Day Thirty Eight

Update: Cake Eyes

It was 8am and I was alone with Cake Eyes on the front end. While checking out my own customers I listened to how she talked with her customers. She seemed to know her customers personally and she made good conversation with them. It makes sense. There are probably shoppers that come into the store on fixed days at fixed times. Cake Eyes is the only person who gets a fixed schedule, no wonder she has a lot of regulars. She opens the store at 7am and leaves at 2pm, Monday through Friday.

An hour later, Mad Kathy came in and we were discussing how I slammed my finger in my car door the previous night. It was bruised and I couldn't bend it. I took Advil for the pain but it didn't seem to work.

ME: I do have hydrocodone at home.
KATHY: That stuff works.
ME: Yeah I should take that, then I would be really entertaining at work.
CAKE EYES: [walked over to us] Did someone say hydrocodone?
ME: Yes. My finger is super bruised. I'm in extreme pain.
CAKE EYES: I take hydrocodone twice a day.
ME: Egads! Why do you take that much hydrocodone?
CAKE EYES: I have a bunch of rods and metal in my lower back. I can't stand for long.
ME: How did that happen?
CAKE EYES: When I was young I was a cheerleader. I practiced every day and every night. I jumped and I jumped and I tumbled millions of times over and over for years and years. I loved it but it messed up my back.
ME: Did you cheer in college?
CAKE EYES: No, but I did teach elementary school cheerleaders. I loved it.

Customers came along and cut our conversation short. Cake Eyes, cheerleader for life? She does still look like a cheerleader, just old with tons of eye shadow. She wears a khaki skirt and her hair in a ponytail everyday. Cheerleader. After her shift she came through my line with her usual two large bottles of Chardonnay. Chardonnay with hydrocodone. How the hell is she NOT in a coma?

ME: So when were you born?
CAKE EYES: I was born in 1955.
ME: Ah, you were a teen in the 70s. Did you wear bell bottoms?
CAKE EYES: Oh yeah, bell bottoms and flower power! Woo! [I handed her receipt and she walked off]

I was concerned for Cake Eyes but I was also glad that we were getting along better. I'm so glad that drugs and 70s fashion have allowed us to bond.

More New Rules

Roz came up to me to share the new attendance policy with me, which was probably inspired by me.


ROZ: New attendance rule. If you're late 8 times, you get an instant final warning. One more tardy after that? Your employment will be terminated.
ME: 8 times? Sheesh.
ROZ: If this was a rule before now, you would be in trouble.

True. I really should try to make it to work on time. The only fishy thing was, I never heard Roz share this new rule with anyone else. I also didn't have to sign anything indicating that I am aware of the new rule. Maybe they really just wanted me to show up on time and they were sending higher ups to scare me with more strict fake rules. Cute.

A Word of Advice:

Don't joke about cancer with the elderly.


ME: Hi! How is your morning going?
OLD LADY: Lovely! How about yours?
ME: Mine is great too! I got up early and walked the dogs. The weather is so nice before the sun comes up.
OLD LADY: I agree.
ME: It's nice to be outdoors without worrying that I going to get skin cancer. [I laughed]

She stopped talking to me. I felt like an ass. What if she had skin cancer? Her parents? Her friends? Stupid Miranda.

Update: Ryan and Sally Spec

Sally Spec came in with makeup on! She never wears make up. She has the kind of clean pretty face that doesn't need makeup.

ME: Your makeup looks nice!
SALLY: Yeah, Ryan (her boyfriend, our head cashier) has to work a 12 hour shift today. He is so tired already from working so much that I knew he would be in a bad mood, so I decided to look nice. I made his lunch and I baked him cookies.
ME: Girlfriend of the year!
SALLY: Yeah, I like him.

I watched whenever Sally and Ryan were talking by themselves. I saw Ryan smiling at Sally like he thinks she is the best girl ever. They are sweet.

Old Lady #12

An old lady bought groceries from my line and walked off to her car with her cart after checking out. A minute later she ran back in holding a bag of carrots.


OLD LADY: I'm so sorry dear. I almost stole these. Whew!
ME: A dollar of carrots? You crook!
OLD LADY: If ever go to jail, I'm going to go for a real reason.

Richard Gere: Part Three

Copycat went on break and she came through my line to buy some food. Every time Copycat buys things from my register, she greets me the exact same way even if she greeted me the same way three times that day so far.


COPYCAT: Hi. How are you doing today?
ME: You already greeted me that way. Greet me another way.
COPYCAT: Okay. [she thought for a while and nervously laughed] I don't know!
ME: You could say, "Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?"
COPYCAT: Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?
ME: Target! Can you believe it?
COPYCAT: Wow. I like it.
ME: Do you shop at Target?
COPYCAT: Sometimes I do with my sister.

That's when, behind Copycat's head, I saw Richard Gere walk in with basket in hand. I wanted to vomit. I finished my transaction with Copycat and timed out when exactly this sex addict-cheater-jerk would walk through my line. He is on a juicing diet so it wouldn't take him more than five minutes to gather whatever vegetables he needed. I waited three minutes and then I hid in the front office. Ryan came by.

RYAN: What are you doing?
ME: I'm hiding from someone.
RYAN: Who?
ME: This guy who cheated on one of my friends by soliciting sex to strangers, he is trying find out how my friend is doing through me and the very sight of him makes me want to vomit.

The manager-on-duty, named Jay, walked in.

JAY: What are you doing?
RYAN: She is hiding from someone.
JAY: Do we need to beat someone up?

I considered it.

ME: No. He needs to be paid no attention. I'm going to keep hiding.

I peaked out of the door. Richard Gere was in Crazy Red Head Vegan's line. I'm sure he was charming her in some way. Blech. I continued to hide. A minute later I looked and noticed he had left CRV's line. The coast was clear. I walked out of the office at the same time I noticed Richard Gere walking back to CRV's register. He had forgotten something. "Oh shit!" I thought and I broke into a sprint, running into the kitchen 20 feet to the left. I remained there for several minutes. There was no way Richard Gere would have missed seeing me running away at the sight of him. I might as well have stayed at my register and told him to his face that I don't want to talk to him...but this works too.