The Epi-Prologue

Epilogue

I did what I said I would do. I added many of last summer's fellow cashiers to my Facebook. I was dying to find out where everyone was and who was doing what. None of them ever knew about the blog except for one person.

Hero

Hero quit shortly after I did. I found out that he recruited a lot of private trombone students. I shared the blog with him because he is family, a fellow brass player. He knew something fishy was going on when he noticed me writing down interaction after interaction on a strip of receipt paper.

I gave him the URL. He told me that he looks forward to finding out who he is. He may not have read it all because......

Hero had a baby with his wife!! He is a proud papa. The baby is really cute too. I'm so happy for him.

Banshee

The last time I saw Banshee she had been through a horrible ordeal. I remembered that she was pretty miserable working as a head cashier. She was basically forced to step down from the position. She eventually left. She now works for Gamestop and Einstein Bros. Bagels. She is also back in school. Life is apparently going much easier for her. She said that her lack of stress helped her to quit smoking.

Jacob

Jacob left and became a flight attendant for American Airlines. He regularly posts photos of himself in different beautiful locations. He looks pretty happy and he's still really freaking handsome. I lament his gayness.

Sally Spec  & Ryan

I think these two are still together. They are both still working at the store. Ryan moved from head cashier to grocery so he could focus on school, I think. I know Sally is thinking of leaving soon. She told me all of the cool people left and the angry old ladies were still keeping things dark on the front end. It has turned into a high school and all people do is gossip. I can understand her wanting to leave.

Gaythan

Gaythan moved back to Virginia. I imagine he is a manager at a Food Lion somewhere. I only guess that because all of his grocery anecdotes began with, "When I was an assistant manager at Food Lion..." He wasn't happy here. I imagine he moved back to VA with his boyfriend. I hope he has had more than one slow dance since last August.


JV

The know-it-all, JV, is now a head cashier. I'm not surprised. I didn't add him on Facebook. I'm not curious about what he thinks about anything. Maybe I'll add him after this summer if he has learned to chill out.


Copycat

Copycat still works at this store. She is still as awkward as I expected her to be BUT she is happy and she is finding new and interesting ways to talk to people. I think that is pretty cool. I hope people are being kind to her.

Crazy Red Head Vegan

CRV dyed her hair BLUE and joined a nutrition business in town. She schedules her own hours and seems to be doing well. She posts a different but similar photo of her boot camp group every week. She speaks bitterly about her former cashier job and I imagine she is still crazy.


Prologue 

Nine months of trumpet teaching at a university and choral directing at a church, a totaled car, and many a bill for student loans later here I am, seeking employment for the summer. I debated putting in applications in many different places but at the same time I couldn't get my last conversation with Emmy out of my head.

EMMY: Good luck with your new job! We want you to know that for whatever reason if you want to come back you are 100% rehireable!
ME: How is that possible?
EMMY: We like you!

If this was true, if I was eligible for rehire, I could very easily be employed right away. I checked the store's website. There were no cashier positions available. I went ahead and gave Emmy a call. After I inquired about being rehired, her reply was:

EMMY: OH MY GOD YES WE'LL HIRE YOU!!

I'm pretty tickled that they hired me even though they don't need me. Another bonus? I could continue this blog! Since last summer, I have been desperately seeking something to write about. I started many other blogs, but no subject has been as fun as American people and how they treat others.

What If Nothing Happens?

I asked myself this many times. Maybe nothing new goes down. Maybe my coworkers are all gossip queens that I will be too annoyed with to write about. Maybe my customer interactions will all be boring and uneventful. Maybe I would just work this summer job and forget about blogging.

Then this happens on my first visit back to the store:

Update: O.C. Daisy

I almost didn't acknowledge her when I walked in but it was too late. She looked at me and she knew I saw her so I waved politely.  

DAISY: Heyyyy Darlin'! I was so happy to hear that you're coming back!
ME: Aww! I'm happy to BE back!

Ugggggggh.

Why the saccharine exchange? Why do you have to lie Daisy? We ended things peacefully last August yet I can't help but think that the minute I walk out the door, she is going to talk shit about me. Daisy is officially on social probation. I would be stupid to think she is a nice person now, but I also do hope that she is actually nice. I'm prepared for the worst here. Damn my optimism.

Daisy pointed me to the office and she said she would page management to meet me there.


Update: Grumpy Gill

Gill walks in the office to say hi. His greeting was warm, cheerful and not grumpy at all! He told me the store is busier than it has ever been. Maybe that's why he is a happy manager. He said it gets pretty crazy. I am pretty excited about that. Never a dull moment. I only worry that I will not be able to jot down notes like I used to. I do have a handheld digital voice recorder. I may need to bust that out and take notes down Captain Kirk style.  

Update: Roz

I was to meet Roz for filling out paperwork. She asked if I was going to just be in for the summer. I plan to leave after summer if I can get a private studio going in addition to teaching at the university and working at t he church. I do need to buy a new car. I honestly don't know what the hell I am going to do. I shared with Roz how I also have to take care of a house and two dogs. At the mention of dogs, she lit up.

ROZ: Oh I LOVE dogs.  They are so sweet and the love unconditionally.
ME: Right? There is nothing they want more in this world, than to be pet on the head.

She asked me what kind of dogs I have. I gladly shared this information.

ROZ: You know, if I could do it all over again, I would have NO children.

Wow. Hold on.

ME: [nervous laughter] Are your children aware of this?
ROZ: They aren't aware of much.

Roz just cursed her children's existence. This is gold. She walked out to get me two new ugly green t-shirts. While she was gone, I grabbed the nearest blank sheet of paper to jot down what I had just heard. Roz came back and I had to go through the signing of papers, one after the other. She emphatically threw down the attendance and the tardiness policy agreement. She laughed, I laughed. She said the attendance policy is new, a point system (NOT new). If I am late 9 times, my employment will be terminated. I laughed again. I did tell her that I planned to be punctual this summer.

That remains to be seen.

Day Forty Six

Update: O.C.Daisy

I had a 12PM-8PM shift. It's an interesting shift to work because you are with all of the people who worked the early morning shifts. They are exhausted and they are counting the hours until they leave. The rest of your shift involves the exit of the tired morning people and the entrance of the well rested people who have afternoon shifts.

Today's A.M. crew included Mad Kathy, Cake Eyes, Klepto Sue and Elvira. Cake Eyes was the first person to go home. She went home with her usual giant bottles of chardonnay. Klepto Sue came to help bag groceries at the end of my register whenever it was slow. She is always good for conversation. Mad Kathy was tired and didn't talk a whole ton. I ignored Elvira, as I planned to for the rest of my time at the store. Being nice to her, like being nice to O.C.Daisy, was a waste of energy.

O.C.Daisy was the head cashier taking over for Banshee. Apparently Banshee had been gone for a few days and head cashiers have been taking over for her. She did look more pale than usual the last time I saw her. I hoped she was okay. O.C.Daisy walked up to the end of my register to help bag groceries.

DAISY: How are you doing?

I didn't respond. I was done hoping that Daisy would reveal a nicer version of herself. Mad Kathy asked me how I was doing. I told her I found out that my battery had died. Daisy was listening to our conversation.

DAISY: Awwww!
ME: [verbally snapped] Don't act like you're concerned.
DAISY: What?

I hated myself for being mean. I have nothing to gain from being so pissed off at OCD. Being angry never hurts the the one you're angry at as much as it hurts you. Who said that? The Dalai Lama? Damn you and all your truth, Dalai. I needed to get this off my chest so I went straight to Grumpy Gill's office.

ME: Gill, I'm sure you're busy, but if you have a moment today may we talk?
GILL: We can talk now, come on in.

I was nervous. What does the shitty, late-all-of-the-time employee say to convince the general manager that a head cashier needs correcting?

ME: Before I say anything I would like to say that I am aware that I am not always the best employee. I am am totally aware of that. I am also aware that I am leaving and that nothing I say is going to really matter but I feel that I need to say something.
GILL: I actually think you're a great employee.
ME: Really? (Seriously, what?)
GILL: Yeah! I have seen you interact with your customers. You are great with them. I couldn't ask for more.
ME: I'm not a model cashier.
GILL: Sure, there are things to work on, but you know. What did you want to say?

I had to stop being shocked at his assessment of me so I could tell him why I was there. I told him about how Daisy talked about me behind my back to Gaythan. He said Emmy had let him know what happened (Yes. Good job Emmy.) He told me that the managers would address the problem. It wasn't about me anymore. I didn't want any of my coworkers to hate this job because they had a mean, two-faced head cashier, talking shit about people to their friends and making the working environment unpleasant. I didn't mention how fake she seems, how bad her hair looks or how toothless people have no business insulting others. I thanked Gill for listening to me. I told him how much I appreciated working at this store all summer.

GILL: I knew you had to go. You are highly over-qualified for this job, we get that. We were glad to have you.
ME: It isn't about qualifications. This is a great job for people who have the capacity to enjoy it. I'm glad I got to work for a team of managers that like the company they work for. It made this job more fun to do.
GILL: Thank you.
ME: I loved the customers. I love people. I like to write a lot and I wrote a lot of my customer interactions down in prose.
GILL: Really? I would love to read that.
ME: Sure! I will send you some excerpts.

I really will send him a few excerpts. I think I will be leaving out the ones where he is called Grumpy Gill, and anything about the stingwich. I think I will just send him entries about the kids and the old people.

Day Forty Five

Party

I got invited to two parties today. The first invitation was from Klepto Sue for a party on Saturday. She told me that there would be spiked punch and jello shots. I imagined that everyone would be ten years younger than me with no ambitions or intelligent things to say. That's a terrible thing to assume. I told her I couldn't because I had to wake up at 6am the next morning to sing at a church service. The good thing about my not being able to make it is while Klepto Sue is nice to me and we laugh at work, I didn't feel inclined to know her in a greater capacity than being her coworker. I didn't want her to give me a reason to not like her. I felt it was a good decision.

Jacob, one of my favorite gays at the store invited me to another party on Saturday as well. This one I would have definitely attended if it would have started earlier than 11pm. I gave him the same excuse as Klepto Sue. Two party invites. I felt cool and accepted. Then I laughed at myself for having such high school sentiments.

Herb

A guy walked up to my register in baggy clothing and a backwards cap.


GUY: Dude, is this herbal?
ME: That is a honey stick. I'm not sure about herbs but I hear that local honey is good for allergies.

The guy laughed EXACTLY like Butthead.

GUY: Okay, I'll take two. [still laughing]

After I gave him a total of 67 cents he reached into one of his baggy pockets and pulled out a GIANT folded wad of cash. It barely fit in his hand. He flipped through several bills to find a one dollar bill and then handed it to me.

ME: [after handing him his receipt] Have a nice day!
GUY: I will now! [waving the honey sticks in the air]

I'm sure he was stoned, but he was cartoonishly stoned. Gaythan witnessed this with me.

ME: He acted like the actors you see on anti-marijuana commercials before they do something outlandishly uncharacteristic, like run over a little girl on a bike.
GAYTHAN: And the huge wad of cash? What was that all about?
ME: Maybe he is on his way to a strip club.
GAYTHAN: Maybe he is the worst drug dealer ever and he was actually trying to sell you something.
ME:"Herbal" was code for "I have weed"? That would be so confusing in a grocery store.
GAYTHAN: Do dealers even speak in code?
ME: I would imagine they make literal conversation when they meet clients in dark alleys.
GAYTHAN: Yes, because all drugs are purchased in dark alleys.
ME: Maybe our transaction was part of a sting operation and the "dealer" is a rookie cop, unlikely to catch anyone.
GAYTHAN: The possibilities are endless.

Rogue Corn

I was bagging several ears of corn for a male customer when the bag split and all six ears of corn fell to my feet. I'm glad he laughed about it.

MAN: The corn is saying [in a high pitched voice] 'don't eat meeeee!!'

This made me laugh so hard. I immediately pictured six ears of corn with feet running away for fear of their lives. I gave the man his total and continued to laugh.

ME: I'm sorry I have to draw for you what I am seeing in my head.

The woman who was next in line looked unhappy and shook her head.

WOMAN: You know, I don't really have time for this.
ME: Ma'am. I am waiting for this credit card reading to be complete. By drawing this corn, I am not taking any time away from your transaction. I promise.

She shut up and rightly so. It took me no more than 10 seconds to draw the following:

Update: O.C.Daisy

The store was kind of empty. I asked Daisy if I could go use the restroom. She said it was okay so I walked off, leaving Gaythan and Daisy standing at our register. When I came back, Gaythan told me what Daisy said under her breath as I was walking away.


GAYTHAN: She said,  "I'm glad she is leaving cause I'm sick of her attitude."

That BITCH.

That was it. I was officially sick of O.C.Daisy's two-faced bullshit. I walked over to Emmy, the manager on duty. I asked her if we could talk in the office. I explained to her what Daisy said. I explained that Daisy ruins what would otherwise be a pleasant working environment with her shit talking and her fake niceties. She put another coworker of mine in an uncomfortable situation by talking shit about me. I admitted to Emmy that I turned in my two week notice early because I found out that Daisy was promoted.

EMMY: That's so weird. She has always been nice to me.
ME: Of course she has been to you, you're her boss!
EMMY: Maybe she was mad because you did come in here and you learned everything really fast.
ME: I don't care why she hates me. She can hate me all she wants as long as she cooperates in making this a nice place to work. She has failed to do that several times and I have kept my mouth shut about it. I know I'm leaving and that nothing I say matters, but I don't think she has any business being a head cashier because she is an awful person and none of the younger employees respect her!

I got quiet. Emmy acknowledged what I said. She said it might be tough to do anything because Gaythan would have to be the witness and file a report. Gaythan told me he didn't want to be involved in any drama because he has to continue working there, unlike me. I didn't blame him. I didn't expect that Emmy would say anything to the other managers. I decided I would talk to Grumpy Gill the next day I work. He is the man in charge after all. It may get nothing accomplished but I will speak my mind. I am no longer going to give O.C.Daisy the benefit of the doubt.

Day Thirty Six

First Written Warning

Upon arrival I was notified that I had received my first warning. I had to sign and confirm that I had received this warning because my till was $10 over the previous day. This means someone did not get their change back. I felt bad about that. My first verbal warning was a money issue as well. Money issues. I am yet to be warned or reprimanded officially for being late...more than 30 times.

Observation

Whenever big grocery stores have giant sales, Hawaiian decor is always involved. Every time. The employees wear flowered leis and palm trees go up everywhere. Who started this trend anyway? Do sales whisk us away to a wonderful place where we have not a care in the world? No. Does anyone ever end up saving enough for a Hawaiian vacation? No. Yet, the bright colors and fake ocean sounds somehow make us all of a sudden covet this lower priced thing we don't need. Only in America. Just an observation.

Mad Kathy and Buffalo Lady

Buffalo Lady came into the my checkout line. The store wasn't very busy so I was happy to give her all of the attention in the world. The cashier next to me, a cool older lady named Kathy, joined in the conversation as well. Buffalo Lady spoke exuberantly, again seamlessly weaving through unrelated topics like depression drugs (she takes Cymbalta), people who love to climb like this guy named Chad (that she knows), social mixers at brain injury conferences, roller coasters and cat sitters. I am sure I am leaving something out. All we did was smile and nod, egging her on to keep talking. Eventually more customers came along so that brought Buffalo Lady's senseless monologue to an end. We said our goodbyes and Buffalo Lady skipped along happy as a clam. Kathy then turned to me.

KATHY: She reminds me of when I used to take acid. [she smiled]
MIRANDA: [I laughed] Acid?
KATHY: No, I'm kidding. I never took acid.  I took amphetamines. [she walked away to help a customer]

Stingwich: Day Three

The same two suspects from yesterday came to work today. Tomorrow we all get paid, so maybe they are out of money and a little hungry. I worked early and decided to leave the sandwich in the fridge. Maybeit would disappear by the next day. I'm crossed my fingers.


Update: Jacob

Jacob walked up to me when things weren't busy. He sang me this song:

He told me this is our song now. I think I'm officially Jacob's work hag. I love about gay boys. If you're looking for someone to dance and sing with they are always down. They are just happy and a joy to be around. You can't say that about everybody. Jacob worked at the register across from me today, which put me in a good mood until this one customer came into his line. She was fine until Jake asked her how she was doing that day.

WOMAN: I am just great! Are you going to Chick Fil-A today? That's where I'm going!

Jacob went silent. Today was "Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day." Loads of people would file into Chick Fil-A today to support a company that was openly against same sex marriage. I looked at Jacob's face. He was hurt. He didn't say a word to her until he handed her a receipt.

JACOB: Have a nice day.

Jacob frowned at me then looked down. I was enraged. A grocery store is not a place for politics. It is a place where people of all beliefs, backgrounds and orientations should be able to walk into to fulfill a basic need in life: to feed oneself. It just so happens to be a very HUGE thing we all have in common. Grocery stores, in my mind, celebrate what we have in common. Jacob was kind to that woman even though I bet he didn't want to be. I wanted to grab that woman by the hair and lead her out of the store before I kicked her out on her ass as I would scream, "Keep your Fox News bullshit at home, heifer!"

Alas, I did no such thing. I looked at Jacob.

ME: You okay?
JACOB: No.
ME: Did she say she is going to Chick Fil-A?
JACOB: Yeah.
ME: Then she'll die soon. You can marry who you want after that. It wont be long.

He smiled. That was all I needed to see.

Update: Heartless Lucy

I found Lucy writing a letter. She told me it was her two week notice. I have never heard of anyone handwriting a two week notice. Apparently the manager said that handwritten letters are okay. Lucy told me she hated this job and couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. I usually can't stant hearing Lucy talk, but I asked her why she hated her cashier job so much. She said it didn't pay much and she was always tired. She was moving north to Denton, TX so she could be closer to school and the drive would be too much. I then asked her about her dog she was giving up. She found it a home, thank goodness. Hopefully the new owner would take much better care of this puppy than she did. That was the only reason I chatted up with Lucy, to make sure the dog was okay. I couldn't care less about her complaints and I can't say I'm sad that she is leaving.

Old Lady #11

I was hungry and kind of tired by the time this old lady came into my line. As I packed her groceries her bottle of wine slipped out of my hand and fell into the bag, slamming against the counter. The boom caused me to shout at the old lady.

ME: OH MY GOD!
OLD LADY: [covering her ears] Oh!
ME: I am so so so sorry! I didn't mean to yell. That just startled me and woke me up!
OLD LADY: Oh I understand! I wish I had something to wake me up like that on my last hand of bridge!

I stopped bagging to laugh. Who else would say something like that but an old lady?

Grumpy Gill

Grumpy Gill was the one who hired me to be a cashier. He was very personable when I met him. He seemed like he loved his job, like he loved being a manager and that he really believed in the company. I like working for people like that. Somehow I felt that the only person I was truly letting down was Gill. I felt like every tardy made him more and more disappointed in me. No matter how many times I would smile at him and say hello, he never genuinely smiled back. I knew that he knew I could do better. I did like this job and I would show up on time if they weren't so lenient.

Today was different though. Grumpy Gill walked up to my line to help bag groceries. He smiled at me and said hello! He asked me how I was doing and I told him I was great! He said, "Great!" This was so huge. Gill had not smiled at me in a month. I had no idea what made him so happy at that moment, but I was glad he had some joy. He is usually so super serious. I decided from then on that I would make more honest attempts to try to care to be on time. Gill's smiles are rare but so wonderful to see. The effort to be more punctual would be worth another one of those smiles.