The Epi-Prologue

Epilogue

I did what I said I would do. I added many of last summer's fellow cashiers to my Facebook. I was dying to find out where everyone was and who was doing what. None of them ever knew about the blog except for one person.

Hero

Hero quit shortly after I did. I found out that he recruited a lot of private trombone students. I shared the blog with him because he is family, a fellow brass player. He knew something fishy was going on when he noticed me writing down interaction after interaction on a strip of receipt paper.

I gave him the URL. He told me that he looks forward to finding out who he is. He may not have read it all because......

Hero had a baby with his wife!! He is a proud papa. The baby is really cute too. I'm so happy for him.

Banshee

The last time I saw Banshee she had been through a horrible ordeal. I remembered that she was pretty miserable working as a head cashier. She was basically forced to step down from the position. She eventually left. She now works for Gamestop and Einstein Bros. Bagels. She is also back in school. Life is apparently going much easier for her. She said that her lack of stress helped her to quit smoking.

Jacob

Jacob left and became a flight attendant for American Airlines. He regularly posts photos of himself in different beautiful locations. He looks pretty happy and he's still really freaking handsome. I lament his gayness.

Sally Spec  & Ryan

I think these two are still together. They are both still working at the store. Ryan moved from head cashier to grocery so he could focus on school, I think. I know Sally is thinking of leaving soon. She told me all of the cool people left and the angry old ladies were still keeping things dark on the front end. It has turned into a high school and all people do is gossip. I can understand her wanting to leave.

Gaythan

Gaythan moved back to Virginia. I imagine he is a manager at a Food Lion somewhere. I only guess that because all of his grocery anecdotes began with, "When I was an assistant manager at Food Lion..." He wasn't happy here. I imagine he moved back to VA with his boyfriend. I hope he has had more than one slow dance since last August.


JV

The know-it-all, JV, is now a head cashier. I'm not surprised. I didn't add him on Facebook. I'm not curious about what he thinks about anything. Maybe I'll add him after this summer if he has learned to chill out.


Copycat

Copycat still works at this store. She is still as awkward as I expected her to be BUT she is happy and she is finding new and interesting ways to talk to people. I think that is pretty cool. I hope people are being kind to her.

Crazy Red Head Vegan

CRV dyed her hair BLUE and joined a nutrition business in town. She schedules her own hours and seems to be doing well. She posts a different but similar photo of her boot camp group every week. She speaks bitterly about her former cashier job and I imagine she is still crazy.


Prologue 

Nine months of trumpet teaching at a university and choral directing at a church, a totaled car, and many a bill for student loans later here I am, seeking employment for the summer. I debated putting in applications in many different places but at the same time I couldn't get my last conversation with Emmy out of my head.

EMMY: Good luck with your new job! We want you to know that for whatever reason if you want to come back you are 100% rehireable!
ME: How is that possible?
EMMY: We like you!

If this was true, if I was eligible for rehire, I could very easily be employed right away. I checked the store's website. There were no cashier positions available. I went ahead and gave Emmy a call. After I inquired about being rehired, her reply was:

EMMY: OH MY GOD YES WE'LL HIRE YOU!!

I'm pretty tickled that they hired me even though they don't need me. Another bonus? I could continue this blog! Since last summer, I have been desperately seeking something to write about. I started many other blogs, but no subject has been as fun as American people and how they treat others.

What If Nothing Happens?

I asked myself this many times. Maybe nothing new goes down. Maybe my coworkers are all gossip queens that I will be too annoyed with to write about. Maybe my customer interactions will all be boring and uneventful. Maybe I would just work this summer job and forget about blogging.

Then this happens on my first visit back to the store:

Update: O.C. Daisy

I almost didn't acknowledge her when I walked in but it was too late. She looked at me and she knew I saw her so I waved politely.  

DAISY: Heyyyy Darlin'! I was so happy to hear that you're coming back!
ME: Aww! I'm happy to BE back!

Ugggggggh.

Why the saccharine exchange? Why do you have to lie Daisy? We ended things peacefully last August yet I can't help but think that the minute I walk out the door, she is going to talk shit about me. Daisy is officially on social probation. I would be stupid to think she is a nice person now, but I also do hope that she is actually nice. I'm prepared for the worst here. Damn my optimism.

Daisy pointed me to the office and she said she would page management to meet me there.


Update: Grumpy Gill

Gill walks in the office to say hi. His greeting was warm, cheerful and not grumpy at all! He told me the store is busier than it has ever been. Maybe that's why he is a happy manager. He said it gets pretty crazy. I am pretty excited about that. Never a dull moment. I only worry that I will not be able to jot down notes like I used to. I do have a handheld digital voice recorder. I may need to bust that out and take notes down Captain Kirk style.  

Update: Roz

I was to meet Roz for filling out paperwork. She asked if I was going to just be in for the summer. I plan to leave after summer if I can get a private studio going in addition to teaching at the university and working at t he church. I do need to buy a new car. I honestly don't know what the hell I am going to do. I shared with Roz how I also have to take care of a house and two dogs. At the mention of dogs, she lit up.

ROZ: Oh I LOVE dogs.  They are so sweet and the love unconditionally.
ME: Right? There is nothing they want more in this world, than to be pet on the head.

She asked me what kind of dogs I have. I gladly shared this information.

ROZ: You know, if I could do it all over again, I would have NO children.

Wow. Hold on.

ME: [nervous laughter] Are your children aware of this?
ROZ: They aren't aware of much.

Roz just cursed her children's existence. This is gold. She walked out to get me two new ugly green t-shirts. While she was gone, I grabbed the nearest blank sheet of paper to jot down what I had just heard. Roz came back and I had to go through the signing of papers, one after the other. She emphatically threw down the attendance and the tardiness policy agreement. She laughed, I laughed. She said the attendance policy is new, a point system (NOT new). If I am late 9 times, my employment will be terminated. I laughed again. I did tell her that I planned to be punctual this summer.

That remains to be seen.

Day Fifty

Last day. Why should things be any different?

Cool Mom #1

A woman rolled up to my register with five kids. I wasn't sure if they were her adopted kids or if some of them were her kids' friends. They looked like a United Colors of Benetton ad. The mom began to hand me an endless amount of things for me to put back on the shelves.

MOM: I let the kids pick whatever they want off the shelves. I love seeing them enjoy grocery shopping.

Aren't you the coolest mom ever? There are other ways of seeing that your kid enjoy grocery shopping. It doesn't have to involve making the cashiers do more work than necessary. Any ignorant d-bag may think, "Well, they get paid to put these things back," and this person would be an ignorant d-bag.

Facebook

Oy, Facebook adds. I took out a strip of receipt paper to write down the full names of the people I liked at this store. I figured that at some point I would take this grocery blog down and "friend" these people. I decided I would keep this paper safe. I really did want to know how these people were doing later on, not just for the purposes of being friends but to also write an epilogue.

Cool Mom #2

A little girl picked a lollipop out of the container in front of my register as her mom unloaded the grocery cart. The mom saw her and didn't give her kid a chance to ask for it.

MOM: Put it back.
GIRL: [whining a little] But I want it.
MOM:  [taking the pop and putting it back in the container] There are a lot of things I want too. Doesn't mean I'm gonna get it.

Hold the phone. That was a strange choice of words. It almost seemed like the mom was projecting what was probably her own sad life on to her daughter. The kid tried to grab a lollipop again, but her mom gripped her daughter's wrist, pulling her away from the container.

MOM: Stop it right now. I will spank you right here in front of everyone.

I wanted so badly to give this kid a free lollipop but I knew her mom would get mad. The girl sneezed. The mom said nothing, she was clearly still mad at her daughter. She didn't show concern, concern is apparently for the weak. The girl sneezed again and rubbed her nose. The mom said nothing again so I leaned over to the girl.

ME: [whispered] Bless you.

The little girl smiled.

Update: Gaythan

I had this theme from the movie "Up" stuck in my head.

My brass quintet had recently played this theme for an Alzheimer's clinic and it had not left my mind. I couldn't stop singing it at my register. When the lines were empty, I turned around and began to dance a waltz with Gaythan. We waltzed until a female customer came along. She smiled at us and we all laughed. After this customer left Gaythan turned to me.

GAYTHAN: I have never slow danced with anyone before. You are the first person I have ever slow danced with. Thank you.

It technically wasn't a slow dance, it was a waltz, but I'm sure that it was the closest thing to a slow dance Gaythan has ever had. I am pretty sure he knew he was gay shortly after birth. He probably didn't go to a high school where it was okay for boys to dance together at the prom. My heart melted.

ME: It was my honor. [I courtesied]


Buffalo Man

A man and his elderly father came through my line with a lot of produce. I grabbed a green bell pepper and I was about to enter the PLU code when the man became startled.

MAN: That's a pepper.
ME: I got it. [I smiled at him]

MAN: You'll have to forgive me. I'm jumpy. You can thank my horrible mother for that.

Damn. Horrible mother?

MAN: That woman put me and my brother and my dad through the worst time. Makes hell look like rest and relaxation. I used to like grapes but children stomp on them and treat the fruit with such disregard.

The father asked me to put the grapes at the top of the bag. He understood what his son was trying to say. This was no ordinary rant. The son had brain damage. I smiled at whatever the son said and tried often to steer the conversation in a more positive direction. He talked like Snaggle Puss which made it entertaining for me. He talked about how he was a miracle child because he was born in his parents' 40s.

ME: You are indeed a miracle child.
DAD: [looking at my name tag] Miranda. You have a pretty name.
SON: You have a pretty smile.

I wished them a nice day. I admired that father for taking care of his son. I hoped that everyone they meet would treat them well. People need to be treated with care.

All people.

Goodbye

It had been a while since I got to work in a register next to Hero, whose stolen sandwich launched the stingwich operation. It was poetic that he and I would be closing the store together, he was my favorite coworker. I had to explain to him too that I couldn't add him on Facebook yet, but that I would eventually. He asked me if I would eventually tell him why I couldn't add him right away. I told him I would explain. I trusted him more than my other coworkers to keep this blog a secret, but I didn't want to share it with him until it was done.

I bought dark chocolate covered almonds for the remaining cashiers and Banshee.  The store was pretty dead so we all chatted away. Banshee had educated me on "Dudism". A religion has apparently been built based on The Dude from "The Big Lebowski". Banshee told me that her husband is a Dudist priest. He marries people off in a bathrobe.

When the time came, I got goodbye hugs from Copycat and Gaythan. Hero and I chatted during downtimes to the end of our shift. I told him about how I got O.C.Daisy written up. He told me that Elvira had also been talking about me behind my back too.

HERO: She said, "Why would she get a job she hates? Why go through all the paperwork?"

When the hell did I say I hate this job? She hinted at my inconveniencing the management. There is no chain grocery store job  that doesn't have a turnover rate after summer...Elvira. Other than O.C.Daisy there was no one else at the store to whom I gave as much of the benefit of the doubt. She had nothing to gain from being so grumpy and bitchy to me. Part of me wanted to bake her a yellow cake and write "Cheer the fuck up" on it.

It was time to close. Hero let me walk out of the store first. I went into the office with Banshee to count down my till. I got her full name so I could add her on Facebook.

BANSHEE: I'm sad that you're leaving. All of the cool people are leaving! [Crazy Red Head Vegan] left, (Heartless) Lucy left and now you're leaving!

I was going to miss Banshee too. I was glad to see that she was going to be okay. After counting down my till, I stopped by to say goodbye to Emmy.

EMMY: Good luck with your new job! We want you to know that for whatever reason if you want to come back you are 100% rehireable!
ME: How is that possible?
EMMY: We like you!
ME: I like you guys too! Thanks!

I could not believe that I was rehireable. I was late enough times to be fired three times over. I'm glad my personality made up for that. I have never heard of a place this lenient. I gave Emmy a hug and then I walked up to a register 7 and 8 and picked up the phone to make the closing announcement before I walked out.

            Good evening customers. The time is 10PM and our store is now closed. Please make your final selections and bring them up to the front so you may be checked out. Our store opens tomorrow at 7AM. We hope to see you again and as always, thank you for shopping at...

Day Thirty Eight

Update: Cake Eyes

It was 8am and I was alone with Cake Eyes on the front end. While checking out my own customers I listened to how she talked with her customers. She seemed to know her customers personally and she made good conversation with them. It makes sense. There are probably shoppers that come into the store on fixed days at fixed times. Cake Eyes is the only person who gets a fixed schedule, no wonder she has a lot of regulars. She opens the store at 7am and leaves at 2pm, Monday through Friday.

An hour later, Mad Kathy came in and we were discussing how I slammed my finger in my car door the previous night. It was bruised and I couldn't bend it. I took Advil for the pain but it didn't seem to work.

ME: I do have hydrocodone at home.
KATHY: That stuff works.
ME: Yeah I should take that, then I would be really entertaining at work.
CAKE EYES: [walked over to us] Did someone say hydrocodone?
ME: Yes. My finger is super bruised. I'm in extreme pain.
CAKE EYES: I take hydrocodone twice a day.
ME: Egads! Why do you take that much hydrocodone?
CAKE EYES: I have a bunch of rods and metal in my lower back. I can't stand for long.
ME: How did that happen?
CAKE EYES: When I was young I was a cheerleader. I practiced every day and every night. I jumped and I jumped and I tumbled millions of times over and over for years and years. I loved it but it messed up my back.
ME: Did you cheer in college?
CAKE EYES: No, but I did teach elementary school cheerleaders. I loved it.

Customers came along and cut our conversation short. Cake Eyes, cheerleader for life? She does still look like a cheerleader, just old with tons of eye shadow. She wears a khaki skirt and her hair in a ponytail everyday. Cheerleader. After her shift she came through my line with her usual two large bottles of Chardonnay. Chardonnay with hydrocodone. How the hell is she NOT in a coma?

ME: So when were you born?
CAKE EYES: I was born in 1955.
ME: Ah, you were a teen in the 70s. Did you wear bell bottoms?
CAKE EYES: Oh yeah, bell bottoms and flower power! Woo! [I handed her receipt and she walked off]

I was concerned for Cake Eyes but I was also glad that we were getting along better. I'm so glad that drugs and 70s fashion have allowed us to bond.

More New Rules

Roz came up to me to share the new attendance policy with me, which was probably inspired by me.


ROZ: New attendance rule. If you're late 8 times, you get an instant final warning. One more tardy after that? Your employment will be terminated.
ME: 8 times? Sheesh.
ROZ: If this was a rule before now, you would be in trouble.

True. I really should try to make it to work on time. The only fishy thing was, I never heard Roz share this new rule with anyone else. I also didn't have to sign anything indicating that I am aware of the new rule. Maybe they really just wanted me to show up on time and they were sending higher ups to scare me with more strict fake rules. Cute.

A Word of Advice:

Don't joke about cancer with the elderly.


ME: Hi! How is your morning going?
OLD LADY: Lovely! How about yours?
ME: Mine is great too! I got up early and walked the dogs. The weather is so nice before the sun comes up.
OLD LADY: I agree.
ME: It's nice to be outdoors without worrying that I going to get skin cancer. [I laughed]

She stopped talking to me. I felt like an ass. What if she had skin cancer? Her parents? Her friends? Stupid Miranda.

Update: Ryan and Sally Spec

Sally Spec came in with makeup on! She never wears make up. She has the kind of clean pretty face that doesn't need makeup.

ME: Your makeup looks nice!
SALLY: Yeah, Ryan (her boyfriend, our head cashier) has to work a 12 hour shift today. He is so tired already from working so much that I knew he would be in a bad mood, so I decided to look nice. I made his lunch and I baked him cookies.
ME: Girlfriend of the year!
SALLY: Yeah, I like him.

I watched whenever Sally and Ryan were talking by themselves. I saw Ryan smiling at Sally like he thinks she is the best girl ever. They are sweet.

Old Lady #12

An old lady bought groceries from my line and walked off to her car with her cart after checking out. A minute later she ran back in holding a bag of carrots.


OLD LADY: I'm so sorry dear. I almost stole these. Whew!
ME: A dollar of carrots? You crook!
OLD LADY: If ever go to jail, I'm going to go for a real reason.

Richard Gere: Part Three

Copycat went on break and she came through my line to buy some food. Every time Copycat buys things from my register, she greets me the exact same way even if she greeted me the same way three times that day so far.


COPYCAT: Hi. How are you doing today?
ME: You already greeted me that way. Greet me another way.
COPYCAT: Okay. [she thought for a while and nervously laughed] I don't know!
ME: You could say, "Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?"
COPYCAT: Ooh! I like your ring. Where did you get that ring?
ME: Target! Can you believe it?
COPYCAT: Wow. I like it.
ME: Do you shop at Target?
COPYCAT: Sometimes I do with my sister.

That's when, behind Copycat's head, I saw Richard Gere walk in with basket in hand. I wanted to vomit. I finished my transaction with Copycat and timed out when exactly this sex addict-cheater-jerk would walk through my line. He is on a juicing diet so it wouldn't take him more than five minutes to gather whatever vegetables he needed. I waited three minutes and then I hid in the front office. Ryan came by.

RYAN: What are you doing?
ME: I'm hiding from someone.
RYAN: Who?
ME: This guy who cheated on one of my friends by soliciting sex to strangers, he is trying find out how my friend is doing through me and the very sight of him makes me want to vomit.

The manager-on-duty, named Jay, walked in.

JAY: What are you doing?
RYAN: She is hiding from someone.
JAY: Do we need to beat someone up?

I considered it.

ME: No. He needs to be paid no attention. I'm going to keep hiding.

I peaked out of the door. Richard Gere was in Crazy Red Head Vegan's line. I'm sure he was charming her in some way. Blech. I continued to hide. A minute later I looked and noticed he had left CRV's line. The coast was clear. I walked out of the office at the same time I noticed Richard Gere walking back to CRV's register. He had forgotten something. "Oh shit!" I thought and I broke into a sprint, running into the kitchen 20 feet to the left. I remained there for several minutes. There was no way Richard Gere would have missed seeing me running away at the sight of him. I might as well have stayed at my register and told him to his face that I don't want to talk to him...but this works too.

Day Thirty Three

Update: Elvira

So weird. Elvira had her hair down in a loose ponytail and she cut long bangs. She still looked like her usual unhappy self except with a more feminine haircut. I complimented her hair in the break room and she became bashful about it. Elvira's version of "bashful" is where she grunts and waves her arm dismissively on the off chance that your compliment is sarcastic. She sat down across from me for the last five minutes of my break and inspected my lunch.

ELVIRA: What is that?
ME: It's gluten-free pasta, spinach and mushrooms tossed in an arrabiatta sauce.
ELVIRA: Ugh. Have to have meat.

She rolled her eyes at my vegetarian ways, but all of the old lady cashiers do. We chatted about cooking and and shared our favorite kinds of cooking. My forte is chicken curry, Elvira apparently makes a mean tortilla. She talks to me more nowadays and acts less grouchy, I am glad to say.

Jacob

Jacob is another one of the new employees. He is good looking, very tall and he has a booming deep voice that makes me want to hear him sing this:

I also noticed he had on a nice white belt that made our store's unattractive green t-shirt look like he wore it on purpose. I would try accessorizing but the ugly green t-shirt has an evil power that makes me not care about my appearance. Good looking gay guys like Jacob are immune to the powers of an ugly green t-shirt.

The Informant

It is summertime. The climate is good enough in some parts of the nation to bear fruits and vegetables I have never heard of or seen in person. A lady walked into my line with a basket of vegetables. After scanning a few items, I picked up this veggie that looked like a rejected sweet potato that somehow escaped the inspection trash can.

ME: Is this a sweet potato?
LADY: No, that is a yuca root.
ME: Oh! Okay, I have never seen one raw before. Thanks.
LADY: No problem. [she starting pulling items from the basket]
LADY: These are celery [she hands me the celery],
LADY: and this is kale [she hands me the kale],
LADY: avocado [she handed me the avocado],
LADY: green bell peppers, beets, romaine lettuce...

...and so on. She did this until her basket was empty. I knew all of the remaining items in her basket. Maybe she thought I was some college kid who only ordered pizza all of this time. Maybe she thought I was from a third world country and that the only food I knew was rice. Maybe she thought she was being helpful to a new employee. I was proud of myself for not telling the lady, "Shut the hell up, I know what an avocado is!" However, I made a point to stop any future customers from trying to educate me like she did.

Old Man #9


An old man came through my line. He had a lot of items and slowly began to place each item on the belt. I was about to help but another man walked  up and threw down a bag of coffee.

OLD MAN: Oh geez, I forgot.
SON: That's why I'm here, pop.
OLD MAN: That is the one thing we came here for.
SON: [laughs] Mom would be so mad if we forgot.
OLD MAN: You would have been blamed. I'm old and I am allowed to forget things.
SON: You're not allowed but you CAN get away with it better than I.

The son unloaded the rest of the cart for his dad and I kept listening to their conversation while I rang in items. They talked about family members coming to some dinner. They also chatted about the magazines, something about how Paula Deen may be skinnier but she still has that creepy smile. These guys had a fun bond.

SON: How are you, Miranda?

I was caught off guard and looked up. The son was classically handsome with a toothpaste commercial smile. He was so good looking that I don't think I responded right away. I eventually spoke.

ME: I'm good. Sorry! I was just listening to you guys talk! I love it when fathers and sons get along like you two.
OLD MAN: He is my favorite son.
SON: I'm his only son.

Loth in Tranthlation

An elderly lady walked up to me speaking Spanish. I couldn't understand a word she was saying (she was missing her two front teeth), her voice sounded like sandpaper and her Spanish was rapid. I constructed a sentence the best I could with, "No entiendo español cuando gente habla tan rapido." (I don't understand when people speak Spanish rapidly.)

She spoke again, much slower. I kept asking her to repeat, listening harder each time. I could tell she was frustrated but I was hell bent on helping her. I finally heard the words "flora" and "arroz". Bingo! Rice flour! I took her to the bulk section and we searched for her rice flour. When we found it she was so happy and relieved. I got a plastic bag for her and she got what she needed. I took her back to my register to check out and we conversed a little more.

From what I gathered, she is from El Salvador and had lived in the US for 33 years. She was finally trying to learn the native language after moving more north in Texas. "English is hard," she said (in English!). I laughed, proud of her. Proud of us both for meeting each other halfway.

Update: Copycat

Copycat is easily my best audience. Everything I say, funny or not, makes her laugh. We were both closing the store and she really wanted to make some of the closing announcements (15 minutes prior to close, 5 minutes prior, closing, then 5 minutes after). We split it up. She would do 15 and 5, I would handle closing. No customers were in the store five minutes prior to close so I was pretty excited we wouldn't have to wait around. I told Copycat that if someone came in at the last minute I would announce, "Attention customers, the time is now 10PM. Go home." She laughed, hard. I had never heard her laugh that much before. One customer did come in but didn't have a basket so I figured he would be leaving soon. He bought toilet paper and left right as closing time came around.

ME: It's 10pm! Closing announcement time!
COPYCAT: [picked up the phone before I did, and laughingly announced over the speakers] Attention customers, the time is now 10PM. GO HOME!

She put the phone down and laughed even harder than before. My jaw dropped. I wasn't actually going to say that. Our manager-on-duty, Emmy, was nice about it, thankfully. I told her it was my fault that Copycat did that and I assured her that our last customer left before the announcement (even though he probably heard it as he was leaving). I did get a mild scolding. Copycat has worked at this store for fours years and was probably going to work there for much longer. I didn't want her to get in trouble. As soon as I was sure that Copycat was safe, I finally laughed about it.

Observation: Copycat is highly impressionable.

Day Twenty Nine

Zombie Sunday

After hours of working at the church this morning I made my way to the store to start my shift as a cashier. I forgot how much I used to look forward to a nap on Sunday afternoons. Waking up four hours before I sing, singing one or two services, being pleasant, friendly and helpful to everyone I meet and then busting ass trying to prepare a season of music for a choir...there is no amount of coffee that can keep me going after that. I stopped by the local Starbucks and get a latte anyway. I would hate for any of my customers to be a victim of my sleep deprived wrath. The latte ended up not helping. Maybe the Starbucks baristas were out to sabotage me by slipping me a decaf...

...monsters.

Emmy

I decided to give our manager, Emmy, a month's notice that I was going to quit. Upon hearing that I was going to be a trumpet prof. her eyes lit up. Apparently, Emmy also plays the trumpet. She played from middle school to high school, "Seven years total," she said with pride. She has a family full of instrumentalists. They get together at Christmastime and play carols.

EMMY: We have to play trumpet together sometime!! Do you know Johnny Be Good?
ME: Not really.
EMMY: [GASP] You don't know JOHNNY BE GOOD!?! [she proceeds to sing the trumpet part from, no doubt, an old marching band arrangement, pretending to hold up a trumpet] I still have my lyre that I used to read music from!

I didn't feel like telling her that I could play or transcribe any melody by ear. I didn't feel like telling her I mostly play classical and jazz music on a considerably more advanced level than that. At first I thought she couldn't differentiate the professional from the amateur, but I still couldn't bring myself to educate her.

EMMY: We SO have to play trumpet together. We'll play Johnny Be Good.
ME: Sure!

I truly do not believe that Emmy thinks the dichotomy in musical ability lies in whether you can play Johnny Be Good or not. I think she was just excited that we have a love of playing trumpet in common. After all, she plays for fun and I admire anyone who plays for fun, young or old. Playing a musical instrument is a special, wonderful thing to be able to do, no matter the ability level.

Updates:

J.V. continues to improve socially. Today we had a pleasant conversation about how tired I am.

I had a customer walk up who was wearing a military dog tag. Banshee was standing nearby. We talked about this customer's grandfather's service in WWII. Pretty cool. After he left I turned to Banshee and told her I have a dog tag on which I have been wanting to engrave the phrase, "Keep your feet on the ground, when your head is in the clouds." I want this phrase or a similar phrase engraved in a French translation because I think French is a beautiful language. She told me she studied French for years and would help me find a translation. Lately Banshee has become more fun. She still yells in an unpleasant fashion and I almost always wish I had a pair of earplugs whenever she pages anyone. She is starting to look pregnant again and maybe she is in a happy mood because of that. I dare not actually ask her if she's pregnant. Most pregnant women don't want to talk about pregnancy until they are ready to announce it. Sometimes they are not actually pregnant.

I found that a lot of people can't stand Copycat. People try to talk shit about her to me but I will never hear it. It seems that almost none of my coworkers have the patience to work alongside someone with autism. She has become more brave. Now she stops by everyone's till to wave goodbye, not just mine. Half the time she will say bye, wave and stay there at your till until you stop, look right back at her and say, "Goodbye Cat! Have a great evening!" Sometimes, she will then again say goodbye and you just have to stop and say goodbye to her again. This is not hard. I will seriously bite off the head of the next person who complains about her to me.

Apparently Crazy Red Head Vegan did not break up with her boyfriend.

CRV: My boyfriend and I went down to Dallas last night.
ME: Whoa, whoa, whoa...You're back together with him?
CRV: Yeah, I don't think we actually ever broke up.
ME: What...

I thought of all of the energy I spent trying to cheer her up or cover for her that one day she told me they split up. I felt highly annoyed as I do whenever I am the irrational bitch friend who consoles any of my freshly dumped, low self esteemed friends with wine, chocolate, kleenex and the general recovery slogan, "Fuck that guy, he's an asshole!"--only to find that they run back to the dickhead days later. From that point on, I made a point to never invest much of my mind or ear to CRV's drama. She later talked about her mother, about how she sits at home all day and does nothing, about how with her dad, she gives her mom tons of money and all she does is online shop. The mom doesn't help clean or cook and doesn't have a job. I didn't care. A lot of CRV's stories are sounding like tall tales and exaggerations.

Last but not least, I heard that O.C.Daisy possibly broke her foot. I can't say I feel sorry for her. I'm sure her foot hurts, but I was happy that I wouldn't have to see her for several days. It's hard to feel bad for or support someone who is mean to you. I was too tired to be a better person.

Day One

I have been a grocery cashier for four different companies in my life until now. All of them were jobs I took up during the summer to make extra money while I am not in school. The best job of all of these was when I worked for a co-op grocer in Indiana five years ago. Here, I met every kind of person you could possibly meet, the rich, the poor and people of every combination of race and religion (atheists and agnostics as well). This range of clientele was nothing you would see at a commercial grocer. It was my job to greet everyone with a smile, to help people pack and pay for their groceries and to be kind. Aside from the regulars I expected everyday (one of my favorites was a transvestite named Rachel, a local restaurant owner, who purchased coffee and a bagel every morning, 8am, on the dot), I never knew who I was going to meet or who would effect me in a positive or negative way. One of my favorite things to do would be to make whoever walked in with a frown, leave with a smile or a laugh. My coworkers were some of the best and most interesting people I have ever met and I will never forget them. I do not exaggerate when I say that I grew the most as a human being during my time working at the co-op.

As writing has become more and more of a favorite hobby for me  in recent years I kick myself in the butt for not having written down an account of my brief tenure at the co-op. Now that I have recently taken up a summer job working for a health food store (to get away from dissertation writing), I will be sure to write down notes on the most interesting people I meet each day. This is a dream for character development writing, as I do not have to make anything up and it all falls in my lap...or I guess it goes through my line. So here it goes, day one of the best and worst of everyone I meet at or near my register.

Buffalo Lady

A sweet looking woman in her 50s walked up to the register next to mine and said something like this:

" Hiiiiiiiii!!!!! Ohhhhhhh my goodness I love you guys so much! Do you know what they're selling at Kroger now? White Buffalo! And when the white buffalo died the Indians cried. I am pretty sure stress and saccharine gave my sister cancer, but she's okay now. The tomatoes in my garden are growing pretty big..."

I wish I could remember everything she said. She moved seamlessly from one unrelated topic to the next, somehow. After she left, my coworker looked at me with utter bewilderment. I smiled. Most entertaining customer so far. Talk about setting the bar high!

Copycat


I met Copycat on my first day of work. My boss told me to bag groceries for the cashiers and get to know them all. "Copycat" was the first one I met, at register 2. She was a very quiet and introverted girl and she answered any question I asked her with few words and a forced smile. I tried to get her to converse with me while we worked. She would hardly respond, so I chose to speak with her customers instead. The next customer walked up and I greeted her asking, "How are you doing today?" After the customer replied, Copycat asked, "How are you doing today?" Not only was this the most words I ever heard her say all at once, but she also repeated what I just said. This went on for ten minutes. I would ask a question to the customer and she would ask the same. When I laughed, she laughed. Improvement is improvement, I guessed. I moved to the next register over to meet another cashier.

Today, her shift ended while I was still working. She walked all of the way over to where I was standing, at register 8. She waved saying, "Bye Miranda," and she walked out of the store. She said goodbye to no one else. For a second I got a "Cable Guy" vibe, but I also wondered if she was just thankful to be out of her shell a little bit or maybe she just liked me as a person. Awkward as she may be, she seems like a nice girl.

Tangly Q

A woman walked through my line and I immediately noticed the awesome spiral curls on the toddler sitting in her grocery cart.

ME: [to the toddler] I love your hair! Wanna trade hair?  You can have mine, I'll have yours.
TODDLER: [laughs and shakes head]
MOM: Ugh you couldn't run a comb through it if you tried. She's gonna grow up an those locks are going to dread up, that will probably be best.It's like my hair, you can't run a comb through it.

I looked at this woman's hair. She had it slicked down with gel.  She cut bangs which were also slicked down hard with gel as straight as she could get them. People with curly hair like that (who know how to take care of it) NEVER run a comb or brush through it unless they are trying to tease it. The solution is to detangle curly hair with conditioner during bath or shower. I tried to offer a solution, but this woman cut me off mid sentence 5 times, talking about what a pain and mess her daughter's (awesome) hair is, over and over. Jesus. I felt so bad for that toddler.

Baby Mama

This crazy vegan red headed girl sings every song that is played on the radio station overhead, everyday. She is very nice and has been the most patient and encouraging one of all the new people I have met so far. I had to watch a Texas Alcohol Beverage Commission DVD in the break room for 2 hours then take several tests over what I learned from the main host, who looked like the love child of Joe Pesci and Andy Richter. Employees would come in and out of the room on their breaks and talk through the DVD. At one point, the crazy vegan girl was seated in the room with a girl from the vitamin department and a guy from the grocery department.

CRAZY VEGAN: [to grocery guy] How's your baby mama?
VITAMIN GIRL: You have a child?
GROCERY GUY: [hesitates, then says] Yeah.
CRAZY VEGAN: I was pregnant once.
VITAMIN GIRL: Really? How long?
CRAZY VEGAN: Six months.
VITAMIN GIRL: Oh, I'm so sorry.

It didn't seem like the guy wanted anyone else to know about that. To make up for her lack of discretion the vegan girl reveals personal information of her own.  Is this how younger people talk now? Is everyone open about their baby mamas and miscarriages or abortions? It wasn't the content of the conversation that bothered me as much as the lack of privacy of information. I don't really trust crazy vegan girl, but I'm at least glad she is nice and pleasant to be around when we are working.

Making Things Interesting...

I learned how to page the head cashier from the overhead speakers in the store. Everyone usually speaks rapidly and repeats whatever they say once. I chose from then on to speak as slowly as I could get away with. When I said, "Code 1, register 5," I sounded like Ben Stein on the Clear Eyes commercials. Some of the dudes restocking shelves asked one of the girls up front who was talking so slow when paging. She pointed me out and said, "New girl." Some of them thought I was weird but one guy appreciated it. It's a good thing I don't give a shit.

 Pedandtic Joe

Another cashier I met, who looks and talks like Michael Cera, would make a point of telling me every PLU code I couldn't come up with in two seconds. It drove me insane. He is young, 18 years old and he prides himself on knowing more codes than everyone else. The young ones do that. Call it insecure or over-competitive...or both. I figured he was just trying to be helpful, so I kindly assured him if he kept feeding me the PLUs that I would never learn them. From then on he chilled out. He is a nice kid.

Elvira

Elvira always wears a frown. When I tried to help her bag groceries on my first day, she wouldn't hand me any groceries. She packed them all herself, even if there was a boatload to handle. I wondered if she instantly didn't like me or if she preferred to work alone. I moved to help another cashier.


Today she was helping a girl bag groceries on the register behind me. I thought I could see through the corner of my eye that she was watching my screen for several minutes. I was ringing in a nice man's groceries when I caught myself entering the wrong PLU. As I began to enter the right one, Elvira shouts out the correct code from the grassy knoll. This was my second day. All anyone has said about me up to this point (to my face anyway), is how impressive my training was and how fast I learned codes (it didn't take much, this is the fourth time I'm learning them). Elvira had not said shit to me since I got here, not even returning a "hello." She carries with her a sphere of negativity that I refuse to absorb. All bitching aside, I know there is a good woman in there with a story to tell.


So...

I learned that this is NOT the co-op I used to work for. Still, I had met a lot of nice and interesting people. I noticed a lot of kids wore Hawaiian shirts and had their hair in mohawks. The elderly people I met were my favorite. I always asked to check their IDs when they bought wine. Some of them thought I was serious. The people I met made me forget that my feet hurt. I guess that is the power of human interaction.