I held my breath and waited for an appropriate amount of time before I turned my head to breath oxygen from elsewhere. Okay, fine. No one has minty fresh breath all of the time, but if one's breath is potentially bad, it is advisable to keep from sighing out words (especially any word with an audible "h" sound, bro) or cover the mouth slightly when talking. I decided to cut this guy some slack and I continued to converse with him.

ME: So, how would your being in the Army be ironic?
HAL: Well, because I would NEVER join the army.
ME: [after fighting to urge to judge him from the incorrect use of a literary device, I continued] How has your day been?
HAL: It was great until I had to see the dentist.
ME: Check up was no fun?
HAL: No.

Wait. This guy just saw the dentist? Who leaves a trip to the dentist with bad breath? I could only conclude two things. Either he DID just see the dentist after which he chewed on a rotten raw onion while he shopped for groceries, OR  his dentist doesn't believe in mouthwash. I would like to believe that if this guy knew his breath was terrible he would do something about it. Maybe I'll pass out mints to my customers.

A Word of Advice:

Never send your eight year old son to the produce section to find fresh dill while you are checking out in line. Chances are, he will be looking for something that looks like a pickle (and he will be looking for a long time).

Observation:

You can't convince a kid that anyone is stronger that his favorite superhero. Two very young boys walked up with their parents to my register and one of them was wearing a Spiderman t-shirt. I asked the boys, "Who would win in a battle between Superman and Spiderman?" The kids told me Spiderman would win. They were biased and clearly not thinking this through. I decided I would play the devil's advocate.

ME: Superman is superhuman.
BOYS: Kryptonite.
ME: Fair enough, but Spiderman would never resort to kryptonite. That would make him no better than Lex Luthor, so we can rule that out. What about Superman being the man of steel? He is stronger than Spiderman.
BOYS: Spiderman shoots out a web that can hold a train. The web is super strong (this is as close as I could gather, they were both talking at the same time).
ME: Superman can fly.
BOYS: Spiderman has a web and he can fly through the air (again, from so much being said at the same time)
ME: Superman has heat vision.
BOYS: SPIDERMAN HAS A WEB!


At this point the boys were ultra defensive, maybe even mad. They probably wondered, "How on earth could anyone NOT understand the power of Spiderman's web?" The parents were laughing. My efforts were futile. In the end I told the boys that they were right, Spiderman would win. With pride the boys had the last word. They continued to talk about the indestructible qualities of the web as their parents dragged them out of the store. You can't change change a boy's mind about his favorite superhero, don't even try. Just an observation.

Update: Speedy Gonzales

I was slowly winning over the co-workers that I did not initially get along with with the exception of one.  Speedy still checked people out at the socially awkward speed of light. I never made any attempt to talk with her. If she came over to help bag groceries, the most I would say is "hello" and "thanks for helping," tops.

Today, Speedy clocked out at the same time I was on break. I picked up some food and sat down in the Deli area. Speedy was there.

ME: Howdy. What are you still doing here?
SPEEDY: I'm off the clock but I don't feel like going home. I feel like being social.

Eh? She didn't say she wanted to be social while walking off to talk to other pals. This seemed a prompt for wanting to chat. Speedy is being nice? Where did the negativity-laden overachiever go? I was looking forward to getting started reading Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, but I decided to be nice and invite Speedy to talk.

ME: I'm sitting here on break, wanna hang?
SPEEDY: Sure!

There is apparently no gradual "getting to know" phase with Speedy. It was zero to BFF with no "in between." I was assuming she was a home schooled, only-child growing up. I wondered if maybe her parents didn't let her hang with her school friends much. The conversation played out like a job interview. She told me I was the only person of all of the cashiers she had not talked to yet. Apparently she is getting her associate's degree at a local community college and thinking of transferring to the local large college. The conversation with Speedy was all business just short of handing me a resume with three professional references. Awkwardness aside, I'll take it. I'll take any small version of Speedy's kindness. It means she is trying and I appreciate that.