The Epi-Prologue

Epilogue

I did what I said I would do. I added many of last summer's fellow cashiers to my Facebook. I was dying to find out where everyone was and who was doing what. None of them ever knew about the blog except for one person.

Hero

Hero quit shortly after I did. I found out that he recruited a lot of private trombone students. I shared the blog with him because he is family, a fellow brass player. He knew something fishy was going on when he noticed me writing down interaction after interaction on a strip of receipt paper.

I gave him the URL. He told me that he looks forward to finding out who he is. He may not have read it all because......

Hero had a baby with his wife!! He is a proud papa. The baby is really cute too. I'm so happy for him.

Banshee

The last time I saw Banshee she had been through a horrible ordeal. I remembered that she was pretty miserable working as a head cashier. She was basically forced to step down from the position. She eventually left. She now works for Gamestop and Einstein Bros. Bagels. She is also back in school. Life is apparently going much easier for her. She said that her lack of stress helped her to quit smoking.

Jacob

Jacob left and became a flight attendant for American Airlines. He regularly posts photos of himself in different beautiful locations. He looks pretty happy and he's still really freaking handsome. I lament his gayness.

Sally Spec  & Ryan

I think these two are still together. They are both still working at the store. Ryan moved from head cashier to grocery so he could focus on school, I think. I know Sally is thinking of leaving soon. She told me all of the cool people left and the angry old ladies were still keeping things dark on the front end. It has turned into a high school and all people do is gossip. I can understand her wanting to leave.

Gaythan

Gaythan moved back to Virginia. I imagine he is a manager at a Food Lion somewhere. I only guess that because all of his grocery anecdotes began with, "When I was an assistant manager at Food Lion..." He wasn't happy here. I imagine he moved back to VA with his boyfriend. I hope he has had more than one slow dance since last August.


JV

The know-it-all, JV, is now a head cashier. I'm not surprised. I didn't add him on Facebook. I'm not curious about what he thinks about anything. Maybe I'll add him after this summer if he has learned to chill out.


Copycat

Copycat still works at this store. She is still as awkward as I expected her to be BUT she is happy and she is finding new and interesting ways to talk to people. I think that is pretty cool. I hope people are being kind to her.

Crazy Red Head Vegan

CRV dyed her hair BLUE and joined a nutrition business in town. She schedules her own hours and seems to be doing well. She posts a different but similar photo of her boot camp group every week. She speaks bitterly about her former cashier job and I imagine she is still crazy.


Prologue 

Nine months of trumpet teaching at a university and choral directing at a church, a totaled car, and many a bill for student loans later here I am, seeking employment for the summer. I debated putting in applications in many different places but at the same time I couldn't get my last conversation with Emmy out of my head.

EMMY: Good luck with your new job! We want you to know that for whatever reason if you want to come back you are 100% rehireable!
ME: How is that possible?
EMMY: We like you!

If this was true, if I was eligible for rehire, I could very easily be employed right away. I checked the store's website. There were no cashier positions available. I went ahead and gave Emmy a call. After I inquired about being rehired, her reply was:

EMMY: OH MY GOD YES WE'LL HIRE YOU!!

I'm pretty tickled that they hired me even though they don't need me. Another bonus? I could continue this blog! Since last summer, I have been desperately seeking something to write about. I started many other blogs, but no subject has been as fun as American people and how they treat others.

What If Nothing Happens?

I asked myself this many times. Maybe nothing new goes down. Maybe my coworkers are all gossip queens that I will be too annoyed with to write about. Maybe my customer interactions will all be boring and uneventful. Maybe I would just work this summer job and forget about blogging.

Then this happens on my first visit back to the store:

Update: O.C. Daisy

I almost didn't acknowledge her when I walked in but it was too late. She looked at me and she knew I saw her so I waved politely.  

DAISY: Heyyyy Darlin'! I was so happy to hear that you're coming back!
ME: Aww! I'm happy to BE back!

Ugggggggh.

Why the saccharine exchange? Why do you have to lie Daisy? We ended things peacefully last August yet I can't help but think that the minute I walk out the door, she is going to talk shit about me. Daisy is officially on social probation. I would be stupid to think she is a nice person now, but I also do hope that she is actually nice. I'm prepared for the worst here. Damn my optimism.

Daisy pointed me to the office and she said she would page management to meet me there.


Update: Grumpy Gill

Gill walks in the office to say hi. His greeting was warm, cheerful and not grumpy at all! He told me the store is busier than it has ever been. Maybe that's why he is a happy manager. He said it gets pretty crazy. I am pretty excited about that. Never a dull moment. I only worry that I will not be able to jot down notes like I used to. I do have a handheld digital voice recorder. I may need to bust that out and take notes down Captain Kirk style.  

Update: Roz

I was to meet Roz for filling out paperwork. She asked if I was going to just be in for the summer. I plan to leave after summer if I can get a private studio going in addition to teaching at the university and working at t he church. I do need to buy a new car. I honestly don't know what the hell I am going to do. I shared with Roz how I also have to take care of a house and two dogs. At the mention of dogs, she lit up.

ROZ: Oh I LOVE dogs.  They are so sweet and the love unconditionally.
ME: Right? There is nothing they want more in this world, than to be pet on the head.

She asked me what kind of dogs I have. I gladly shared this information.

ROZ: You know, if I could do it all over again, I would have NO children.

Wow. Hold on.

ME: [nervous laughter] Are your children aware of this?
ROZ: They aren't aware of much.

Roz just cursed her children's existence. This is gold. She walked out to get me two new ugly green t-shirts. While she was gone, I grabbed the nearest blank sheet of paper to jot down what I had just heard. Roz came back and I had to go through the signing of papers, one after the other. She emphatically threw down the attendance and the tardiness policy agreement. She laughed, I laughed. She said the attendance policy is new, a point system (NOT new). If I am late 9 times, my employment will be terminated. I laughed again. I did tell her that I planned to be punctual this summer.

That remains to be seen.

Day Thirty Eight

Update: Cake Eyes

It was 8am and I was alone with Cake Eyes on the front end. While checking out my own customers I listened to how she talked with her customers. She seemed to know her customers personally and she made good conversation with them. It makes sense. There are probably shoppers that come into the store on fixed days at fixed times. Cake Eyes is the only person who gets a fixed schedule, no wonder she has a lot of regulars. She opens the store at 7am and leaves at 2pm, Monday through Friday.

An hour later, Mad Kathy came in and we were discussing how I slammed my finger in my car door the previous night. It was bruised and I couldn't bend it. I took Advil for the pain but it didn't seem to work.

ME: I do have hydrocodone at home.
KATHY: That stuff works.
ME: Yeah I should take that, then I would be really entertaining at work.
CAKE EYES: [walked over to us] Did someone say hydrocodone?
ME: Yes. My finger is super bruised. I'm in extreme pain.
CAKE EYES: I take hydrocodone twice a day.
ME: Egads! Why do you take that much hydrocodone?
CAKE EYES: I have a bunch of rods and metal in my lower back. I can't stand for long.
ME: How did that happen?
CAKE EYES: When I was young I was a cheerleader. I practiced every day and every night. I jumped and I jumped and I tumbled millions of times over and over for years and years. I loved it but it messed up my back.
ME: Did you cheer in college?
CAKE EYES: No, but I did teach elementary school cheerleaders. I loved it.

Customers came along and cut our conversation short. Cake Eyes, cheerleader for life? She does still look like a cheerleader, just old with tons of eye shadow. She wears a khaki skirt and her hair in a ponytail everyday. Cheerleader. After her shift she came through my line with her usual two large bottles of Chardonnay. Chardonnay with hydrocodone. How the hell is she NOT in a coma?

ME: So when were you born?
CAKE EYES: I was born in 1955.
ME: Ah, you were a teen in the 70s. Did you wear bell bottoms?
CAKE EYES: Oh yeah, bell bottoms and flower power! Woo! [I handed her receipt and she walked off]

I was concerned for Cake Eyes but I was also glad that we were getting along better. I'm so glad that drugs and 70s fashion have allowed us to bond.

More New Rules

Roz came up to me to share the new attendance policy with me, which was probably inspired by me.


ROZ: New attendance rule. If you're late 8 times, you get an instant final warning. One more tardy after that? Your employment will be terminated.
ME: 8 times? Sheesh.
ROZ: If this was a rule before now, you would be in trouble.

True. I really should try to make it to work on time. The only fishy thing was, I never heard Roz share this new rule with anyone else. I also didn't have to sign anything indicating that I am aware of the new rule. Maybe they really just wanted me to show up on time and they were sending higher ups to scare me with more strict fake rules. Cute.

A Word of Advice:

Don't joke about cancer with the elderly.


ME: Hi! How is your morning going?
OLD LADY: Lovely! How about yours?
ME: Mine is great too! I got up early and walked the dogs. The weather is so nice before the sun comes up.
OLD LADY: I agree.
ME: It's nice to be outdoors without worrying that I going to get skin cancer. [I laughed]

She stopped talking to me. I felt like an ass. What if she had skin cancer? Her parents? Her friends? Stupid Miranda.

Update: Ryan and Sally Spec

Sally Spec came in with makeup on! She never wears make up. She has the kind of clean pretty face that doesn't need makeup.

ME: Your makeup looks nice!
SALLY: Yeah, Ryan (her boyfriend, our head cashier) has to work a 12 hour shift today. He is so tired already from working so much that I knew he would be in a bad mood, so I decided to look nice. I made his lunch and I baked him cookies.
ME: Girlfriend of the year!
SALLY: Yeah, I like him.

I watched whenever Sally and Ryan were talking by themselves. I saw Ryan smiling at Sally like he thinks she is the best girl ever. They are sweet.

Old Lady #12

An old lady bought groceries from my line and walked off to her car with her cart after checking out. A minute later she ran back in holding a bag of carrots.


OLD LADY: I'm so sorry dear. I almost stole these. Whew!
ME: A dollar of carrots? You crook!
OLD LADY: If ever go to jail, I'm going to go for a real reason.

Richard Gere: Part Three

Copycat went on break and she came through my line to buy some food. Every time Copycat buys things from my register, she greets me the exact same way even if she greeted me the same way three times that day so far.


COPYCAT: Hi. How are you doing today?
ME: You already greeted me that way. Greet me another way.
COPYCAT: Okay. [she thought for a while and nervously laughed] I don't know!
ME: You could say, "Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?"
COPYCAT: Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?
ME: Target! Can you believe it?
COPYCAT: Wow. I like it.
ME: Do you shop at Target?
COPYCAT: Sometimes I do with my sister.

That's when, behind Copycat's head, I saw Richard Gere walk in with basket in hand. I wanted to vomit. I finished my transaction with Copycat and timed out when exactly this sex addict-cheater-jerk would walk through my line. He is on a juicing diet so it wouldn't take him more than five minutes to gather whatever vegetables he needed. I waited three minutes and then I hid in the front office. Ryan came by.

RYAN: What are you doing?
ME: I'm hiding from someone.
RYAN: Who?
ME: This guy who cheated on one of my friends by soliciting sex to strangers, he is trying find out how my friend is doing through me and the very sight of him makes me want to vomit.

The manager-on-duty, named Jay, walked in.

JAY: What are you doing?
RYAN: She is hiding from someone.
JAY: Do we need to beat someone up?

I considered it.

ME: No. He needs to be paid no attention. I'm going to keep hiding.

I peaked out of the door. Richard Gere was in Crazy Red Head Vegan's line. I'm sure he was charming her in some way. Blech. I continued to hide. A minute later I looked and noticed he had left CRV's line. The coast was clear. I walked out of the office at the same time I noticed Richard Gere walking back to CRV's register. He had forgotten something. "Oh shit!" I thought and I broke into a sprint, running into the kitchen 20 feet to the left. I remained there for several minutes. There was no way Richard Gere would have missed seeing me running away at the sight of him. I might as well have stayed at my register and told him to his face that I don't want to talk to him...but this works too.

Day Thirty Four

New Rules

It had been a while since my behavior had inspired new rules to be enforced. As I walked up to my register at the beginning of my shift, Patti stopped me to let me know that there are new rules concerning cell phones at registers. Cell phones used to be allowed in our drawers or in our pockets but lately, employees (meaning me) have been checking texts and browsing the web at the register too much. Patti was so cute, she tried to open the employee manual and show me a highlighted sentence where cell phones are not permitted.

ME: Patti, you really don't have to do that.
PATTI: I was told I had to show everyone that line.
ME: Let's pretend you did.
PATTI: Now they are saying they will give you a written warning if you are caught with your cell phone at a register!
ME: Patti. If they fired me at this point they would be doing me a favor.

Patti laughed and dropped the manual on my register. I'm assuming this rule was enforced by one of the old ladies. Probably O.C.Daisy. Good for her, trying to take this job so seriously. I'll be sure to ruin her efforts.

Old Lady #9

ME: How are you today?
OLD LADY: I'm good as long as it doesn't rain before I get home.
ME: Is it going to rain today?
OLD LADY: My knees say it's going to rain.
ME: Your knees?
OLD LADY: Yes.
ME: It looks sunny outside. Are you sure your knees didn't mean sunny or partly cloudy?
OLD LADY: 100% chance of rain.

It rained that afternoon.

Update: Ryan

Ryan was one of the head cashiers today. He used to be in the army, which is a blessing and a curse. Boot camp and his super disciplined workout regimen gave him one of those fat-less muscle-y bodies that inspires a slack-jawed stare, even in an ugly green t-shirt. The downside to his being in the army is the way he lets everyone out on break. To Ryan, you are on break as soon as he says so. To Ryan, it is your fault if you kill your break time cleaning up your register before you go into the store or the employee's lounge. To Ryan, If you're on a 15 minute break, you start walking back at 13.5 minutes. To Ryan, lunches are 30 minutes and NO LESS. You will be paged if you are a second late.

I like Ryan, I really do. We usually laugh a lot and are pretty chummy but today when he walked over to me mid-sandwich to tell me my break was over, I couldn't help but chew slower, move slower and take a few extra seconds to stretch, slowly. Cashier jobs are hard on the back and even if you make your own lunch or snacks, the breaks never seem long enough. Not all of us have Apollo's belt to help us stand up for eight hours a day. My lunches lately began to seem more and more like 25 minutes and breaks were more like ten, so I made a point of announcing to Ryan what the clock on my phone says before I walk away.

ME: It's 3:40PM and I am going on my break now.
RYAN: It's actually 3:42 and your break started at 3:40.
ME: It's 3:40PM and my body officially went of break as of right now.
RYAN: Two minutes ago.
ME: I'll be back at 3:55, whatever that means to your watch.

When I came back, he said I was a minute late and I told him his watch is fast. Ryan is a hard working, punctual, ultra disciplined 20 year-old in the Army, I get it. I think it's so adorable that he wants to apply these qualities at his job. I'm sure this disciplinary business will get him somewhere someday, but for now I'll be here to patronize him every time he wants to shave a minute off my breaks.

Old Lady and Old Man #10

An elderly couple came into my line. The old man was in a motorized cart.

OLD MAN: Remember me? I was sitting over there watching you eat!
OLD LADY: Stop creeping the girl out.
OLD MAN: I was just waiting for you to finish shopping, she was eating over there where I was waiting. [he looks to me] She takes forever.
OLD LADY: Every time I thought I was done you told me to get something else!
OLD MAN: And you took a long time getting it!
ME: Cut it out kids or I will turn this car around!

They stopped, they laughed and they forgot one more thing, of course.

Credit Debbie

A little girl came into my line with a bunch of candy from the bulk section. After I gave her the total, she handed me a credit card.

ME: Did your mom or dad hand you this credit card to use here?
GIRL: [spoken with snoot] Actually it's MY credit card.


This girl looked no older than eight years old. I couldn't help but think this was a scene from Home Alone. She had a little bit of makeup on and was wearing a black t-shirt with "Lights, Camera, FABULOUS!" written in pink glitter on the front. Interesting. Maybe her parents are letting her play "adult" and putting a little bit of money on a prepaid card. Maybe this kid's parents are well to do and swiping a credit card is the most strenuous activity this girl will have to do until she grows old. Either way, where are this little kid's parents?

Day Twenty Five

C'mon Latte...

I do not need to retell the dangers of my being tired, hungover or both. Today I was TIRED. I sang at a service this morning and logged in some office hours afterward. I left the office to come here and stand on my feet for 8 hours. By the time I reached the store I realized that I had already been awake for 9 hours. I forgot how much energy is required of me to do what I do as a choral director/solo singer at a church: Be ultra-friendly, have perfect posture, stand in heels, solve problems, have my mind fixated on constantly breathing, plan music, etc. I decided that Sundays would be the day I drink a latte between jobs. Today I had a sneaky feeling that Starbucks (or "Fourbucks" as a friend calls it) slipped me a decaf. I never regained speed. You know you're tired when the mere mention of a customer deciding to have a "lazy day" reduces you to tears.

Updates

Speedy Gonzales returned to work today. she had been gone so long that I thought she quit. Today she was not as quick as she usually is, not as spastic either. Maybe being tired is contagious.

Serious Stu engaged in conversation with me for the first time. He seems very nice. Not funny, but nice.

I went to Cute Guy, Maybe (Not Really)'s register to buy five dark chocolate covered almonds. He gave me shit for using my discount card on 39 cents of food. I understand how ridiculous it looks, but I gave myself a $1 snacking limit at work. CG doesn't understand what it means to have to be on a budget, perhaps since he is the son of the president of the company. Life must be really hard for that guy.

I found out that my head cashier, Ryan, has been dating Sally Spec for 8 months. OooooOOOOoooooh! I am happy for them. They don't act like a couple in the store at all. They do this because head cashiers are not allowed to fraternize with cashiers. Before they dated, Ryan would call Sally from work to get her to cover for someone, then used that phone call as an excuse to talk to her. Cute.

According to Sally, O.C.Daisy is still giving me dirty looks. I the next time I work next to her I think I will talk about dental care.

Social Sue

This woman was impressive. She was second in my line, talking to my current customer about something she was going to buy and laughing to the side to catch the attention of the male customer in the line opposite mine, grabbing the attention of both the customer his cashier. She expanded the social space to customers behind her as well, gathering their commentary. She had everyone talking and she was in the center of it all, with a cackling but contagious laugh. I don't even remember what the subject was, maybe hummus. All I know is the joyful, slightly crazy woman had everyone smiling, laughing and talking to each other. What's so hard about world peace, again?

A Word of Advice:

Own up to your mistakes. A woman came through my line and didn't put the PLU number on the bulk item she bought. I rang the item up as raw almonds. I should have asked her what it was, but the line was long and I wanted to move a bit faster to get people out of there. Later on that night, the woman came back, saying I rang her up for the wrong  item. I apologized. My manager came over to handle the exchange. The correct PLU would have rung her up for an item that was 86 cents. She was mad that she had to drive back up to the store to get this corrected. She insisted that she put the number on there. I, for damn sure, know that she didn't. I stuck to my story. If I saw a PLU code I would have entered it. The more I said, "I saw no number," the angrier she became. Then after my manager exchanged the prices, she said she wanted a different new bag of almonds because he touched the bag. We ended up having to throw her almonds away. So what I gathered was this: She wasted more than her return in gas to come back to the store and lie about how she didn't follow procedure then bitch about the necessary procedure of handling a bag for a price correction. We would have given her the money back even without the lies and dramatics. What a piece of work.

Observation:

People from London are so charming when they speak English. They say "lovely" instead of "thanks" and "cheers" instead of "bye." When my English customers come by, I am whisked away to a marvelous place where all I do is sip tea and wear fancy hats. Also, when you bring up where they are from they instantly refer you to the best Indian restaurant in the city. I'm thinking that may be just because I am Indian, but also, maybe they would divulge that information anyway. Just an observation.