Day Twenty Five

C'mon Latte...

I do not need to retell the dangers of my being tired, hungover or both. Today I was TIRED. I sang at a service this morning and logged in some office hours afterward. I left the office to come here and stand on my feet for 8 hours. By the time I reached the store I realized that I had already been awake for 9 hours. I forgot how much energy is required of me to do what I do as a choral director/solo singer at a church: Be ultra-friendly, have perfect posture, stand in heels, solve problems, have my mind fixated on constantly breathing, plan music, etc. I decided that Sundays would be the day I drink a latte between jobs. Today I had a sneaky feeling that Starbucks (or "Fourbucks" as a friend calls it) slipped me a decaf. I never regained speed. You know you're tired when the mere mention of a customer deciding to have a "lazy day" reduces you to tears.

Updates

Speedy Gonzales returned to work today. she had been gone so long that I thought she quit. Today she was not as quick as she usually is, not as spastic either. Maybe being tired is contagious.

Serious Stu engaged in conversation with me for the first time. He seems very nice. Not funny, but nice.

I went to Cute Guy, Maybe (Not Really)'s register to buy five dark chocolate covered almonds. He gave me shit for using my discount card on 39 cents of food. I understand how ridiculous it looks, but I gave myself a $1 snacking limit at work. CG doesn't understand what it means to have to be on a budget, perhaps since he is the son of the president of the company. Life must be really hard for that guy.

I found out that my head cashier, Ryan, has been dating Sally Spec for 8 months. OooooOOOOoooooh! I am happy for them. They don't act like a couple in the store at all. They do this because head cashiers are not allowed to fraternize with cashiers. Before they dated, Ryan would call Sally from work to get her to cover for someone, then used that phone call as an excuse to talk to her. Cute.

According to Sally, O.C.Daisy is still giving me dirty looks. I the next time I work next to her I think I will talk about dental care.

Social Sue

This woman was impressive. She was second in my line, talking to my current customer about something she was going to buy and laughing to the side to catch the attention of the male customer in the line opposite mine, grabbing the attention of both the customer his cashier. She expanded the social space to customers behind her as well, gathering their commentary. She had everyone talking and she was in the center of it all, with a cackling but contagious laugh. I don't even remember what the subject was, maybe hummus. All I know is the joyful, slightly crazy woman had everyone smiling, laughing and talking to each other. What's so hard about world peace, again?

A Word of Advice:

Own up to your mistakes. A woman came through my line and didn't put the PLU number on the bulk item she bought. I rang the item up as raw almonds. I should have asked her what it was, but the line was long and I wanted to move a bit faster to get people out of there. Later on that night, the woman came back, saying I rang her up for the wrong  item. I apologized. My manager came over to handle the exchange. The correct PLU would have rung her up for an item that was 86 cents. She was mad that she had to drive back up to the store to get this corrected. She insisted that she put the number on there. I, for damn sure, know that she didn't. I stuck to my story. If I saw a PLU code I would have entered it. The more I said, "I saw no number," the angrier she became. Then after my manager exchanged the prices, she said she wanted a different new bag of almonds because he touched the bag. We ended up having to throw her almonds away. So what I gathered was this: She wasted more than her return in gas to come back to the store and lie about how she didn't follow procedure then bitch about the necessary procedure of handling a bag for a price correction. We would have given her the money back even without the lies and dramatics. What a piece of work.

Observation:

People from London are so charming when they speak English. They say "lovely" instead of "thanks" and "cheers" instead of "bye." When my English customers come by, I am whisked away to a marvelous place where all I do is sip tea and wear fancy hats. Also, when you bring up where they are from they instantly refer you to the best Indian restaurant in the city. I'm thinking that may be just because I am Indian, but also, maybe they would divulge that information anyway. Just an observation.

Day Twenty Four

Donna Draper

I walk into work and my head cashier immediately pulls me aside.


RYAN: We need you to do an ad for ribs.
ME: Seriously?
RYAN: Yeah, you have the best announcer voice.

Wow. I didn't know all of the really slow "Clear Eyes" style announcements would earn me such an opportunity. Ryan gave me all of the details so that I could write a good "commercial." He said I only have a few minutes to write it and that I had to make this announcement every 15 minutes. I got to work and came up with this:

"Attention customers! Are you sad that the 4th of July is over? Well turn that frown upside down! We are keeping the festivities going by grilling out in the front of our store! Sink your teeth into some freshly smoked, savory, pork ribs for only $10.99 per rack. Hurry and get them while they last, supplies are limited and as always, thank you for shopping at [insert store name]!"

After I announced this, applause broke out from my fellow cashiers. Apparently my manager and head cashier think I am really good at it. I had to do it again every fifteen minutes, so I decided to come up with a new ad each time. This was my second one:

"Don't know what to cook for dinner tonight? Let us do the cooking for you! Stop by the grill in the front of our store and get your hands on our freshly smoked, savory, pork ribs! They're a steal at $10.99 per rack and they are selling quickly so hurry and get yours soon! As always, thank you for shopping at [insert store name]!"

I kept this up for the rest of the time the ribs were being cooked. It was totally fun and it gave me an excuse to close my line down. An old man walked up to me after I made one of the announcements.

OLD MAN: You don't talk like that normally. [pointing his finger at me] That's not what you talk like!

He laughed and walked away. I guess I don't normally talk like that. Busted.

Chocolate

My store always has one dark chocolate covered fruit or nut on sale. This week's sale was amazing. Dark chocolate covered almonds were $2.99 per pound. I had to try them. I bought ten of them and popped five of them into my mouth, one by one, for a snack. I let the chocolate slowly melt over my tongue and what followed was instant euphoria. The rest of my day went well. I was in such a great mood!

An old lady came into my line and after purchasing groceries and she forgot a bag when she walked away. I ran off mid transaction to catch her, only to notice she had not made it out the door yet. She was grateful that I brought her bag to her and I was grateful that she walks so slow. It's hot outside, you know?

I decided to make this a conversational point to my next customer whose transaction I continued.

ME: It's a good thing that lady doesn't walk to fast otherwise I would have had to go outside!
LADY: COULD YOU MOVE IT ALONG PLEASE? THREE CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY LEFT FROM THIS OTHER LINE!!

I couldn't help what happened next. I started moving slower. REALLY slowly. I stopped to stare longer than usual at every PLU code on each fruit or vegetable (even the ones I had memorized). I took my time finding where the UPC symbol was located on each tiny box. I took my time getting my pointer finger to hit "Total" and I spoke slowly when I told her what her total was. I took my time to hit to hit the "Debit/Credit" key and I slammed it with unusual force. The lady, in response, swiped her card with anger. Angerrrrrrrr!!!!!

It was so hard to keep from laughing. I waited for the card to be approved and started to have a conversation with myself in my head.

INNER MONOLOGUE: Do I care about getting fired?
[the receipt printed out]
INNER MONOLOGUE: No.

ME: [holding on to her receipt, I face her from my printer] You know ma'am, if you're in a rush, all you have to do is let me know...and I'll move faster. [I flashed a smile that said, "Go fuck yourself."] Have a nice day!
LADY: [in a much calmer fashion than previously] Thank you, you too. [she took the receipt and left]

Miranda-1
Bitch-0

If I hadn't had those five dark chocolate covered almonds I wouldn't have given as little of a shit as I did with that woman. I was in a fabulous mood the whole time she was horrible to me. No one could make me mad. Dark chocolate covered almonds. I'm pretty sure they all contain a pinch of heroine. Next time I'll check to see if my pupils dilate.

Update: Heartless Lucy

I still don't like Lucy. I'll like her as soon as I know her dog is in a better home with a more responsible owner. She came into the store with her boyfriend. Today was her birthday. A bunch of the cashiers asked me to sing "Happy Birthday" over the speakers. Ugh, fine. I invited the customers to sing along as well. Crazy Red-Head Vegan tried (failed) to throw me off by singing off pitch, on purpose, for the entire song. Lucy told me she really appreciated my singing. I should have told her that she can appreciate me better by taking care of her dog.

A Word of Advice:

Keep it classy. Don't wrestle with your mother over who pays for five dollars of food. I don't mean wrestling as a metaphor, I mean please do not literally wrestle with your elderly mother over who pays for five dollars of food. An elderly lady began to try swiping her debit card to pay for a little bit of food. Her daughter flew in to try and stop her. These women, mother and daughter, were both gripping the debit card and pulling in opposite directions. It was a sad sight. It took a minute for the younger daughter to get the debit card away from her mother. I should have done the young woman a favor and slapped her across the face. Be more respectful to your mother, you flippin' idiot.

Day Twenty Three

Update: O.C.Daisy

Sally Spec was hanging out at the end of my register but talking to someone else, so I assumed she was there to hang instead of help. I looked at her to see if she wanted to bag groceries for my current customer but she never looked back so I bagged the food myself. Eventually Sally turned toward me.

SALLY: I can help you, you know.
ME: You weren't paying attention to me so I did the bagging.
SALLY: Aw, I'm sorry!
ME: I'm needy. I need constant attention all of the time.

We finished this customer's transaction and Sally stuck around to help and converse with me. Once the rush died down, Sally stepped closer to me and said:

SALLY: Dude, Daisy hates you.
ME: Really?
SALLY: Yeah, you stepped away for a second and she was like, 'What the hell was she talking about being needy?' I said I'm not going to talk trash about you.
ME: Huh.
SALLY: Every other minute she was turning around and giving you weird looks and rolling her eyes for what you were saying to your customers.

What is Daisy's problem? Is she jealous that I have all of my teeth and she doesn't? She has nothing better to do than mind her own damn business? Man, people are bored here. I'm glad that Sally is on my side. She told me she would inform me of every time Daisy talks shit about me. If it's enough I will confront that toothless over-sized marshmallow and ask her why she is such a bitch.

Doctor's Orders

My brain felt screwed up this morning. I was working slowly and making mistakes here and there and I couldn't blame it on a hangover. A couple came up to my register.

WOMAN: How are you?
ME: Eh, not so good. I am drained. My brain feels messed up.
WOMAN: Have you been outside?
ME: Yeah, I just was.
WOMAN: That's it. You're dehydrated. It's too hot to drink your normal amount of water. Get some water.
ME: You're right, and I haven't had much water today.
WOMAN: See?
MAN: [pushes his wife aside and brings his face close to mine] Well, I think if you drink a case of beer every time the temperature is over a hundred, you will live a longer, happier life.
ME: Is that so...[I looked at his shirt] Dr. Boca Raton?
MAN: HA! HAHAHA. That's right, Dr. Boca Raton. I'm a brain surgeon.

The guy was very clearly drunk. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. It was July 5th and this couple took vacation days to get the whole week off. Why not do some grocery shopping while being sensationally tanked? His advice may have been slightly invalid, the "longer life" part of it anyway. Drinking a case of beer every time the temperature reaches over 100 degrees means being drunk everyday for two months in Texas. One might be happy though!

Old Man

OLD MAN: Hello, nice person!
ME: How do you know I am a nice person?
OLD MAN: God don't make trash, my dear.

Signature T-Shirts

I am normally a very anti-signature t-shirt person. Signature tees are for teenagers who are trying to defy adulthood while they skateboard on private property. Today was a pretty boring day though, boring enough to make me laugh with appreciation when I saw a customer wearing this:

Udpate: Crazy Red-Head Vegan


There is never shortage of bonkers shit that CRV has to say. Take today, for example:

CRV: I really need to release my bowels, but I CAN'T here.
ME: Why is that?
CRV: Because somebody already did and she stunk up the place!

For starters, I don't engage in poop talk. I know a lot of people do, they are very comfortable with it. I have no problem talking about it but I think there are far more interesting and stimulating things to talk about. So, CRV will not take a shit somewhere unless it smells like lavender? Is this the pooping equivalent of the palate cleansing sorbet at dinner or the coffee beans you smell before testing the next perfume at Sephora?

Lollipops

For the first few days of my "good kid lollipop" project, only 2-3 kids were receiving organic pops each day. Too many bratty, whiny or misbehaving kids were coming through my line. This was until today of course.
I gave out 14 lollipops today. FOURTEEN. Kids were so sweet, helping out their parents, being quiet or making pleasant conversation with me. I stopped the lollipop giveaway just before 15 pops, when I saw a young boy helping out his dad by putting groceries on the belt and removing packed bags to put them in the cart. This kid looked about 8 years old.

KID: No, thank you.
ME: Wow, I have never seen a lollipop denied before. Is this a 'don't take candy from strangers' thing?
DAD: Oh no, he just likes to help and doesn't want gifts for helping.
ME: Wow. What an amazing kid.
DAD: He is wonderful.

Eight years old, just out helping dad with shopping. Rare. I love it.

Day Twenty Two

It's the 4th of July. Finally, a day where I can share holiday greetings with customers without offending anyone. I can't say it on Mother's Day or Father's Day, you never know who has been abused by their parent, lost a parent, grew up in an orphanage or simply hates their parents. Greetings on religious holidays? I dare not. "Happy 4th of July," thankfully worked for everyone...except one woman.

ME: Hi! Happy 4th of July!
WOMAN: Ugh, 4th of July...the way this country is going I should move to Canada.
ME: [no response]

This woman lingered to bitch just a little more then she left. The next customer walked up.

MAN: Sheesh.
ME: No kidding, I wanted to say, "Move it along, sister." Someone is not very patriotic.
MAN: No kidding. You know, the border is not closed in either direction.
ME: Right?? [I laughed] By the way, Happy 4th of July!
MAN: [he laughs] Happy 4th of July!

Update: Crazy Red Head Vegan

I worked in the register next to CRV. When I walked up, I saw her frowning.

ME: What's wrong?
CRV: I'm not feeling well. I need to go home.
ME: Oh no! What's wrong?
CRV: I just feel sick.
ME: Sick how?
CRV: My boyfriend broke up with me. He wants to be with someone else he knows.
ME: Oh no. Been there.
CRV: I can't leave because I feel like I am about to get fired.
ME: Okay, well then if you feel like you need to cry, walk away and cry. I'll take customers in your line.

Our system worked out well. CRV cried a few times and darted off to howl a little bit. Been there. It sucks. You have to keep living, especially if you have a job. You can't take a day off because of a fresh breakup. I made a point to act a fool all day around CRV. Later in our shift I asked kids to sing patriotic songs for me. Most were too embarrassed to do it, but eventually I found one that kind of knew a song, "The Fifty Nifty United States," where the singer sings the name of all 50 states in alphabetical order. I started singing it with this little boy, but he eventually stopped because he forgot the lyrics. I of course charged ahead.

CRV heard me do this, I looked like a complete ass and I sang with an embarrassing amount of authority. She laughed pretty hard.

CRV: Oh my god, you are the only reason why I am laughing right now.
ME: You are welcome.

CRV was cheerful for the rest of her shift. Sally Spec came along to act nuts with us. I'm glad she felt better. I like working in a positive environment so I try to do what I can to make everyone feel happy. I advised CRV to go to a bar with friends or a party or something. I told her to be around friends instead of going home to be alone. She followed my advice and went to a barbeque.

Observation

Babies always want to eat inedible things in a grocery store. Boxes, pens, the grocery cart handle, plastic bags, etc. I am about to be an aunty so I become a little more of an idiot around babies each day. I have begun to analyze little things infants do like how they grab everything in sight. I think this ability to grab is the equivalent of a superhuman power to them. Babies can't really do shit (well, except shit). Once they discover they can grab and hold on to anything they abuse this power in any and every way they can, especially in a store. This annoys most parents, but I find it hilarious (as long as the item grabbed doesn't wind up in the wrong place). I find this very fascinating. The only problem with grabbing is that babies will stick whatever they are holding into their mouths. While mom or dad is grabbing for groceries, the baby is grabbing a coupon book and is attempting to stuff it into his face. It is edible for all he knows. So funny. Just an observation.

Serious Stu

So the new manager has qualities that make some people think he is good looking. CRV thought he was hot but eventually told me that he seems a little bit like a tool. Sally Spec thought he looked like an ex of hers. To get along I decided to chat with him a little. He was in one of the offices pouring barbeque sauce into to-go cups because we were selling ribs over the next two days.

ME: Are you pouring drinks for us? That's so nice.
STU: Actually these are to-go cups of barbeque sauce for the ribs tomorrow.
ME: [pause] I know, I was joking.
STU: Oh. [he continues pouring]

Um...

So eventually I was about to leave work. While counting down in the office with Ryan, Stu burst through the door and caught us off guard.

ME: Stu! Knock next time! What if Ryan and I were making out? That would have been so awkward for you!
STU: Well actually it would have been embarrassing for you. There is a camera in this room.

Oh my GOD.

Ryan and I exchanged quizzical looks. Stu has no sense of humor. I'm sure after a while we will be chummy but for now he is Serious Stu. I later found out that Stu is Heartless Lucy's cousin. Lucy told Stu about what CRV said and now maybe he thinks he is hot shit so he now he also acts strange around all of the girls. Stupid Lucy.

Day Twenty One

Ivory Magazine

It was pretty dead in the store so I decided to do something we're not allowed to do as cashiers, read magazines. I flipped through D Magazine, a magazine about Dallas/Fort Worth life. The cover looked like this:

I began to flip through the pages. It was looking pretty...well, "Caucasian." I kept turning pages one by one and I made it through the entire magazine (two hundred-something pages) to see only nine people of color. NINE, out of hundreds of pictures. Hundreds! I have lived in the Dallas area all of my life. If you spend 2 minutes in the store I work for, or anywhere in Dallas, you would see at least ten different cultures. Does this magazine mean to say that the best suburbs only have white people in them? I was appalled. I started a conversation with every customer who flipped through this magazine while waiting in line. My customers, all of whom were disappointed, volunteered more appropriate titles for the feature. Some highlights:

"White People, Look No Further!"
"How to Be Brown Free"
"Ivory Magazine: An Ebony Magazine Affiliate"
"We All Have One Black Friend"
"Sunburnt? You're In Great Company!"


One woman actually bought the magazine, saying she is a realtor. She was Asian. The magazine did have hundreds of photos of realtors, white realtors, some posed standing in unaffordable homes. We discussed how there are so many realtors of different races in DFW, that this month's D magazine was a shame. I thought about tossing all of those magazines away. Of course I would get in big trouble so I didn't do it. Trouble is for when I turn in my two week notice. Thankfully not many of this month's D Magazine sold in my store while I was working. The best part of all? All of the babies in the cover photo are crying angrily.

Update: Elvira

Elvira walked by me before the start of her shift. She was smiling. Smiling!! During my shift I would catch her singing little nonsense wordless songs. Usually I only find that to be cute when little kids do that but considering how Elvira used to be around me, I found her hums to be delightful. I reminded myself that I need to find a good tofu recipe for her. It looks like Elvira has ended up not being so bad.

Update: Cute Guy, Maybe (Not Really)

Cute Guy was listening to a conversation I had with a customer who was trying to use the credit card reader.

ME: Scan the card there.
CUSTOMER: It's not working.
ME: Try swiping upwards.
CUSTOMER: [swipes upward] Okay that worked.
ME: You just canceled. Did you hit the red button? If you want it to be a credit transaction you have to hit the green button. Try swiping again.
CUSTOMER: [swipes card upward again] Okay. It says, 'Is $26.30 okay?' What if I don't think it's okay?
ME: [I laugh] Then you can't have your groceries.
CUSTOMER: [tries to prod the 'OK' screen button with his finger, which doesn't work]
ME:  Sir, you have to use the electronic pen.
CUSTOMER: Oh, geez. Okay. [Uses pen to hit 'OK' button]
ME: Please sign on the screen.
CUSTOMER: So many questions.
ME: Now enter your last five addresses.
CUTE GUY: Then do a retinal scan.
ME: Next we'll draw your blood.
CUTE GUY: Criminal background check.
ME: [The receipt prints out and I hand it to the customer, who laughs] Sorry, our card reader is a pain. I wish we could take a hammer to it. I think I'll do that on my last day, Office Space style.

Cute Guy then told me about how he had an ex-girlfriend who's house had no key entry, but each door had a thumbprint scanner. Crazy. So I'm getting little stories here and there from Cute Guy. I'm glad he feels more comfortable talking to me. We're getting along!

Update: Heartless Lucy

Lucy always wears her hair straight. He hair is naturally curly and she doesn't really have the art of straightening her hair down so her hair doesn't look too good most days. Today she let it be curly. It looked nice and I complimented her. She had been surveying all of our coworkers in the store. All of the girls liked it curly and the guys liked it straight. She thought her curls were frizzy and she didn't really like it. I tried to give her tips but I think anything I said fell on deaf ears.

I tried my best to be cordial with Lucy. I still disliked her for how irresponsible she was being about her dog. I asked about the pup and she said she almost found an owner but it fell through. I offered to help find a foster parent for it, someone to help train the dog so that it has a better chance of being adopted. She refused the help and was getting a little irritated about it. She hates this dog and someone wants to help but she didn't want to bother anyone with it. Lucy thinks she inconveniences everyone. That's the vibe I get. I want to shake her really hard and slap her across the face. That poor dog. I wish I could break into her house and save it. She would probably end up feeling relieved that the dog is off her hands but I would also probably end up getting arrested.

Day Twenty

Charity

A man came into my line. He bought mostly vegetables, some fruit and a loaf of bread. He held back a bag of cherries until I hit the total key. They were pretty cheap, $1.69 per pound, but the total was more than the customer had. He opened his hands to show me how much money he had. He didn't have enough for all of the cherries. After some math, I figured out that if this man had less than half the cherries he currently had he would be able to walk out with a few cents change. As I was about to empty out half of the bag, the woman that followed him in line dropped a ten dollar bill on my counter.

LADY: Stop. I've got the rest.
ME: Are you sure?
MAN: [with a look of relief and surprise] Oh thank you. Thank you so much.
LADY: My pleasure.

Charity. It wasn't just a few cents this woman gave, but several dollars. The man was so incredibly grateful. I gave him his receipt and he walked away, thanking this woman one more time. I wondered if he had children to feed or if those groceries were his food for a week. Either way, he needed that fruit and was relieved that this woman helped him out. It was a beautiful thing to see.

As I began to check out the charitable woman's groceries, I looked down and noticed a bag that I forgot to give that man, the bag with the cherries. Without saying a word, I grabbed them and bolted out of the store and into the parking lot. This was not the first time this had happened, but of the few times I have forgotten to hand a customer his or her bag, this was worst time. I ran everywhere looking for him, but I never found him. He must have been in a rush. I walked back in with my head down and tears began to fall. How could I screw this up? I hated myself for it.

I gave an apology to the selfless woman, to which she replied, "Don't worry, I know that man. He waits tables at a restaurant down the road. I will take the cherries to his workplace. If he isn't there, I'll show up the next day."

Miracle of miracles. I was so relieved to have not completely ruined this woman's generous gesture.


Granbury

Several customers come in from far away towns. They usually bring in freezer bags to store cold food for their hour-plus drive home.

ME: So, where are you coming from?
LADY: [while stuffing her freezer bag] I'm from Granbury. We don't have any store like this in that town.
ME: An old college friend of mine who came from there. He is currently the principal trombonist of the Zurich Opera House Orchestra.
LADY: Ooh!
ME: Yeah, people like to tell me that no one comes from Granbury but they are wrong.
LADY: You're darn right they are wrong. Chewbacca lives in Granbury.
ME: What?

I immediately imagined a furry giant walking around a rural town.

LADY: The actor who played Chewbacca, Peter Mayhew, lives in Granbury, TX. I see him at the coffee shop sometimes. It's exciting.
ME: Wow. I thought my friend was the biggest thing to come out of Granbury.
LADY: There are lots of people who come from Granbury. I'm a published author. My book is about to be sold on Amazon.
ME: What is your book about?
LADY: It is a book on how to teach children and adults with Dyslexia.

She handed me her card. Her name is Gloria Stringer and her book is called The Dyslexia Tutor. She tells her own story about her own child on her website, about how her method has helped her daughter succeed. I hoped that her books would help many other adults and kids. She may not be Chewbacca, but she does make Granbury look good.

Enabler

An old woman came through my line with hot dogs and buns.

ME: So are you grilling tonight?
LADY: [Annoyed] No, I came here to get these hot dogs for my husband. If he wants hot dogs he should come here and get them himself instead of expecting me to leave the house and them every time.
ME: You know you are enabling his behavior by coming here, right?
LADY: I know, I am but he's been pulling that handicapped card long enough.

Damn.

Handicapped how? Was he disabled as in "no use of his legs" disabled or "no peripheral vision" disabled? I didn't ask. Obviously this woman was fed up of her husband. Was she sick of helping, feeling burdened or was it that her husband was simply ungrateful? Maybe she was selfish or maybe she was mad that this favor was keeping her from a riveting game of canasta. It could be any of these things. For whatever reason, that couple was in an unhealthy situation.

Word of Advice:

A good way to creep me out is by stating my name at the end of every sentence. I mean EVERY sentence. It also doesn't help if you look like Dr.Frankenstein's assistant and smile with your eyes wide open. In fact, if I carry out your entire transaction without looking at your face, you are most likely creeping me out.

Ill Crazy Red-Head Vegan

CRV has been sick lately. Very sick. She constantly has to call in or leave in the middle of work. I asked her what was wrong. My first instinct was that she had an iron or B12 deficiency. She told me she takes plenty of daily vitamins. Her doctor is a homeopathic and holistic physician. CRV ran me through several reasons for why she could be feeling this way. She said she was weak. There were poop issues. Makes sense. Much of the immune system is in the digestive tract.

ME: [in the break room with CRV] Have you thought about getting a colonoscopy?
CRV: I don't think that's it. I don't know if I want to do that.
[OCDaisy walks in, opens the fridge and grabs her lunch bag]
CRV: I just feel sick all of the time.
OCDAISY: You're a vegan, that's why you're sick. [she walks out]
ME: Nobody asked you Daisy. Now go brush your tooth.

Racist Crazy Red-Head Vegan

CRV felt better as the day went along. I was working next to Hero and CRV came over to bag groceries. We all somehow got on the topic of racism with a grocery worker.

CRV: I'm not racist, but I do stereotype. I will admit it. For example, why do foreign people show up ten minutes before closing time?
GROCERY GUY: Right?
ME: Are you serious? I think several different types of people show up late. I think you find that the most memorable of them, to you, are foreigners. You can't make generalizations like that.
CRV: I know. Look, I am not racist. I have a black boyfriend. Everyday I bring him home a watermelon and he'll be sittin' there with fried chicken just having at it, so he is definitely black.

I looked at Hero, Hero looked at me. We both sighed a deep sigh for humanity.

Stereotyping is the "gateway hatred" for racism. You can't say shit like, "My boyfriend's black," "My best friend is Afghani," or "I'm one sixth Mexican," and then proceed to stereotype, generalize about a group of people or insult whole races of humans and then go around wearing t-shirts with Gandhi quotes on them, acting like you're a fucking saint.

This is precisely why the world will never be in peace. Too many assholes. I wanted to slap the shit out of CRV but then I thought about how many people I know who talk exactly like she does. If I slapped her, I would have to slap many others. I just chose to be silent for the time being.

I don't understand racism. What if we all stopped to think about how much we have in common, the most simple and humble trait being the need for food and water to survive. Why can't that be enough to understand we are no different from each other? Frustrating. If stereotyping or racism caused us to go deaf and blind, how many of us would be left with all five of our senses? Sometimes I think the world would be a better place with more deaf and blind people in it.

Update: JV

I told other coworkers about JV losing his shit the other day. They told me to let it go but I couldn't. I really felt the need to figure out what this guy's problem was. I couldn't just chalk it up to his being 20 years young. I know plenty of people that age that can keep composure and not be a jerk. Hmm...

I was on a break, waiting in CRV's line to buy some food. She had made a paper bag puppet earlier and wrote "escuchar" on it. I told her that she needed to conjugate that word and make it a command.

ME: I think it's "escuche" with an accent on the last e.
JV: Escuche? I...think that commands follow the usted form with an accent on the last vowel.
ME: I think you're right. Write escucha. Throw in some exclamation points.

So, JV knows Spanish. Smart guy.

Smart guy...

That's it. JV is smart. He wants someone (or everyone) to acknowledge how smart he is. That's why he shouts out correct codes all of the time. That's why he constantly wants to find my solution before I do. He only started to treat me better once he found out I read Vonnegut. He likes intelligent conversation. Bingo!

Well, who doesn't like intelligent conversation? I understand that I'm not going to get that from everyone I meet here. I would drive myself insane expecting such a thing. I tend to join conversations where they are. That is where JV's youth gets him. He doesn't tolerate conversation that isn't intelligent. He can't seem to stand it when everyone else isn't at his speed. That's too bad. He will do well in his career, whatever that will be, no doubt. The only sad thing is, he is on a fast train to Doucheville. I think I will try to find out more about him. He probably took a million AP classes. I wonder what he wants to do with his life. I'm sure he was a straight A student. From here, I hope I can find the best version of this guy.

Day Nineteen

Red Hat Lady

An older woman was buying a lot of dessert ingredients. Crazy Red-Head Vegan was bagging groceries for me. I noticed the older lady's t-shirt had a picture of a red hat on it.


ME: Who are the 'Red Hat Ladies'?
CRV: [Giant gasp] Oh my god. Who are the 'Red Hat Ladies'?! They are a group of women who get together and do fun stuff and they're all sassy!
ME: [to the lady] Do you all wear red hats to your meetings?
LADY: Yes we all have our own red hats.
ME: When you all get together do you get really fancy schmancy?
LADY: Some of us do, I like to. I like to wear a lot of rhinestones, I call them my diamonds.
ME:What do you all do?
LADY: Once a month we get together and do something fun. I'm making desserts for our dinner this week. This last month we all took a painting class together. Sometimes we go dancing.
ME: Sounds like a blast!
LADY: Oh yes. It's a really fun group of women over 50. If a women is sad about turning 50 and thinks her life is over, um hello?! It's not!

As silly as it sounds, I kind of want to buy my red hat now. Do I have to wait until I'm 50 to do this? Would the ladies be weirded out having a 30 year old hanging with them? Old ladies are a riot.

Not A Green Guy

Crazy Red-Head Vegan came over again to bag groceries for me. A man came up with one food item to buy.

MAN: [as I bagged the one item] No bag please.
CRV: You're saving the planet!
MAN: No I'm NOT.

Erm...okay. I shot CRV a wide eyed look. He continued.

MAN: I'm NOT a green guy. Nobody can tell me what I can and cannot do.
ME: ...okay.
MAN: I was just at Kohls. They now have a plug in station for electric cars. I want to put up a time lapse camera to see how many people actually need that thing. I bet you no one uses it.
ME: I imagine it would be very useful in the case of an emergency.
MAN: I doubt that.

So, he didn't want to waste a bag, but he would waste his time with a time lapse camera in front of Kohls? I really wanted to thank that guy for giving me and the vegan something to laugh about.

Update: JV

I worked next to JV today. My Vonnegut book was sitting on my side of our counter and he picked it up to read the back of the book.

ME: Do you like Vonnegut?
JV: I have read two of his novels, Cat's Cradle and Slaughterhouse Five.
ME: Cool. Cat's Cradle is next on my list after this book (Breakfast of Champions).

Customers came along and cut our conversation short. A mom and her son walked up. The kid was wearing a soccer uniform.

ME: So, you play soccer? 
BOY: Yes.
ME: What position do you play?
BOY: Um...defense.
ME: So, are you a fullback?
JV: I don't think he has gotten to that point yet.
MOM: We are a soccer family.
JV: What's your favorite team?
MOM: Manchester U
JV: Agh, we're enemies.

The mom kept talking to JV about teams as I zoned out thinking about shirtless professional soccer players with their six pack abs and chiseled jawlines. I think I might have returned to the transaction when it was time to pay. JV had customers to tend to at that point. This guy had improved as a coworker. I also learned that he likes soccer and Kurt Vonnegut. Every now and then he would still give me the numbers to random food items I was looking up. I just ignored him. Today I noticed how much conversation he makes with customers. It was pretty good except for the fact that he seemed to shout his greetings at his customers like they are all a broken intercom at a drive thru.

A customer walked up with an empty jar from the bulk section. I wasn't sure if it was a pint jar or a quart jar. I could have deduced what it is by looking at the size of it, but I wasn't sure. I thought it might be a pint. CRV, bagging again and not doing her job as a cashier, thought it was a pint as well. JV turns around and says it is a quart. We all went back and forth with it until I finally decided it was a quart. After the customer left, CRV walked back to the bulk section an came back to tell me that that particular jar was in the 'pint' shelf. I hit JV on the shoulder lightly.

ME: Man, it was a pint!
JV: Have you ever seen a pint of ice cream? Was it the size of that jar? I don't think so.

More customers came through and when one of mine left I turned around and told JV:

ME: I think you should go to the bulk section and see that it was a pint and we should settle this little debate.
JV: [as customers walked up] I'm not participating in this ridiculous argument, I know what a quart is.
CRV: Dude! I went back there and checked. The label said it was a pint.

That was when JV grabbed one of this customer's food jars (similar to the empty one we saw previously) and whipped around, holding this jar one foot from CRV's face.

JV: [shouting, with his customer still standing there] 32 FLUID OUNCES, THIS IS A QUART!!

After jabbing the jar at the bottom where it said "quart" JV turned around to finish the transaction. Once again, I shot CRV a wide eyed look.

ME: [under my breath] You mad, bro?
CRV: Right?

After that customer left it was time for JV to clock out. CRV, still stood there in disbelief that someone could lose their shit over something so silly. As soon as he left and was out of earshot, I grabbed a jar of organic lollipops and whipped around holding it a foot from CRV's face.

ME: THIS IS A QUART!!!

Laughter. We laughed for so long a time that tears were running down our faces and our stomachs hurt. JV's irrational, juvenile anger brought us so much joy. At the end of my shift I went back to the empty jars in the bulk section to learn that CRV was right and so was JV. Those jars were on the pint shelf, but they were put there in the wrong place by a customer. Behind those jars were the real pint jars and the quart jars (like the one we argued over) was on another mislabeled shelf. I wish I knew who screwed this shelf up. I would thank that person for the memories.

Day Eighteen

Update: Cute Guy, Maybe (Not Really) 

A couple days ago I asked Cute Guy what was bothering him. He looked so bummed out. He told me he hates this job. I asked him why he is doing it. Why doesn't he just switch to another department? He is the son of the president of the company for Christ's sake! Today, he and I worked next to each other. I was bagging groceries for him as his customer kept pulling food out of her grocery cart, more than it seemed the cart could hold.

ME: [to Cute Guy] your customer has a clown cart.
CUTE GUY: [stares at me with confusion] What?
ME: Your customer, her cart is like a clown car. Things keep coming out of it.
CUTE GUY: Oh.

No "Oh yeah, haha," from CG. Hmm. Not too incredibly bright and he hates this job. Yet, I am not sold on the idea that this is a dumb apathetic guy. Behind his vacant expression is a reason for the way he currently is and of course, I want to know what that is. We talked about plans for the night. I planned to hit the Ritz Carlton in Dallas with my girlfriends. He asked me why. "To wear nice dresses, drink martinis and have fun," I replied. I told him I would surely be hungover the next day and I admitted it wouldn't be the first time. In return, CG admitted to me something as well.

CUTE GUY: Yeah, I drank a little too much last night. I blacked out.
ME: Yikes. How are you feeling now?
CUTE GUY: Fine. I'm used to it.

Awesome. I'm either talking to the male Snooki or there is a reason he drinks to a blacked out state regularly. Our drinking stories have bonded us somehow. After I came back from a break, he asked me how it was. He NEVER engages in a conversation. I always do the talking. He must be getting more comfortable with me.

Children of the Corn

Why today? I saw the worst kid fit ever. A mother was putting groceries on the belt, lastly taking a box of fruit chews away from her 2 year old so I could ring it in. Oh my god. From the moment that box left the little girl's fingers she broke into what I could only describe as a screaming seizure. It began silently, arms flailing and torso whipping around while legs kicked in random directions, then came the scream...a dog murdering, multi-pitched, high scream. If the Nazgul from Lord of the Rings had a baby with a velociraptor, it would sound like this girl. I handed back the fruit chews immediately. The little girl went back to zero. It was impressive and irritating all at the same time.

I reached into my register's jar of organic lollipops and pulled out six of them. Then I waited.

Along came a family with three little kids who picked up everything they could grab and placed these things in different locations. The parents let them do it.

Next.

A mom walked up with her six year old son. He began taking food items out of the cart for his mother.

ME: That is so nice! Do you always help your mom like this?
[the boy nodded, the mom smiled]
ME: I love seeing kids help their parents.
MOM: He is a good kid.

After all of the groceries were bagged the mom began to wipe her card. I told the kid that he was going to get a surprise after his mom paid for groceries. I held up all six lollipops and I told the kid to choose whichever one he wanted. He was so happy. He picked the blueberry flavor and said, "Thank you." I thanked him back for being helpful and a well behaved kid.

I only gave out two lollipops during the whole shift.

Update: Crazy Red-Head Vegan

We had a new manager who looked like a young pretty boy. I was taller than him, but he was good looking. I was instantly reminded of what a friend once told me, "Miranda, we are all the same size...in bed." I wasn't into the new manager, but it is always nice to see a good looking face if I have to look at any of the guys here for any reason.

CRV and Sally Spec were diggin' on the new manager hard. They were staring at him up and down. They walked up to my register and told me to check him out with them. I said I can't have a thing for any guy who looks like I babysat him at one point. CRV disagreed.

CRV: Girl, I'm a vegan, but I'd eat that."

Update: Tangly Q

I recognized the girl as soon as I saw her, the cute little toddler who had beautiful spiral curls from one of the first days I had worked at this store. With her was the same mom, but this time her hair didn't look like it was dipped in KY. It was blown out and wavy. Interesting.

ME: [to the little girl] Beautiful hair!
[the mom rolled her eyes]
ME: So how are you doing today ma'am?
[the mom ignores me and swipes her card]
ME: Having a good Friday so far?
[she ignores me again]

I thought about complimenting her hair which I first saw crusted down with gel a few weeks ago, but I chose not to. What an ugly wench. I didn't give a lollipop to this kid and I should have. She was behaving, the only one who didn't deserve a pop was her mother, who I was worried about pissing off. I didn't look at that woman when I handed over the receipt. I smiled at her pretty little daughter instead. I hoped again, that in the future, this little girl would be surrounded by much better people. Otherwise this baby will grow up not realizing how beautiful she really is.

Day Seventeen

Everyone was pleasant today. So weird. There were three new people at the store: a new manager, a new cashier and a new vitamin girl. I like meeting new people. They always change the environment, making things more interesting (for me, anyway). Pleasantries never usually make for an interesting blog entry, except today, thankfully, there was a never ending flow of the elderly. A parade, you might say. Constant entertainment.

Old Lady #4

ME: [after ringing in a bottle of wine] May I see your ID, ma'am?
OLD LADY: You need to get your eyes checked.

Old Man #5

OLD MAN: [swiping his card while I rang in groceries] Why does this keep asking me to swipe my card over and over?
ME: Oh, I'll let you know when you need to look at that screen.
OLD MAN: Okay.
ME: [as I rang in the last item] ...okay we are almost done, aaaaand BAM!
OLD MAN: [looking on the credit card reader screen] Bam? Where does it say 'bam"?
ME: Oh. I said "bam," meaning now you can follow the instructions on that screen.
OLD: Ohhhh. I was looking for a "bam."

Old Lady #5

After placing all of her groceries on the belt, this old lady picked up a bag of cherries and inspected it.
.

OLD LADY: I don't think I'm going to get these cherries.
ME: Are they rotten or have you changed your mind about buying them?
OLD LADY: There's a hole in this bag.

I looked at the bag expecting to see a big hole in it. The holes in the bag were vent holes.

ME: Ma'am, this is a vented bag. The holes are there on purpose.
OLD LADY: The cherries are creeping out! I don't like it!
ME: [pause] You're right. I'll take these back.

Old Lady #6

A pair of old ladies walked up in my line. Whenever this happens I provide a different greeting than the usual.


ME: Hello ladies! Have you been staying out of trouble?
[both of them giggle]
OLD LADY: [with a wagging finger] Now, you can't have any fun unless you cause a little trouble.

Ain't that the truth?

Old Man #6

I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I grabbed a snack, then I sat down at a small 2'x2' table in the deli area and I began to read a book. Within minutes, an elderly man walked up to my table using his cart as a walker. He looked tired.

OLD MAN: My knees are starting to hurt. I have to sit down.
ME: Oh sure, don't hurt yourself. How are you today?
OLD MAN: I'm alive (a common 'old man' response)

Out of twelve seats in the entire area, this man chose the seat caddy-corner to me. Thinking nothing of it, I continued to read my book, Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut.

OLD MAN: I'm pretty sure that book isn't about Wheaties.
ME: You would be right. [I laughed] The author mentions how the book is in no way affiliated with the General Mills cereal.

I had to think for a minute. It took a while but I was able to locate the area of my brain that dealt with my childhood. Wheaties cereal would always have a photo of a famous athlete on the front of the box. I think I remember the athletes being in the commercials too. The slogan I remember best was, "You better eat your Wheaties." I remember Michael Jordan would say it to some kid on TV (and what kid in the late 80s and early 90s didn't want to grow up to be Michael Jordan?). I think at the time the "Breakfast of Champions" slogan was on its way out. I reminisced about that with the old man and we laughed. I continued to read for another ten minutes as he sat next to me. He eventually had to keep shopping.

OLD MAN: Well, if I don't get up now, I'll never get up.
ME: Do you need help getting up?
OLD MAN: I think I've got it, just give me a minute.

He sat up straight, his gaze fixed forward, gathering to will power to stand up. It took a minute, like he said. One of my managers, named Jay, was setting up a display nearby and he witnessed the old man next to me. After the old man left my manager walked up to me.

JAY: Do you know that man?
ME: Nope. I just met him.
JAY: And you let him sit next to you that whole time?
ME: Yup. Best date I have had in a while.

A Word of Advice:

Never, EVER, talk about hoarding in a grocery store. One woman brought up an episode of Hoarders. Apparently a daughter of a former grocery store owner made a faux grocery store in her house with shelves and shelves of decomposing food. My customer described it to me in such detail that I wanted to vomit on the spot. Look, I don't know anyone who is in love with food as much as I am. Not only is it inappropriate to talk about this nasty shit around other customers who are buying and consuming food, in my world it is a horrible crime to kill my appetite. I didn't eat for the rest of the night. I would have asked her to stop talking but speaking is hard when you are trying to keep food down.

Day Sixteen

Old Man #4

ME: Hi there! How has your day been?
OLD MAN: I was fine until the point where you take my money.
ME: I'm really sorry about that.
OLD MAN: You disappoint a lot of people.

So, You Think You Can Go Gluten-Free

A woman came through my line with a return.

WOMAN: Hi, I have a return.
ME: Okay. Is the item still good, or is it spoiled? (a question for restocking purposes)
WOMAN: Oh my daughter and I bought a bunch of gluten-free stuff to try out the diet and everything just tastes like cardboard.
ME: Okay.
WOMAN: I mean it just tastes awful. Bleh! [she laughs]
ME: The gluten-free diet is actually for people who are allergic to gluten. It's not a fad diet. It's for those with celiac disease. [I call my head cashier (Ryan) over to handle the return, standard protocol]
RYAN: Hi ma'am, got a return? Is this product still good?
WOMAN: Oh, it tastes like dirt. I need food that tastes good. [she laughs again]
ME: Look BITCH, this is replacement food for people who are allergic to gluten. Some people can't have wheat and it sucks for them because the diet takes a lot of adjustment and the food is expensive. For some families it creates a bit of hardship. I'm really annoyed by how insensitive you are. [I threw her refund at her face] By the way, you're fat.

Okay...maybe that is not how the conversation ended. That is how it would have ended if today was my last day on the job. Rewind...

RYAN: Is the product still good?
WOMAN: Oh, it tastes like dirt. I need food that tastes good. [she laughs again]
ME: The product is still good, she just didn't want it. [I handed the woman her refund]

Angel

A woman was buying two separate orders of groceries for whatever reason. About halfway through the first order, she changed her mind and asked me to put the two orders together in one transaction. I usually think nothing of these things. I picked up a can of Amy's Refried Beans.

ME: I love Amy's brand. I love to make Mexican recipes with this.
WOMAN: Oh yeah. That's my daughter's best friend's favorite.
ME: Aw, that's so sweet! Are you making dinner for a girls' night?
WOMAN: Oh...no. I'm buying groceries for my daughter's best friend's family. My daughter's best friend recently found out that she has a brain tumor.
ME: No way...I'm so sorry. How old is this girl?
WOMAN: 11 years old.

I paused. After a failed attempt to contemplate what that must be like for a kid that age, I continued to ask questions. Every answer that woman gave me had me more and more in disbelief.

ME: Is the tumor benign or malignant?
WOMAN: Malignant.
ME: Is she being treated at Dallas Children's?
WOMAN: Her treatment is being overseen in Boston, but she receives radiation in Dallas Children's.
ME: Can she be healed of this?
WOMAN: It doesn't look good. We hope so.
ME: [ handing the woman her receipt] I hope so too. You're an angel, you know.


I didn't know this woman personally but all I wanted to do was give her a hug. I hoped the best for that 11 year old girl and while I was so sad for her, I also felt happy for her. She has such great people who love and support her and her family, the kind of love that is the strongest medicine for healing and recovery.

F-Bomber

A woman swiped her card to pay for her groceries and my computer screen displayed a message that said, "Insufficient funds."

WOMAN: Oh  no. I think there is less on the card than my total, is there a way to put in a certain amount in first on my card? I'll pay the rest in cash! I made too much fucking money last year on unemployment and I am not allowed how have much this year. [scoffs] Here's my loser card.

I looked at the card, it was a Lonestar card (foodstamps). Ryan was nearby and came over to help. He was able to find out how much money was on the card and help the woman do the transaction.

WOMAN: [handing over the rest in cash] Thank you! You're wonderful. You're probably thinking, 'Man, what a loser.'
ME: Not at all!
WOMAN: Oh thank you so much. You guys are so sweet. You know, I used to judge people who used this card all of the time, like 'Who is this fuckin' loser?' You know?
ME: [Handing her a receipt] It's cool, really. Have a nice day.

Until this woman came through my line, I had never heard any customers curse. I didn't think she was a loser at all. I'm sure this woman felt otherwise for being on food stamps, but she must have been doing better if the government was giving her less. I hoped that she would see even more prosperity, and eventually have less dependence on her Lonestar card.

Heartless Lucy

Lucy was one of my pals at work. We got along fine. For fun we would fake quarrels and pretend we don't like each other. Today, for the first time, I didn't have to pretend.

LUCY: Ugh I hate my dog.
ME: Aw! Why? What kind of dog is it?
LUCY: It's a Pomeranian Chihuahua mix. It's just bitchy and barks all of the time. It tears up all of my stuff while I'm not home and gets into my garbage.
ME: Do you have a kennel?
LUCY: No.
ME: Get a kennel and put your dog in it when you are not home.
LUCY: I'm getting rid of it.
ME: Why?
LUCY: I'm moving into an apartment.
ME: Pound or adoption?
LUCY: I'm going to find it a home.
ME: You're going to interview potential owners right?
LUCY: Yeah, I'm probably going to have a hard time letting go.
ME: Then why don't you get a kennel and see if that makes things better. When the dog misbehaves, the kennel is also good for disciplining. If your dog barks, face away and put in ear plugs. Only pay attention to it when it is behaving. Give it loads of treats when it obeys you and behaves well. You can take care of this dog. Just watch Animal Planet for Christ's sake.
LUCY: I'm moving to an apartment and I just don't want to deal with it.
ME: Then why did you get a dog in the first place?
LUCY: I didn't think it would be like this! I had a dog before! It was a lab and it was so smart and behaved well, but it died.
ME: How?
LUCY: Parvo. It was a puppy.
ME: Did you take it for shots?
LUCY: I was going to. It probably got parvo from the dog park. My roomates took my dog there without permission.
ME: Well, then did you murder your roomates? Or at the very least hate them forever?
LUCY: I know.


Lucy was telling all of this to the wrong person. I have a dog and I am fostering another. I have lived in a house with roomates who had dogs before. All dogs have the capacity to be wonderful pets. It is never a dog's fault if it misbehaves. They are like children, they require training. They require more than just food and water, the need love and attention and they will give back that love and attention more than two fold. Dogs cost money. Don't get a dog before you know how much it costs or what care is involved!

I was angry. I felt a little ridiculous for instantly not liking this girl, but honestly I didn't like her anymore. I wanted to break into her house and steal her dog. I wondered how neglected that dog was probably feeling. Lucy probably doesn't even walk it. I am going to get updates on this animal. I think I am going to find it a foster parent. Lucy may redeem herself for being a terrible owner if she makes an effort to find this dog an owner who will love it. I'm going to help.