The Epi-Prologue

Epilogue

I did what I said I would do. I added many of last summer's fellow cashiers to my Facebook. I was dying to find out where everyone was and who was doing what. None of them ever knew about the blog except for one person.

Hero

Hero quit shortly after I did. I found out that he recruited a lot of private trombone students. I shared the blog with him because he is family, a fellow brass player. He knew something fishy was going on when he noticed me writing down interaction after interaction on a strip of receipt paper.

I gave him the URL. He told me that he looks forward to finding out who he is. He may not have read it all because......

Hero had a baby with his wife!! He is a proud papa. The baby is really cute too. I'm so happy for him.

Banshee

The last time I saw Banshee she had been through a horrible ordeal. I remembered that she was pretty miserable working as a head cashier. She was basically forced to step down from the position. She eventually left. She now works for Gamestop and Einstein Bros. Bagels. She is also back in school. Life is apparently going much easier for her. She said that her lack of stress helped her to quit smoking.

Jacob

Jacob left and became a flight attendant for American Airlines. He regularly posts photos of himself in different beautiful locations. He looks pretty happy and he's still really freaking handsome. I lament his gayness.

Sally Spec  & Ryan

I think these two are still together. They are both still working at the store. Ryan moved from head cashier to grocery so he could focus on school, I think. I know Sally is thinking of leaving soon. She told me all of the cool people left and the angry old ladies were still keeping things dark on the front end. It has turned into a high school and all people do is gossip. I can understand her wanting to leave.

Gaythan

Gaythan moved back to Virginia. I imagine he is a manager at a Food Lion somewhere. I only guess that because all of his grocery anecdotes began with, "When I was an assistant manager at Food Lion..." He wasn't happy here. I imagine he moved back to VA with his boyfriend. I hope he has had more than one slow dance since last August.


JV

The know-it-all, JV, is now a head cashier. I'm not surprised. I didn't add him on Facebook. I'm not curious about what he thinks about anything. Maybe I'll add him after this summer if he has learned to chill out.


Copycat

Copycat still works at this store. She is still as awkward as I expected her to be BUT she is happy and she is finding new and interesting ways to talk to people. I think that is pretty cool. I hope people are being kind to her.

Crazy Red Head Vegan

CRV dyed her hair BLUE and joined a nutrition business in town. She schedules her own hours and seems to be doing well. She posts a different but similar photo of her boot camp group every week. She speaks bitterly about her former cashier job and I imagine she is still crazy.


Prologue 

Nine months of trumpet teaching at a university and choral directing at a church, a totaled car, and many a bill for student loans later here I am, seeking employment for the summer. I debated putting in applications in many different places but at the same time I couldn't get my last conversation with Emmy out of my head.

EMMY: Good luck with your new job! We want you to know that for whatever reason if you want to come back you are 100% rehireable!
ME: How is that possible?
EMMY: We like you!

If this was true, if I was eligible for rehire, I could very easily be employed right away. I checked the store's website. There were no cashier positions available. I went ahead and gave Emmy a call. After I inquired about being rehired, her reply was:

EMMY: OH MY GOD YES WE'LL HIRE YOU!!

I'm pretty tickled that they hired me even though they don't need me. Another bonus? I could continue this blog! Since last summer, I have been desperately seeking something to write about. I started many other blogs, but no subject has been as fun as American people and how they treat others.

What If Nothing Happens?

I asked myself this many times. Maybe nothing new goes down. Maybe my coworkers are all gossip queens that I will be too annoyed with to write about. Maybe my customer interactions will all be boring and uneventful. Maybe I would just work this summer job and forget about blogging.

Then this happens on my first visit back to the store:

Update: O.C. Daisy

I almost didn't acknowledge her when I walked in but it was too late. She looked at me and she knew I saw her so I waved politely.  

DAISY: Heyyyy Darlin'! I was so happy to hear that you're coming back!
ME: Aww! I'm happy to BE back!

Ugggggggh.

Why the saccharine exchange? Why do you have to lie Daisy? We ended things peacefully last August yet I can't help but think that the minute I walk out the door, she is going to talk shit about me. Daisy is officially on social probation. I would be stupid to think she is a nice person now, but I also do hope that she is actually nice. I'm prepared for the worst here. Damn my optimism.

Daisy pointed me to the office and she said she would page management to meet me there.


Update: Grumpy Gill

Gill walks in the office to say hi. His greeting was warm, cheerful and not grumpy at all! He told me the store is busier than it has ever been. Maybe that's why he is a happy manager. He said it gets pretty crazy. I am pretty excited about that. Never a dull moment. I only worry that I will not be able to jot down notes like I used to. I do have a handheld digital voice recorder. I may need to bust that out and take notes down Captain Kirk style.  

Update: Roz

I was to meet Roz for filling out paperwork. She asked if I was going to just be in for the summer. I plan to leave after summer if I can get a private studio going in addition to teaching at the university and working at t he church. I do need to buy a new car. I honestly don't know what the hell I am going to do. I shared with Roz how I also have to take care of a house and two dogs. At the mention of dogs, she lit up.

ROZ: Oh I LOVE dogs.  They are so sweet and the love unconditionally.
ME: Right? There is nothing they want more in this world, than to be pet on the head.

She asked me what kind of dogs I have. I gladly shared this information.

ROZ: You know, if I could do it all over again, I would have NO children.

Wow. Hold on.

ME: [nervous laughter] Are your children aware of this?
ROZ: They aren't aware of much.

Roz just cursed her children's existence. This is gold. She walked out to get me two new ugly green t-shirts. While she was gone, I grabbed the nearest blank sheet of paper to jot down what I had just heard. Roz came back and I had to go through the signing of papers, one after the other. She emphatically threw down the attendance and the tardiness policy agreement. She laughed, I laughed. She said the attendance policy is new, a point system (NOT new). If I am late 9 times, my employment will be terminated. I laughed again. I did tell her that I planned to be punctual this summer.

That remains to be seen.

Day Forty One

 Old Man #12

Have you ever been so tired that you cannot and should not operate machinery? That was me today. After I endangered a dozen or so lives while driving to work I attempted to handle a cash register. I screwed up A LOT. I had charged people twice for items, I entered the wrong PLU codes and I would somehow charge people for 25 of an item when they only bought 2.

In came an old man with a cap on that read "Old dude with achy breaky parts."

ME: Billy Ray Cyrus? [pointing to the old man's cap]
OLD MAN: Who?

I laughed. I kept entering the wrong PLU codes and the old man kept questioning the screen.

OLD MAN: Is that asparagus?
ME: [holding celery] I'm so sorry. I'm so tired my fingers keep hitting the wrong buttons.

This happened so many times that I had to get head cashier Patti to scan her card to allow for all the voids. She stuck around to help me bag groceries because I was going so slow. I felt so bad. This transaction took much longer than it should have.

ME: I am SO sorry sir. [I finally handed him his receipt] I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused you during this transaction.
OLD MAN: You have a wonderful smile. You could never cause me any pain.
PATTI: Woo! It's gettin' deep in here. I'm gonna need my boots!

The Cashier Exodus

Sally Spec walked up to me with a frown on her face.

SALLY: It looks like we are definitely going to have to keep our hair up from now on.
ME: What?
 

It was what I feared. She explained to me how Ryan was no longer going to be a head cashier so that he can transfer to grocery, cut his hours and attend school. O.C.Daisy was going to be the new head cashier. I tried to imagine what this new environment would be like. Tied up hair, tucked in shirts and being called "darlin" by someone who hates me. I didn't take another breath before I had resolved to submit my two week notice.

I took out a blank sheet of paper and did the very thing I criticized Heartless Lucy for doing, hand writing my letter. It was the gesture of immediately handing in a resignation at the news of Daisy's promotion that I was after. I had originally planned to stay as a cashier to the end of August.

I explained in the letter that I was offered two new jobs, one as an adjunct professor of trumpet at a state university, the other as an assistant director of music for a church. I mentioned how much I appreciated them taking me in as a cashier and how it meant more to me than simply having a job to transition me from my doctoral coursework to professional employment. Having the opportunity to interact with customers and coworkers is what I enjoyed most. I also enjoyed the exercise of writing about these interactions but I didn't admit to that in the resignation. I actually felt a slight tug in my heart strings when I handed the letter to Emmy.

EMMY: [looking at the letter, she gasped] I know what this means! You are going to start that bucket list! I do NOT want that to happen!

Oh yeah, the bucket list. I made a list in my mind of things I would do in my last days of employment. I would sometimes share this list with Emmy for a laugh.

1. Tell customers to put back items where they found them and that I would wait until they come back. This store isn't that big.
2. Rude people do not receive direct eye contact, but a look just past them to the left or the right of their faces.
3. Whenever I witnessed a parent being awful to their kid, I would complain of having a huge headache all of a sudden and that I would return after getting some aspirin.

...just to name a few. Every time something messed up happened in the store, I would add my dream reaction to the bucket list, vowing to react that way at the appropriate time. I assured Emmy that these things wouldn't happen...maybe. She reminded me that we still needed to play "Johnny Be Good" on the trumpet sometime. That would will probably never happen, but I always reply, "Yeah!"

The Best Kid, Ever

Two parents and their son came through my line today with a ton of groceries. We made the usual pleasant conversation as I rang in items. The little boy helped his mom get items out of the cart to place them on the belt. Once he finished helping he walked forward until something caught his eye: the container of organic lollipops. He stared at them for a long time. He didn't touch the container. He didn't say, "Mom, look! Can I have one?" It was obvious that he had been trained by his parents to never beg. The staring went on for several minutes and his jaw slackened as he inspected around the sides, checking out each and every flavor. It was hard to watch without laughing out loud. How was he not drooling? He moved aside so that his mom could swipe her card. I grabbed the container and pulled out all of the flavors. Instead of going to the kid though, I looked at the mom first.

ME: Your kid is one of the best behaved kids I have ever seen.
MOM: Thank you!
ME: I would like to offer him a lollipop, is that okay?
MOM: Yes!

I thought I had already seen this kid's eyes open as wide as they could. I was wrong. He looked at the lollipops as though this flavor decision would be life altering. He chose watermelon. He said thank you without the parents prompting him to say so. Amazing parents. Amazing kid.

Carbs

The latte I drank before work had worn off and I became more tired than when my shift started. Lines were getting long when a group of skinny pre-teen girls came into my line. They only had a couple of snacks. One of the girls was checking nutritional information on the back of a pack of candy before she was going to let me scan it. She made a comment about how many carbs were in her food item. The other girl made a disapproving moan. She told me she was going to replace the item with something else really quick and that she would be back. I watched them both hurry off as I turned around to face Sally Spec.

ME: That fatless fetus is checking carbs. WHY AMERICA?!

I wasn't aware of how far my booming man voice had carried. There was an echo. Customers in my line and Sally's line stared at me. Some laughed. I didn't mean to say it that loudly. The girls came back and just bought flavored water. They put away all of their foods. I didn't know what to say. On one hand I was happy that they put the food away themselves. On the other hand, I wish those girls knew that they weren't going to gain a pound from the snacks they were going to buy. In addition to the small pack of candy they were going to buy a small pack of fruit snacks and a small four pack of Lucy's gluten free, dairy free cookies. As one who is experienced in being previously fat (to clarify, a person who has (several times) come down from having too large a body mass index for her height and gender through exercise and good diet), I can say that without a doubt they would have been fine. They hardly looked like they were being fed in the first place. I shook my head and moved on to the next customer.

Day Thirty Eight

Update: Cake Eyes

It was 8am and I was alone with Cake Eyes on the front end. While checking out my own customers I listened to how she talked with her customers. She seemed to know her customers personally and she made good conversation with them. It makes sense. There are probably shoppers that come into the store on fixed days at fixed times. Cake Eyes is the only person who gets a fixed schedule, no wonder she has a lot of regulars. She opens the store at 7am and leaves at 2pm, Monday through Friday.

An hour later, Mad Kathy came in and we were discussing how I slammed my finger in my car door the previous night. It was bruised and I couldn't bend it. I took Advil for the pain but it didn't seem to work.

ME: I do have hydrocodone at home.
KATHY: That stuff works.
ME: Yeah I should take that, then I would be really entertaining at work.
CAKE EYES: [walked over to us] Did someone say hydrocodone?
ME: Yes. My finger is super bruised. I'm in extreme pain.
CAKE EYES: I take hydrocodone twice a day.
ME: Egads! Why do you take that much hydrocodone?
CAKE EYES: I have a bunch of rods and metal in my lower back. I can't stand for long.
ME: How did that happen?
CAKE EYES: When I was young I was a cheerleader. I practiced every day and every night. I jumped and I jumped and I tumbled millions of times over and over for years and years. I loved it but it messed up my back.
ME: Did you cheer in college?
CAKE EYES: No, but I did teach elementary school cheerleaders. I loved it.

Customers came along and cut our conversation short. Cake Eyes, cheerleader for life? She does still look like a cheerleader, just old with tons of eye shadow. She wears a khaki skirt and her hair in a ponytail everyday. Cheerleader. After her shift she came through my line with her usual two large bottles of Chardonnay. Chardonnay with hydrocodone. How the hell is she NOT in a coma?

ME: So when were you born?
CAKE EYES: I was born in 1955.
ME: Ah, you were a teen in the 70s. Did you wear bell bottoms?
CAKE EYES: Oh yeah, bell bottoms and flower power! Woo! [I handed her receipt and she walked off]

I was concerned for Cake Eyes but I was also glad that we were getting along better. I'm so glad that drugs and 70s fashion have allowed us to bond.

More New Rules

Roz came up to me to share the new attendance policy with me, which was probably inspired by me.


ROZ: New attendance rule. If you're late 8 times, you get an instant final warning. One more tardy after that? Your employment will be terminated.
ME: 8 times? Sheesh.
ROZ: If this was a rule before now, you would be in trouble.

True. I really should try to make it to work on time. The only fishy thing was, I never heard Roz share this new rule with anyone else. I also didn't have to sign anything indicating that I am aware of the new rule. Maybe they really just wanted me to show up on time and they were sending higher ups to scare me with more strict fake rules. Cute.

A Word of Advice:

Don't joke about cancer with the elderly.


ME: Hi! How is your morning going?
OLD LADY: Lovely! How about yours?
ME: Mine is great too! I got up early and walked the dogs. The weather is so nice before the sun comes up.
OLD LADY: I agree.
ME: It's nice to be outdoors without worrying that I going to get skin cancer. [I laughed]

She stopped talking to me. I felt like an ass. What if she had skin cancer? Her parents? Her friends? Stupid Miranda.

Update: Ryan and Sally Spec

Sally Spec came in with makeup on! She never wears make up. She has the kind of clean pretty face that doesn't need makeup.

ME: Your makeup looks nice!
SALLY: Yeah, Ryan (her boyfriend, our head cashier) has to work a 12 hour shift today. He is so tired already from working so much that I knew he would be in a bad mood, so I decided to look nice. I made his lunch and I baked him cookies.
ME: Girlfriend of the year!
SALLY: Yeah, I like him.

I watched whenever Sally and Ryan were talking by themselves. I saw Ryan smiling at Sally like he thinks she is the best girl ever. They are sweet.

Old Lady #12

An old lady bought groceries from my line and walked off to her car with her cart after checking out. A minute later she ran back in holding a bag of carrots.


OLD LADY: I'm so sorry dear. I almost stole these. Whew!
ME: A dollar of carrots? You crook!
OLD LADY: If ever go to jail, I'm going to go for a real reason.

Richard Gere: Part Three

Copycat went on break and she came through my line to buy some food. Every time Copycat buys things from my register, she greets me the exact same way even if she greeted me the same way three times that day so far.


COPYCAT: Hi. How are you doing today?
ME: You already greeted me that way. Greet me another way.
COPYCAT: Okay. [she thought for a while and nervously laughed] I don't know!
ME: You could say, "Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?"
COPYCAT: Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?
ME: Target! Can you believe it?
COPYCAT: Wow. I like it.
ME: Do you shop at Target?
COPYCAT: Sometimes I do with my sister.

That's when, behind Copycat's head, I saw Richard Gere walk in with basket in hand. I wanted to vomit. I finished my transaction with Copycat and timed out when exactly this sex addict-cheater-jerk would walk through my line. He is on a juicing diet so it wouldn't take him more than five minutes to gather whatever vegetables he needed. I waited three minutes and then I hid in the front office. Ryan came by.

RYAN: What are you doing?
ME: I'm hiding from someone.
RYAN: Who?
ME: This guy who cheated on one of my friends by soliciting sex to strangers, he is trying find out how my friend is doing through me and the very sight of him makes me want to vomit.

The manager-on-duty, named Jay, walked in.

JAY: What are you doing?
RYAN: She is hiding from someone.
JAY: Do we need to beat someone up?

I considered it.

ME: No. He needs to be paid no attention. I'm going to keep hiding.

I peaked out of the door. Richard Gere was in Crazy Red Head Vegan's line. I'm sure he was charming her in some way. Blech. I continued to hide. A minute later I looked and noticed he had left CRV's line. The coast was clear. I walked out of the office at the same time I noticed Richard Gere walking back to CRV's register. He had forgotten something. "Oh shit!" I thought and I broke into a sprint, running into the kitchen 20 feet to the left. I remained there for several minutes. There was no way Richard Gere would have missed seeing me running away at the sight of him. I might as well have stayed at my register and told him to his face that I don't want to talk to him...but this works too.

Day Thirty Seven

Update: No Shit Talking Rule

The "No Shit Talking" rule had been in effect for a little over a week. I was loving it. So were some of my fellow employees. I don't have to talk about other people behind their backs to be entertained at work, but I know that some of the younger employees have a harder time with this rule. The no shit talking rule happened because of serial shit-talking old ladies like O.C.Daisy and Cake Eyes, but young people like Sally Spec and Crazy Red Head Vegan had to work to talk about other things than the grumbling old ladies at work. Banshee (who is, by the way, looking more and more pregnant but apparently is not pregnant) told me that the new rule was drawing fire from angry older cashiers. I responded to Banshee by giving her a high five. The cashiers are going to grow up, damn it.

Rude Judy and the Central Market Boys

An unhappy looking woman came into my line with her sons. They had a ton of Central Market reusable bags that they handed to me to pack what would have been an insanely large amount of groceries. Thankfully, Sweet Nate came along to help me with this one. I began to ring in the food items, when I looked at the unhappy woman.

ME: Cheer up! Life is not THAT bad.

No response. I continued to scan groceries and attempted to talk to her again.

ME: Have any fun plans this weekend?

No response again. Maybe she was having a bad day. No smiling for this lady, not today. Nate began to bag the groceries and the unhappy lady started to order him around, telling him what to put in each bag. She took certain items out of certain bags and Nate had to correct the bag organization. Why didn't she just bag all of this her damn self? Why couldn't she get one of her useless sons to help so she can yell at one of them instead of my guy? She continued to speak condescendingly to Sweet Nate, which began to make me mad. Nate was annoyed but continued to help and be the only thing he knows how to be: nice. I couldn't figure out what her problem was. Some people have a bad day, but they tend to express their frustrations about the day. Some people are tired and don't feel like talking, but they aren't bitches about it. Some people experience loss or tragedy but still need their groceries. I can sense when people are sad, their expressions are morose and gloomy. I couldn't figure this one out. She was bossy, mean, unhappy and obsessive compulsive about what goes in what bag. The only thing I could imagine was that she was a recent divorcee...or soon to be.

After what seemed like an eternity of this bullshit, the transaction was finally over. After she paid, I tried one more time to talk to her.

ME: Here is your receipt. Have a nice day.

She didn't respond, she took the receipt and began walking away. After walking away five feet, I said one last thing.

ME: Next time use the word 'PLEASE'.

Bitch.

Buster and the Mayor of Crazyville

A relatively new grocery bagger, named Buster, seems to like bagging groceries for me. I noticed that he doesn't volunteer to bag for many other cashiers. I think he is dismissed by the others. He is kind of a lazy person and has to be constantly reminded of what to do, probably because he hates his job and doesn't want to do it, but he always seems to jump up to my register first when it gets busy. I do always make sure to include him in the conversation with customers, maybe that's why he is always willing to help me out.

This lady came into my line that was on her cell phone yelling at whoever was on the other side of the conversation. I ignored whatever she was saying and began to ring in her groceries while Buster helped bag. The woman finally got off the phone, dramatically scoffing and sighing.

BUSTER: Ma'am I began bagging in plastic. Is that okay or would you like paper?
WOMAN: [points at Buster] When you get married, you LISTEN to your wife!
ME: Ma'am? This is Buster, not your husband. Don't yell at him.
WOMAN: I just speak sternly. I never yell at people.
ME: You can stop pointing at him too, ma'am.

The crazy woman put her arm down and laughed...and for once, Buster wished he wasn't helping me.

Update: Cute Guy Maybe (Not Really)

My manager gave me an envelope during my shift. It was a birthday card (delivered two weeks late) from the president of the company, the father of Cute Guy. It seemed like forever ago that Cute Guy quit. I wondered how he was doing, how drunk he might be at that very moment, and how uninvolved or unaware his dad was of CG's suffering (Cute Guy's mom died in the past year). I hoped Cute Guy was doing alright, wherever he was.

Lazy Susan

A couple came into my line with a small basket of groceries. It was mostly the guy's groceries. The girl went second and only had a couple of things.

GIRL: I don't want these. [she hands me a bunch of grapes]
GUY: Just put those back yourself, it's right there [he motioned to a place ten feet away]
GIRL: She can put it back. [motioning to me]
GUY: [rolled his eyes, shaking his head]

After the guy's transaction was over I began to ring in the girl's groceries.

GIRL: I got $5.39 in cashews? Is that right?
ME: Yes. They are $8.99 a pound.
GIRL: Put it back. I am not paying five dollars for that.
ME: I can't put it back. Once you take food out of the bulk bins they are either purchased or thrown away. Never put back.
GIRL: I'm not going to get them.
GUY: Wow. [shaking his head]

Wow, indeed. How hard is it to check the price or use the scales available in the bulk section? What a wasteful, lazy person. Now I am throwing away $5 of cashews someone else could have eaten. Even her boyfriend thinks she is an embarrassment.

Scream Train

It was close to the end of the night when I heard it. Screaming. Happy screaming, but screaming nonetheless. The screamer was mobile. I looked toward the back of the store and could not locate the source. It went on for 20 minutes. I had to tend to customers and the screaming continued. Whatever it was, I was sure its head was rotating over its shoulders and an exorcism would have to take place.

Finally the screamer and his enabler came into view with his family to check out groceries in JV's line. An adult man was chasing around what looked like a two year old boy. The boy was adorable, but the screaming was not. The mother noticed all of us glaring and tried to ask the adult man to stop. He continued to make the kid scream and run around. I began to feel my head throbbing in pain. I blamed the mother. This was mostly the fault of the stupid adult male, but if the mother had a spine she could shut that shit down if she wanted to. They finally left when I saw my next customers. Two men and an adorable QUIET little girl. I pulled a quarter out of my pocket and made a quick transaction before helping these men out. I grabbed my container of lollipops and looked to the girl.

ME: For being so good and so quiet, you get to have a lollipop!
DAD: Ooh! What do you say?
GIRL: [in the softest whisper] Thank you!

Update: J.V.

My coworkers were pretty pleasant to be around today. I had some good conversations with JV, CRV and Gaythan toward the end of the night. JV has improved character-wise, but was still slightly arrogant. No customers were around. We were bored and JV began drumming on his counter.

ME: Are you a drummer?
JV: No.
ME: Were you ever a drummer or any kind of musician?
JV: No, but my mom teaches piano.
ME: So you grew up hearing music?
JV: Yup. If piano is the first instrument you play, it makes any other instrument easier to play.
ME: That is true, but only to a point with some students.
JV: Not true.

What the hell do I know?

ME: Can you think of any possible flaws of learning to play piano first?
 JV: There are none.
ME: Yes there are. Think.
JV: [no response]
ME: When you touch a key on a piano, a pitch WILL come out. If a student is impatient and expects sound production to be as easy on a wind instrument or when singing, that can result in problems like too much air pressure, overly tight musculature, use of unnecessary muscles, or hyper-phonation.
JV: [begins to walk away to count down his till with Patti] Percussion doesn't have to worry about that. No lungs!
ME: You are abandoning the original argument!

He disappeared behind the office doors. Eventually he left and Patti walked up to me.

ME: I think he thinks that because his mother is a musician, that he is an authority on the subject as well.  Like it's hereditary.
PATTI: [laughing] After you said the last thing you said and the door shut, [JV] said, "God! She is just like me. She always has to have the last word."

We laughed. It's true. I do always like to have the last word. I'm sure it's irritating. Nobody is perfect.

Day Twenty Six

Today I was given a pin to commemorate the 10th anniversary of our store. The company's #2 man from corporate was supposed to be in to check on things so everyone was actually obeying the rules for once and the whole place was spotless. The whole thing gave me a renewed sense of purpose since I normally dread working the day before I have a two day break. My day always goes slowly before I have days off.

Code "Chili Pepper"

Cashiers page two different codes, code 1 and code 5. Both involve the head cashier or supervisor's scan key to continue the purchase. I was checking out a customer when Sally Spec came over.


SALLY: Dude, code "chili pepper" on register 5.
ME: Huh? [I looked behind me, to register 5, and saw a really buff customer buying groceries] Oh...

I didn't think he was that hot, but the great thing was, Sally discovered an excellent new way to communicate that I should check out a good looking guy nearby. This didn't last too long, as Sally got more and more obvious about it as we carried on. Sally was two lines down from me on register 8, when she turned around to see Elvira's customer, a young Dylan McDermott look alike. She very conspicuously nodded her head in his direction and said, "Miranda, Code 'chili pepper' on register 7." Why didn't she just say, "Hey Miranda, look at this hot guy right here!" Anyway, I looked and said, "Affirmative." He had to have seen this and understood what was being said because he turned around to smile at me.

Embarrassing. If I didn't have brown skin I would have been blushing. I moved to abolish this code immediately. Even if we were to use something less obvious, like "code 6," Sally would probably make our communication transparent by repeatedly pointing in the direction of the guy she is talking about.

Binary

I saw this shirt and didn't get it.

I asked the kid wearing it what it meant and he began to explain binary code to me. "10 in binary actually means 2." I laughed. How geeky! Sally, who was bagging my groceries, still didn't get it so the kid continued to explain. It wasn't what this kid was saying, but the enthusiasm for the subject that made me find him adorable. This kid looked like he goes to math club meetings after school and tutors his crush, who is probably the prettiest girl in school, who only has eyes for the quarterback. His braces and non-hipster, unintentional nerd glasses were the icing on the cake. He told me he wants to be a programmer and I am pretty sure he'll succeed. I hope he will always be excited about and love what he does for a living. That, to me, is a real dream. I do also hope he gets the girl.

No Cheese With This Whine

A woman and her daughter came through my line with an enormous amount of food in their cart. Every time I rang in something that cost over two dollars, the woman would grunt or say something like, "Ya'll are about to take off my right arm," or, "Can you believe the price of those cherries?" I never responded, but if I did respond I would say, "Would you please shut the hell up?" Every once in a while she would break away from complaining to me to turn, place one had on her hip (wherever that was) and complain to her daughter.

MOTHER: Those organic bananas cost $2.17!
DAUGHTER: I need potassium! It is also good for energy.
[more items were scanned]
MOTHER: That WHEY PROTEIN costs $19.99!
DAUGHTER: It has 30 grams of protein per serving! I need protein!
MOTHER: THAT ORGANIC CANTALOUPE COSTS $2.49!!

Oh my god SHUT UP! Shut up shut up shut up!!!!

The whole purchase ended up being over $250. It wasn't the daughter's fault, either. The mother said something about trying to eat healthy. Good for them, eat healthy but stop whining about it!

Observation

Parents with sick children at home are not down for conversation. Especially if they are working parents. One lady came through my line and when I asked how she is doing she didn't have much to say after she told me she had a sick child at home. I could see that her mind was racing, that she was stressed out. She didn't respond to anything I said after that. I tried to get her out faster, she must have had a million things to do. I have only ever had a sick dog and that makes me lose my marbles. I can only imagine how bad it is to have a sick child. Just an observation.

Update: O.C.Daisy

Daisy was being horrible as usual and was once again a topic of conversation between me and Sally. Crazy Redhead Vegan joined us and let us in on some background information. Apparently, Daisy was supposed to be a head cashier but somehow she didn't end up being one. It fell through due to a glitch in her paperwork. I get it now. Daisy is bitter. She could be earning more money, but can't get promoted for some reason. I imagine anyone else who comes in, that does a good job, is an instant enemy in her eyes. Anyone who doesn't listen to her makes her look bad, since she is trying to prove to others that she is worthy of a supervisor position. This doesn't really explain why she talks shit about people all of the time, but it is a little bit of insight. No wonder she calls everyone "darling," she is trying to be personable. Personable, but SO fake.

Giggles

Relief. I finally found my best audience. This kid laughed at everything. EVERYTHING! Anything I said or did made this kid laugh. Peek-a-boo? Laughing. Ringing up his toy dog on the scanner and making "boop" sounds? Laughing. Telling the kid the dog isn't for sale. Laughter. Putting the dog in a bag. So much laughter. The kid started to climb the side of the belt to be rung in as well. The mom took him off and said, "You're not for sale either." The most laughter of all. He only stopped to catch his breath and he held his tummy as he let out whatever giggles he had left. Normally, one would have to be high to laugh that much. Whatever this kid has, it needs to be bottled, replicated and sold. It was nice to see that much joy in one little person.

Day Twenty Five

C'mon Latte...

I do not need to retell the dangers of my being tired, hungover or both. Today I was TIRED. I sang at a service this morning and logged in some office hours afterward. I left the office to come here and stand on my feet for 8 hours. By the time I reached the store I realized that I had already been awake for 9 hours. I forgot how much energy is required of me to do what I do as a choral director/solo singer at a church: Be ultra-friendly, have perfect posture, stand in heels, solve problems, have my mind fixated on constantly breathing, plan music, etc. I decided that Sundays would be the day I drink a latte between jobs. Today I had a sneaky feeling that Starbucks (or "Fourbucks" as a friend calls it) slipped me a decaf. I never regained speed. You know you're tired when the mere mention of a customer deciding to have a "lazy day" reduces you to tears.

Updates

Speedy Gonzales returned to work today. she had been gone so long that I thought she quit. Today she was not as quick as she usually is, not as spastic either. Maybe being tired is contagious.

Serious Stu engaged in conversation with me for the first time. He seems very nice. Not funny, but nice.

I went to Cute Guy, Maybe (Not Really)'s register to buy five dark chocolate covered almonds. He gave me shit for using my discount card on 39 cents of food. I understand how ridiculous it looks, but I gave myself a $1 snacking limit at work. CG doesn't understand what it means to have to be on a budget, perhaps since he is the son of the president of the company. Life must be really hard for that guy.

I found out that my head cashier, Ryan, has been dating Sally Spec for 8 months. OooooOOOOoooooh! I am happy for them. They don't act like a couple in the store at all. They do this because head cashiers are not allowed to fraternize with cashiers. Before they dated, Ryan would call Sally from work to get her to cover for someone, then used that phone call as an excuse to talk to her. Cute.

According to Sally, O.C.Daisy is still giving me dirty looks. I the next time I work next to her I think I will talk about dental care.

Social Sue

This woman was impressive. She was second in my line, talking to my current customer about something she was going to buy and laughing to the side to catch the attention of the male customer in the line opposite mine, grabbing the attention of both the customer his cashier. She expanded the social space to customers behind her as well, gathering their commentary. She had everyone talking and she was in the center of it all, with a cackling but contagious laugh. I don't even remember what the subject was, maybe hummus. All I know is the joyful, slightly crazy woman had everyone smiling, laughing and talking to each other. What's so hard about world peace, again?

A Word of Advice:

Own up to your mistakes. A woman came through my line and didn't put the PLU number on the bulk item she bought. I rang the item up as raw almonds. I should have asked her what it was, but the line was long and I wanted to move a bit faster to get people out of there. Later on that night, the woman came back, saying I rang her up for the wrong  item. I apologized. My manager came over to handle the exchange. The correct PLU would have rung her up for an item that was 86 cents. She was mad that she had to drive back up to the store to get this corrected. She insisted that she put the number on there. I, for damn sure, know that she didn't. I stuck to my story. If I saw a PLU code I would have entered it. The more I said, "I saw no number," the angrier she became. Then after my manager exchanged the prices, she said she wanted a different new bag of almonds because he touched the bag. We ended up having to throw her almonds away. So what I gathered was this: She wasted more than her return in gas to come back to the store and lie about how she didn't follow procedure then bitch about the necessary procedure of handling a bag for a price correction. We would have given her the money back even without the lies and dramatics. What a piece of work.

Observation:

People from London are so charming when they speak English. They say "lovely" instead of "thanks" and "cheers" instead of "bye." When my English customers come by, I am whisked away to a marvelous place where all I do is sip tea and wear fancy hats. Also, when you bring up where they are from they instantly refer you to the best Indian restaurant in the city. I'm thinking that may be just because I am Indian, but also, maybe they would divulge that information anyway. Just an observation.

Day Twenty Three

Update: O.C.Daisy

Sally Spec was hanging out at the end of my register but talking to someone else, so I assumed she was there to hang instead of help. I looked at her to see if she wanted to bag groceries for my current customer but she never looked back so I bagged the food myself. Eventually Sally turned toward me.

SALLY: I can help you, you know.
ME: You weren't paying attention to me so I did the bagging.
SALLY: Aw, I'm sorry!
ME: I'm needy. I need constant attention all of the time.

We finished this customer's transaction and Sally stuck around to help and converse with me. Once the rush died down, Sally stepped closer to me and said:

SALLY: Dude, Daisy hates you.
ME: Really?
SALLY: Yeah, you stepped away for a second and she was like, 'What the hell was she talking about being needy?' I said I'm not going to talk trash about you.
ME: Huh.
SALLY: Every other minute she was turning around and giving you weird looks and rolling her eyes for what you were saying to your customers.

What is Daisy's problem? Is she jealous that I have all of my teeth and she doesn't? She has nothing better to do than mind her own damn business? Man, people are bored here. I'm glad that Sally is on my side. She told me she would inform me of every time Daisy talks shit about me. If it's enough I will confront that toothless over-sized marshmallow and ask her why she is such a bitch.

Doctor's Orders

My brain felt screwed up this morning. I was working slowly and making mistakes here and there and I couldn't blame it on a hangover. A couple came up to my register.

WOMAN: How are you?
ME: Eh, not so good. I am drained. My brain feels messed up.
WOMAN: Have you been outside?
ME: Yeah, I just was.
WOMAN: That's it. You're dehydrated. It's too hot to drink your normal amount of water. Get some water.
ME: You're right, and I haven't had much water today.
WOMAN: See?
MAN: [pushes his wife aside and brings his face close to mine] Well, I think if you drink a case of beer every time the temperature is over a hundred, you will live a longer, happier life.
ME: Is that so...[I looked at his shirt] Dr. Boca Raton?
MAN: HA! HAHAHA. That's right, Dr. Boca Raton. I'm a brain surgeon.

The guy was very clearly drunk. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. It was July 5th and this couple took vacation days to get the whole week off. Why not do some grocery shopping while being sensationally tanked? His advice may have been slightly invalid, the "longer life" part of it anyway. Drinking a case of beer every time the temperature reaches over 100 degrees means being drunk everyday for two months in Texas. One might be happy though!

Old Man

OLD MAN: Hello, nice person!
ME: How do you know I am a nice person?
OLD MAN: God don't make trash, my dear.

Signature T-Shirts

I am normally a very anti-signature t-shirt person. Signature tees are for teenagers who are trying to defy adulthood while they skateboard on private property. Today was a pretty boring day though, boring enough to make me laugh with appreciation when I saw a customer wearing this:

Udpate: Crazy Red-Head Vegan


There is never shortage of bonkers shit that CRV has to say. Take today, for example:

CRV: I really need to release my bowels, but I CAN'T here.
ME: Why is that?
CRV: Because somebody already did and she stunk up the place!

For starters, I don't engage in poop talk. I know a lot of people do, they are very comfortable with it. I have no problem talking about it but I think there are far more interesting and stimulating things to talk about. So, CRV will not take a shit somewhere unless it smells like lavender? Is this the pooping equivalent of the palate cleansing sorbet at dinner or the coffee beans you smell before testing the next perfume at Sephora?

Lollipops

For the first few days of my "good kid lollipop" project, only 2-3 kids were receiving organic pops each day. Too many bratty, whiny or misbehaving kids were coming through my line. This was until today of course.
I gave out 14 lollipops today. FOURTEEN. Kids were so sweet, helping out their parents, being quiet or making pleasant conversation with me. I stopped the lollipop giveaway just before 15 pops, when I saw a young boy helping out his dad by putting groceries on the belt and removing packed bags to put them in the cart. This kid looked about 8 years old.

KID: No, thank you.
ME: Wow, I have never seen a lollipop denied before. Is this a 'don't take candy from strangers' thing?
DAD: Oh no, he just likes to help and doesn't want gifts for helping.
ME: Wow. What an amazing kid.
DAD: He is wonderful.

Eight years old, just out helping dad with shopping. Rare. I love it.

Day Twenty Two

It's the 4th of July. Finally, a day where I can share holiday greetings with customers without offending anyone. I can't say it on Mother's Day or Father's Day, you never know who has been abused by their parent, lost a parent, grew up in an orphanage or simply hates their parents. Greetings on religious holidays? I dare not. "Happy 4th of July," thankfully worked for everyone...except one woman.

ME: Hi! Happy 4th of July!
WOMAN: Ugh, 4th of July...the way this country is going I should move to Canada.
ME: [no response]

This woman lingered to bitch just a little more then she left. The next customer walked up.

MAN: Sheesh.
ME: No kidding, I wanted to say, "Move it along, sister." Someone is not very patriotic.
MAN: No kidding. You know, the border is not closed in either direction.
ME: Right?? [I laughed] By the way, Happy 4th of July!
MAN: [he laughs] Happy 4th of July!

Update: Crazy Red Head Vegan

I worked in the register next to CRV. When I walked up, I saw her frowning.

ME: What's wrong?
CRV: I'm not feeling well. I need to go home.
ME: Oh no! What's wrong?
CRV: I just feel sick.
ME: Sick how?
CRV: My boyfriend broke up with me. He wants to be with someone else he knows.
ME: Oh no. Been there.
CRV: I can't leave because I feel like I am about to get fired.
ME: Okay, well then if you feel like you need to cry, walk away and cry. I'll take customers in your line.

Our system worked out well. CRV cried a few times and darted off to howl a little bit. Been there. It sucks. You have to keep living, especially if you have a job. You can't take a day off because of a fresh breakup. I made a point to act a fool all day around CRV. Later in our shift I asked kids to sing patriotic songs for me. Most were too embarrassed to do it, but eventually I found one that kind of knew a song, "The Fifty Nifty United States," where the singer sings the name of all 50 states in alphabetical order. I started singing it with this little boy, but he eventually stopped because he forgot the lyrics. I of course charged ahead.

CRV heard me do this, I looked like a complete ass and I sang with an embarrassing amount of authority. She laughed pretty hard.

CRV: Oh my god, you are the only reason why I am laughing right now.
ME: You are welcome.

CRV was cheerful for the rest of her shift. Sally Spec came along to act nuts with us. I'm glad she felt better. I like working in a positive environment so I try to do what I can to make everyone feel happy. I advised CRV to go to a bar with friends or a party or something. I told her to be around friends instead of going home to be alone. She followed my advice and went to a barbeque.

Observation

Babies always want to eat inedible things in a grocery store. Boxes, pens, the grocery cart handle, plastic bags, etc. I am about to be an aunty so I become a little more of an idiot around babies each day. I have begun to analyze little things infants do like how they grab everything in sight. I think this ability to grab is the equivalent of a superhuman power to them. Babies can't really do shit (well, except shit). Once they discover they can grab and hold on to anything they abuse this power in any and every way they can, especially in a store. This annoys most parents, but I find it hilarious (as long as the item grabbed doesn't wind up in the wrong place). I find this very fascinating. The only problem with grabbing is that babies will stick whatever they are holding into their mouths. While mom or dad is grabbing for groceries, the baby is grabbing a coupon book and is attempting to stuff it into his face. It is edible for all he knows. So funny. Just an observation.

Serious Stu

So the new manager has qualities that make some people think he is good looking. CRV thought he was hot but eventually told me that he seems a little bit like a tool. Sally Spec thought he looked like an ex of hers. To get along I decided to chat with him a little. He was in one of the offices pouring barbeque sauce into to-go cups because we were selling ribs over the next two days.

ME: Are you pouring drinks for us? That's so nice.
STU: Actually these are to-go cups of barbeque sauce for the ribs tomorrow.
ME: [pause] I know, I was joking.
STU: Oh. [he continues pouring]

Um...

So eventually I was about to leave work. While counting down in the office with Ryan, Stu burst through the door and caught us off guard.

ME: Stu! Knock next time! What if Ryan and I were making out? That would have been so awkward for you!
STU: Well actually it would have been embarrassing for you. There is a camera in this room.

Oh my GOD.

Ryan and I exchanged quizzical looks. Stu has no sense of humor. I'm sure after a while we will be chummy but for now he is Serious Stu. I later found out that Stu is Heartless Lucy's cousin. Lucy told Stu about what CRV said and now maybe he thinks he is hot shit so he now he also acts strange around all of the girls. Stupid Lucy.

Day Fifteen

Hungover again...this time, from a friend's wedding reception. It would have been a shame to not take advantage of the top shelf open bar, so I partook. At work, my inner monologue was firing on all cylinders. I fought hard to pay attention to my customers and to keep myself from saying what I am thinking all of the time like the last time I felt this way. This extra effort somehow resulted in over-exuberance.

ME: What is this?
CUSTOMER: Wasabi aged cheddar...
ME: [eyes widened] Shut the front door! Wasabi Aged Cheddar?!

Don't get me wrong, I bet wasabi aged cheddar is the bees knees, but I would never get that excited about it.

Today was an incredibly busy day. Ten different customers didn't feel like ten customers, but like one long never-ending transaction. This didn't give me much of a chance to chat with customers. That was a bummer.

Update: O.C.Daisy and Sally Spec

I showed up to work with my hair down. I didn't put it up right away and I began to check out customers. OCD walks by and grumbles, "Gotta tie up that hair Miranda." Why was she grumbling at me? I thought she was cool, this wasn't her usual sweet reminder. Slightly annoyed, I didn't tie up my hair. Then Sally walked over to me.

SALLY: Daisy was bitching about you to Ryan (our head cashier) so here's a hair tie.

I was so confused. When the lines died down I walked over to Sally to inquire about what Daisy said. Apparently, Daisy told my head cashier about how she told me to tie my hair up and I wouldn't listen. Ryan scolded Daisy, telling her that she needs to let him handle things like this, that she is not a head cashier or manager.

Oh. My. God.

I immediately asked Sally if she had ever complained to anyone about coworkers having their hair down. She said no, that she likes leaving her hair down too...

Holy shit. Daisy is a fucking liar!! SHE is the one who wanted everyone else to tie their hair up. It all makes so much sense. She made it seem like Sally was the party pooper who complained about everyone's hair being down. She made me totally dislike Sally from the get-go, before I even had a chance to get to know her. Sally and I ended up being pals anyway, but wow, Daisy is a LIAR!

I told Sally the whole story about Daisy's false information. Sally laughed and told me that seemed like something Daisy would do. So, from what I have gathered about Daisy in the last week is that she talks shit about customers after they leave and she lies. She also calls every customer "darling" and it is so fake and forced the way she says it. Man, OCD is a piece of work. I wondered why that is. I was so disappointed.

Stingwich Reconn.

I brought my lunch to work today, a spinach mushroom pasta plate and a sandwich. I put it in the break room fridge at work, daring someone to steal it. I returned after four hours to find that it was still there. I heard that food theft had gone down, but not entirely. Vitamin Girl's yogurt was stolen, and enchiladas were recently stolen (made by a bakery chef for a fellow cashier). I tried to find out what days of the week these food item thefts occurred and how they were wrapped. Some were covered in cellophane with their name on it, others in tupperware. I figured that one Ex-Lax laden turkey sandwich on a random day wasn't going to do it. I would have to make several. I think one different sandwich a day over a two week period should do it. I'm debating leaving a tiny laminated message in the sandwich like, "You have been Ex-Laxed," or "Next time, make your own sandwich." I don't know, we'll see.

Rainbow Bright

This red headed young girl bought some snacks from the bulk section before her mom purchased a large order of groceries. The groceries were for the girl's 9th birthday party. She was wearing every neon color you could possibly imagine, and her clothes were also bedazzled. It was the kind of outfit that only a 9 year old could pull off. If I ever walked out in an outfit like that, my friends would have the permission to beat me with a 2x4, repeatedly.

The mom received ten dollars cashback from the transaction and handed it straight to her daughter.

GIRL: Yesssssssssssssss.
ME: Birthday money?
MOM: Yes. She gets $10 from us at every celebration. She is welcome to spend it however she likes, but if she puts it in the bank?
GIRL: You'll match every deposit.
ME: You'll double the deposit of any money she chooses to save?
MOM: Any money.

That is an amazing mom. What an awesome way to teach a kid the rewards of saving.

The G Word

I wanted so badly to ask Ryan, our red-headed, freckled and pale skinned head cashier, some sensitive questions. Eventually the lines died down enough for us to talk.


ME: So, Ryan...when you were growing up, were ever discriminated against or did you ever feel discriminated against for being a red-head? Were you ever called a "ginger"?
RYAN: Yes.
ME: How did it make you feel?
RYAN: It hurt my feelings at first. I felt like I was being called the "n word." I know the connotations are not near as negative, but it made me sad all the same.
ME: Hmm. So what about now? What do you think when someone calls you a "ginger" now?
RYAN: It's just annoying. It pisses me off, but I usually brush it off. I'm just a normal person. Some people don't care, for them it is a nickname or term of endearment.
ME: Okay, so...do you get excited when a red-head excels in life?
RYAN: What do you mean?
ME: Okay, for example, when we [pointing to myself] won the Oscar for Slumdog Millionaire and all of those Indian people were on stage accepting the award, I was so stoked.
RYAN: When we won the Oscar?
ME: Yes, that is how it works.

Hero was working next to me and he chimed in.

HERO: So when Ron Weasley scored Hermione in the last couple of Harry Potter movies were you proud?
ME: Or what about Shaun White? Is he your Malcolm X?

Ryan was laughing pretty hard and said no to all the final questions. I knew the G word has been used blatantly in comedy, like the South Park episode "The Ginger Kids" or the ginger supremacist parents of the guidance counselor in Glee. I wasn't aware that it ever hurt a kid's feelings. If it hurt Ryan's feelings as a kid, how many kids are feeling hurt by the G word now?

Lightning McQueen and the Chanteuse

Kids really kept me sane today. I had two customers with a kid who never uttered a word other than yelling out the ABC song at the top of his lungs, non-stop, not so much in the melody but on one pitch. His parents were embarrassed but I couldn't stop laughing.

I met another kid who loves the movie, Cars. He wore a Cars shirt and had a toy version of one of the movie characters in his hands.


ME: So do you like the Cars movie?
KID: [nods his head]
ME: What's your favorite car?
KID: Lightning McQueen.
ME: So then what's your favorite color? (thinking he would say red)
KID: Lightning McQueen says VRRROOOOM!
ME: So, red?
KID: Lightning McQueen.
ME: So, what's your favorite number? (thinking he might say 95)
KID: Lightning McQueen. [continues making vroom noises and brake sounds]
ME: Your favorite animal?
KID: Lightning McQueen!
ME: Right. I get it now.

Later on, a couple rolled up with their toddler seated in the grocery cart. This little curly haired girl was warbling nonsense melodies, the kind that only sounds beautiful coming from a child.

ME: Do you like to sing?
MOM: Oh she knows lots of songs! Wanna sing a song for her? What about "Five Little Monkeys"?

The mom tried to help the kid get started but the girl was shy, so of course I started singing too. We sang "Five Little Monkeys" together while I checked out groceries, with hand motions and all. When that song ended the kid would bust out with song after song, "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Old MacDonald." The transaction had long been over and we were still singing because no one else was in line at the time. Little did I know that I had an audience behind me, including Hero, Hero's customers, my manager, head cashier and other customers. The toddler and I had a show going, I think we should have put out a tip jar. Maybe next time.

Day Seven

SANDWICH THIEF!

When I get a summer job like this, my one hope is that I will not run into anyone I know, ever. I learned on my very first day that such would not be the case. One of the cashiers was a guy I go to school with. We had taken a class together. Even before that, I knew him as "Hero." A couple years ago, I was substitute teaching for another private teacher at a local high school. When I tried to leave at the end of the day, my car barely made it out of the parking lot. The gas tank was empty. I walked back to the band hall and sheepishly asked if anyone could drive me to the gas station. Hero was a student teacher at the time and offered to help. He filled up my one gallon carton for me and put the gas in my car when we got back to the school. If he didn't help I would have been screwed because I had a gig to go to. I couldn't remember his name until I worked with him at this store.

Hero told me today that someone stole his sandwich from the fridge in the break room. Someone stole Hero's sandwich.

Let me make something clear. Hero is my favorite person at this store. My FAVORITE. He is such a good guy. He loves his wife. His wife probably made him that sandwich, with love. I was filled with rage. His stolen sandwich is MY stolen sandwich. There is only one solution. A sting-wich.  I am going to plant one in the fridge. I'm thinking sliced turkey with a little tomato, lettuce, pickles, sprouts and provolone with a spicy mustard...and laxatives.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Rooster

I was checking and bagging this one lady's groceries when a man and his son walked up. The man was placing groceries on the belt and every once in a while the son would grab a loaf of French bread and place it on the belt as well. I noticed that this boy was mentally retarded. The dad would get frustrated and say, "No. NO. NO." Just like that, increasingly louder. This happened about 5 times. The dad was never kind or patient. I was so annoyed, so was the lady I was helping. I can't begin to understand how difficult it is to raise a child like this, but I have seen some amazing people do it, with much love and patience. I tried to say hello to the boy, but his dad said he doesn't talk. When it came time for this man to check out, he continued to have a hard time keeping his son from the French bread. Fed up with the dad's repetitive "NO," I decided to start whistling. I whistled this song:

The boy froze, listening. His dad said he loves Disney movies, and that is one of the DVDs he watches. It is hard to whistle when you are tearing up. I didn't know whistling a Disney melody would steal this boy's attention and I don't know what made me do it. The boy stood still and his gaze was fixed on the sliding doors. It was then that the dad was able to swipe his credit card. He smiled and said, "Thank you."

Gross.

A late 50-something year old man walks up while Billy Idol's "Dancin' With Myself" played on the radio. Sally Spec bagged groceries.

ME: Alright, the 80s station seems to be on.
CUSTOMER: Oh, you never lived a DAY in the 80s.
SALLY: How old are you?
ME: How old do I look?
SALLY: My age? 19?
ME: Correct.
SALLY: Yesssss. [walks off to help another customer]
ME: [to my customer] Actually I'm in my 30s.
CUSTOMER: I never would have guessed, you're a VERY attractive woman. [I can only describe the look he gave me with the word, "Ew."]

Okay. What he should have said is, "You don't look your age." Does he mean to say that 30 year old women aren't attractive? Maybe he was just being nice, but I don't think so. I was grossed out. I do not like it when old dudes say shit like that to me while looking at me like that. If I was wearing some slutty dress and asking for it that would be one thing, but I was wearing a t-shirt with jeans and I had no make-up on. Ick.

So maybe there is a bit of a double standard here. If he looked like George Clooney I would have welcomed this compliment. This guy? Not George Clooney.

Operation: Elvira

I've got it! Elvira looks like she speaks Spanish. Maybe she'll be more nice and talkative if she speaks in Spanish! I tried to figure out some phrases in my head to say to her as she was leaving work. She walked by:

ME: Esta saliendo? Tenga un buen dia! (Are you leaving? Have a nice day!)

It was then that Elvira shot me an nasty look, I averted my eyes. She walked out of the store. That is not what I imagined happening in my head. I thought we would be instant chums, speaking in spanish all of the time. No, she laser shot me a look of pure hatred. What did I say? Maybe "saliendo" means "quitting" and I just said, "Are you quitting? Have a nice day!" Maybe I put an accent in the wrong place? Did I somehow sound sarcastic? Maybe Elvira doesn't speak Spanish. This operation failed. I'm starting to think my efforts are futile.

Hanz

Hanz has come into my line before but I never noticed his muscles until today, because he was wearing a lot less. He couldn't put his arms down by his sides because he was THAT MUSCULAR. He walked up and I, well...

ME: Hi! You...look like you work out. [bursts into laughter]
HANZ: [no response]
ME: I'm sorry. Are you a trainer?
HANZ: Yes.
ME: I could tell, because you're veiny. (Oh my god shut up Miranda) Where are you a trainer?
HANZ: I'm a personal trainer at (I wasn't listening, I was staring at his left bicep).
ME: So when we get customers looking to train somewhere, we send them to you.
HANZ: Right.

Of course I would happen to be working next to Crazy Red-Head Vegan when this all went down. She bags Hanz's small amount of groceries. Before he leaves:

CRV: Do you need help carrying those out? The bags look kind of heavy.


I laughed, Crazy Vegan laughed, Hanz did not. I wonder if he gets treated like this all of the time. Does he feel objectified or does he dig it when girls act incredibly stupid around him? I will behave better the next time he shops here.

Update: Sally Spec

Sally and I are getting along. She helps me out a lot and is fun to be around. Mid-shift, she lamented to me that she was thinking of working somewhere else, that she was sick of some of the people here. She mentioned Elvia and Speedy Gonzales being negative all of the time and apparently there are rumors flying around about her personal life. I have never heard these rumors, maybe because I am new or maybe because I don't engage in gossip with these coworkers. I told her she has to have something that makes the job interesting. I told her that every time I meet someone interesting or when I hear something interesting, I pull out a strip of receipt paper and write it down, and that is what makes work interesting otherwise I would be bored to death. She told me that Crazy Red-Head Vegan, some of the older ladies and I were the only people she liked working with and that she doesn't always get to work with who she likes. I was flattered. I hope she doesn't quit because of stupid people, but she is young and probably hasn't had to deal with this kind of drama before. I think I once heard a cowboy say, "Once you have dealt with bullshit, you can handle bullshit." If I had a hat, I would tip it to that.

Day Five

What can I say about this morning, except that I was in extremely rare form. My brain was left at Hailey's, where one of my favorite bands had played the previous night, a land flowing with beer and whiskey. My voice was hoarse from singing the lyrics to the songs I knew with all of the other fans around me.

The following morning at work, I found that I was so slow, made tons of mistakes and said a lot of stupid things. Some highlights:

ME: [greeting two customers] Hi ladies! How are we today?
CUSTOMER #1: I'm fine.
(no response from the second lady, because the second lady was a guy-must leave eye glasses on)

ME: [greeting a couple] Hi! How are you guys?
CUSTOMERS: Great, thanks!
ME: [looks at woman's belly] How far along are you?
LADY: I'm not pregnant.

ME: [after scanning all groceries for a couple] Who is the "muscles" in this operation?
MAN: I am. I'm the manly man.
ME: [I handed him the heavy bags then held up his wine coolers] Would you like me to leave your girly drinks out or put them in a bag?

ME: [to customer] Would you like me to put your French bread in a bag?
CUSTOMER: No, that is okay.
ME: Good, because we don't have any bags big enough for the French bread.

ME: [to a customer, standing by her perpetually frowning daughter] Here is your receipt ma'am, and YOU [pointing to the girl and yelling] CHEER UP!!
GIRL: [Laughs (thank goodness)]

O.C.Daisy

Daisy was the one who told me I had to tie up my hair because a coworker complained. She is the one who ratted out Sally Spec. My hair was down when I walked into work, she reminded me again that it had to go up. She stood by me today and I noticed that she dispenses hand sanitizer after every customer. It was then that I noticed everything on her register has to be in a particular place or she loses her shit. As a test I will do little things when she is away, like tilt her code key 15 degrees, move her pen and move the paper bags an inch to the left. She comes back and sets everything straight. I find it interesting that she has O.C.D. and has a few teeth missing. Maybe it wasn't from poor dental hygiene, maybe she got in a fight. Maybe she lost those teeth from calcium depletion during pregnancy. She is a very nice and pleasant person and I like talking to her, she tells me about her kids all of the time, but seeing her makes me want to floss my teeth right on the spot.

Update: Sally Spec


Sally happened to be working at the register across from me, on the other side of O.C.Daisy. Her hair was down. I was not happy about it, but I figured someone would tell her to put her hair up. I didn't say a word to her. As I checked out customers I noticed there would be a lot of noise (someone paging overhead) about our French bread. This was the first of 10 announcements about it within the hour. Sally leaned over into my line of sight.

SALLY: Hey Miranda? Are we selling French bread? [she continued to check out a customer]

A joke? Did Sally just make a joke? I stood there for a second trying to figure out if somehow that was a criticism toward my work ethic. No, she actually made a joke. Is Sally being cool? Is it because she is a hypocrite today, leaving her hair down? I was so confused and still hung over. If this was her attempt to chill out and converse with me like a normal human being, good for her. I'll be nice.

Hawkeye

A man who looked like the stapler guy from "Office Space" came into my line with produce wearing a members only jacket. I accidentally rang up his bananas as organic, which would have cost him 60 cents more. I didn't catch this, but he sure did.

STAPLER GUY: You RANG those bananas up as ORGANIC. [yelling further] YOU RANG THEM UP AS ORGANIC!!!
ME: I'm so sorry, let fix that.
STAPLER GUY: THOSE ARE NOT ORGANIC!!!

Anything that anyone said that morning sounded like yelling already. His yelling was so loud it made my eyes cross. From that point on he stood in a lunge and stared at the screen as I rang up the rest of his groceries, his face one foot from the screen as if I might try to get away with overcharging him again. Come and get him, ladies.

Banshee

Banshee, one of our head cashiers, doesn't necessarily scream at any of us, but everything she says is in a command. Part drill sergeant, part cheerleader with an unfortunate voice.  She was standing nearby when I paged her, slowly as usual. I knew I could have called her name out from my register but I thought it would be funny to call her from the speakers. She did not think it was funny. If any of us stand idle for more than 5 seconds, she bickers at us and makes us load up on bags even though there is no where to put them. The managers ask us to drop large amounts of cash in our vault to lower the possibility of theft, but Banshee will get pissed if you do it in the remaining hour of the day. Every time she comes over to my register for anything, I imagine I am being approached by the screaming banshee from Hallmark cards:

I wondered what her problem was. Today, Banshee's mother brought in Banshee's 5 month old baby. All of a sudden, we all saw the softer side to the screaming Banshee, the cooing soft voiced young mother. Pedantic Joe was the most in disbelief, as she bickers at him more than any of us (not a shock).

Later that day, while Banshee was on break I heard other people talking shit about her. Apparently she habitually doesn't let people on breaks on time and the managers aren't happy with her demeanor. I had never heard anyone talk badly about anyone else behind his or her back up to this point. It must mean she needs to lighten up.

Slow Motion

A customer of mine forgot one item in the store and she wasn't sure if she should go and get it since there were four people behind her in line. I told her to go ahead while I rang in the rest of her groceries. She really felt bad but went anyway. To entertain her child sitting in the grocery cart I would ring in items in slow motion. The little boy thought it was funny and we began to talk to each other in slow motion like Dory talks to the whales in "Finding Nemo." By the time the mom returned I was slow motion ringing in her last item. Her kid and I had a good time, however, I managed to piss off everyone else in line and they moved to other lines. Oh well. Next?

Day Two

So, I was five minutes late to work. Don't be alarmed, this store has an insanely lenient late policy. Once you have been late 25 times up to 30 minutes late you get a verbal warning. After another several many times you get a written warning, several more times, a final warning, then after several MORE times, your employment will be terminated. I'll give you a moment to laugh...

So again, I was five minutes late to work. I felt bad, but not that bad. I live 30 minutes away from this place and I still wasn't used to the traffic or what not. You know, excuses.

Cake Eyes

Before going to my register I stepped into the office to tuck in my shirt. The head cashier walked up to me.

HEAD CASHIER: What time did you punch in?
ME: Agh, five minutes late. I'm sorry.
HEAD CASHIER: [Hands me a sheet of paper] This is the new attendance policy. Give it a read, sign it and hand it in. It's a new point system. Every time you are late you get 1/2 a point penalty. Once you accumulate (whatever many, I wasn't really listening) points you lose your job. [She then turns away and goes back to her register]

Not a new attendance policy. This was the first thing I checked in the employee manual. The second thing I checked was vacation policy. This head cashier is an older woman with poorly dyed red hair. Over her eyelids she applies so much pasty blue eye shadow you would think it was war paint. Makeup, for many women, is useful for bringing out or emphasizing one's natural beauty. Cake Eyes had so much on her eyelids, above and below the crease, that you could see every wrinkle (every seemingly bottomless crevice) under the shadow. Her mother had failed her in this department.

Cake Eyes put me in a funk because never, before or after giving me the attendance policy speech, did she say, "Hi. How are you doing? What happened this morning?" She never talked to me for the rest of the day except to say, "You can go on break now." She was so nice to me the previous day. We talked about families. She apparently has a daughter who is training to supervise celebrity tours in Disneyland. I thought that was pretty cool. I wondered if my being five minutes late made things inconvenient for her or anyone else. Since there were only three customers in the store, they were fine. If it takes being late 25 times to get a verbal warning, why was I getting one now?

Sally Spec: Prologue

I learned that employees with long hair had to tie hair up. I immediately noticed a bunch of girls that had their hair down. I asked around if the head cashiers took that rule seriously. I heard from several that as long as your hair is out of your face it's cool. AWESOME. My hair is my favorite thing about my physical appearance. I was glad it wouldn't have to be in a bun or ponytail all summer. Two days later one of the cashiers came up to me and said, "You have to tie your hair."

I turned around and noticed other girls with their hair in buns. I learned later that we were ratted out. Some girl complained that she is the only one tying up her hair, that is what she was told to do in training and no one else was following the rules. I wanted to know who this girl was so I could instantly NOT like her.

Sally Spec: Chapter One

I found out who complained. I ended up having to work in the register next to her. I walk up to put my till in the register and she points out the "new" attendance policy to me right away, just like Cake Eyes.

SALLY SPEC: If you are late you get 1/2 a point.

As if I can't fucking read.

ME: Eh, it will be fine.
SALLY: But if you acquire [whatever many points, I wasn't fully paying attention] you'll get fired.
ME: I DON'T PLAN ON BEING LATE EVERYDAY!

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, inhale...exhale...

Okay, so I lost my cool. I didn't want to go there again. I would not go there again. I chose to do what I always do when a coworker pisses me off, I turned my focus to the customers. I was instantly cheered up by a little girl who did this:

My next customer pays with cash and hands me a twenty dollar bill and once the register opened I realized I never broke open the rolls of coins]

ME: [to the customer] Oops! I knew I was forgetting something!
SALLY: [turns to me] Before you start checking out customers, you need to open all of the rolls of coins.
ME: I know, I always do. Like I said, I forgot.
SALLY: Oh.

Later...

ME: [to the CUSTOMER, while ringing in poblano peppers and looking for the code in a code book] I believe poblano peppers are listed as pasilla green peppers. [then I found the code]
SALLY: Those are listed as pasilla green peppers, number [I don't fucking remember, I fucking hate this bitch]
ME: I got the number already.

...and later...

BITCH: [cleaning up papers and return items between registers] I am a clean freak, I need to have my side of this surface clean.
ME: [pulls out blank receipt paper, writes note to self: "Make a bigger mess."]

This girl has nothing better to say me. No friendly talk, just waiting for and pointing out my sporadic flaws. I think she thinks she is being helpful, or maybe she and Elvira are in this together and they are out to get me.

Sally Spec: Epilogue

In her last 30 minutes of working next to me, Sally turns around.

SALLY: Does you head ever hurt from having your hair in a ponytail for a long time?
ME: Yeah, I try to keep my hair loosely tied so it doesn't hurt.

Holy shit, progress. She went from pointing out my flaws to complaining about her own problems. I'll take it.

The Parent Teacher

Screaming toddlers frequent grocery stores all of the time, most of the time it's because they didn't get whatever nutritionally deficient food item they wanted. I have prompts for every time a child screams or cries in my line, one of which is, "Awwww, life is hard..." The parent usually laughs. I have seen really awesome parents ignore the screaming child, unwilling to respond and enable this bad behavior. I have seen other parents give the child whatever they want (this child is likely to scream again). I thought I had parents properly categorized until this one particular dad walked up with his toddler. The toddler was making a noise that was the most unpleasant of all, a grating scream/yell. The dad had just taken a bag of cashews away from the toddler so that I could ring it in. Oh hell, the screaming. When the child turned his face, I noticed he had down syndrome.

The father smiled at the child and hugged him. The child would scream again, then the father would hug him and kiss him on the cheek. This happened over an over until it was time to pay for groceries. I handed the dad the cashews to give back to the boy and the dad swiped his credit card. I tried my best to distract the boy while his dad was busy but the boy went silent and gave me the "stranger danger" vibe. Good boy. I handed the father his receipt, he gave his son another smile, hug and kiss and went on his way. I was so thankful to witness this. It was the definition of love.

Old Man #1

ME: Hi! How are you doing today?
OLD MAN: [no response]
ME: Did you find everything okay?
OLD MAN: [no response, pressed lips in a slight frown]

Okay, I get it. For whatever reason this guy does not want to talk.

ME: Credit or debit?
OLD MAN: [no response]

Damn. Okay, can't win this one over. I handed him his receipt and upon taking it he looked up at me, smiled and said, "Hi!"

Thor

This 9 or 10 year old kid would grab every bag of groceries after my coworker helped bag them. He would hang the thin bags over both elbow joints and he would pose in a "tickets to the gun show" kind of way. As the bags accumulated I knew the groceries had to be getting dangerously heavier for this kid. He assured me he was fine. You can guess what happened next...

I Have Tattoos and I Don't Want To Talk

A twenty something female walks through my line wearing sunglasses. When I asked her how she was doing I'm sure she might have said, "Fine." At least I saw her lips form what looked like the word, maybe. The rest of the responses were similar. Mouth movement, no audible sound. She had a big colorful tattoo all of the way down her arm. I asked her how long it took to get the tattoo, she replied, "It took three months." Success! An actual audible sentence! I then told her I had a tattoo, but that it only took 15 minutes and it hurt like hell. She did not give a shit. With most people that have tattoos it is pretty easy to strike up a conversation about body art. Not with this girl. She just wanted to get out. Hint taken. Okay, get this girl out of here. Then her receipt printed and it looked like this:

The Infamous Patti

Ever since I got to this store I was told that a head cashier was on vacation who I would probably end up hating to work with. The day before Patti showed up, I was closing out my drawer with another head cashier. "Patti is coming in tomorrow. You have fun with that,"  and she laughed. I asked what was wrong with Patti. I was given a long list of why Patti is hard to work with, including being really slow. I wasn't sure to trust that. I don't like it when anyone talks shit about someone else to make up my mind for me about how I am not going to like this person. The next day came and Patti showed up in the middle of my shift after the warm welcome from Cake Eyes and Sally Spec. Patti walks right up to me.

PATTI: Hi! I heard you snuck in while I was on vacation! I'm Patti, are you Miranda? [she shakes my hand] It's so nice to meet you.

Patti was quick to respond to my pages, she helped bag my customers' groceries and joined in on my conversations with them. Then when I had to close out my drawer Patti was swift. She was neither slow nor difficult to work with and she was kind. Why all of the shit talking? What the hell is wrong with people?

Dirty Harry

It had been a long semi-miserable day at work. The only thing that got me through the worst parts of it was the fact that it was all good writing material. One of my last customers walks up to me. He is wearing a dirty t-shirt and his hands and arms were dirty. He handed me his drink and food and smiled big with the most kind greeting I had heard all day.

HARRY: How are you doing today?
ME: I'm great. Thanks for asking! How are you?
HARRY: I'm doing fantastic. Today is a good day.
ME: [relieved] Wow, thank you so much for being happy and positive.
HARRY: Sure! There's no sense in goin' through life hatin' life.

...and that is the gospel truth.