Day Seventeen

Everyone was pleasant today. So weird. There were three new people at the store: a new manager, a new cashier and a new vitamin girl. I like meeting new people. They always change the environment, making things more interesting (for me, anyway). Pleasantries never usually make for an interesting blog entry, except today, thankfully, there was a never ending flow of the elderly. A parade, you might say. Constant entertainment.

Old Lady #4

ME: [after ringing in a bottle of wine] May I see your ID, ma'am?
OLD LADY: You need to get your eyes checked.

Old Man #5

OLD MAN: [swiping his card while I rang in groceries] Why does this keep asking me to swipe my card over and over?
ME: Oh, I'll let you know when you need to look at that screen.
OLD MAN: Okay.
ME: [as I rang in the last item] ...okay we are almost done, aaaaand BAM!
OLD MAN: [looking on the credit card reader screen] Bam? Where does it say 'bam"?
ME: Oh. I said "bam," meaning now you can follow the instructions on that screen.
OLD: Ohhhh. I was looking for a "bam."

Old Lady #5

After placing all of her groceries on the belt, this old lady picked up a bag of cherries and inspected it.
.

OLD LADY: I don't think I'm going to get these cherries.
ME: Are they rotten or have you changed your mind about buying them?
OLD LADY: There's a hole in this bag.

I looked at the bag expecting to see a big hole in it. The holes in the bag were vent holes.

ME: Ma'am, this is a vented bag. The holes are there on purpose.
OLD LADY: The cherries are creeping out! I don't like it!
ME: [pause] You're right. I'll take these back.

Old Lady #6

A pair of old ladies walked up in my line. Whenever this happens I provide a different greeting than the usual.


ME: Hello ladies! Have you been staying out of trouble?
[both of them giggle]
OLD LADY: [with a wagging finger] Now, you can't have any fun unless you cause a little trouble.

Ain't that the truth?

Old Man #6

I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I grabbed a snack, then I sat down at a small 2'x2' table in the deli area and I began to read a book. Within minutes, an elderly man walked up to my table using his cart as a walker. He looked tired.

OLD MAN: My knees are starting to hurt. I have to sit down.
ME: Oh sure, don't hurt yourself. How are you today?
OLD MAN: I'm alive (a common 'old man' response)

Out of twelve seats in the entire area, this man chose the seat caddy-corner to me. Thinking nothing of it, I continued to read my book, Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut.

OLD MAN: I'm pretty sure that book isn't about Wheaties.
ME: You would be right. [I laughed] The author mentions how the book is in no way affiliated with the General Mills cereal.

I had to think for a minute. It took a while but I was able to locate the area of my brain that dealt with my childhood. Wheaties cereal would always have a photo of a famous athlete on the front of the box. I think I remember the athletes being in the commercials too. The slogan I remember best was, "You better eat your Wheaties." I remember Michael Jordan would say it to some kid on TV (and what kid in the late 80s and early 90s didn't want to grow up to be Michael Jordan?). I think at the time the "Breakfast of Champions" slogan was on its way out. I reminisced about that with the old man and we laughed. I continued to read for another ten minutes as he sat next to me. He eventually had to keep shopping.

OLD MAN: Well, if I don't get up now, I'll never get up.
ME: Do you need help getting up?
OLD MAN: I think I've got it, just give me a minute.

He sat up straight, his gaze fixed forward, gathering to will power to stand up. It took a minute, like he said. One of my managers, named Jay, was setting up a display nearby and he witnessed the old man next to me. After the old man left my manager walked up to me.

JAY: Do you know that man?
ME: Nope. I just met him.
JAY: And you let him sit next to you that whole time?
ME: Yup. Best date I have had in a while.

A Word of Advice:

Never, EVER, talk about hoarding in a grocery store. One woman brought up an episode of Hoarders. Apparently a daughter of a former grocery store owner made a faux grocery store in her house with shelves and shelves of decomposing food. My customer described it to me in such detail that I wanted to vomit on the spot. Look, I don't know anyone who is in love with food as much as I am. Not only is it inappropriate to talk about this nasty shit around other customers who are buying and consuming food, in my world it is a horrible crime to kill my appetite. I didn't eat for the rest of the night. I would have asked her to stop talking but speaking is hard when you are trying to keep food down.