The Epi-Prologue

Epilogue

I did what I said I would do. I added many of last summer's fellow cashiers to my Facebook. I was dying to find out where everyone was and who was doing what. None of them ever knew about the blog except for one person.

Hero

Hero quit shortly after I did. I found out that he recruited a lot of private trombone students. I shared the blog with him because he is family, a fellow brass player. He knew something fishy was going on when he noticed me writing down interaction after interaction on a strip of receipt paper.

I gave him the URL. He told me that he looks forward to finding out who he is. He may not have read it all because......

Hero had a baby with his wife!! He is a proud papa. The baby is really cute too. I'm so happy for him.

Banshee

The last time I saw Banshee she had been through a horrible ordeal. I remembered that she was pretty miserable working as a head cashier. She was basically forced to step down from the position. She eventually left. She now works for Gamestop and Einstein Bros. Bagels. She is also back in school. Life is apparently going much easier for her. She said that her lack of stress helped her to quit smoking.

Jacob

Jacob left and became a flight attendant for American Airlines. He regularly posts photos of himself in different beautiful locations. He looks pretty happy and he's still really freaking handsome. I lament his gayness.

Sally Spec  & Ryan

I think these two are still together. They are both still working at the store. Ryan moved from head cashier to grocery so he could focus on school, I think. I know Sally is thinking of leaving soon. She told me all of the cool people left and the angry old ladies were still keeping things dark on the front end. It has turned into a high school and all people do is gossip. I can understand her wanting to leave.

Gaythan

Gaythan moved back to Virginia. I imagine he is a manager at a Food Lion somewhere. I only guess that because all of his grocery anecdotes began with, "When I was an assistant manager at Food Lion..." He wasn't happy here. I imagine he moved back to VA with his boyfriend. I hope he has had more than one slow dance since last August.


JV

The know-it-all, JV, is now a head cashier. I'm not surprised. I didn't add him on Facebook. I'm not curious about what he thinks about anything. Maybe I'll add him after this summer if he has learned to chill out.


Copycat

Copycat still works at this store. She is still as awkward as I expected her to be BUT she is happy and she is finding new and interesting ways to talk to people. I think that is pretty cool. I hope people are being kind to her.

Crazy Red Head Vegan

CRV dyed her hair BLUE and joined a nutrition business in town. She schedules her own hours and seems to be doing well. She posts a different but similar photo of her boot camp group every week. She speaks bitterly about her former cashier job and I imagine she is still crazy.


Prologue 

Nine months of trumpet teaching at a university and choral directing at a church, a totaled car, and many a bill for student loans later here I am, seeking employment for the summer. I debated putting in applications in many different places but at the same time I couldn't get my last conversation with Emmy out of my head.

EMMY: Good luck with your new job! We want you to know that for whatever reason if you want to come back you are 100% rehireable!
ME: How is that possible?
EMMY: We like you!

If this was true, if I was eligible for rehire, I could very easily be employed right away. I checked the store's website. There were no cashier positions available. I went ahead and gave Emmy a call. After I inquired about being rehired, her reply was:

EMMY: OH MY GOD YES WE'LL HIRE YOU!!

I'm pretty tickled that they hired me even though they don't need me. Another bonus? I could continue this blog! Since last summer, I have been desperately seeking something to write about. I started many other blogs, but no subject has been as fun as American people and how they treat others.

What If Nothing Happens?

I asked myself this many times. Maybe nothing new goes down. Maybe my coworkers are all gossip queens that I will be too annoyed with to write about. Maybe my customer interactions will all be boring and uneventful. Maybe I would just work this summer job and forget about blogging.

Then this happens on my first visit back to the store:

Update: O.C. Daisy

I almost didn't acknowledge her when I walked in but it was too late. She looked at me and she knew I saw her so I waved politely.  

DAISY: Heyyyy Darlin'! I was so happy to hear that you're coming back!
ME: Aww! I'm happy to BE back!

Ugggggggh.

Why the saccharine exchange? Why do you have to lie Daisy? We ended things peacefully last August yet I can't help but think that the minute I walk out the door, she is going to talk shit about me. Daisy is officially on social probation. I would be stupid to think she is a nice person now, but I also do hope that she is actually nice. I'm prepared for the worst here. Damn my optimism.

Daisy pointed me to the office and she said she would page management to meet me there.


Update: Grumpy Gill

Gill walks in the office to say hi. His greeting was warm, cheerful and not grumpy at all! He told me the store is busier than it has ever been. Maybe that's why he is a happy manager. He said it gets pretty crazy. I am pretty excited about that. Never a dull moment. I only worry that I will not be able to jot down notes like I used to. I do have a handheld digital voice recorder. I may need to bust that out and take notes down Captain Kirk style.  

Update: Roz

I was to meet Roz for filling out paperwork. She asked if I was going to just be in for the summer. I plan to leave after summer if I can get a private studio going in addition to teaching at the university and working at t he church. I do need to buy a new car. I honestly don't know what the hell I am going to do. I shared with Roz how I also have to take care of a house and two dogs. At the mention of dogs, she lit up.

ROZ: Oh I LOVE dogs.  They are so sweet and the love unconditionally.
ME: Right? There is nothing they want more in this world, than to be pet on the head.

She asked me what kind of dogs I have. I gladly shared this information.

ROZ: You know, if I could do it all over again, I would have NO children.

Wow. Hold on.

ME: [nervous laughter] Are your children aware of this?
ROZ: They aren't aware of much.

Roz just cursed her children's existence. This is gold. She walked out to get me two new ugly green t-shirts. While she was gone, I grabbed the nearest blank sheet of paper to jot down what I had just heard. Roz came back and I had to go through the signing of papers, one after the other. She emphatically threw down the attendance and the tardiness policy agreement. She laughed, I laughed. She said the attendance policy is new, a point system (NOT new). If I am late 9 times, my employment will be terminated. I laughed again. I did tell her that I planned to be punctual this summer.

That remains to be seen.

Day Fifty

Last day. Why should things be any different?

Cool Mom #1

A woman rolled up to my register with five kids. I wasn't sure if they were her adopted kids or if some of them were her kids' friends. They looked like a United Colors of Benetton ad. The mom began to hand me an endless amount of things for me to put back on the shelves.

MOM: I let the kids pick whatever they want off the shelves. I love seeing them enjoy grocery shopping.

Aren't you the coolest mom ever? There are other ways of seeing that your kid enjoy grocery shopping. It doesn't have to involve making the cashiers do more work than necessary. Any ignorant d-bag may think, "Well, they get paid to put these things back," and this person would be an ignorant d-bag.

Facebook

Oy, Facebook adds. I took out a strip of receipt paper to write down the full names of the people I liked at this store. I figured that at some point I would take this grocery blog down and "friend" these people. I decided I would keep this paper safe. I really did want to know how these people were doing later on, not just for the purposes of being friends but to also write an epilogue.

Cool Mom #2

A little girl picked a lollipop out of the container in front of my register as her mom unloaded the grocery cart. The mom saw her and didn't give her kid a chance to ask for it.

MOM: Put it back.
GIRL: [whining a little] But I want it.
MOM:  [taking the pop and putting it back in the container] There are a lot of things I want too. Doesn't mean I'm gonna get it.

Hold the phone. That was a strange choice of words. It almost seemed like the mom was projecting what was probably her own sad life on to her daughter. The kid tried to grab a lollipop again, but her mom gripped her daughter's wrist, pulling her away from the container.

MOM: Stop it right now. I will spank you right here in front of everyone.

I wanted so badly to give this kid a free lollipop but I knew her mom would get mad. The girl sneezed. The mom said nothing, she was clearly still mad at her daughter. She didn't show concern, concern is apparently for the weak. The girl sneezed again and rubbed her nose. The mom said nothing again so I leaned over to the girl.

ME: [whispered] Bless you.

The little girl smiled.

Update: Gaythan

I had this theme from the movie "Up" stuck in my head.

My brass quintet had recently played this theme for an Alzheimer's clinic and it had not left my mind. I couldn't stop singing it at my register. When the lines were empty, I turned around and began to dance a waltz with Gaythan. We waltzed until a female customer came along. She smiled at us and we all laughed. After this customer left Gaythan turned to me.

GAYTHAN: I have never slow danced with anyone before. You are the first person I have ever slow danced with. Thank you.

It technically wasn't a slow dance, it was a waltz, but I'm sure that it was the closest thing to a slow dance Gaythan has ever had. I am pretty sure he knew he was gay shortly after birth. He probably didn't go to a high school where it was okay for boys to dance together at the prom. My heart melted.

ME: It was my honor. [I courtesied]


Buffalo Man

A man and his elderly father came through my line with a lot of produce. I grabbed a green bell pepper and I was about to enter the PLU code when the man became startled.

MAN: That's a pepper.
ME: I got it. [I smiled at him]

MAN: You'll have to forgive me. I'm jumpy. You can thank my horrible mother for that.

Damn. Horrible mother?

MAN: That woman put me and my brother and my dad through the worst time. Makes hell look like rest and relaxation. I used to like grapes but children stomp on them and treat the fruit with such disregard.

The father asked me to put the grapes at the top of the bag. He understood what his son was trying to say. This was no ordinary rant. The son had brain damage. I smiled at whatever the son said and tried often to steer the conversation in a more positive direction. He talked like Snaggle Puss which made it entertaining for me. He talked about how he was a miracle child because he was born in his parents' 40s.

ME: You are indeed a miracle child.
DAD: [looking at my name tag] Miranda. You have a pretty name.
SON: You have a pretty smile.

I wished them a nice day. I admired that father for taking care of his son. I hoped that everyone they meet would treat them well. People need to be treated with care.

All people.

Goodbye

It had been a while since I got to work in a register next to Hero, whose stolen sandwich launched the stingwich operation. It was poetic that he and I would be closing the store together, he was my favorite coworker. I had to explain to him too that I couldn't add him on Facebook yet, but that I would eventually. He asked me if I would eventually tell him why I couldn't add him right away. I told him I would explain. I trusted him more than my other coworkers to keep this blog a secret, but I didn't want to share it with him until it was done.

I bought dark chocolate covered almonds for the remaining cashiers and Banshee.  The store was pretty dead so we all chatted away. Banshee had educated me on "Dudism". A religion has apparently been built based on The Dude from "The Big Lebowski". Banshee told me that her husband is a Dudist priest. He marries people off in a bathrobe.

When the time came, I got goodbye hugs from Copycat and Gaythan. Hero and I chatted during downtimes to the end of our shift. I told him about how I got O.C.Daisy written up. He told me that Elvira had also been talking about me behind my back too.

HERO: She said, "Why would she get a job she hates? Why go through all the paperwork?"

When the hell did I say I hate this job? She hinted at my inconveniencing the management. There is no chain grocery store job  that doesn't have a turnover rate after summer...Elvira. Other than O.C.Daisy there was no one else at the store to whom I gave as much of the benefit of the doubt. She had nothing to gain from being so grumpy and bitchy to me. Part of me wanted to bake her a yellow cake and write "Cheer the fuck up" on it.

It was time to close. Hero let me walk out of the store first. I went into the office with Banshee to count down my till. I got her full name so I could add her on Facebook.

BANSHEE: I'm sad that you're leaving. All of the cool people are leaving! [Crazy Red Head Vegan] left, (Heartless) Lucy left and now you're leaving!

I was going to miss Banshee too. I was glad to see that she was going to be okay. After counting down my till, I stopped by to say goodbye to Emmy.

EMMY: Good luck with your new job! We want you to know that for whatever reason if you want to come back you are 100% rehireable!
ME: How is that possible?
EMMY: We like you!
ME: I like you guys too! Thanks!

I could not believe that I was rehireable. I was late enough times to be fired three times over. I'm glad my personality made up for that. I have never heard of a place this lenient. I gave Emmy a hug and then I walked up to a register 7 and 8 and picked up the phone to make the closing announcement before I walked out.

            Good evening customers. The time is 10PM and our store is now closed. Please make your final selections and bring them up to the front so you may be checked out. Our store opens tomorrow at 7AM. We hope to see you again and as always, thank you for shopping at...

Day Seven

SANDWICH THIEF!

When I get a summer job like this, my one hope is that I will not run into anyone I know, ever. I learned on my very first day that such would not be the case. One of the cashiers was a guy I go to school with. We had taken a class together. Even before that, I knew him as "Hero." A couple years ago, I was substitute teaching for another private teacher at a local high school. When I tried to leave at the end of the day, my car barely made it out of the parking lot. The gas tank was empty. I walked back to the band hall and sheepishly asked if anyone could drive me to the gas station. Hero was a student teacher at the time and offered to help. He filled up my one gallon carton for me and put the gas in my car when we got back to the school. If he didn't help I would have been screwed because I had a gig to go to. I couldn't remember his name until I worked with him at this store.

Hero told me today that someone stole his sandwich from the fridge in the break room. Someone stole Hero's sandwich.

Let me make something clear. Hero is my favorite person at this store. My FAVORITE. He is such a good guy. He loves his wife. His wife probably made him that sandwich, with love. I was filled with rage. His stolen sandwich is MY stolen sandwich. There is only one solution. A sting-wich.  I am going to plant one in the fridge. I'm thinking sliced turkey with a little tomato, lettuce, pickles, sprouts and provolone with a spicy mustard...and laxatives.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Rooster

I was checking and bagging this one lady's groceries when a man and his son walked up. The man was placing groceries on the belt and every once in a while the son would grab a loaf of French bread and place it on the belt as well. I noticed that this boy was mentally retarded. The dad would get frustrated and say, "No. NO. NO." Just like that, increasingly louder. This happened about 5 times. The dad was never kind or patient. I was so annoyed, so was the lady I was helping. I can't begin to understand how difficult it is to raise a child like this, but I have seen some amazing people do it, with much love and patience. I tried to say hello to the boy, but his dad said he doesn't talk. When it came time for this man to check out, he continued to have a hard time keeping his son from the French bread. Fed up with the dad's repetitive "NO," I decided to start whistling. I whistled this song:

The boy froze, listening. His dad said he loves Disney movies, and that is one of the DVDs he watches. It is hard to whistle when you are tearing up. I didn't know whistling a Disney melody would steal this boy's attention and I don't know what made me do it. The boy stood still and his gaze was fixed on the sliding doors. It was then that the dad was able to swipe his credit card. He smiled and said, "Thank you."

Gross.

A late 50-something year old man walks up while Billy Idol's "Dancin' With Myself" played on the radio. Sally Spec bagged groceries.

ME: Alright, the 80s station seems to be on.
CUSTOMER: Oh, you never lived a DAY in the 80s.
SALLY: How old are you?
ME: How old do I look?
SALLY: My age? 19?
ME: Correct.
SALLY: Yesssss. [walks off to help another customer]
ME: [to my customer] Actually I'm in my 30s.
CUSTOMER: I never would have guessed, you're a VERY attractive woman. [I can only describe the look he gave me with the word, "Ew."]

Okay. What he should have said is, "You don't look your age." Does he mean to say that 30 year old women aren't attractive? Maybe he was just being nice, but I don't think so. I was grossed out. I do not like it when old dudes say shit like that to me while looking at me like that. If I was wearing some slutty dress and asking for it that would be one thing, but I was wearing a t-shirt with jeans and I had no make-up on. Ick.

So maybe there is a bit of a double standard here. If he looked like George Clooney I would have welcomed this compliment. This guy? Not George Clooney.

Operation: Elvira

I've got it! Elvira looks like she speaks Spanish. Maybe she'll be more nice and talkative if she speaks in Spanish! I tried to figure out some phrases in my head to say to her as she was leaving work. She walked by:

ME: Esta saliendo? Tenga un buen dia! (Are you leaving? Have a nice day!)

It was then that Elvira shot me an nasty look, I averted my eyes. She walked out of the store. That is not what I imagined happening in my head. I thought we would be instant chums, speaking in spanish all of the time. No, she laser shot me a look of pure hatred. What did I say? Maybe "saliendo" means "quitting" and I just said, "Are you quitting? Have a nice day!" Maybe I put an accent in the wrong place? Did I somehow sound sarcastic? Maybe Elvira doesn't speak Spanish. This operation failed. I'm starting to think my efforts are futile.

Hanz

Hanz has come into my line before but I never noticed his muscles until today, because he was wearing a lot less. He couldn't put his arms down by his sides because he was THAT MUSCULAR. He walked up and I, well...

ME: Hi! You...look like you work out. [bursts into laughter]
HANZ: [no response]
ME: I'm sorry. Are you a trainer?
HANZ: Yes.
ME: I could tell, because you're veiny. (Oh my god shut up Miranda) Where are you a trainer?
HANZ: I'm a personal trainer at (I wasn't listening, I was staring at his left bicep).
ME: So when we get customers looking to train somewhere, we send them to you.
HANZ: Right.

Of course I would happen to be working next to Crazy Red-Head Vegan when this all went down. She bags Hanz's small amount of groceries. Before he leaves:

CRV: Do you need help carrying those out? The bags look kind of heavy.


I laughed, Crazy Vegan laughed, Hanz did not. I wonder if he gets treated like this all of the time. Does he feel objectified or does he dig it when girls act incredibly stupid around him? I will behave better the next time he shops here.

Update: Sally Spec

Sally and I are getting along. She helps me out a lot and is fun to be around. Mid-shift, she lamented to me that she was thinking of working somewhere else, that she was sick of some of the people here. She mentioned Elvia and Speedy Gonzales being negative all of the time and apparently there are rumors flying around about her personal life. I have never heard these rumors, maybe because I am new or maybe because I don't engage in gossip with these coworkers. I told her she has to have something that makes the job interesting. I told her that every time I meet someone interesting or when I hear something interesting, I pull out a strip of receipt paper and write it down, and that is what makes work interesting otherwise I would be bored to death. She told me that Crazy Red-Head Vegan, some of the older ladies and I were the only people she liked working with and that she doesn't always get to work with who she likes. I was flattered. I hope she doesn't quit because of stupid people, but she is young and probably hasn't had to deal with this kind of drama before. I think I once heard a cowboy say, "Once you have dealt with bullshit, you can handle bullshit." If I had a hat, I would tip it to that.