Day Forty Three

JAY: Late much?
ME: I'm working on it!

Jay, my manager-on-duty, didn't care that I was less than two weeks away from leaving the store. Normally I would laugh about it, but I was actually glad that someone still cares about me doing better. It's either that or he feels highly disrespected by my lack of punctuality. Maybe both. I was late because I wanted to sleep as much as possible. I was so happy to get seven hours of sleep last night, but I still had more sleep to catch up on.

Old Lady #15

The store was very busy today and I was getting customers out of my line faster than my usual pace. An old lady bought a few things and her total was $5.70. I almost entered a $57,000 check into my register. It would not have gone through but I thought I would entertain my customer with the idea.

ME: I tried to get you a lot of change.
OLD LADY: How much?
ME: $56,994
OLD LADY: That check would have bounced like a hot potato!
ME: Bounced like a hot potato? I have to find some way to use that phrase!
OLD LADY: You know, I used to think it was a stupid phrase my mother used.
ME: Then you became your mother.
OLD LADY: All women do, no matter how much they fight it.

Storm Cloud

When I went on break, I noticed that one of my friends called. I had not talked to her in a week. I didn't really notice this week go by because my days were getting longer and more busy. I called her back to see what was up. In summary, I found out that an act of kindness on my behalf was viewed as attempted betrayal (she thought I made her look bad). When I assured her I meant no harm and she understood that as a possibility, she still wanted me to acknowledge my indiscretion. I was sorry that she felt so hurt, but I refused to apologize for being nice. In the end, two prideful alpha females refused to submit to the other side's view and our friendship was brought to an end. This painful conversation also took up my entire 15 minute break.

As I went back to work I put my phone in my pocket. This did not go unnoticed by Cake Eyes.

CAKE EYES: You can't have that phone up here, Miranda.
ME: Okay... [I put the phone in my pocket and walked to my register]

After that dismissive response, I slipped my phone into my drawer. "Go ahead, Cake Eyes," I thought, "Try and take my phone away." If she kept grinding my gears any further I was going to cut her head off.

"Calm down," I repeated under my breath.  I ran the conversation with my friend over a couple of times in my head. I really tried to see things her way but all I could conclude was that she is insecure. I don't hurt my friends on purpose and I am usually quick to admit when I am wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. I was being punished for being nice. We all reach an age where we decide that we are unwilling to put up with bullshit. I am well past that age. I refused to let this ruin my day. Enter Elvira...

ELVIRA: Be gentle!

Elvira made me realize that I was chucking my customers' fruits and veggies to the bagger after I weighed them. I shook my head at myself. I was mad. I apologized and made a point of not taking my bad day out on the groceries.

Several more customers came through and I was way more careful with grocery items. I called out to Elvira who was one register over.

ME: Look Elvira! I'm being gentle!
ELVIRA: [frowned] Are you making fun of me?

The frown turned into a scowl. Great, now I was back on Elvira's shit list. She had obviously misinterpreted what I said. This wasn't because of her general lack of humor. I thought she and I had made progress. Who else was I going to make mad today? The next couple of hours was like walking on eggshells. Not so much because I was afraid of making anyone mad, but more because I couldn't take anymore negativity or criticism.

A woman came into my line who told me she was going to another store after grocery shopping and was considering buying a freezer bag. I told her to save her money. I went into our freezer to grab a couple small bags of ice to keep certain foods cold and I doubled bagged these cold foods to keep condensation from ruining her car's interior.

WOMAN: Oh my word. Thank you! Has anyone told you you're AWESOME today?

I froze when she said that, staring at her in disbelief.

ME: No. No one has told me that today. Thank you for saying that.

As I tore off her receipt and told this woman, "Have a nice day," tears began to well in my eyes. The next customer came up and the tears were then pouring down my face. As this customer took out his credit card to pay, I crouched down to blot my face dry with a paper towel. It was pointless, as I kept sobbing for two more customers. I had to close my line and walk away. I didn't want to cry in the office or the kitchen. I ran into the foyer and hid behind a tall display of hundreds of water bottles. I sat of the floor and cried for several minutes. Catharsis took over, releasing all the fatigue, anger, stress and  imposing hatred from my system--a catharsis I needed to be able to function, triggered by the kind words of that one customer.

Once I felt better I walked back into the store and headed straight for the bulk section. I bought ten dark chocolate covered almonds and walked over to Klepto Sue's line. No one seemed to notice my leaving or question it. Sue made fun of how I only ever bought chocolate from her line. Quite possibly true. I could be known for worse things. Alleged kleptomania aside, Sue was fun to talk to. When things were not busy, she would come around to bag groceries for me.

A baby with a cupcake shirt came along. Angst-y teenagers came by wearing t-shirts that read, "Meh." The old lady who plays pickle ball came in with another matching workout jumpsuit. This time it was neon orange. I met a German lady to whom I got to show off my newly acquired German diction skills. I could tell she was German because she pronounced "still" as "shteel". Almost all of the rest of my customers increasingly put me in a better mood.

I hate to cry, I really do, but the most beautiful thing about crying is that you can really feel that first smile afterward and every smile after that is precious.

Day Thirty Eight

Update: Cake Eyes

It was 8am and I was alone with Cake Eyes on the front end. While checking out my own customers I listened to how she talked with her customers. She seemed to know her customers personally and she made good conversation with them. It makes sense. There are probably shoppers that come into the store on fixed days at fixed times. Cake Eyes is the only person who gets a fixed schedule, no wonder she has a lot of regulars. She opens the store at 7am and leaves at 2pm, Monday through Friday.

An hour later, Mad Kathy came in and we were discussing how I slammed my finger in my car door the previous night. It was bruised and I couldn't bend it. I took Advil for the pain but it didn't seem to work.

ME: I do have hydrocodone at home.
KATHY: That stuff works.
ME: Yeah I should take that, then I would be really entertaining at work.
CAKE EYES: [walked over to us] Did someone say hydrocodone?
ME: Yes. My finger is super bruised. I'm in extreme pain.
CAKE EYES: I take hydrocodone twice a day.
ME: Egads! Why do you take that much hydrocodone?
CAKE EYES: I have a bunch of rods and metal in my lower back. I can't stand for long.
ME: How did that happen?
CAKE EYES: When I was young I was a cheerleader. I practiced every day and every night. I jumped and I jumped and I tumbled millions of times over and over for years and years. I loved it but it messed up my back.
ME: Did you cheer in college?
CAKE EYES: No, but I did teach elementary school cheerleaders. I loved it.

Customers came along and cut our conversation short. Cake Eyes, cheerleader for life? She does still look like a cheerleader, just old with tons of eye shadow. She wears a khaki skirt and her hair in a ponytail everyday. Cheerleader. After her shift she came through my line with her usual two large bottles of Chardonnay. Chardonnay with hydrocodone. How the hell is she NOT in a coma?

ME: So when were you born?
CAKE EYES: I was born in 1955.
ME: Ah, you were a teen in the 70s. Did you wear bell bottoms?
CAKE EYES: Oh yeah, bell bottoms and flower power! Woo! [I handed her receipt and she walked off]

I was concerned for Cake Eyes but I was also glad that we were getting along better. I'm so glad that drugs and 70s fashion have allowed us to bond.

More New Rules

Roz came up to me to share the new attendance policy with me, which was probably inspired by me.


ROZ: New attendance rule. If you're late 8 times, you get an instant final warning. One more tardy after that? Your employment will be terminated.
ME: 8 times? Sheesh.
ROZ: If this was a rule before now, you would be in trouble.

True. I really should try to make it to work on time. The only fishy thing was, I never heard Roz share this new rule with anyone else. I also didn't have to sign anything indicating that I am aware of the new rule. Maybe they really just wanted me to show up on time and they were sending higher ups to scare me with more strict fake rules. Cute.

A Word of Advice:

Don't joke about cancer with the elderly.


ME: Hi! How is your morning going?
OLD LADY: Lovely! How about yours?
ME: Mine is great too! I got up early and walked the dogs. The weather is so nice before the sun comes up.
OLD LADY: I agree.
ME: It's nice to be outdoors without worrying that I going to get skin cancer. [I laughed]

She stopped talking to me. I felt like an ass. What if she had skin cancer? Her parents? Her friends? Stupid Miranda.

Update: Ryan and Sally Spec

Sally Spec came in with makeup on! She never wears make up. She has the kind of clean pretty face that doesn't need makeup.

ME: Your makeup looks nice!
SALLY: Yeah, Ryan (her boyfriend, our head cashier) has to work a 12 hour shift today. He is so tired already from working so much that I knew he would be in a bad mood, so I decided to look nice. I made his lunch and I baked him cookies.
ME: Girlfriend of the year!
SALLY: Yeah, I like him.

I watched whenever Sally and Ryan were talking by themselves. I saw Ryan smiling at Sally like he thinks she is the best girl ever. They are sweet.

Old Lady #12

An old lady bought groceries from my line and walked off to her car with her cart after checking out. A minute later she ran back in holding a bag of carrots.


OLD LADY: I'm so sorry dear. I almost stole these. Whew!
ME: A dollar of carrots? You crook!
OLD LADY: If ever go to jail, I'm going to go for a real reason.

Richard Gere: Part Three

Copycat went on break and she came through my line to buy some food. Every time Copycat buys things from my register, she greets me the exact same way even if she greeted me the same way three times that day so far.


COPYCAT: Hi. How are you doing today?
ME: You already greeted me that way. Greet me another way.
COPYCAT: Okay. [she thought for a while and nervously laughed] I don't know!
ME: You could say, "Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?"
COPYCAT: Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?
ME: Target! Can you believe it?
COPYCAT: Wow. I like it.
ME: Do you shop at Target?
COPYCAT: Sometimes I do with my sister.

That's when, behind Copycat's head, I saw Richard Gere walk in with basket in hand. I wanted to vomit. I finished my transaction with Copycat and timed out when exactly this sex addict-cheater-jerk would walk through my line. He is on a juicing diet so it wouldn't take him more than five minutes to gather whatever vegetables he needed. I waited three minutes and then I hid in the front office. Ryan came by.

RYAN: What are you doing?
ME: I'm hiding from someone.
RYAN: Who?
ME: This guy who cheated on one of my friends by soliciting sex to strangers, he is trying find out how my friend is doing through me and the very sight of him makes me want to vomit.

The manager-on-duty, named Jay, walked in.

JAY: What are you doing?
RYAN: She is hiding from someone.
JAY: Do we need to beat someone up?

I considered it.

ME: No. He needs to be paid no attention. I'm going to keep hiding.

I peaked out of the door. Richard Gere was in Crazy Red Head Vegan's line. I'm sure he was charming her in some way. Blech. I continued to hide. A minute later I looked and noticed he had left CRV's line. The coast was clear. I walked out of the office at the same time I noticed Richard Gere walking back to CRV's register. He had forgotten something. "Oh shit!" I thought and I broke into a sprint, running into the kitchen 20 feet to the left. I remained there for several minutes. There was no way Richard Gere would have missed seeing me running away at the sight of him. I might as well have stayed at my register and told him to his face that I don't want to talk to him...but this works too.

Day Seventeen

Everyone was pleasant today. So weird. There were three new people at the store: a new manager, a new cashier and a new vitamin girl. I like meeting new people. They always change the environment, making things more interesting (for me, anyway). Pleasantries never usually make for an interesting blog entry, except today, thankfully, there was a never ending flow of the elderly. A parade, you might say. Constant entertainment.

Old Lady #4

ME: [after ringing in a bottle of wine] May I see your ID, ma'am?
OLD LADY: You need to get your eyes checked.

Old Man #5

OLD MAN: [swiping his card while I rang in groceries] Why does this keep asking me to swipe my card over and over?
ME: Oh, I'll let you know when you need to look at that screen.
OLD MAN: Okay.
ME: [as I rang in the last item] ...okay we are almost done, aaaaand BAM!
OLD MAN: [looking on the credit card reader screen] Bam? Where does it say 'bam"?
ME: Oh. I said "bam," meaning now you can follow the instructions on that screen.
OLD: Ohhhh. I was looking for a "bam."

Old Lady #5

After placing all of her groceries on the belt, this old lady picked up a bag of cherries and inspected it.
.

OLD LADY: I don't think I'm going to get these cherries.
ME: Are they rotten or have you changed your mind about buying them?
OLD LADY: There's a hole in this bag.

I looked at the bag expecting to see a big hole in it. The holes in the bag were vent holes.

ME: Ma'am, this is a vented bag. The holes are there on purpose.
OLD LADY: The cherries are creeping out! I don't like it!
ME: [pause] You're right. I'll take these back.

Old Lady #6

A pair of old ladies walked up in my line. Whenever this happens I provide a different greeting than the usual.


ME: Hello ladies! Have you been staying out of trouble?
[both of them giggle]
OLD LADY: [with a wagging finger] Now, you can't have any fun unless you cause a little trouble.

Ain't that the truth?

Old Man #6

I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I grabbed a snack, then I sat down at a small 2'x2' table in the deli area and I began to read a book. Within minutes, an elderly man walked up to my table using his cart as a walker. He looked tired.

OLD MAN: My knees are starting to hurt. I have to sit down.
ME: Oh sure, don't hurt yourself. How are you today?
OLD MAN: I'm alive (a common 'old man' response)

Out of twelve seats in the entire area, this man chose the seat caddy-corner to me. Thinking nothing of it, I continued to read my book, Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut.

OLD MAN: I'm pretty sure that book isn't about Wheaties.
ME: You would be right. [I laughed] The author mentions how the book is in no way affiliated with the General Mills cereal.

I had to think for a minute. It took a while but I was able to locate the area of my brain that dealt with my childhood. Wheaties cereal would always have a photo of a famous athlete on the front of the box. I think I remember the athletes being in the commercials too. The slogan I remember best was, "You better eat your Wheaties." I remember Michael Jordan would say it to some kid on TV (and what kid in the late 80s and early 90s didn't want to grow up to be Michael Jordan?). I think at the time the "Breakfast of Champions" slogan was on its way out. I reminisced about that with the old man and we laughed. I continued to read for another ten minutes as he sat next to me. He eventually had to keep shopping.

OLD MAN: Well, if I don't get up now, I'll never get up.
ME: Do you need help getting up?
OLD MAN: I think I've got it, just give me a minute.

He sat up straight, his gaze fixed forward, gathering to will power to stand up. It took a minute, like he said. One of my managers, named Jay, was setting up a display nearby and he witnessed the old man next to me. After the old man left my manager walked up to me.

JAY: Do you know that man?
ME: Nope. I just met him.
JAY: And you let him sit next to you that whole time?
ME: Yup. Best date I have had in a while.

A Word of Advice:

Never, EVER, talk about hoarding in a grocery store. One woman brought up an episode of Hoarders. Apparently a daughter of a former grocery store owner made a faux grocery store in her house with shelves and shelves of decomposing food. My customer described it to me in such detail that I wanted to vomit on the spot. Look, I don't know anyone who is in love with food as much as I am. Not only is it inappropriate to talk about this nasty shit around other customers who are buying and consuming food, in my world it is a horrible crime to kill my appetite. I didn't eat for the rest of the night. I would have asked her to stop talking but speaking is hard when you are trying to keep food down.