Day Twenty Four

Donna Draper

I walk into work and my head cashier immediately pulls me aside.


RYAN: We need you to do an ad for ribs.
ME: Seriously?
RYAN: Yeah, you have the best announcer voice.

Wow. I didn't know all of the really slow "Clear Eyes" style announcements would earn me such an opportunity. Ryan gave me all of the details so that I could write a good "commercial." He said I only have a few minutes to write it and that I had to make this announcement every 15 minutes. I got to work and came up with this:

"Attention customers! Are you sad that the 4th of July is over? Well turn that frown upside down! We are keeping the festivities going by grilling out in the front of our store! Sink your teeth into some freshly smoked, savory, pork ribs for only $10.99 per rack. Hurry and get them while they last, supplies are limited and as always, thank you for shopping at [insert store name]!"

After I announced this, applause broke out from my fellow cashiers. Apparently my manager and head cashier think I am really good at it. I had to do it again every fifteen minutes, so I decided to come up with a new ad each time. This was my second one:

"Don't know what to cook for dinner tonight? Let us do the cooking for you! Stop by the grill in the front of our store and get your hands on our freshly smoked, savory, pork ribs! They're a steal at $10.99 per rack and they are selling quickly so hurry and get yours soon! As always, thank you for shopping at [insert store name]!"

I kept this up for the rest of the time the ribs were being cooked. It was totally fun and it gave me an excuse to close my line down. An old man walked up to me after I made one of the announcements.

OLD MAN: You don't talk like that normally. [pointing his finger at me] That's not what you talk like!

He laughed and walked away. I guess I don't normally talk like that. Busted.

Chocolate

My store always has one dark chocolate covered fruit or nut on sale. This week's sale was amazing. Dark chocolate covered almonds were $2.99 per pound. I had to try them. I bought ten of them and popped five of them into my mouth, one by one, for a snack. I let the chocolate slowly melt over my tongue and what followed was instant euphoria. The rest of my day went well. I was in such a great mood!

An old lady came into my line and after purchasing groceries and she forgot a bag when she walked away. I ran off mid transaction to catch her, only to notice she had not made it out the door yet. She was grateful that I brought her bag to her and I was grateful that she walks so slow. It's hot outside, you know?

I decided to make this a conversational point to my next customer whose transaction I continued.

ME: It's a good thing that lady doesn't walk to fast otherwise I would have had to go outside!
LADY: COULD YOU MOVE IT ALONG PLEASE? THREE CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY LEFT FROM THIS OTHER LINE!!

I couldn't help what happened next. I started moving slower. REALLY slowly. I stopped to stare longer than usual at every PLU code on each fruit or vegetable (even the ones I had memorized). I took my time finding where the UPC symbol was located on each tiny box. I took my time getting my pointer finger to hit "Total" and I spoke slowly when I told her what her total was. I took my time to hit to hit the "Debit/Credit" key and I slammed it with unusual force. The lady, in response, swiped her card with anger. Angerrrrrrrr!!!!!

It was so hard to keep from laughing. I waited for the card to be approved and started to have a conversation with myself in my head.

INNER MONOLOGUE: Do I care about getting fired?
[the receipt printed out]
INNER MONOLOGUE: No.

ME: [holding on to her receipt, I face her from my printer] You know ma'am, if you're in a rush, all you have to do is let me know...and I'll move faster. [I flashed a smile that said, "Go fuck yourself."] Have a nice day!
LADY: [in a much calmer fashion than previously] Thank you, you too. [she took the receipt and left]

Miranda-1
Bitch-0

If I hadn't had those five dark chocolate covered almonds I wouldn't have given as little of a shit as I did with that woman. I was in a fabulous mood the whole time she was horrible to me. No one could make me mad. Dark chocolate covered almonds. I'm pretty sure they all contain a pinch of heroine. Next time I'll check to see if my pupils dilate.

Update: Heartless Lucy

I still don't like Lucy. I'll like her as soon as I know her dog is in a better home with a more responsible owner. She came into the store with her boyfriend. Today was her birthday. A bunch of the cashiers asked me to sing "Happy Birthday" over the speakers. Ugh, fine. I invited the customers to sing along as well. Crazy Red-Head Vegan tried (failed) to throw me off by singing off pitch, on purpose, for the entire song. Lucy told me she really appreciated my singing. I should have told her that she can appreciate me better by taking care of her dog.

A Word of Advice:

Keep it classy. Don't wrestle with your mother over who pays for five dollars of food. I don't mean wrestling as a metaphor, I mean please do not literally wrestle with your elderly mother over who pays for five dollars of food. An elderly lady began to try swiping her debit card to pay for a little bit of food. Her daughter flew in to try and stop her. These women, mother and daughter, were both gripping the debit card and pulling in opposite directions. It was a sad sight. It took a minute for the younger daughter to get the debit card away from her mother. I should have done the young woman a favor and slapped her across the face. Be more respectful to your mother, you flippin' idiot.